After The Lord Mayor’s Show Comes…The Lord Mayor’s Banquet, Guildhall, 13 November 2023

And there was me, into my 7th decade, thinking, until now, that something else comes after The Lord Mayor’s Show.

But then, in early October, I was “perfectly astounded”, to quote Charles Pooter, to receive the following invitation:

Unaccustomed as I am to attending white tie events, this meant a trip to the costume hire shop, Buckleigh Of London in my case, together with Daisy who acted as my sartorial advisor.

“Yup, that’ll do for the do

A month later, off I trotted to the Z/Yen office, with my whistle and flute in a specially designed suiter, where I changed out of mufti. No I am not a natural in the matter of costume changes.

The last time I had dined at the Guildhall I had initiated a brawl there.

Fortunately, it seems that nobody minded.

The Lord Mayor’s Banquet is far more formal than that – no singing, no dancing, just food, drink and speeches.

The reception ahead of dinner was a great opportunity for me to catch up with several old friends and also to speak with Michael’s family, not least his mum, Katherine, whom I missed at The Lord Mayor’s Show. I also spoke with a few new people (new to me, that is).

Then the dinner. I was sitting with an interesting collection of people – opposite me and to my right Tim and Sandi, who had been at school with Michael. Tim I had met before, at Michael and Elisabeth’s wedding. Also on that “to my right” side was Father Bill (Michael’s former maths teacher), Robert Pay and Susan Steele. To my left, people I hadn’t met before but all charming: Judith Pleasance, Philip Palumbo, Philip Woodhouse and Clare Felton. We found many and varied interesting topics to discuss over dinner, only some of which are on the unwritten “safe to discuss at formal dinners” list. Edgy.

This is what we ate and drank.

The cast list of speech makers comprised The Lord Mayor & The Prime Minister (between Course Two and Course Three), then The Archbishop Of Canterbury and The Lord Chancellor after dinner.

You can watch a vid of the speechifying if you wish:

Michael mostly laid out his agenda for his mayoral year, which you can read/skim about here. He included a joke, which, while I paraphrase, goes a bit like this:

Into a bar walks an American economist, an Irish writer, an English accountant and an Italian scientist. The barman says, “good evening Michael, what are you having?”

Rishi Sunak, as is the custom for The Lord Mayor’s Banquet, spoke about foreign affairs, the crises in Gaza and Ukraine being his main focus. Rishi understandably didn’t crack any jokes. I’m not sure jokes would be Rishi’s strongest suit even in more jovial times.

After the two “afters” courses, The Archbishop of Canterbury was entertaining, with an interesting mixture of a serious, pious, skittish and downright malcontented points.

I have actually met Archbishop Justin several times, including an audience 10 years ago…

…which is far more than I can say about the other speakers…apart from Michael, of course, with whom I have worked for nearly 35 years.

Last but not least was The Lord Chancellor, Alex Chalk, who was also in somewhat skittish mood. He picked up on Michael’s joke, and pondered about a bloke who had so many different things on his CV. Again I paraphrase:

Economist, scientist, accountant, writer…I thought, “this fellow doesn’t seem able to hold down a job”.

My first thought was to heckle:

…but that’s the whole point of Z/Yen – it’s a place where you can work while you decide what you want to be when you grow up…

…but I thought better of it. A brawl one visit, a heckle the next…I might gain an unwanted, though perhaps warranted, reputation at The Guildhall as a bit of a subversive.

Then it occurred to me that The Lord Chancellor, with all due respect to him, was hardly one to talk about holding on to a job. He has already “Chalked up” his fifth job since the start of the pandemic – indeed he seemed relieved that he wasn’t moved to a sixth job in three years in the cabinet reshuffle that had taken up much of Rishi’s day earlier.

In truth, I think the best joke of the evening was my own, albeit an inadvertent one. Immediately after the formalities ended, I chatted again with the Mainelli clan. Michael’s sister, Molly, asked me what I thought of the evening. I paraphrase our chat.

MOLLY: So what did you think of it all.

ME: A lovely evening, lovely.

MOLLY: What did you think about the fruitcake at the end?

ME: Do you mean the Archbishop of Canterbury or the Lord Chancellor?

MOLLY: You’re so naughty. You know I meant the cheese and fruitcake…

The thing is, I hadn’t experienced that cheese course, as it was walnut-based and I had reported ahead of time my nut allergy. For the final course, the caterers had kindly provided me with a “mushrooms on toast” savoury. So I hadn’t registered that the cheese savoury had been served with fruitcake and really imagined that Molly had found one of the closing speeches a bit left-field.

Mercifully, I don’t think anyone other than Molly heard my faux pas. Equally mercifully, I didn’t burst into song when the savoury was served…

…although that John Shuttleworth classic always pops into my head on the rare occasions I attend a dinner that reverts to savoury at the end.

After enjoying a few minutes catching up with friends and (Michael’s) family in the Old Library, I returned to the office to change back into mufti and get home before I risked causing any more trouble.

It’s A Little Bit Funny – Three Evenings In Five Days, 11, 14 and 15 February 2019

For someone who is making a conscious effort to cut back on midweek evenings out, this was not a high-achieving week.

11 February 2019, BDO Binder Hamlyn Partners Reunion, Guildhall

It started with a gathering of former BDO Binder Hamlyn partners at the Guildhall. Michael Mainelli asked me to join him and Elisabeth in helping to host that event – the first regathering of those partners since the firm dissolved into Arthur Andersen and other firms in the mid 1990s.

Of course, I wasn’t a partner in that firm, but during my five-to-six years with the firm I did do most of my work for audit clients. I also did a couple of internal consultancy projects – such things were normally considered to be career-blight for consultants, but I was either considered to be sufficiently dispensable or savvy enough to survive such trials – I still haven’t worked out which.

Anyway, point is, I did know most of the characters who turned up at the Guildhall that evening, in the Members’ Dining Room, the very scene of the brawl I started, just a few weeks earlier, at the Z/Yen Christmas lunch.

They are quite a centric bunch, the former Binder Hamlyn partners, in contrast with the quirkier group that descended on the National Liberal Club a few days later. Perhaps that explains why Michael didn’t trial his Gresham Society talk on humour in lectures. Instead, Michael made full use of his gavel and kept the formalities mercifully brief.

Actually it was a really pleasant gathering; just a shame there were none of the consultancy partners there who might have enjoyed the merry tale of my despair at my first assignment…

…or that first musical jaunt to Oxford in 1989…

Anyway, I think the former partnership informally decided that it should regroup socially once every few years – certainly not leave it 20 to 25 years next time!

14 February 2019 – The Gresham Society Dinner – National Liberal Club

In fact we were on the way to the National Liberal Club when I discovered that Michael’s after dinner speech was to be on the subject of humour in Gresham lectures.

Excellent idea; it is always interesting when a professor chooses to speak on a subject about which he knows nothing…

…I said.

Michael laughed and then promptly added that joke to the start of his speech. It would be churlish to suggest that it got the best laugh of the whole speech, as there were lots of jokes in there…

…including, rather dangerously, I thought, one of my favourite intellectual jokes, the one about binary:

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I say, “dangerously”, because, of course, that is a joke that really only works properly on the printed page. As soon as you say “ten” or “one-zero” you have slightly killed the joke.

Had it been me, I’d have fallen back on my other favourite intellectual joke; the helium joke, which I think works much better orally than on the page, as long as it is delivered with good timing:

Helium walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here”.

Helium doesn’t react.

Anyway, Michael’s after dinner talk was merely the apex of a very jolly evening. As usual, Tim Connell tried (and failed) to get through all the AGM business in five minutes. This time Tim double-failed; firstly by over-running in the first place, secondly by forgetting to re-elect the committee during the AGM bit which meant he had to hijack the start of the after-dinner revelry with that aspect of procedure.

Unusually this year we were graced with Iain Sutherland’s presence and he brought Bobbie Scully with him as a guest, which was a very pleasant surprise. Coincidentally, I had that very morning been Ogblogging about a visit to the theatre some thirty years ago with Bobbie to see the impenetrable Peter Handke play (or should I say dramatic poem?), The Long Way Round.

At the mention of this coincidence, Bobbie almost started hyper-ventilating as she remembers that particular theatre visit as quite the worst experience she can ever recall having at the theatre. If you click through you can read more.

Mercifully, Bobbie doesn’t seem to think that staying on for the second half was all my doing – she seems to think we both decided to stay out of charity to the performers, as we saw so many people leaving during the interval. So my memory of her begging me to leave during the interval and me insisting on us both staying is one of those false memories.

But back to the Gresham Society event, which no-one left early, even at the thought of an after dinner speech by Michael. It was, as always, a very convivial event with such interesting and friendly people.

Barbera Woodthorpe Browne organised a really charming touch for the evening – which ended up being on Valentine’s night this year due to availability of the venue – by sourcing large quantities of Valentine’s roses and seasonal gift bags enabling all of us to take the roses home to our loved ones.

15 February 2019 – Kim & Micky At Sanzio

The following evening Janie and I had dinner with Kim and Micky at Sanzio.

Picture from our previous visit in July 2018

I realise, looking at the picture from our previous visit, that we not only sat at the same table again but we even sat in the same places again. Here is my account of that previous visit:

This time I was not required to sign any disclaimers in the restaurant, but Kim was very determined to prove that she is “good at logic” by trying to demonstrate some logic puzzles on the table, using glasses, bottles and the like to try to make those “pattern-grid” type puzzles.

Janie and Micky were utterly baffled by it. I kinda got what Kim was on about (for once) but seemed to irk her by suggesting that such logic puzzles are not the be-all and end-all of rationality and indeed formal logic.

Meanwhile Kim’s dinner table logic puzzles started to look and sound like an old duffer demonstrating military maneuvers or cricket field placings by moving the cruet around the table. And the more Janie protested that she doesn’t/cannot engage with such puzzles at all, the more Kim sought to explain, while insisting that Janie can.

Meanwhile, I have a funny feeling that Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting alone at the next table, contemplating existential logic. After dinner, I heard the gentleman say to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”. The waitress acknowledged his order and Sartre returned to his ponderings. A minute or two later, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we don’t have any cream – is it OK without milk?”

Z/Yen Seasonal Lunch And Brawl, Guildhall, 14 December 2018

We had a fine lunchtime meal as our Z/Yen seasonal works outing this year, in the Guildhall. The meal is described in detail on the menu above.

I personally went for the tempura of cod followed by goose and cheesecake – all was delicious. I wouldn’t make this point on Now & Z/Yen, but on my own blog I feel able to say that:

Tempura of Atlantic cod with garden pea puree and lemon grass drizzle

…is just a posh way of saying “fried cod & mushy peas”. Very tasty, it was.

So how and why did this festive occasion end up as a brawl? You’ll need to read my Now & Z/Yen write up of the event to ascertain that – click here.

Or, if by any chance something happens to the Z/Yen website to prevent you from reading the above, the text of that article is scraped to here.

Anyway, if you want to jump to the punchline unexplained, click the YouTube link below – especially 2’45” onwards, which illustrates the sort of thing we did, although we did it for ourselves:

Here’s the lyric I wrote to enlighten our proceedings::

EXTZY 2018 VERSION

(Sung to the tune of “Ding Dong Merrily On High”…or more accurately “Branle de l’Official”)

Buy/sell merrily at Z/Yen,
In market games we’re trading;
Buy/sell heavily, you ken,
Z/Yen coffers we are raiding.

ExtZy,
For prizes or donations;
ExtZy,
For prizes or donations.

This lark isn’t just a game,
We’re Z/Yen Communitizing;
Building membership’s our aim,
And benchmark analyzing.

ExtZy,
For prizes or donations;
ExtZy,
For prizes or donations.

Play through Avatars we’ve made,
Z/Yen peoples’ role as ringers;
Let’s just hope that when we trade,
We’re better play’rs than singers.

ExtZy,
For prizes or donations;
ExtZy,
For prizes or donations.

It is extraordinary how, when I was planning this year’s Z/Yen festive singing, all roads led back to my early music teacher, Ian Pittaway, really quite by chance. The Now & Z/Yen piece doth explain.

Rest assured, a fine time was had by all and that, despite our brawl in the Guildhall, we would be welcomed back there.

Several Work-Life Balance Testing Events: The Second Long Finance Conference, Beyond Crisis, History Of Nearly Everything & Payroll Giving Awards, 20 September, 28 September, 30 September & 5 October 2010

20 September 2010: Second Long Finance Conference, Guildhall

Not content with being berated by the Evening Standard and mobbed by a groupie after singing at the inaugural Long Finance Conference

…I agreed to write another singalong for the second Long Finance conference. Another high-falutin’ bunch, including Neal Stephenson and Faisal Islam graced our event. Here is the rubric on the event.

I thought I took great care to choose a suitably reverent but not religious tune for this event and explained such on the lyric sheet:

Interlude

WHO WOULD REAL COMMERCE SEE
(Song to the Tune of “He Who Would Valiant Be” *)

Who would real commerce see,
Let us come hither;
Market stability,
Come wind, come weather;
There’s no discouragement, shall make us once relent;
Our first avowed intent, to see long finance.

Growth came so thick and fast,
For many seasons;
Few thought it wouldn’t last,
Despite the reasons;
Up graphs and surging charts, disguised the trend in part;
Still we can make a start, to be long finance.

No goblin nor foul gnome,
Can much restrain us;
We know that in the end,
Truth will sustain us;
Stale thinking go away, we’ll find a better way;
And labour night and day, strictly long finance.

Who would real commerce see,
Let us come hither;
Market stability,
Come wind, come weather;
There’s no discouragement, shall make us once relent;
Our first avowed intent, to see long finance.

We would like to thank Steve Cunliffe for kindly providing the soundtrack.

* This traditional folk melody is also known as “Our Captain Cried All Hands”, “Monksgate”, “Blacksmith” and probably several other names. With acknowledgement to John Bunyan’s poem “Who Would True Valour See” and to Ralph Vaughan Williams who spotted this lovely folk tune’s anthem quality.

Nevertheless, one battleaxe attendee accosted me and complained bitterly that my use of that tune was sacrilege. No amount of explaining satisfied her; sacrilege was sacrilege. I thought at the time that I got off lightly with just a verbal handbagging – she looked ready to let rip.

I discussed this with Brian Eno some days later, who suggested that, across two gigs, a total of one rubbishing by the press, one flattering groupie and one nutcase hater was about par for the course.

Anyway, the speakers and we organisers had a dinner with Dudley Edmunds at The Farmers Club that evening, which was an interesting and pleasant way to end the day.

28 September: Beyond Crisis, Gill Ringland, Gresham College, Museum Of London

I was to give a lecture in the same series a few weeks later

…so felt it was only polite to turn up to the other lectures in the series. In any case, Gill Ringland is always good value and this Gresham Lecture was no exception.

The Gresham site says that the lecture was at 12:00 midnight but believe me it was early evening:

30 September: An Even Shorter History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson, Gresham College, Guildhall

Two days later I was in the Gresham fold again and also back at The Guildhall; the scene of the “crime” that was my Long Finance song.

Bill Bryson‘s lecture was excellent.

The Gresham site says that the lecture was at 12:00 midnight but believe me it was early evening:

For some reason, Bill’s is embeddable whereas Gill’s is not:

I seem to recall a pleasant reception afterwards too and a brief opprtunity to meet the great man.

5 October: Payroll Giving Awards, Scheduled For No 11 Downing Street But Actually At the Treasury That Year

I was still chairing the panel of judges at that time.

I recall some amusing business with regard to the Police Service of Northern Ireland, who didn’t want to commit to travel to the event unless they had won, but we were of course sworn to secrecy over the matter.

I managed to find a way to encourage them to come without actually telling them that they had won. i think I used language along the lines of:

The last thing I’d want is some angry policemen from Northern Ireland in the room at the end of that evening, but I would very much like you to come along if you possibly can.

I think the gentleman got the hint because they came and were thrilled with their win, which was much deserved that year. Here is a link to results.

Nick Hurd did the presentations that year (as he did again two years later) – he came across as somewhat tired and emotional at the 2010 event – unimpressively so.

We had been scheduled for No 11 that year, but something went awry with those plans. We did land No 11 the following year, thouygh, to make up for it.

Still, we had a very good evening at the Treasury in 2010.