When Labour came to power in May 1997, I felt that I should try and give some of the new top team the treatment, but my heart wasn’t really in doing that and they hadn’t really had time to mess anything up…yet.
The attempt at Home Secretary Jack Straw below wasn’t strong enough and understandably didn’t make the cut for NewsRevue.
Makes interesting reading 20+ years later with the benefit of hindsight, though.
JACK STRAW
(To the Tune of “My Name is Jack”)
INTRO
My name is Jack and I sit at the back of New Labour’s front bench team;
My friends all rant and posture, while I sit and daydream.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, Straw – the team that I back,
Ought to keep home policy as splendid as before;
CHORUS: We all like Jack, but he isn’t exact-
-ly the strongest minister that Britain ever saw. (Whistle refrain)VERSE 1
There are kids over there, who molest, rob and swear, cos they’ve never had a chance,
So I’m building lots of Borstals, which is such a modern stance;
New Labours rhyme is that we’re tough on crime and the causes of crime too,
So we’ll lock kids up….and lock more up…..what else is there to do?
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, I’m in charge of the pack,
Who make our youth justice system modern and secure;
CHORUS: We do like Jack but he’s not got much tact,
Like a friendly scarecrow all he has for brains is straw. (Whistles refrain)VERSE 2
That twit Michael Howard was a terrible coward over Parkhurst’s retribution,
If I were Mike I’d sue the tyke who taught me elocution;
I’m on top of it all so I’m not going to fall for that nasty stuff called sleaze,
In case of doubt, I use my clout and throw away the keys.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, I’m appraised of the facts,
Like that Myra Hindley was one of the Guildford Four;
CHORUS: We did like Jack but he’s just got the knack,
Of convincing everyone that he’s some cornflakes short. (Whistles refrain)VERSE 3
Here comes Brown with his jowls and his frown cos he can’t add up the books,
And here comes Robin Cook who’s not here for his looks;
It’s lots of fun so I’d love to run Britain after Blair,
I say that I’m ambitious, but no-one seems to care.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, you should all watch your backs,
I shall rule the country, I’ll be leader, me, Jack Straw;
CHORUS: We did like Jack, but he now seems to lack,
All the marbles that he needs to keep out of Broadmoor.
(Whistling furtively as they seize Jack)
JACK: (spoken) Are you taking me off for my coronation ceremony?
CHORUS: (restraining him, leading him off, spoken) That’s right, Jack. Just stay calm.
Below is a video of Manfred Mann singing My Name Is Jack – click here to also see the lyrics in the notes.