Threadmash 5, Rohan Candappa’s Thing Has A Birthday Bash, Gladstone Arms, 5 February 2020

How does one describe Threadmash? It is sort-of a writing club, where people write and recite pieces, often being encouraged outside their safe places, by ringmaster Rohan Candappa.

But it is not so much about what we do as it is about how it makes those of us who participate in it feel. I probably described that for the first time at the end of the Ogblog piece in which I set out my second threadmash piece:

But the very first threadmash was exactly a year ago. The piece I produced for that inaugural event is set out here and below:

Rohan is not one to let a birthday or anniversary go unmarked…

…nor is he one to miss an opportunity for a party of sorts.

So Threadmash 5 was cunningly scheduled for the first anniversary of Threadmash. Well played, Rohan.

There were several new faces this time, observing the readings and whole-heartedly participating in the party atmosphere. Several of them had “Sh” names, such as Shirani, Shivangi, Shazia and Rowan.

Eight of us wrote pieces to Rohan’s brief this time. Mine is published here:

Terry went first. He wrote a job application letter, to become a taster for Mr Kipling cakes. He used the application as a mechanism to tell us all about is “work experience” as a youngster. It was very amusing and touching in parts.

Jan then read us a letter to a plate of food that she was forced to “study” outside the headmistresses office for the whole afternoon, when five years old, because she had the audacity to abstain from eating the ghastly gunk that was her school dinner. This too was a very funny and touching piece.

Jan’s piece reminded me of a lovely piece of writing I published recently on Ogblog as a guest piece, by cousin Garry Steel, about a similar incident and the “truth and reconciliation” events that occurred decades later:

This was the first of several unexpected, surprising and in some cases downright weird coincidences in the evening’s pieces.

I went next…

…followed by Chris who wrote a letter to his own testosterone, explaining how their relationship had changed and was likely to continue changing over the decades. Not only funny and engaging, this piece was also moving and quite risky in the level and nature of its confessional humour.

Flo’s piece was the fifth one. A letter, decades later, to a youth with whom she had enjoyed extended correspondence and an unfulfilled dalliance “back in the day”, probably because she was less ready for romance at that time than the young man. As with all of the pieces, there was a mixture of drama and humour; this one especially bittersweet because the mismatch was one of those timing things that so many of us probably, if we put our minds to it, experienced one way or another when we were in the early stages of romance. I probably wasn’t the only man in the room thinking, “crickey, I never, ever put THAT much effort into wooing a girl. Poor chap.”

The strange coincidence in Flo’s piece was that she described the young man, on reflection, as “her troubadour”, which seemed a strange, coincidental echo of my references to William of Aquitaine and his reputation as the first troubadour.

Next up was David Wellbrook, who wrote a very moving letter in the part of a soldier on the front line in WW1, writing home having just killed a man in hand-to-hand combat. David is a very versatile writer. To a greater extent than most of us, he is able to pick up on Rohan’s entreaties to stretch ourselves beyond our safe zones and make that stretch comprehensively.

Strangely, Kay’s letter was to her late Grandfather and talked a great deal about his active service in WW1.This seemed like a particularly coincidental echo, coming immediately after David’s WW1 story and also in relation to mine, which was also a letter to a dead relative of the grandfather generation, albeit “grandfather-in-law” in my case. Kay’s piece was very touching, not least because clearly her grandfather had been unable to communicate feelings very much when Kay knew him and also because it is clear from the letter that Kay feels she might not have communicated with him sufficiently either.

Geraldine’s letter was directed by Rohan to be a letter of resignation, but Geraldine cleverly and delightfully twisted the idea to make it a letter of resignation to her former husband, explaining why she felt she simply had to escape the drudgery of the “American dream, American housewife” role in which she found herself cast as his wife. It was a beautiful piece of writing, full of love combined with a steely determination to explain herself and not to apologise. As with all of the pieces, the letter was probably the right length for such a performance piece but (and because) it said so much while leaving me wanting to know more.

After a short interlude, Rohan took us through a 10 point agenda. Is this is all getting a bit business-like?

…not as business-like as it looks, once you read the items

The brief for Threadmash Six is to write about an unknown woman named Charlotte Thomas. All we know of her is that Rohan managed to acquire a cheap moleskin-like notebook that had been customised with her name but never collected from the shop. Our job is to write about whosoever this person might be.

It did cross my mind to recycle my Theadmash One story, which is about a youthful dalliance with a young woman who I only ever knew as Fuzz, thus not even knowing her real first name, let alone her second name. She might very well be (or have been) Charlotte Thomas…

…but that would be cheating – I won’t do that. I think I have already decided on my Charlotte Thomas idea – it will be a bit of a stretch but I guess it is meant to be.

There was an awards ceremony, during which Rohan’s Edinburgh nemesis Rowan presented Adrian (in absentia) and Julie “Croissanita” with awards which, given their origins from the same stable as the Charlotte Thomas moleskin-type thing, I suggested should henceforward be known as “Charleys”.

It was a birthday party so of course there was cake…

…and goody bags.

Even the awkward silence was superb.

Then Rohan performed a new piece of his own, a very evocative piece which the agenda claims to be a collaboration with a top musician. But Rohan actually confessed that Brian Eno is…was unaware of the collaboration. I’m hoping Rohan will tell me which ambient piece he used to back up his words, at which point I shall update this piece with the information and possibly (with Rohan’s permission) let Brian Eno know how well he did.

Update: Rohan reports that the piece used was Neroli. You may hear Neroli on-line by clicking here or the embedded thingie below:

Rohan’s new work, about 15 minutes long, is a lyrical, poetic piece named Park.

Rohan was so pumped for his recital that he even felt the need to change for his performance:

Not only was Park a very charming and thought-provoking piece, it was, in a way, the third coincidence on the topic of troubadours. Of course, we will never know whenether the troubadour tradition was one of singing the lyrical poems to tunes or the dramatic recitation of lyrical poems with musical backing…almost certainly a bit of both depending on the piece and the troubadour. In any case it occurred to me that Rohan’s piece was very much of that 800+ years old troubadour tradition.

As always, the very act of gathering and spending an evening with such super people is a huge part of the Threadmash thing. I have known several of the people for just shy of 50 years now, whereas some of us have just met in the last year and about half the people at this anniversary evening were new to the thing. All were great company.

I’ve written too much already. It was a cracking evening. Thanks as always, Rohan.

Dear William, My Peformance Piece For Threadmash 5, Gladstone Arms, 5 February 2020

The event that was Threadmash 5 is written up as an ogblog piece here and the link below

The brief was simply to write a letter, although Rohan Candappa gave me some additional guidance suggesting that I try fiction this time. Here is the piece I performed for that event.

Dear William

Hi. It’s Prince Harry here.  The sun is streaming in through my window here in France. It’s late morning; 1152 to be precise and you should know…indeed I want everybody to know, that I’m in love, William, I am in love!

Look, I know it isn’t going to be easy. She’s several years older than me, she’s a divorcee and she’s from across the pond. She might not be accepted by the great British public as “one of their own”.

She’s also a bit of a crusader. One tough cookie who doesn’t mind putting up a fight for the stuff she believes in. I like that about her.

William; she is SO beautiful. Not just how she looks in the pictures – those media types can make any old minger look special – but she really is a stunner. Real hotty totty, eh what?

But I’m not marrying her just for my own selfish reasons. Hell no. I’m getting married for the good of my country. We are in such a political mess at the moment. Near anarchy, I’d call it. Britain needs a royal wedding right now.

But, William, I would really like to know what you think. I know you can’t really give me answers, but you really know your pussy. Heaven knows you’ve played the field more than I have, more than most people. Droit du seigneur and all that.

So I wonder if you think my proposed marriage will work? I really could do with some familial advice and frankly I have no-one else credible to turn to in matters of the heart…

…just a second, all hell seems to have kicked off outside the Château. Bloody French, what the hell’s it about this time? They’re always revolting about something or another. Got to go, I’ll finish off this letter later on.

LATER ON

Hello again, William. It was 1152 when I started this letter; it’s 1173 now. Crumbs – when I said that I’d finish this letter later, I didn’t have “21 years later” in mind. Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? Heck, how should I know; I’m not having much fun. Frankly, things haven’t gone swimmingly well since I wrote the first part of this letter.

It’s not all bad news. I’ve been King of England now for 19 years, which makes me a pretty important bloke, especially when you also take into account all my Dukedoms and Counties in France, including your old Dukedom of Aquitaine. Nice place. Decent weather.

So I did marry your grand-daughter, Eleanor. Wow, she really is a goer. Boof. We’ve had loads of kids. But therein lies the rub. It is nigh on impossible to keep all the kids happy with lands and castles and stuff. Eleanor doesn’t help because she insists on interfering – you know what women are like.

To be honest with you, I have fallen out with rather a lot of people lately, including Eleanor…and all of our kids…and my former best mate (now late mate) Thomas Becket… the Scots, the Irish, the Bretons, the Flemish, most of the French nobles, many of the English Barons…and the Pope.

But you know what, William? I know it might be hard for you to believe, but NONE of this revolting business is my fault. None of it. Heck, I’m just trying to do my job, establishing some sort of order out of the political mayhem I inherited.  

You of all people will understand what I’m going through. You too fell out with your wife and had a ruction with the church. At least I haven’t been excommunicated; twice. But history will look kindly on you, William. It already does. You’ve not even been dead for 50 years, but already you are remembered as a bon viveur, a great lover and especially as the first troubadour.  Heaven only knows how I’m going to be remembered.

How did you get away with all that stuff, William? Your behaviour…and the language you used in your songs – I’ve never seen the “F” word and the “C” word used so much in all my life.

Times have changed, though, William. The younger generation are prudes and snowflakes.   

In truth, I don’t see much of Eleanor these days.  Heck, I’m a busy fellow with loads of revolts to quell and I cannot bear being nagged. Anyway, Eleanor permanently stays indoors at the moment; I have security see to that. But I do still love her, in a way. A chivalric way.  You of all people will understand that.

In fact, it occurred to me that, as you were the very first troubadour; the chap who established the tradition of secular performance song which will endure for centuries if not millennia…

…I thought I should end this letter with a song that explains exactly how I feel about your granddaughter Eleanor.

Sincerely yours,

Your devoted grandson-in-law

Henry Plantagenet

ELEANOR

VERSE ONE

You’ve got a thing about you; Grandpa was a troubadou, I really want you, Eleanor legally;

Your power intoxicates me, though all the French folk hate me;

There’s no-one like you, Eleanor, regally.

CHORUS ONE

Eleanor, you of Aquitaine, as they speak in Northern Spain, Southern France and parts of Italy;

Eleanor, can you be more kind, I want you to change your mind, try to reign beside me prettily.

VERSE TWO

Sometimes I think your hassle, treating me like your vassal,

Seeking advance for you and the offspring;

Don’t suppose you envisioned, that I’d have you imprisoned,

When your coup failed with Henry The Young King

CHORUS TWO

Eleanor, you of Aquitaine, you’re a right chivalric pain, all our sons will not forgive me;

Eleanor, can you be more kind, I want you to change your mind, at this rate you’ll way outlive me.

OUTRO

Eleanor, gee I think you’re hell, ah-hah; Eleanor, gee I think you’re hell, ah-hah…ha-ah.

Not that they had chords in the 12th century, but for those who might be interested in the chords I used, the image below will help you. Aficionados might note the devils intervals I used to conclude the “musical piece”.

Performed on my Roosebeck baroq-ulele, tuned DGBE. Thus A4th is fret 2 on the G&B strings, D4th is open D and F# on the E string. Not very 12th century but a bit medieval…or just evil.

The Gift, Fourth Threadmash, Gladstone Arms, 6 November 2019

It’s been a while since the last actual Threadmash, although we have had a gathering of the clan at The Glad since the previous Threadmash in May:

Anyway, this time the brief was “The Gift”, with additional instructions to stick to just one page. I took that to mean “one side of a sheet of A4”, but some took it to mean two sides. No matter. I can write something War & Peace epic length next time to get my own back.

I sensed that Rohan Candappa had mischief in mind when he asked us to bring two copies of our text with us.

Once we started Threadmashing, after several of us had dined on goat pie (or whatevs) and made a start on the libations, I also sensed that there might be a mini riot when Rohan announced that we would each be reading someone else’s work rather than our own. But we soon settled down and knuckled down to the additional challenge.

40 years on, Chris Grant still gets head boy privileges.

Chris Grant, a first time Threadmash writer (although not first time attendee) was excused the additional challenge and thus read his own piece as an opener for the evening. It was a charming short piece.

We had each been given a few minutes to read the piece we had inherited.

Quite early in the evening, David Wellbrook read out my piece, which follows below.

David Wellbrook soldiering through my piece

Coincidentally, I was given David’s piece to read; a somewhat Dahlesque horror story, as Rohan had encouraged David to try fiction this time. I did enjoy reading David’s piece I must say. Rohan has strongly encouraged me to try writing fiction for the next one.

He doesn’t look dictatorial, does he? It’s a deceptively gentle form of throat shaking, Rohan’s dictatorial style – sttrong guidance followed by, “but it’s up to you, of course…only if you want to…”

Anyway, here’s my piece which was so capably read by David:

The word “gift” has two distinct meanings as a noun. A gift means something given freely, a present. But it also means a natural ability or talent, such as, “a gift for writing”. When Rohan suggested “The Gift” as his subject for Threadmash Four, I was drawn to the second of these definitions.

These past few years, I have been spending increasing amounts of my time on activities for which I am not naturally gifted, but they are nevertheless activities that I love doing and pursuing. Specifically, I mean sports, such as cricket, plus music.
My mother came from a supremely musical family. One branch of her family yielded several notable professional musicians, especially violinists. Even my barber grandfather could, by all accounts, instantly play on the piano any tune you might choose to hum at him.

When I started secondary school, my mother gave me every encouragement to take up and play the violin. But quite quickly, the sound of me practicing, which resembled cats being tortured in a pitch-distorting dungeon, led mum to encourage me to give up violin and try something else. Anything else.

Actually I was growing quite fond of sport. Cricket, tennis and fives mostly. I wasn’t very good at sports either, but I wasn’t going to let an absence of giftedness stop me from trying. Nor was I going to let my own shortcomings stop me from becoming a fascinated follower of my favourite sports. And indeed also a devotee of many varied genres of music.

In truth, although I didn’t inherit the family gift for performing music, I certainly did inherit “a love of music”. And it has occurred to me characteristics such as “a love of music” truly are gifts to be cherished and celebrated.

Where I got my gift for loving sports such as cricket is more of a mystery. Neither of my parents had any interest in sport whatsoever. Not professional sport and certainly not my participation in sport; I don’t think either of my parents ever saw me play sport, other than me mucking about at some nonsense game at home.

Yet, my father’s very last birthday treat included a sporting revelation. The only way to treat my dad towards the end of his life…actually for most of his life…was to take him out for a good meal. As it happened, in 2006, dad’s 87th birthday, fell on a day that Middlesex were playing at Lord’s. I booked at table with a view in the Warner Restaurant, which followed an informal pavilion tour before lunch. They loved it. As dad said, “there aren’t many places I can go now and see people of my own age…apart from old age homes”. The England & Wales Cricket Board marketing folk may use that quote for nothing.

At one point that day, dad mentioned that he and his kid brother Michael had been given a set of cricket equipment by their parents as a gift, when the family moved to Clapham Common in the early 1930s and the boys started a new school there. Neither dad nor Michael had shown any interest in cricket before the gift, apparently, nor did that gift inspire either of them to take the slightest interest in cricket. My grandparents; Eastern European migrants with accents from central casting, were perhaps striving to turn their sons into quintessential English schoolboys through the peculiar sport that is cricket.

I wonder whether my grandparents’ intention with that cricket equipment gift somehow skipped a generation but still subconsciously fueled my love of cricket? A gift indeed.

Chris Grant remarked that he found it really weird hearing words that were so clearly mine coming out of David Wellbrook’s mouth. We have all known each other for over 45 years, so I suppose that is understandable.

All of the pieces were excellent, as usual. I also thought everyone made a good job of reading out someone else’s work, especially as most of us had not started the evening expecting to read something other than one’s own piece.

I caught myself categorising this Ogblog page as both “writing” and “friends and family events” this time. This reflects the fact that Threadmash has become, in my mind and I think those of others, a community of friends who, as it happens, like to gather to read and write together. It’s more than just “a writing thing” now. For all of it, I am grateful to Rohan for innovating and stewarding the ideas.

This time John Eltham came along to be part of the evening, as did Ben Clayson, although the latter arrived after the readings. It became, as always, a convivial gatheirng of interesting and interested people.

I took a few more pictures – all 10 pictures can be found on Flickr by clicking the picture icon below:

Is It Better With Or Without? by Rohan Candappa, The Gladstone Arms, 18 June 2019

In late May, I got this slightly strange message from Rohan Candappa:

Ian, are you around on 18 June? I’m doing a reading of a new piece of work about getting an eye test and the meaning of life at The Gladstone.

As it happened, that afternoon was the only slot I had available to go into the City to do City-based work stuff and that evening also happened to be a free evening.

Also, it was going to be a good opportunity to see old school friends, whom I had meticulously avoided seeing at the formal school 400th anniversary reunion a few days earlier, by sending a video of a mock-Jacobean musical performance rather than attending in person:

As it turned out, the day became a flurry of unwanted activity (not least a hoo-ha with Axa PPP regarding Janie) and then a bit of a rush to complete my City work, but still I got to The Glad in time for a pie, drink and chat with the pre-show diners, not least Johnny Eltham and Rich “The Rock” Davis.

Johnny Eltham was in especially skittish mood that evening, making some unusually disparaging remarks about my Jacobean music and mode. The Rock was his usually Rock-like self.

Others in attendance that evening included Paul Driscoll, Simon Ryan, Steve Butterworth, Dave French, Terry Bush, Jan and her friend Charmaigne, David Wellbrook and we were also blessed by the presence of The Right Reverend Sir Nigel Godfrey.

Last but not least, some minutes into Rohan’s performance, the late Nigel Boatswain arrived.

Something a bit misty-optic-like about the lighting

The setting; an Optometrist’s practice, is not exactly home turf for me, as I don’t yet need anything to adjust my eyes and have only had my eyes tested twice in that regard.

The phrase, “is it better with or without”, used many times, apparently, in the search for the optimal optical specification, provided the basis for Rohan to wander off on an existential angst-fest in which the said search might be a proxy for the meaning of life.

As is always the case with Rohan’s work, the narrative takes you into some detailed areas about which you have thought little, then makes you think about some big stuff and also at times makes you laugh a lot.

For reasons that seemed to make sense at the time but to which I cannot really back track, Rohan ended up getting the audience, led by John Eltham, to sing (or rather, “dah-da-da”) the theme to The Great Escape.

I feel bound to say that Johnny Eltham’s efforts dah-da-da-ing that particular tune ranged from poor on melody/harmony to utterly dire on rhythm. Elmer Bernstein was no doubt turning in his grave. And after all those back-handed compliments and disparaging remarks from Johnny about my Jacobean musical efforts too.

We have ways and means of making you sing…

Before his performance, Rohan made some moving impromptu remarks, not least praising our visitors from the Great Dominions, Nigel Godfrey for his sterling work raising funds for the Christchurch massacre victims and Rich “The Rock” for the success of his personal battles against cancer.

After his performance, Rohan told the assembled throng about Threadmash and asked David Wellbrook to retell his moving piece on the subject of Lost and Found from Threadmash 2 (below currently is my piece from that Threadmash – but I might at some stage persuade David to let me publish his Threadmash 2 piece as a guest piece:

It was a very stimulating evening and/but I was really quite tired once the performances were over, so I made my excuses and left promptly. Terry also left at the same time as me, so we had a chance to chat pleasantly until we parted company at Bank, where east is east and west is west.

So is life better with or without evenings like this? With – no question. Thanks, Rohan.

(Where Do I Begin?) Love Story – A Performance Piece For TheadMash 3, 7 May 2019

The question “where do I begin?” in the matter of a love story is, I suggest, a rather uninteresting question. Almost all love stories start when the lovers meet. OK, the story might have a short preamble to set the scene, such as the almighty punch-up at the start of Romeo and Juliet, but basically love stories start when the lovers meet. Simples.

So before I begin the short love story I have prepared for you, I want to explore two variants of the “where do I begin?” question:

Firstly – where did “where do I begin?” begin, in the context of the film Love Story.

Secondly, I want to explore the question, where…or rather when…does love begin?”, which I think is a rather more intriguing question. My attempted answer also informs the rather regular style of love story with which I shall briefly conclude.

So, where did “where do I begin?” begin? 

Francis Lai had written a score for the movie Love Story, including the tune Theme From Love Story.

The Paramount Movie people felt that the Theme needed a lyric and commissioned Carl Sigman, a top lyricist at the time, to turn that theme tune into a song.

Sigman initially wrote a schmaltzy lyric summarizing the love story depicted in the film, with lines such as:

  • “So when Jenny came” and
  • “Suddenly was gone”…

…you get the picture. But Robert Evans, the larger than life producer of Love Story, hated Sigman’s original attempt at the lyric; in particular fretting that the “Jenny came” line was suggestive.

According to Sigman’s son, the great lyricist was furious at being asked to rewrite the lyric, throwing a bit of a hissy and threatening to withdraw from the project. But the next day, when Sigman had calmed down, he told his wife that he would try again. But, “where do I begin?”, Sigman asked. “That’ll do”, or words to that effect, replied Mrs Sigman. Thus, at least apocryphally, the famous line and song title was born.

But the question I really want to explore before I tell you my little love story is where…or rather when…does love begin?”

I believe that people tend to rewrite their personal romantic histories somewhat, often attributing a “love at first sight” narrative to, for example, the story of meeting one’s life partner. But that attribution is made with the benefit of hindsight.

Let me illustrate my point with a slightly less emotive example. Falling in love with a house.

I quite often tell the tale of my viewing our house in West Acton, at the behest of my then girlfriend, now wife, Janie, who had already seen it. I reckon I had been inside for no more than 30 to 40 seconds before I concluded that I could imagine Janie living out the rest of her life in that house, possibly with me in it too. In the vernacular, I fell in love with our house at first sight. We bought the house. Janie and I love that house. Noddyland, we call it.

San-Bin-Ista
The Noddyland Threshold

But supposing the Noddyland house story had not panned out as it did. My offer might have been rejected or the survey might have found an insurmountable problem with that house. Or we might have been guzumped by David Wellbrook or some such person who knows a fine house at a sensible price when he sees one.

Janie and I would have resumed our search for a house and we’d no doubt have found another; we might have liked or even loved that other house…

…but I would not have looked back on my initial visit to Noddyland as a “love at first sight” story. We might have mused about whether we’d have been happier “at that one we liked the look of but didn’t get”. We would not have used the term “love” about that house at all.

My point is that the love comes later. We tend to back-fill the story in hindsight and imagine the love to have come much sooner than it really did.

Returning to the question of romantic love, I wonder where or when that love genuinely begins. My view on this matter has changed as I have got older. Back in the days of my very early fumblings in the late 1970s, for example The Story Of Fuzz in my inaugural TheadMash piece…

…I don’t think I thought of those escapades as love stories of any kind.

But soon after that, once I had started having “proper, long-term relationships”…I’m talking weeks here or even occasionally months…I considered those adventures to be “my love life.” Rollercoaster emotions would ensue; elation at the onset or when a romantic setback was overcome; heartache when things went awry, especially when the upshot was that I had been dumped. I know it’s hard to believe, folks, but one or two foolish young women made that mistake and paid the ultimate price of losing their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity with me.

But when I look back on those short-lived, early efforts now, I find it hard to recognize many if any of the characteristics of a love story in those tales. At the time, of course, I thought I was falling in and out of love. But with the benefit of a more seasoned perspective, those stories are merely a good source for comedic interludes or nostalgia-drenched asides…

…especially those stories for which I have unintentionally amusing diary entries with easily-interpreted hieroglyphics…

…oh yes.

Those early entanglements are too fleeting and (I regret having to confess) sometimes too entangled with each other to make true romantic copy.

Contrast that sort of juvenile jumble with…

…David Wellbrook’s superb recitation at ThreadMash 2, about his good lady’s near death experience and David’s intimate account of his own reaction to it. Now that piece was not written as a love story, it was written as a piece on the theme of “lost and found”. Yet it was, I would argue, a profound and heartfelt personal love story. I wouldn’t attempt to emulate or better it as a love story.

But it did get me thinking about a couple of near-death experiences Janie and I went through, particularly the first of them.

The incident was many years ago, in the mid 1990s, when Janie and I had been together for fewer than three years.

Janie and I went over to my business partner Michael and his then girlfriend (now wife) Elisabeth’s place for a Saturday evening meal that May Bank Holiday. Both Janie and I experienced quite severe indigestion that night; a state we attributed to Elisabeth’s solidly-Germanic, Sauerbraten style of cooking, combined with perhaps a tad too much alcohol to wash down the heavy food. But whereas my biliousness passed as the Sunday progressed, Janie became increasingly poorly and doubled up with pain in her innards.

To cut a long and painful story short, by the night of Bank Holiday Monday, I was convinced that the locum doctor’s relatively casual attitude to a woman doubled up with increasing pain was insufficient and took Janie to A&E, where they immediately diagnosed (correctly) acute pancreatitis caused by a rogue gallstone.

As I left Janie in the care of the kind doctor, the youngster (yes, even when I was still a mere 33 years old, the night-duty house doctor in A&E looked like a youngster) took me aside. He warned me that, although they thought they had everything under control and that the odds were in Janie’s favour, he was duty bound to warn me how serious pancreatitis can be and that Janie might not survive the ordeal.

I drove home, alone, with that “might not survive” thought and the strains of Miserlou by Dick Dale & His Del-Tones on the radio…

…well it was 1995 when Pulp Fiction was all the rage. I can no longer hear that tune without thinking of that lonely drive home.

But the incident brought the romantic truth home to me; Janie wasn’t just the girl that I had been going out with for longer now than any of my previous girlfriends – nearly three whole years. It made me realize that I really did love Janie.

In fact it made me realize that I had recognized that fact a year earlier, when I discussed the idea of me setting up business with Michael. I had said to Janie that the venture was a big risk…

…the dangers of Michael and Elisabeth’s notorious cooking for a start…that’s an unfair joke that should not be repeated or put in print (apart from the Ogblog version of this piece 😉 )…

…the venture was a big risk because we’d be taking on indebtedness and if the business went wrong I’d have to give up my flat and have little or no money for quite a while. Janie had simply said that it wasn’t really a big risk because she still had a job and a flat and that we’d get by. It was then that I knew that she loved me and that I also loved her and that she and I were committed to help each other through life’s journey for the foreseeable future.

To me, THAT is truly the stuff of “where love begins”.

Extract From Tchaikovsky Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture

As for the more simple, “where do I begin?” love story; I suppose I should now tell you the story of how Janie and I met.  

We met in August 1992 at one of Kim and Micky’s parties; Kim being Janie’s best friend.

In some ways it is odd that Janie’s and my path hadn’t crossed before, through Kim & Micky. I had known Kim, through holiday jobs and stuff, since I was a youngster. In the late 1980s, when I got to know Kim & Micky socially, I would see them a few times a year at dinner or lunch parties. But I guess they saw Janie and me as part of different circles. In any case, we were both otherwise attached most of the time during those years.

Anyway, Janie and I chatted quite a lot during the party and ended up as part of a smaller group that was still around into the early evening, at which point Kim suggested that we all go across the square and play tennis.

I had just started playing tennis again, rather tentatively, following a particularly nasty back injury. Goodness only knows how useless I was after quite a few drinks at the party. But most of us had been drinking quite heavily, so I don’t suppose the quality of the tennis was very high. I do recall thinking that Janie was pretty good at tennis. It probably helped that she was the only sober person among us.

Janie had mentioned several times that she had driven to the party in her car and therefore wasn’t drinking.  After the tennis, I asked her if she could drop me at a tube station. She said that she would, but that she wasn’t prepared to go out of her way and that the only tube station she’d be passing was Hanger Lane. That was ideal for me, as Hanger Lane and Notting Hill Gate are on the same line.

Janie and I chatted some more on the fifteen minute car journey.

Janie said that she liked poetry.

When she stopped the car to drop me off, I asked Janie for her telephone number.

Janie said no.

In order to get out of the car with my dignity intact, I took from my wallet one of those sticky labels with my name, address and telephone number on it. I stuck the label on her steering wheel, saying, “in that case, you can have my address and telephone number”.

Janie thanked me and said that she would write me a poem.

I’m still waiting for the poem.

While preparing this TheadMash piece, I asked Janie if she wanted to apologise for her terse refusal that first evening and for the continued absence of my poem, some 27 years later.

“No”, said Janie, “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Who could argue with that sentiment in the matter of love story.

In any case, Janie assures me that the poem is coming; she never set a specific date for its production. It might end up being my epitaph.

I look forward to that.

Meanwhile, if this short account has left you wondering how on earth Janie and I got it together after her initial rejection…

…well, that’s another story or two – not for ThreadMash.

But those yarns will be linked to the Ogblog version of this piece. They involve ossobuco

…and The Street of Crocodiles…

…obviously.

Postscript 1: For Those Readers Who Like Their Stories Circular/Complete

I realised after completing my first pass on this piece that Robert Evans, the producer who sent Carl Sigman back to the drawing board to write the “Where Do I Begin?” lyric, was the subject of a play Janie and I saw a couple of years ago; The Kid Stays In The Picture…

…which was put on by Simon McBurney/Theatre de Complicite, the same people who did The Street Of Crocodiles – Janie’s and my first proper date.

In Search Of Lost Time and Found Memories, A Performance Piece For The Second Theadmash, Gladstone Arms, 28 March 2019

On pondering the topic, lost and found, I soon realised that the thing I tend to lose most frequently at this stage of my life is time. And that the thing I am seeking to find with the most gusto is memories.

Those thoughts reminded me of two anecdotes.

The first one came at the end of the cricket season a few years ago.

Late season, I always try to take in a day of county cricket with my old friend, Charley “The Gent” Malloy. It helps us both to prepare for the inevitable winter withdrawal symptoms. The cricket season starts earlier and ends later each year, yet it seems to fly by faster than ever. Where do those months go?

In order to investigate this temporal phenomenon, which I shall paraphrase as ‘in search of lost time,’ I decided to add a large packet of madeleines to the picnic. I had bought that large pack earlier in the season but had not got around to using them. Those madeleines would expire before the next season. Besides, as any fool knows…

…or at least anyone with a vague knowledge of the writings of Marcel Proust…

…when in search of lost time, what you need more than anything else, is madeleines.

Madeleines de Commercy

No sooner had the umpires called “tea”, than out came the madeleines.

And no sooner had the crumbs touched my palate, than a shudder ran through me and I stopped, intent upon the extraordinary thing that was happening to me. An exquisite pleasure had invaded my senses. Whence did it come? What did it mean? How could I seize and apprehend it?

And suddenly the memory revealed itself. The taste was that of the little piece of madeleine which on Sunday mornings nanny would hand me, after dressing me in my little sailor suit, when I went to say good morning to mama in her boudoir.

“Are you getting involuntary memory from these?” I asked.

“Yup,” said Charley. “I can recall the rare occasions in that grim North-Eastern mining town, when mum would put a tiny pile of cakes on the table and the whole family would fight like wildcats in the hope that a few crumbs might touch yer palate.”

Now Charley is Essex born and bred. He does have some County Durham ancestry way back, but I’m not sure he’d ever even been to County Durham until we went together to the Durham test match in 2013.

“Hmm”, I said. “I think we might both be getting false memory rather than involuntary recovered memory from this packet of madeleines. Must be the lack of lemon zest. Still, they’re surprisingly good for packaged cakes. I’ll have another.”

“Me too”, said Charley.

So we ate three or four each and Charley took the remainder home to share with his starving wife and bairns.

Now, not all that long afterwards, I experienced a real example of finding a lost memory as a result of eating food. The foodstuff wasn’t madeleines this second time; it was caviar. Janie decided to treat us to a small pot of Ossetra caviar to help celebrate New Year’s Eve.

And this time, the recovered memory was an extremely peculiar but absolutely genuine memory…

…about Hitler.

Now there is an internet adage known as Godwin’s Law, which states (I paraphrase) that any internet discussion will eventually descend into a Hitler comparison.

Surely Threadmash should be a Hitler-free, safe space; not subject to an immersive equivalent of Godwin’s Law? Normally, yes, but not today.

From my infancy all the way through my childhood in Streatham, we had a wonderful lady doctor, Dr Edwina Green. Edwina was a GP who went way beyond the call of duty.

For example, because I was…how should I put this?…more than a little fearful of my jabs as an infant, she came round to our house to dispense the vaccinations. On one famous occasion, when I was feeling particularly averse to being stabbed, Edwina indicated to mum that my rump might make a better target in the circumstances. I worked out the coded message and tried to bolt. The end result was a chase around the room and eventually a rather undignified bot shot delivered by Edwina under the dining room table. My mum oft-reminded me of this later in my life.

Not even the trike was fast enough for me to escape Edwina’s needle

This extraordinary level of pastoral care and attentiveness went beyond zealously inoculating reluctant Harris miniatures – Edwina and her family were close friends with my immediate family, not least the ones who came “from the old country”. Uncle Manny, whose opinions were so robust and plentiful, that everyone in the family called him Pundit…and Grandma Anne – a traditional Jewish grandmother, who peppered her heavily-accented English with “bissel Yiddish”.

Grandma Anne With Dad (left) & Uncle Michael (right), c1930
Uncle Pundit (centre) with Dad (left) and Uncle Michael (right), c1950

In the early 1970s, at Christmas-time, my parents would go to Edwina’s house for a seasonal party, along with many other local folk. Naturally, my parents plied Edwina and her family with gifts…many of Edwina’s other patients and guests most certainly did the same.

A strange tradition arose, in which Edwina reciprocated our present giving by handing down a generous gift she would always receive from a wealthy Iranian patient; an enormous pot, I think a pound, of Iranian Beluga caviar.

By Mai Le [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Edwina and family didn’t like the taste of caviar. Nor did my dad, as it happens. But mum loved it and I acquired a seasonal taste for it too.

Each year, mum and I would eat Beluga caviar on toast for breakfast for the first couple of weeks of the year.

Even back then caviar, especially Beluga caviar, was very expensive. Not equivalent to the “critically endangered, barely legal, hard to get hold of” price levels of today, but still very much a pricey, luxury item.

I remember mum warning me not to tell my friends at school that I was eating caviar on toast for breakfast, because they would surmise that I was a liar or that we were a rich family or (worst of all) both.

There was only one problem with this suburban community idyll; Don Knipe. Edwina’s husband.

Don liked his drink. Specifically Scotch whisky. More specifically, Teacher’s whisky. A bottle of Teacher’s always formed part of our family Christmas gift offering, that bottle forming but a tiny proportion of Don’s annual intake.

By ramkrsna (http://www.flickr.com/photos/ramkrsna/384365364/) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Don I recall always being described as “eccentric”, but, as the years went on, Don’s eccentricities gained focus with increasing unpleasantness. Don joined the National Front, at that time the most prominent far-right, overtly fascist party in the UK.

One year, when I was already in my teens, my parents returned early from Edwina and Don’s party. I learned that Don had acquired a large bust of Hitler, which was being proudly displayed as a centrepiece in the living room. My mother had protested to Don about the bust, asking him to remove it, but to no avail. Mum had taken matters into her own hands by rotating the bust by 180 degrees. When Don insisted on rotating Hitler’s bust back to its forward-facing position, mum and dad left the party in protest.

Mum told Don and Edwina that they remained welcome at our house but that she would not be visiting their house while Hitler remained on show.

One evening, a few weeks or months later, my parents had Edwina, Don and some other people around our house. The topic of Hitler and Nazi atrocities came up. Don started sounding off about the Holocaust not really having been as bad as people made out.

Edwina And Don At My Bar Mitzvah, Natch.

My father stood up and quietly told me to go upstairs to my bedroom. I scampered up the stairs but hovered on the landing out of view to get a sense of what was happening.

My father was a very gentle man. I only remember him being angry twice in my whole life; this was one of those occasions.

“You f***ing c***!”, I heard my dad exclaim.

I learned afterwards that my father, not a big man but a colossus beside the scrawny form of Don Knipe, had pinned Don to the wall and gone very red in the face while delivering his brace of expletives.

I heard the sound of a kerfuffle, a few more angry exchanges, ending with “get out of my house”. Then I heard Don and Edwina leave the house. Edwina was weeping, apologising and trying to explain that Don doesn’t know or mean what he says.

Dad – a supremely gentle fellow…usually

The story gets weirder. Edwina remained our family doctor, although social visits were now at an end. Don and Edwina remained extremely attentive to Uncle Manny’s branch of the family and Grandma Anne.

And the seasonal exchange of gifts remained sacrosanct.

For reasons I now find hard to fathom, I became the conduit for the seasonal gift exchange. Why my mother, who organised the errand, felt that I would be less defiled than my parents by visiting a household that displays a bust of Hitler, I have no idea.

Anyway, for several years I would go to Edwina and Don’s house to deliver our presents and collect the fishy swag. I didn’t go into the large living room which contained Hitler’s bust; I would usually be received in a smaller front drawing room.

As I got a bit older, Don would ask me to join him for a whisky and a cigarette; offers which I accepted.

I can’t recall what Don and I normally talked about; not politics. We probably just chatted vaguely about my family and the weather.

But I do recall what we talked about in 1981, my last visit in this ritual.

Uncle Manny had passed away suddenly and rather dramatically in May that year. Grandma Anne never really recovered from the shock of Uncle Manny’s demise and died in the autumn that same year.

By late December 1981 I had completed four terms at Keele; I was far more politically aware than I had been in earlier years.

Don greeted me at the front door, as usual, but this time said, “come through to the living room and have a whisky with me.”

“Not if Hitler is still in there,” I said.

“Oh don’t start all that”, blustered Don, who I think must have made a start on the whisky before I got to the house that morning. “I really want to chat to you about your late uncle and your grandma.” Don started to cry.

I relented and entered the forbidden chamber.

And there he was, in the sitting room, glaring in my direction.

Hitler.

The bust of Hitler, I mean. I said the story was genuine and strange, not deranged.

Hitler’s bust, resplendently positioned with Nazi flags and books about the Third Reich on display around it.

I accepted a generous slug of Teacher’s and a Rothmans; then I reluctantly sat down.

Don was crying. “I miss your Uncle Manny and your Grandma Anne so much”, he said, “you have no idea how fond of them I was. I love your family.”

I remember saying words to this effect, “Don, I understand that you sincerely love my family, but I cannot reconcile that love with Hitler, Nazi memorabilia, your membership of the National Front and you keeping company with those who hold such views. Those are antisemitic, out-and-out racist organisations and people. It makes no sense to me.”

“It’s not about Jewish people like your family. I love your family.”

“So what sort of people is it about?” I asked.

“Other people. You don’t understand”, said Don.

Don was right. I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. It isn’t as if our family was so secular and Westernised. Uncle Manny and Grandma Anne were like Jewish stereotype characters from central casting.

“Godwin’s Law, Godwin’s Schmo, Don Was Always A Mensch Towards Me”

I think I was polite in making my excuses and leaving fairly quickly. The visit certainly didn’t end in any acrimony or hostility. For sure I got the caviar. But I resolved not to run that errand again and (as far as I recall) didn’t ever visit that house again.

Strange. And I found that memory simply as a result of sampling a small pot of caviar with Janie.

Now, as an experiment this evening, I thought it would be fascinating for all of us here at Threadmash to see if we can find lost memories in this way.

So, at my own cost…

…with absolutely no expense spared…

…I have bought each of you a small pot…

[TURN PAGE IN SEARCH OF THE PUNCHLINE]

…I have bought each of you a small, pot-entially Proustian…

…madeleine.

[HAND OUT WRAPPED MADELEINES FROM BAG]

Postscript – Brief Review Of the Evening, Written The Morning After

We gathered excitedly at the Gladstone Arms for this second Threadmash. Ten of us with stories to tell and just a couple of people this time observing only.

People listening intently to Rohan’s intro

As last time, Rohan was the arranger and compere for the evening. He stitched me up to go first – which explains why I was in a good position to photograph some of the group from the side during Rohan’s intro.

Eight of us were having a second go; two new people joined us in telling a story.

The stories tended to be darker and more visceral this time. Perhaps the topic, “Lost and Found” was asking for that. Two of the stories were about experiences with drugs and/or addiction. Two were about nearly losing a loved one, together with the intense emotions that arise from such events. One was about nearly losing a cherished artefact – in this case a violin; a personal story, interestingly, nevertheless, told in the third person.

Several of the pieces this time were experimental in their written style. One was in blank verse. Two were fabulist, in one case making it intriguingly hard to tell the extent to which it was based on personal experience. One story spanned over fifty years and ended with a fascinating revelation.

All of the stories and performances were very good indeed; delivered and received with great warmth.

To continue the thread for next time, Rohan brought a pile of single records, from which we each picked two at random, so we shall each have a different title next time and some element of choice from the records we picked.

Not a bad random choice to trigger story-telling

One story teller, earlier in the evening, had said that we don’t always find stories to tell; sometimes a story finds us. I was pondering this fascinating idea, after parting company with the last of my companions, as I switched to the Central Line at Bank. There, on the train, as I sat down in the almost empty carriage, on the seat opposite me, a story found me:

There simply has to be a story behind that crumpled Ann Summers bag. It won’t be my next Threadmash story, but it is a story that should be told. If you want to tell it; please do so – it might not be for me to tell that story.

It had been a wonderful evening.

As I write, the next morning, my head is full of all of those stories and the warm, friendly feeling that pervaded the evening. Strangely, I cannot find a single word to describe that feeling in English, whereas there is a suitably descriptive word for it in German: Gemütlichkeit.

Once again Rohan, many thanks for making Threadmash happen. Here’s to the next one.

The Rohan Thing, My Short Performance Piece As Part Of Rohan Candappa’s Inaugural Threadmash, Gladstone Arms, 5 February 2019

When Rohan was organsing this evening, he sent round a note asking us to “pencil in” this date.

Now I’m not one who is naturally disposed to doing what I am told…

…so I joined the small band of pencil-resisters and informed Rohan and others:

I have written “Rohan Thing?” in big letters in my diary, in ink. If my inflexibility in the pencil verses ink aspect deems me ineligible for the event, I quite understand.

Rohan responded:

Ian, it’s mainly your hat that I’m inviting. But, apparently, it can’t make it without you wandering about underneath. As for ‘Rohan Thing’ – that makes it sound like you’d met me at a party the night before, but can’t remember my surname. Despite all this, I still want you to come along.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking that I am buying time here, in a rather pitiful way, by quoting Rohan’s witty remarks while avoiding actually telling a story of my own.

Well, y…

…NO! Not at all. But that bant does form part of my story.

Let’s start with Rohan’s initial reference to my hat. Now it seems to me, that Rohan was, rather obviously, dropping a heavy hint that he wanted me to tell the story about the day I bought this hat.

And in many ways it is perfectly understandable that Rohan should try to coax me, kindly, gently, directorially towards telling that story. Because it is a darned good story. Within three minutes of buying this hat, from Lock & Co. in St James’s, in early June 2016, I was afforded the opportunity to accost Boris Johnson while he was on his bicycle and had to stop for me at a pelican crossing on The Mall. I waved my real tennis racket at Boris – an implement which, I have subsequently been told, has the unfortunate look of a sawn-off shotgun when in its archaic canvas bag. It wasn’t my intention to seem quite so threatening. Oh well.

Here are some of the items for you to peruse

Anyway, I let Boris know what a knob he was being by supporting Brexit, endangering our economy and potentially causing geopolitical mayhem. My noble gesture was temporarily cathartic for me but ultimately, it seems, futile for the nation and the world.

[Click here for the full story of that Boris Johnson day]

I could milk that anecdote into a full blown dramatic…or perhaps I should say tragi-comic recitation…

…if I wanted to…

…but as you know, I’m not one who is naturally disposed to doing what I am told…

…or even what I am kindly, gently, directorially coaxed towards doing…

…so I’m not going to talk about the June 2016 hat.

Instead, I’m going to talk about the trousers I bought four weeks earlier. These red trousers.

I made an emergency trip to the Retro Clothing Exchange shop
at 28 Pembridge Road in Notting Hill Gate, to try and find an appropriate pair of trousers for a 1960’s party. Actually it wasn’t for any old 1960’s party. It was for my wife, Janie’s party.

The likely source of the party trousers was the basement of that retro shop. Despite its change of purpose within the “Exchange Empire”, I recognised the space immediately as the old bargain basement of Record and Tape Exchange.

[On with Sisters Of Mercy]

I inhabited that basement a great deal in my youth. Initially and several times subsequently, those visits were with my Alleyn’s School friend, Paul Deacon.

It was probably the pull of Record and Tape Exchange and my resulting familiarity with Notting Hill Gate that drew me to move into that part of London ten years later, almost exactly 30 years ago, when I was ready to find my own place. A most fortuitous draw, as I have been profoundly happy living there.

Now as some of you might know, I indulge a retro-blogging habit, writing up my diaries and memorabilia in the form of a life blog going back as far as I can go. Ogblog, I call it.

So, when I got home with my bright red retro trousers, I did a diary trawl of my 1970s second hand record shop expeditions, in order to Ogblog those memories.

Paul Deacon and I first succeeded in visiting that shop in late April 1978. I bought several records which had a profound effect on me. Most memorably from that first batch, a CBS sampler album, The Rock Machine Turns You On, which had, amongst other treasures, Sisters of Mercy by Leonard Cohen. I remember the hairs on the back of my neck standing up when I first heard that track. I played it over and over again, to the irritation of my parents who wondered why I was hell bent on playing “such dirgy stuff”.

[Click here for the story of that first visit]

But the dusty and musty smell of the 28 Pembridge Road basement actually reminded me most about a visit some three months later, during the school holidays, not with Paul, but with a young female known as Fuzz.

[Off with Sisters Of Mercy – On with Me & Mrs Jones]

You might recall that Rohan thought the term “Rohan Thing” appropriate for someone you met at a party whose second name had evaded you. Of course, back in 1978, when we were 15/16 years old, it was not uncommon to get rather friendly with someone at a party without ever finding out their second name.

But I must confess that Fuzz, with whom I’d had a gentle squeeze at Anil & Anita Biltoo’s party a couple of weeks before she and I made that July 1978 Pembridge Road visit, has a unique place in my junior romantic canon. Because I don’t think I even found out Fuzz’s real first name, let alone her second name. 

How we arranged that “date” at Pembridge Road is a bit of a mystery now…but nowhere near as much of a mystery as her name. “Everyone calls me Fuzz”, is, I think, as far as I got, name-wise.

But in other ways, Fuzz and I got a little bit further. I was on the lowest foothills of learning about romantic entwinement that summer, but I had discovered tonsil hockey a few months earlier and was quite keen to practice that sport when the chance presented itself.

During one of the quarter breaks in our tonsil hockey match at Anil and Anita’s party, I inadvertently overheard Fuzz excitedly telling her pals, that…

…I blush to report this…

…words to the effect…

…I was the best tonsil hockey player she had ever encountered.

[Off with Me And Mrs Jones]

Now please bear in mind, folks, I went to the sort of school where the only feedback you got from games masters, even if you were one of the best sporting boys the school had seen in years, was a phrase such as, “you’re uncoachable”, delivered with a clip around the ear…

…and I was far from being one of the best sporting boys the school had seen in years…

…I was one of those boys who would try hard at sport, but whose abundant enthusiasm could not compensate for my dismal shortages of athleticism and talent.

Not that my school sporting career was completely devoid of success. Oh no. Three years earlier I had, famously, defeated the mighty John Eltham – who was certainly one of the more sporty boys – in the fives quarter finals of 1975. I even have a “winning quarter-finalist” trophy emblazoning my drinks cabinet, a trophy mysteriously uncovered by a certain Rohan Candappa, as evidence of that victory.

(Click here for the story of that famous victory)

But my point is, I was not used to hearing encouraging sporting words at all and I had, until that juncture, the low confidence of a novice in the matter of tonsil hockey. My previous experience at that sport (otherwise known as French kissing) could, in July 1978, have been counted on the fingers of one hand. Possibly even the finger of one finger. But I was hearing it on good authority that I was already up there with the very best exponents of the sport globally. Wow.

Of course, it occurs to me now that Fuzz’s prior experience of tonsil hockey might have been as limited as mine, or even less so, making “best ever” a somewhat meaningless comparative term. Oh well.

What Fuzz might have thought of my sartorial talent back then is lost in the mists of time, but it is very unlikely to have been good news. Baggy flared jeans and a yellow PVC waterproof garment, which my youth club friends teasingly described as “Ian’s Banana Jacket”. Little did those folks know that I was, in fact, a proto leader of the yet-to-be-formed gilets jaunes movement. The non-violent, social justice, French chapter. Not the Neo-Nazi English chapter that likes to describe centrist Tories as Nazis. But I digress.

Anyway, back to my date, on a hot day in late July, with Fuzz, in the bargain basement of the Record & Tape Exchange shop where, years later, I bought these red trousers. I suppose I became engrossed in my gramophone record searches and it seems that Fuzz became overwhelmed by the mustiness and dustiness of that Notting Hill basement. Fuzz fainted, banged her head while collapsing and needed to be revived by worried staff in the shop.

But apart from that, young Mr Harris, how was your hot date?

Reflecting on this ill-fated first (and perhaps unsurprisingly, last) date with Fuzz, I realise that it could have been a truly disastrous incident. Had Fuzz lost consciousness and needed attention from the emergency services, I might have had some explaining to do to the other type of fuzz when trying to assist them in identifying the young woman and notifying her next of kin. I don’t think the answers “Fuzz” or “Thing Thing” would have gone down terribly well with the fuzz.

Roll the clock forward again to May 2016, the day I bought these retro red trousers and a month before I accosted Boris Johnson while wearing this hat…

…I wrote up those 1978 Record and Tape Exchange memories on Ogblog and corresponded with Paul Deacon over the next couple of days, tidying up and expanding some of the text.

Paul emigrated to Canada some years ago now, where he now pursues his career as a voice-over actor, music archivist and part-time DJ.

As an aside to our e-reminiscing, Paul asked me if Janie and I had listened to his weekly broadcast on The Grand At 101 lately, which is available on-line. I had to admit we hadn’t. The show is on Saturday afternoons in Ontario, therefore Saturday evening in the UK. Janie and I are almost always out on a Saturday evening.

But, as luck would have it, our Saturday evening plans that weekend had, for practical reasons, been switched to Sunday lunch. So I told Paul we’d tune in. A few other old school friends also tuned in that evening and we had some fun with Paul, messaging in obscure requests for shout-outs and spins.

Paul then messaged us to say that John Eltham (yes, he of the historic fives quarter final in 1975) would be joining Paul at the studio “any minute”. I was aware that John Eltham was due to visit Paul, but I hadn’t twigged that the visit was so imminent, let alone that day. Then another message from Paul:

John’s here now! He’s just told me about the Rohan Thing…

Now, at this juncture I probably should explain that “The Rohan Thing” back in 2016 was not the same “Rohan Thing” as The Rohan Thing we are all attending tonight. “The Rohan Thing” that John Eltham and Paul Deacon were talking about was the monologue, “How I Said ‘F*** You’ To The Company When They Tried to Make Me Redundant”, which Rohan had piloted at my company’s office earlier that year and which he was preparing to take to Edinburgh as his first Edinburgh Fringe show.

Thus we learn that there is more than one Rohan Thing. Indeed, there are many Rohan Things.

And as for my red trousers, you must be wondering whether they worked with my 1960s party get up?

Well…

[Remove hat and jumper to reveal bandanna, party shirt, CND medallion and don the CND whacky specs]

…the red trousers were a groovy happening thing amongst many groovy happening things at that party, man. Peace and love.

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Footnote: At the end of the evening, Rohan ceremonially handed out a lengthy  thread to all who had performed, to symbolise the thread of story-telling that leads from Chaucer through Shakespeare and Dickens to our evening and evenings beyond.

Ben Clayson captured that moment and has kindly consented to me publishing a Photoshopped version of his photo here – (not that Ben knows it at this actual moment, but if the photo is still here when you look, then he probably has actually consented):

Thanks, Ben – and thanks Rohan for organising it all.

David Wellbrook’s Performance Piece At Rohan Candappa’s Inaugural Threadmash, Gladstone Arms, 5 February 2019

David Wellbrook (standing) loudly performing, Rohan Candappa (seated) quietly reading

Many thanks to David for allowing me to publish his performance piece as a guest piece on Ogblog. The version below is not only a thoroughly enjoyable piece, but it also explains the context to Rohan’s show, which means that I don’t have to write that bit.

The story in David’s performance piece is not included in David’s delicious short book, My Good Friend, which I tried and failed to review on Amazon much earlier this year:

Anyway, here is David’s Threadmash piece on clothing:

From my perspective, it all began with a photograph that I had stumbled across whilst clearing out some old stuff a few months ago. It was taken in 1978 at Chris Grant’s sister’s wedding and depicts four young men for whom the word “fashion” was no more than a theoretical concept to be explored by others.

The excellent Rohan Candappa, author of numerous best-selling titles, and now Edinburgh Festival stalwart, decided than an evening of story-telling, with a theme around fashion, would be a good idea, upstairs at a London pub on a wet Tuesday evening in February.

And lo, it was so. There we all were. Nine of us, with stories to tell.
Rohan decided that I would go on first. “You’re the Status Quo of our Live Aid extravaganza,” he assured me, giving my left buttock a gentle squeeze.

“Whatever you want,” I replied, “whatever you like.”

And so, with my “just-in-time” reflections, this is what I said:
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Hopefully you all have an envelope. (I had handed out a number of envelopes by this point.) Please resist the temptation to open the envelope just yet because my piece is entitled “The Story Behind the Photograph” and indeed within that envelope, almost as if it was planned, is the photograph in question. Now, you may find the photograph amusing in it’s own right, who could blame you, but you will have no context and in this instance, context is important. As the famous Italian philosopher Rigatoni Tortellini, once said, and I believe I’m translating from the original Hebrew, “Contexti esti importanti.”

I might have just made that bit up.

Anyhow, The Story Behind the Photograph:

Rohan has dragged me…invited me along here this evening to talk to you about the thorny subject of fashion and how, in the wrong hands, these hands, it can all go cataclysmically wrong. As you can tell from my underpants, I take fashion very seriously. I always have and I suspect I always will.

But where to begin? Marianne was seven years older than us and by a strange quirk of arithmetic and no one having died, she still is seven years older than us. Marianne is also my mate Chris’s big sister. (It was fortunate that Chris was in attendance as I now had someone to blame). My mate Chris has two big sisters and Marianne is the bigger of the two. Certainly in terms of age. She’s seven years older than us as I think I might have mentioned.

But what has this got to do with fashion you may ask?

(I waited a few moments at this stage and as if by magic, everyone shouted:
“BUT WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH FASHION?”)

Well, since you’re so kind as to ask, let me explain. Marianne decided to get married. To Alan. I had met Alan several times before and despite originating from north of the Watford gap he seemed like a decent sort of chap. He, Marianne and Chris had managed to get me drunk a year earlier, and at the tender age of fifteen, had dumped me on my parents’ doorstep, had rung the doorbell, and had FUCKED OFF. Not that I bear grudges you understand.
With their nuptials fast approaching, I was invited to Marianne and Alan’s wedding (an expression of guilt if ever there was one), along with Chris’s three other friends, Ben, Nigel and Paddy Gray. Chris may very well have more than four friends, but I’ve never met them.

So, and my point is, at sixteen years of age, what to wear to the wedding of someone seven years older than us? I’m obviously looking at this from a singularly personal perspective, and I’m sure Ben, Nigel and even Paddy Gray suffered an equal number of sleepless nights dwelling on the same dilemma.

I didn’t own a suit, other than the suit I wore to school. I didn’t own a dress either, and although I could drag up quite impressively, to wear a dress I didn’t even own at someone else’s wedding, seemed a little self-indulgent. No one wishes to upstage the bride now do they?

So, what to wear? I went through my wardrobe and having come out the other side, concluded that there was very little of interest in there. C.S. Lewis had promised so much and yet had delivered so very little. At this point I would normally insert a scathing joke about Brexit but I fear I would alienate 51.9% of the audience. If I haven’t already.

So, like most 16 year olds vexed by a matter of clothing, I turned to my parents. Unfortunately, they had already left the room, and so I had to wait a good three or four hours before they came back in again.

“What’s up with you?” they said realising that I was still there.

“I’m worrying about Chris’s sister’s wedding on Saturday?” I cried.

“I have simply nothing to wear.”

In all matters costumery, my parents would often defer to Mr. Schindler. Mr. Schindler was a family friend who owned a gentleman’s outfitters. He was a kindly old man as I recall with a beautifully waxed Hercule Poirot moustache, and a lisp. Mr. Schindler bore his speech impediment with a stoicism that was no doubt forged by his own wartime heroics, and, you know, much like his more illustrious namesake, Oskar Schindler, I’ve always hoped that someone, someday would make a film about Schindler’s lisp.

(There was some genuine laughter at this rather contrived gag, but the groans of comedic pain knocked me onto the defensive).

Look, (I said), this is a cracking joke. (I feigned disgust at the lack of appreciation for such a beautifully crafted punchline). In 2009 I did this joke at the Cheltenham Womens’ Institute and, you know, one woman fainted she was laughing so much. This is possibly the funniest joke in the whole piece. Umm…I might have peaked early just so you all know. It may be all downhill from here…

(I cracked on)…

Anyway, not entirely trusting the wise words of Mr. Schindler, I decided to have a ring around. With a phone. We didn’t have texts in 1978. We had Teletext which was altogether something quite different and we had telex which had a similar number of letters and also an ‘x’, but we didn’t have texts. So, the phone it was. I rang Ben.

(Ben, by the way, was sitting in the front row, and could clearly see where all this was going).

“What are you wearing on Saturday?” I asked. It was a sensible question to start with as it was the only reason I was ringing.

Ben ummed and aahed a bit and then said: “Probably my blue leather jacket with Chelsea tie to match.”

I briefly considered Ben in church with nothing on other than a blue leather jacket with Chelsea tie to match and so I very quickly rang Nigel.

“Light brown three piece suit in wool,” he replied to much the same question as I had thrown at Ben. Nigel was probably the sensible one amongst us four, which kind of speaks volumes for the rest of us.

I rang Paddy Gray. “Pad the Lad”, announced that he would be wearing his big brother’s work suit because the wedding was on a Saturday and his big brother didn’t work at the weekend. I wasn’t at all sure what Paddy’s big brother actually did for a living, but prayed he wasn’t a professional clown, a waitress or the rear end of a pantomime horse.

None of this actually got me any further but it wasn’t really until Friday lunchtime that I began to panic. Mr. Schindler had tried to fob me off with a blue pinstripe suit which he assured me would look really good for work if I was ever kicked out of school early. Mr. Schindler clearly new his clientele.

I went through my wardrobe again and much like my previous journey there was no lion or even a witch, but what I did find was a brown and white striped shirt with white collar, a huge velvet brown bowtie, a pair of green synthetic flared trousers and some brown cowboy boots. Put all this together with my fawn coloured print jacket and they’ll still be speaking about me in forty years time, I thought.

I put it all on. It looked horrendous. “Perfect,” I decided. But actually, there was still something missing.

I rang my girlfriend.

“Can I borrow your school boater for tomorrow’s wedding?” I asked.

“Of course you can,” she replied, clearly either very much in love with me, or not worrying one way or the other whether I looked like a complete cock or not.

So, come the big day, there we all were. Chris looked me up and down and shook his head, not for the first time and certainly not for the last. “Have you been experimenting with the old wacky backy?” he asked.

“No,” I replied, “this is all my own work.”

The wedding, by contrast, went off without incident. Ben’s blue leather jacket with matching Chelsea tie escaped unhurt, Nigel’s light brown three piecer survived unharmed, and Paddy Gray’s big brother’s business suit caused no major international terrorist alert.

Not that that could be said for my brown and white striped shirt with white collar, huge velvet brown bowtie, green synthetic flares, cowboy boots and printed jacket. The boater, which I had chosen to wear at a jaunty angle, proved to be something of a hit however and I’m led to believe that many of the guests were heard to comment on my bravery in wearing such an outfit in public.

Now, many of you here this evening, will question the veracity of what I’ve been talking about. Particularly those of you that know me. I have in the past been accused of exaggeration, of hyperbole, of low perbole, and indeed all manner of perbole. But somebody took a photograph that day, and so in those envelopes is evidence, evidence ladies and gentlemen of the jury, of a young man’s desire to shock, to stand out from the crowd, to present himself as a fashion icon for the 70s; a match for such luminaries as Mick Jagger, Bryan Ferry and Arthur Mullard. Feel free to open the envelopes and marvel at the vestmental mayhem.

(Envelopes by this point had begun to open and a mixture a gasps, laughs and general disbelief filled the room).

How I was ever allowed out of the house dressed in such a fashion remains a mystery to me. I suspect social services cannot be alerted retrospectively particularly after forty years and so I’ll need to cope with the emotional fallout in my own way. But all is not lost. As you can see from the photograph, there appears to be a shaft of sunlight cascading down from the heavens illuminating my bowtie, and so I shall have to console myself with the knowledge that at least somebody up there loved me.

Feel free to keep the photo. Use it as a bookmark. A coffee table coaster. Show it to your friends and neighbours and use it as a warning against ignoring the advice of old men with lisps and recreational drug use.

Thank you all very much.

(I made an exaggerated bow and exited stage left, to raucous applause and a general relief that it was all over).

One Starts in a Barber’s. One Starts in a Bar by Rohan Candappa, Preview, Gladstone Arms, 21 November 2018

One of the great things about being friends with someone like Rohan Candappa is that you get to see some of his creative pieces while they are works in progress.

Take, for example, the wonderful piece Rohan and Kat Kleve are taking to Edinburgh for the 2019 fringe festival; One Starts in a Barber’s. One Starts in a Bar. – click this link for the festival blurb on the show.

Back in the day…

…but not so far back that the term “back in the day” didn’t even exist…

…Rohan told me about a short performance piece he was working on, working title “The Last Man Cave”, which was about going to the barber’s. That idea would sound like complete rubbish coming from most people, but coming from Rohan, I guessed that he was onto something eentertaining.

Rohan also asked me to look at a short fragment of a female performance piece he had worked on with the actress Lydia Leonard, which he had given the working title “Pigeons” and had filmed:

I thought there was real merit in that fragment.

Rohan agreed and told me that he had expanded it into a complete but short work, working title: ‘And You Are?’, which he planned to have performed alongside his comedic barber’s piece.

This combination made no sense to me at all…

…until I went along to The Glad in November and saw Rohan and Kat Kleve perform a preview of the two-hander now known as One Starts in a Barber’s. One Starts in a Bar. Have I mentioned that Rohan and Kat are taking the piece to the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival? – click this link for more details.

Don’t be put off by the title “Trailer long” in the above trailer – it’s 74 seconds long.

That’s not long.

My hair is long…

…but that’s because I have an aversion to going to the barbers – an aversion formed when I was very small – a story for another time. Rohan’s barbers and bars stories are far more interesting than mine.

You don’t have to take my word for it – you can go to Edinburgh and see the show – click here for more details.

Based on the preview I, together with a few other lucky people, saw at the Gladstone Arms in November, One Starts in a Barber’s. One Starts in a Bar. is a really good show. It’s funny, sad and thought-provoking in equal measure.

If you are doing Edinburgh in 2019, go see it.