Tag: Sarah Ferguson

I don’t think I thought all that highly of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess Of York. Here’s a lyric about her UN envoy role:

                                           FERGIE’S NO UN ENVOY

                                   (To the Tune of “She’s Always A Woman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
She can hunt with a gun,
She can ski every day;
She don’t half fuck around,
When she’s in St Tropez;
 
She can only write books for inane under threes;
She just wants to get rich, Fergie’s no UN envoy to me.
 
VERSE 2
 
She is haughty and proud,
She is not very brave, tho’;
She will go to Gorazde,
And to Sarajevo;
 
She will then sell her memoires for ginormous fees,
She’s a self centred bitch, Fergie’s no goodwill envoy to me.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
Oh – she took care of herself,
When she threw Andrew out,
He was not ready for;
 
Toes – that she put in her mouth,
When she gave her new man,
Sensual pedicures.
 
VERSE 3
 
She’s been spurned by the Queen,
So she’s not bloody goin’;
She won’t join that incompetent oaf,
David Owen;
 
She is undiplomatic,
But then so is he;
 
And the worst he can do,
Is split Kosovo too,
They should sack all these envoys swiftly.

Below is a video of Billy Joel singing She’s Always A Woman To Me with the lyrics on the screen:

I submitted a version Two three weeks later, substituting “Johnny Bryan” for “her mew man” in the middle eight. Not sure whether that was on request or just an attempt to make the lyric more useful/informative.

Heck, I was having a quiet weekend – it was the weekend between ossobuco with Janie and our first proper date.

There was a titillating royal story in the news: Sarah Ferguson and John “Johnny” Bryan (subsequently “explained” in this link).

Ironically, for me, just embarking on a relationship with a chiropodist, this was the toe sucking story.

I remember asking Janie soon afterwards whether the toe sucking saga was good for her business.

Janie said it was. Very good for business.

I don’t think this lyric was good for my lyric writing business; I don’t recall it being used, although it does have its moments.

I also tried combining the lyric in a medley with the Princess Diana lyric I wrote a week or so later – click here.

                                                              PICTURE TITS

(To the Tune of “Picture This”)

 

VERSE 1 – NEWSHOUNDS

 

NEWSHOUNDS:All I want is a picture of boobs,

A shot of Fergie, a nipple or two,

All I want is a picture of boobs;

Wo-oh-oh, wo-wo-wo.

 

NEWSHOUNDS:All I want is some photos in the Mirror,

Of Fergie and her financier with ‘er,

All I want is to fill the Mirror,

 

CHORUS 1 – FERGIE AND JOHN BRYAN

 

FERGIE & BRYAN:Picture tits – all over the papers,

Picture tits – and all of our capers;

FERGIE:Done in front of the kids,

I’d end up on the skids,

If it weren’t for my suites at Windsor, Buck House and Balmoral wo-oh-ho;

FERGIE & BRYAN:Picture tits – and our peccadillos,

Picture tits – sucking ones big toes,

Now the Sun is really selling news – oh yeh.

 

VERSE 2 – FERGIE & JOHN BRYAN

 

FERGIE:All I want is financial advice,

JOHN:You raise the finance, I’ll raise the vice,

FERGIE:All I want is some sugar and spice,

Oh-oh -oh,

If you can…..

 

CHORUS 2 – NEWSHOUNDS, FERGIE & JOHN BRYAN

 

NEWSHOUNDS:Picture tits – with lenses and zoom tubes,

Picture tits – Fergie’s final boobs,

She’s got nothing to lose,

Since she jacked in Andrew’s,

Quiet life with his feet up reading Beano with a mug of hot cocoa;

FERGIE:Picture tits – oh my God it’s vital,

Picture tits – I may lose my title,

Johnny Bryan says he’s goanna sue,

He will instruct Carter-Ruck,

If the papers claim that we fuck – yeh.

If you want to see Blondie singing Picture This, click below:

…and/or click this link for the Picture This lyrics.