Tag: Princess Diana

Dat’s Di, NewsRevue Lyric, Almost Certainly Unused, 8 August 1995

I’m not over impressed with this one. I wrote a few good Princess Di songs. This wasn’t one of them. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t used and the couple of half-decent ideas in here got reused elsewhere I’m sure.

One for the completist.

DAT’S DI
(To the Tune of “Habanera” from Carmen, or “Dat’s Love” from Carmen Jones)

INTRO

I can’t pick any man, even if he fancies me,
It can’t go that way, I am Princess Di,
So I have to cheat and lie.

VERSE 1

Love’s evaded my high class life,
Guess some would say I’ve been out of luck;
How would you like to be the wife,
Of a dull blatherer like my man Chuck?
One man gives me his diamond stud,
And I just pester him with mobile calls;
Next man likes rolling in the mud,
I like to fumble with his rugby balls.

CHORUS 1

Love’s evaded her high class life, {DI: that’s right}
Guess some would say she’s been out of luck {DI: that’s right}
But even while she was still Charles’s wife {DI: that’s right}
The bitch was partial to a casual fuck {DI: that’s lies}

VERSE 2

My love life is my own affair,
And my affairs are legion in this land;
So if I want some rugby player,
I think his wife should really understand.

CHORUS 2

CHORUS: Will Carling’s wife!
DI: Should get one too,
And if she hasn’t then she must be dumb,
CHORUS: Will Carling’s wife!
DI: Must get some new balls,
In this instance I have won the scrum.
Ole.
[Makes flamboyant gesture to one of the chorus. One of the others might comment “I bet she drinks Carling Black Label”]

This Carmen Jones number is a good one, though, you might enjoy the vid:

 

Calling On The Mobile Phone, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 September 1994

Actually, the version I am showing first below, which I think is the version that ran in the show for much of that autumn, is dated 12 October 1994 – adapted as the story unfolded.

The piece works better as a solo for Princess Diana I think – the original one (further down this page) was a duet.

Not sure if memory is playing tricks on me, but I think the wonderful Sarah Moyle did an especially good Princess Di for this one.

The first of my lyrics on this theme was written a couple of years earlier and had a reasonable run of its own in the show – click here.

CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE – HEWITT REMIX
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

VERSE 1 – DIANA

I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.

VERSE 2 – STILL DIANA

I get no answer so I’ll call up Major Hewitt,
I’ll take a chance and I am sure Winkie can do it,
We’d dine in France except I’m sure that I would spew it;

Oh he has a master nack,
I’ll kill Anna Pasternak,
I shall call that bastard back.

Be a nuisance with this mobile phone,
And I’ll sue them for this treasoned tome.

VERSE 3 – DIANA

I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.

And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,
Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,
You’d go under paying for this phone.

Here’s Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone with lyrics on the screen:

For the completists amongst us, here is the earlier version, based around a duet with Oliver Hoare rather than Di singing solo about James Hewitt:

CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE

(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

 

VERSE 1 – DIANA

 

I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,

I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,

I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

 

I’m just calling on this mobile phone,

Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.

 

VERSE 2 – OLIVER HOARE

 

Please don’t laugh at me just because my name is Hoare,

(I said don’t laugh)

Di calls me up and so I’m sure that I could score,

I’m pals with Charles but he looks less good in the raw;

 

Oh a bloody call again,

Guess that cow will bawl again,

Drives me up the wall again.

 

That’s why I traced Diana’s mobile phone,

And have disgraced Diana’s use of phones.

 

VERSE 3 – DIANA

 

I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,

Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,

I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.

 

And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,

Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,

You’d go under paying for this phone.

Parallel Lives, A NewsRevue Medley, 30 August 1992

I was clearly listening to Parallel Ines by Blondie in August 1992…

…and why not?

I wrote my “Picture Tits” lyric (about Sarah Ferguson) on 22 August and then my “Snooping On The Mobile Phone” (about Princess Diana) just over a week later.

It seemed that the princesses were leading parallel lives, so I tried combining the two into a medley…

…I’m not sure it was used. If it was used, it was only used for a week or two. Whereas “Snooping” was used on and off in various rewritten versions for years.

Anyway, for the completists amongst us (that’s probably just me) here is the medley lyric as published.

PARALLEL LIVES

(A medley based on Songs from “Parallel Lines”)

 

SNOOPING ON THE MOBILE PHONE (To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

 

VERSE 1 – DIANA

 

He’s on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,

I call James squidgy but my other words sound callous,

I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

 

Hope no-one’s snooping on his mobile phone,

Snooping on his mobile phone.

 

VERSE 2 – THE SNOOPER

 

I like to listen in on other’s conversation,

I am a banker so I know about inflation,

I intercept the lines and cause a press sensation;

 

That’s why I snoop on mobile telephones,

Snoop on mobile telephones.

 

PICTURE TITS (To the Tune of “Picture This”)

 

VERSE

 

NEWSHOUND:All I want is a picture of boobs;

A shot of Fergie, a nipple or two,

All I want is a picture of boobs;

Wo-oh-oh, wo-wo-wo.

 

FERGIE:All I want is financial advice,

John raises finance, I raise his vice,

What I get is a sensible price,

Oh-oh-oh, if I can…..

 

CHORUS

 

NEWSHOUND:Picture tits – with lenses and zoom tubes,

Picture tits – Fergie’s final boobs,

She’s got nothing to lose,

Since she jacked in Andrew’s,

Quiet life with his feet up reading Beano with a mug of hot cocoa;

FERGIE:Picture tits – and our peccadillos,

Picture tits – sucking ones big toes,

Johnny Bryan says he’s goanna sue,

He will instruct Carter-Ruck,

If the papers claim that we fuck – yeh.

Snooping On The Mobile Phone, NewsRevue Lyric, 30 August 1992

This lyric was my first attempt at Princess Diana and certainly wasn’t the last. In fact, I adapted this one a good few times over the years to address various Princess Diana news stories; not least a string of 1994 stories – click here.

Needless to say, the Princess Diana mirth industry stopped abruptly five years and one day later. But the mobile phone snooping did not stop in the late 1990s, no siree.

SNOOPING ON THE MOBILE PHONE

(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

 

VERSE 1 – DIANA

 

He’s on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,

I call James Squidgy but my other words sound callous,

I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

 

Hope no-one’s snooping on his mobile phone,

Hope no-one’s snooping on his mobile phone.

 

VERSE 2 – THE SNOOPER

 

I like to listen in on other’s conversation,

I am a banker so I know about inflation,

I sold the tapes and that has caused a press sensation;

 

Oh I hope they talk again,

Lots of dirty talk again,

That would raise my pork again.

 

That’s why I snoop on mobile telephones,

That’s why I snoop on mobile telephones.

 

VERSE 3 – FERGIE

 

I hate the fact Diana gets all the attention,

Since Squidgy hit the news I’ve hardly had a mention,

I’ll call some old boy friends to get back in contention;

 

As long as they have mobile telephones,

(They all have mobile telephones).

 

VERSE 4 – DIANA AGAIN

 

I gave Charles chances but that big eared fat head blew it,

Why don’t you ride me, Squidgy, we both want to do it,

Sorry, wrong number, James, I thought you were James Hewitt;

 

Just got my lines crossed on the mobile phones,

But either James will do,

{Oh-oh} and Gilbey’s car is new,

{Oh-oh} I’m sure I’ll cope with two,

{Oh-oh} or I could try a few,

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh for a screw.

I also tried combining the above lyric in a medley with the Sarah Ferguson lyric I wrote a week or so earlier – click here.

If you would like to see Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone, you can do that by clicking the embedded vid below:

A version of the above Blondie song with lyrics is embedded in the later versions of my “Calling On The Mobile Phone” lyrics – here.