Another unexpected discovery, this one. Credited in my notes to John Random and Gerry Goddin as well as myself. There’s not much of it, so it must have simply been a shared joke at that week’s writers’ meeting.
I don’t recall whether or not this quickie was used. Perhaps Messrs Random and/or Goddin do recall:
THE LOVERS
(This quickie is “voice over” throughout)
{The pianist plays a few bars of music that immediately make the listener think of the Orient. It is Indochina in the 1920’s. It is hot. It is steamy. Lust is in the air. These few bars make the listener think of all that. What a pianist.}
THE LOVERS:{Orgasmic grunting noises (possibly some male, some female – mainly female) build up rhythmically, eventually reaching a “fingernails digging into the mattress” level of intensity.}
UMPIRE:Deuce. (pronounced juice)
DAN MASKELL:Oh I say. Monica Seles has really come out on top.
I mentioned to John during that 2018 visit that I had attended (nay, even been part of the hosting group for) a concert in 1992, around the time, strangely, that John Random and I first met.
I did recall that I had seen Evelyn Glennie perform that evening and that it had been a BDO Binder Hamlyn event as part of my old firm’s sponsorship of Music at Oxford. But the rest I couldn’t recall and I felt a bit silly about that, because I knew that I would have kept the programme at least and that it was all lined up to be Ogblogged…eventually. I should have dug out the bumf before the 2018 visit.
Anyway, curiosity got the better of me a few days later and I dug out the programme. Indeed, not only the programme but, inside the programme, instructions from the BDO Binder Hamlyn marketing department telling me what to do.
Here’s the programme:
Below is a link to a pdf of the instruction pack for hosts. There is even a copy of the form you needed to fill in if you wanted to arrive in Greenwich by boat.
People who know me through Z/Yen and associate “me and boats” in the context of our many Lady Daphne boat trips over the years, might be surprised to realise that I chose not to arrive by boat…those who know me a bit better than that in the matter of boats will be far less surprised.
A common theme to all the elements of this story so far is Michael Mainelli, who was/is:
the BDO Binder Hamlyn partner who led on the Music at Oxford sponsorship/marketing events,
my business partner at Z/Yen who owned and led on the Lady Daphne boat trips thing,
someone who, coincidentally, visited Morgan’s Rock in Nicaragua with his family (though not Mukul, which didn’t exist back then) a few years before Janie and I went there.
Anyway, I got a chance to interview Michael about the Music at Oxford event yesterday (25 January 2018). His main regret was that he couldn’t recall who he took as his date that year to Music at Oxford. Our conversation then side-tracked onto the loony rule that Binder Hamlyn had (and many firms still have) prohibiting intra-firm romances. Michael was already going out with Elisabeth back then but it was a secret, closely guarded by several dozen of the several hundred Binder Hamlyn staff and partners. So Michael had to take a decoy date to events like this instead.
Once we got over that digression, Michael recalled that this particular event was rather a ground-breaking one. Certainly it was the first time that we had taken a Music at Oxford concert beyond Oxford. But Michael thinks it might have been the first (or certainly one of the first) commercially sponsored concerts to take place at the Old Royal Naval College Chapel.
Michael also recalls that Evelyn Glennie was very pleasant company over dinner after the concert.
Here is an interesting little vid about Evelyn Glennie:
Here is a little vid of the percussion and timpani cadenzas from the Panufnik Concertino that Glennie played that night in the chapel – but this is some other people playing. It is a bit noisy:
But the Old Royal Naval College Chapel is a Baroque building of great beauty, so you might want to imagine the sole baroque piece we heard that night, Bach’s Ricecare a 6 from A Musical Offering. Here is a sweet vid of the Croating Baroque Ensemble performing it:
But surely the last word should go to John Random. Because, strangely, that 1992 spring/summer was when John and I met – through NewsRevue. John was the first director to have my comedy material performed professionally – click here or below for one of the better examples from that season:
On spotting that we also heard a piece by Antonín Dvořák in the Old Royal Naval College that summer’s night in 1992, I was also reminded of one of John Random’s lyrics from that same summer. Because that was the summer that Czechoslovakia split into the Czech Republic and Slovakia. John wrote a superb lyric to the tune of Slow Hand by The Pointer Sisters, which included the wonderful couplet:
Not a compatriot of Dvořák,
I want a lover who’s a Slovak.
1992 was a seminal summer in so many ways.
A mere 25 years later…double-selfies hadn’t been invented in 1992
Buoyed by my early success with California Here I Go, I wrote quite a lot of lyrics during John Random’s Spring 1992 run.
Eventually I’ll upload the others; those performed and those not. Actually I’m not sure which John used and which he didn’t; I think he was (rightly) quite selective with those earlier efforts. But I do recall that John used this one about NHS Trusts; indeed it was revived, updated and used quite a lot for at least a couple of years – one of my better and more successful ones.
Virginia/Gini refers to Virginia Bottomley, the much-maligned Secretary of State for Health at that time. The song still works pretty much word for word, by merely changing the name of the Health Secretary and the future year in which a bed might become available – at the time of writing I am using “2028” when I lay this one down on my baritone uke.
I especially remember Chris Stanton starring in this number, as the lead singer/unfortunate old codger who was suffering while the NHS tried to transform into trusts. John Random will doubtless remember more about it, including the names of the other cast members from that run. I’m guessing Ian Angus Wilkie…
My WP file is dated 4 May 1992 and I am pretty sure that my version was first performed that Thursday, 7 May 1992.
♬ YOU CAN’T HURRY TRUSTS ♬
(To the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)
VERSE 1
I need drugs, drugs, to ease my pains, I need some treatment, NHS explains;
CHORUS 1
{Virginia says}You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{She says}List’ll get shorter, numbers doctored by the state.
You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{You gotta}Pop pills for a while, that way you will be sedate.
VERSE 2
But how many more months must I pine,
Before they find a bed in which to mend my spine?
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on,
Is the pethidine and this mogadon.
CHORUS 2
{But Virginia always says}
You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{She says} While we raise finance, operations will be late.
How long must I wait, how much more can I take?
Before all ‘dis traction, will cause my poor back to break. {You must wait}
VERSE 3
NHS trusts, don’t come easy,
So they keep debating, pontificating,
While Gini argues, what trusts ought to provide,
The NHS shoots off down the slide.
But I keep hoping, {Oooooh} that one fine day,
( {The hospital’ tell me}, I can stay.})
CHORUS 3
{But Gini says}You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{Why?}We must hire accountants, and a huge inspectorate.
You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{We promise}You’ll have a bed soon, autumn nineteen ninety eight.
John Random must have thought I was obsessed with Californian news, because I submitted this less than two weeks after California Here I Go. Perhaps I thought it might replace the morbid execution piece, which by its nature became old news rather quickly.
Unsurprisingly, this “looting” one wasn’t used. But it was submitted in the same pack as You Can’t Hurry Trusts, so you can’t fault John and the cast for their discerning choice of a winner when they saw one.
LOOTIN’ USA
(To the tune of “Surfin’ USA”)
VERSE 1
If everybody was in turmoil,
And causing an affray;
Then everybody’d be lootin’,
Like Californ-I-A;
You’d see ’em wearing their shell suits,
With beard and sandals too;
They’d all be breaking their curfews,
Lootin’ USA.
CHORUS
Insurrection USA They’re starting fires in Long Beach,
Depredation USA And in Fort Lauderdale;
Conflagration USA There’s violence in Pasadena,
Turbulation USA And in San Quentin jail;
Consternation USA All over Manhattan,
Deflagration And down in Santa Fe;
Everbody’s gone lootin’;
Lootin USA.
VERSE 2
We’ll all be planning out a riot,
And then we’ll light my fire;
Then go and nick some hi-fis,
To build a funeral pyre;
Insurgence and arson,
We’re gonna plunder LA;
Tell the fuzz we’re all lootin’
Lootin’ USA
SHORT INSTRUMENTAL (Preferably including some dancing that vaguely resembles people beating each other up)
Everbody’s gone lootin’;
Lootin USA.
Everbody’s gone lootin’;
Lootin USA.
Here is a really weird vid of The Beach Boys making minimal effort to mime Surfin’ USA while wearing bizarre beach outfits:
Well, I was a bona fide NewsRevue writer when I submitted this one, although i might not have known it yet.
But for some reason the then Director, John Random, did not deem this one good enough.
Perhaps the subject, the big bang, didn’t seem topical enough. I think something big bang-ish must have been in the news. I rather like the lyric.
BIGGY BIGGY BANG BANG (To the tune of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”)
INTRO
Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang: CHORUS 1
Ooohhh, aaahhh, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang’s primeval, And now Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang’s believable; Look at all the happy scientists, but they never can explain, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang’s too big for my small brain, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, except for this refrain:
THIS REFRAIN
The birth of the universe, In six lines of rhyming verse, Is likely to be a first, so hark;
The soup is primordial, It looks like lime cordial, A proton, a neutron and quark.
CHORUS 2
Ooohhh {NASA}, aaahhh {COBE}, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Big Bang’s cosmological, This {Supa} find {Nova} Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, is so astronomical; See {Mega} how {Giga} all the puzzled journo’s struggle to describe the dross, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, but they’re all at a loss, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, and no-one gives a toss. {Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang primordial Biggy Biggy Bang}
Below is a video of the song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The very helpful and encouraging Spitting Image people (especially Bill Dare and Giles Pilbrow) eventually encouraged me to contact NewsRevue, primarily because my songs tended to be very topical, whereas Spitting Image tended not to do topical musical numbers. I was not only encouraged but also rather chuffed to see a W2 address for the Canal Cafe Theatre. Within walking distance seemed convenient enough for me.
At NewsRevue my correspondence found a welcoming John Random inviting me to a writers’ meeting on 2 April 1992, which will be the day I first met several “friends of decades” and the first time saw NewsRevue. A young Jacquie Somerville was directing that run, much to the chagrin of the regular writers, as she was primarily using material from her own troupe, which I believe included Reece Shearsmith, together with material written by her pal Andrew Whelan. But John told me at that writers’ meeting that he was due to take over as director of the next run shortly.
I hope to write up that early journey from juvenilia towards NewsRevue via Spitting Image more fully at some stage; there is quite a fat file of my correspondence and early efforts.
There was no YouTube or e-mail with attachments in those days. I must have spooled a copy of the Jolson verse/chorus from my trusty reel-to-reel onto a cassette. The WP file of the lyrics is time stamped 08:12. I think I heard the news that execution had been stayed on the Today programme shortly after 8:00 (just after midnight California time), so I concluded the lyric with a stay of execution and dropped a package off by hand at the Canal Cafe Theatre on my way to work.
By the time I got home from work that day, Robert Alton Harris had been executed. I wasn’t sure what that existential change to the ending would do for the fate of my topical song, but of course in the hands of seasoned topical satirists like John Random and Chris Stanton, such last minute tweaks are merely par for the course.
So, when I went to the writers meeting on 23 April, I was thrilled to see my little song on the running order for that week’s show. I was even more thrilled to see my song performed. It turned out, of course, to be the first of many.
I seem to recall a slightly gruesome yet somehow amusing “snuffed” head gesture by Chris Stanton to conclude the song appropriately, despite the lyric. I cannot remember who else was in that cast; John Random will no doubt remember; he remembers most everything. Ian Angus Wilkie I think… But enough of my 2016 waffle, here is the full extract of the lyrics of my debut NewsRevue song from 1992:
♬ CALIFORNIA HERE I GO ♬
(To the tune of “California Here I Come” – but strictly no blackface when performing this please)
INTRO
When the calls for death start growing,
And guillotines are starting to fall;
That’s when I am westward going,
To the place that kills ’em best of all.
California, I’ve been blue,
I’ve not seen death since ’62;
I can’t wait ’till blood starts flowing,
Even now I’m starting to call:
CHORUS 1
California here I go,
See the Nightmare on Death Row;
Where killing, is thrilling, oohh what a gas,
San Quentin, is rentin’, programmes, seats and opera glass.
The show’s soon startin’, don’t be late,
Watch the bad guy meet his fate,
In a snuff movie by the State,
California here I go.
CHORUS 2 (More slowly – different singer?)
California, here I go – yeh,
Back and forth along death row;
You oughta, try slaughter by electric chair,
Say hello to gallows, gassing folks is not quite fair.
In remembering Chris Stanton, who died 9 March 2020, I refer to his masterful private performance of John Random’s superb 0898 song.
For those who don’t know what I’m talking about (and also for those who do), I’m pretty sure that John won’t mind me upping his lyric sheet for 0898 – click here.
And for those who are not sure what the tune might sound like, the following vid plays the best known version of the song, “Busy Line”, performed by Rose Murphy, upon which 0898 is based.
Please take my word for it that 0898 was traditionally delivered about 50% faster than Busy Line.
Originally submitted to Spitting Image, 9 or 10 February 1992, I subsequently submitted it to NewsRevue.
Anything that worked to “I Will Survive” was automatically on John Random’s prohibited list, I later discovered, but I did eventually get a version of the song into NewsRevue, perhaps as late as October 1993 but I think probably before that too.
You can’t keep a good lyric down, John; this one is, in my view, quite a good lyric.
The following version is e-dated April 1992, so the original Spitting Image one might be lost for all time, but I doubt if I really changed it between February and April – just a tiny tweak I suspect, otherwise I’d have saved it as a revised version:
MRS T
(sung by Maggie Thatcher to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
VERSE 1
At first I was afraid; (yes, even Mrs T),
Was scared of living out my life without publicity;
But then I spent so many nights just watching “Grey Man” droning on,
And I grew strong; and I learned how to get back on.
So now I’m back, from outta space,
To find that people know my voice and they still recognise my face.
I should have sacked the bleeding lot, I should have left the EEC,
If I had known for just one second that they’d end up sacking me.
CHORUS 1
Oh yes it’s me,
I’m on TV,
Even though it’s only Channel 4,
Or sometimes BSkyB,
But I’ve got interviews to give,
So while I still can breath and live,
I’m on TV,
I’m on TV.
VERSE 2
I tried to warn you, John, about the EMU,
But now I fail to understand what people see in you;
Cos then you took me to one side and whispered softly in my ear,
That it was better for the party if I quietly disappear.
So I went back, across the sea,
Where I had organised a Brussels photo-opportunity.
Yes I went straight up to the top, because I’m never one to tarry,
And I tried to head-butt Jacques Delors and kneecap Ray McSharry.
For any completists out there who are still reading, here is the October 1993 version which was adapted for some hoo-ha around Mrs T’s memoirs or something:
MRS T – AUTUMN 1993
(sung by Maggie Thatcher to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
VERSE 1
At first I was afraid; (yes, even Mrs T),
Was scared of living out my life without publicity;
But then I spent so many nights just watching “Grey Man” droning on,
That I grew strong; and I learned how to get back on.
So now I’m back, and out in print,
My memoirs will be a best seller so I’m going to make a mint.
They detail how I discharged Howe, because he backed the EEC,
I’ve been voracious for revenge since those dumb bastards ousted me.
CHORUS 1
Oh yes it’s me, literally,
You know my book has been reviewed on Channel 4 and BSkyB;
And I have memoirs left to write,
That dump John Major in the shite,
I will revive, I will reprise.
VERSE 2
I tried to warn the public that John Major’s thick,
And that those arseholes Clarke and Lawson used to make me sick;
But then the Tory party magnets whispered softly in my ear,
That it was better for the party if I quietly disappear.
So I went home and wrote my book,
And now those jerks who tried to gag me are deep in the shtook,
You see my memoirs have a knack of making everyone look silly,
And they ought to circulate more quickly than Dave Mellor’s willy.
CHORUS 2
So no more blues, my book’s reviewed,
Even tho’ it’s one of seven in the Finchley Evening News;
But I’ve more paragraphs to draft,
Cos half my cabinet was daft,
I will surmise, I will surprise, hey, hey.
(People in white coats lead her away, saying “there there” and “just slip your arms into this nice little jacket”)
One of my very early efforts at lyric writing was this lyric about the break-up of Yugoslavia. The original is dated 1 July 1991 – I’ll need to upload a scan of the printout for that exact lyric. The version that follows – version 2, was updated and extended for NewsRevue in 1992 in the very early days of my involvement there. I have a feeling that it was actually used in the show briefly in the late summer/early autumn of 1992. If not Paula Tappenden’s cast then the one after.
Or did John Random use it in one of his subsequent runs/shows?
Anyway, here’s version 2:
YUGOSLAVIA (Version 2)
(To the tune of “Istanbul not Constantinople”)
VERSE 1
Serbia is in Yugoslavia,
Now there’s Croatia and also Slovinia,
Plus there’s Bosnia and then Macedonia,
Two that I don’t know,
And Mon-te-neg-ro.
VERSE 2
Lets go back to old Yugoslavia,
No you can’t go, there is such a palava,
You may get shot up and never recover,
One day you’re in Bled,
Next day bled and dead.
TRITE MIDDLE BIT 1
Even tennis stars,
Our commentators fear;
They can’t say without a glitch,
Goran Ivanisovitch.
VERSE 3
Take a break out in Yugoslavia,
No I won’t go there, I think I would rather,
Go to Greece or maybe Czechoslovakia,
Why did poor Yugoslavia get the veto?
Cos they went all to pieces after Tito.
(Instrumental – with “do, do, do’s”, “wo, wo, wo’s” and outbursts of “Serbia”, “Croatia”, “Bosnia”, possibly accompanied by some suitably violent business)
TRITE MIDDLE BIT 2
Even tennis stars,
Have put their lives at risk,
Monica Seles groans and grunts,
Even she had death threats once.
VERSE 4
See a shrink if in Yugoslavia,
Cos the countries shrinking farther and farther,
I’d prefer to be in the Intefarda,
Why is poor Yugoslavia now the pits?
Cos the Serbs are a bunch of violent gits.
Please note that the above version was dated 5 July 1992 – also aimed to be topical for Wimbledon but more than a year before the actual murder attempt on Monica Seles’ life.
Below is a YouTube of The Four Lads singing Istanbul (not Constantinople)…
…or if you prefer the zappy They Might Be Giants version:
