Captain’s log…
Once again I found myself match managing for the Dedanists’ Society in Tony Friend’s absence. This year he tried to be more specific about the match report:
The readers will want a pie report. And make sure you tell them about the MVP.
In my first draft, I waxed lyrical about several performances, even mentioning my own, before unequivocally stating that Oliver Buckley, who played two excellent rubbers for the Hamsters, was clearly the “most valuable player” on the day.
Tony was not impressed:
What are you doing? MVP doesn’t stand for “most valuable player” in a pie report. It stands for “most viscous pie”. Tell ’em about the pies.
I needed to resort to gustatory memory and visual forensics
It was a tough choice. The dauphinoise potatoes need an honourable mention, as do the desserts, but they were none of them pies. On balance, the steak, mushroom and merlot was just a little more viscous than the chicken, ham and leek, but both were unquestionably delicious.
A huge thank you to Ian Hancock and Elwyn Hughes, who confessed to me when I arrived early and offered help, that they were “hosting virgins”, i.e. had neither of them hosted a match before. This would not have been obvious to most attendees. Nor to me at first, as the table was already laid at 9:30 am.
Then at 9:40, Lesley Ronaldson popped in and wondered why they hadn’t extended the table before laying it. I “helped” by photographing the ensuing refit.
At one point Lesley could be seen under the table, for reasons I couldn’t quite fathom. The next photo might have captured the moment that Ian & Elwyn realised that she was there.
Anyway, the point is, our hosts at RTC pulled off a blinder, as usual, providing wonderful hospitality for this convivial and enjoyable match.
There was also tennis, which, the results table below confirms, registered a 3.5/2.5 victory for the Hamsters.
But wait! Graeme Marks appeared for the Dedanists’ at 11:30 and then later for the Hamsters at 15:30. What confusion!
Many of us frequently find ourselves representing one team while also being qualified to represent the other. See the case of MCC v Dedanists’: [2025]. On such occasions, we might even find ourselves putting two shirts in our kit bag, unclear when setting off for the match which side we’ll end up representing. See the case Dedanists’ v MCC: [2020].
We even, very occasionally, find ourselves selected for a team for which we are not qualified, in order to help make the match-ups work. See Queen’s Club v The Dedanists’ Society: [2023].
Batting for both sides in the same match, though? Surely the Latin maxim “Nemo potest duobus dominis servire” – no-one can serve two masters – applies here. And if we scratch the two offending rubbers from the record, the match result looks oh-so different.
But wait! There is another Latin legal maxim: “Nemo iudex in sua causa” – no-one can judge their own case. So I suppose I must shut up with judgmental ramblings about the result, other than to say that the winner, as always, was real tennis, not least because a few hundred quid will find its way to The Dedanists’ Society coffers and then on to good causes.
Yet, I am still entitled to judge the MVP (most viscous pies):
Gold Pie: Steak, Mushroom & Merlot
Silver Pie: Chicken, Ham & Leek
And the other type of MVPs – i.e. most valuable pastry-cooks? Unquestionably Ian Hopkins & Elwyn Hughes. With thanks again for the warm and friendly hospitality in the fine tradition of Hamsters v Dedanists’ matches.
