Category: Writing (my writing)

I’m Not In Power, NewsRevue Lyric Unused, 16 July 1995

Too subtle, not really subtle, not funny enough…

…the suggestion that Michael Hestletine was bossing John Major…

…not sure.

I’M NOT IN POWER
(To the Tune of “I’m Not in Love”)

HEZZA: OK girls, lets get this enormous office set up and looking authoritative.

GIRLS: Yes sir, Mr Hestletine sir.

HEZZA: We’ll have the massive leather swivel chair over there, so the twenty foot by twelve foot portrait of my good self is right behind me, hold this a minute John.

MAJOR: Just a minute, Michael, who is the Prime Minister around here, you or me?

HEZZA: You are John, of course you are. We made a deal, remember. Girls, help me explain it to him.

VERSE 1

I’m not in power, and can’t forget it (pa da da da),
It’s just a silly phase Britain’s going through (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
And just because, It’s twice your size (pa da da da) {JOHN: The office, he means},
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’re on your way (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
I’m not in power, no no, you’re in charge.

VERSE 2

JOHN: I’m still the leader, but then again (pa da da da),
That doesn’t mean that I feel in control (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
HEZZA: Avoid the papers, don’t be afraid (pa da da da),
Don’t tell the press about the deal we’ve made (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
I’m not in charge, no no, so we’ve said.

MIDDLE EIGHT

JOHN: Ooohhh you’ll wait a long time to lead, ooohh you’ll wait a long time.
HEZZA: I can wait a long time to lead, I could wait a long time (winks at audience).

VERSE 3

HEZZA: I’ve put my portrait up on the wall (pa da da da)
It hides a messy picture hanging there (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
{JOHN: That’s my portrait you’ve covered up}
HEZZA: But don’t you ask me to take it down (pa da da da),
I know you know it doesn’t have significance (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
I’m not in charge {JOHN: You’re sure now?}
I’m not in power {JOHN: Oh, that’s alright then}
Why don’t you run along now, John? Have a few weeks off. I can run the shop without you for a while. Relax a bit, learn how to enjoy leisure time. You’ll have to get used to it sooner or later. (Pushes John offstage – blackout).

Here’s what I’m Not In Love by 10CC sounds and looks like:

I Can Sing A Rainbow Warrior, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 July 1995

The French did something outrageous to one of the Greenpeace Rainbow Warrior boats that summer, near New Zealand.

This lyric was my response. I think it was used in NewsRevue a few times.

I CAN SING A RAINBOW WARRIOR
(To the Tune of “I Can Sing A Rainbow”)
INTRO 1

TEACHER (ideally with a Kiwi accent) : Gather round children and I’ll teach you a little song:

CHORUS 1 – TEACHER

Red,
And yellow,
And pink,
And green;
Orange,
And purple,
And blue;
I can sing a rainbow,
Sing a rainbow,
Sing a rainbow too.
INTRO 2

TEACHER: Now Pierre and Jean-Claude, you try it.
CHORUS 2 – FRENCH BRATS

Raids,
And carnage,
And blood,
And guts;
Tear gas,
Commandos,
And guns;
We can seize a rainbow,
Seize a rainbow,
Rainbow Warrior Two.
OUTRO

TEACHER: These French are just so charming and cultured.

Try out this YouTube – the lyrics are in the text area underneath if you click through to see more of it:

 

Paula & Daryl Letter, NewsRevue Submission, 16 July 1995

Paula will be Paula Tappenden of course, but can I for the life of me remember Daryl’s surname? I have a mental picture of him, but no surname. I’m hoping that John Random spots this one and puts me right.

Update: John Random has given me the Boot – i.e. reminded me (on The Shit Of Araby lyric as it happens) that Daryl was, of course, named Daryl Boot. An excellent performer as well as director.

Usual blah blah about the neat table becoming a list because Amipro tables won’t convert.

Paula & Daryl
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 1995 RUN

Dear Paula & Daryl

Great to have you both back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you both soon.

Song Title / Original Title/ Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’m not in power / i’m not in love / 10cc – New

i can sing a rainbow warrior / NO RECORDING – SORRY – New

jimmy knapp / jimmy mack/martha & the vandellas – 1-3

sealed syphilis / sealed with a kiss/brian hyland – New

vanessa mae / enola gay / omd – 4-6

jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones – 4-6

crap tarantino man / son of a preacher man / dusty springfield – New

the shit of araby / the sheikh of araby / spike jones – New

posy band / perfect day / lou reed – New

Letter To Maggie, NewsRevue, 14 July 1995

I assume this was Maggie Danylewycz, who directed several times. Usual apologies for the shoddy looking list where the neat and tidy Amipro table used to be, but the facts about the submissions are all there to be seen. I think Maggie used a few of mine that year in Edinburgh.

No idea what her pricing problems were. Someone might know and chime in one day.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
EDINBURGH 1995 RUN

Dear Maggie

This starter pack consists mainly of songs which have been in the show and have a good chance of still being topical or becoming topical again for Edinburgh (e.g. VE Day stuff becomes VJ Day stuff). There are also one or two unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. I’ll send you brand new ones as I write them.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

I hope you have resolved your pricing problems; do let me know what you finally resolved. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers 7+

newt gingrich/moon river / danny williams New

privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle 7+

oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine 7+

have i the right? / have i the right? / honeycombs 4-6

bye bye barings / bye bye baby / bay city rollers 4-6

crap tarrantino man/son of a preacher man/dusty springfield New

the shit of araby/the sheik of araby/spike jones New

posy band perfect day/lou reed New

lilley the prick lilley the pink/scaffold New

side 2

ve day medley x 2 many ghastly ww2 songs sung badly by soldiers 4-6
vanessa mae / enola gay / omd 4-6
jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones 4-6

Fax To Ben Murphy Including Jumping Mick Jagger Lyric, 10 July 1995

Crumbs – Ben Murphy got a fax machine – I forgot all about this.

And indeed the Jagger lyric – I wonder whether Ben ever used it? I rather like it – and it is as topical today as it was in 1995 – perhaps even has improved with age.

 

Ben Murphy                     10 July 1995

(Wells address redacted)

Dear Ben

WELCOME TO THE 19th CENTURY

Yes, I mean 19th century: Empire, Queen Victoria, Elgar, rickets, starvation and antique second hand fax machines. I attach that Jagger song; I never got round to sending it snail mail but here it is faxwise. The paragraph below is the submission I have made through the Internet as sleeve notes for “Better Face” and “The Ultimate Love Song” which are appearing on a US student’s promo tape. No fee, but no charge to us either and he will be punting it to radio stations plus the nerd fraternity so who knows!!!

“Ben Murphy is an outstanding Irish comedy musician. Although he
lives and works mainly in Great Britain’s West Country (Somerset,
Devon, Cornwall), I first encountered Ben at a risky venue in
South-East London named “Up The Creek”. When acts die at Up The
Creek, the performers have actualy risked life and limb. Needless to
say, Ben not only survived but succeeded and a fine collaboration
was born. That was about three years ago. Since that time Ben has
produced three albums, “Cover of the Rolling Stone”, “I Want To Be
What I Was” and “Surfin’ In The UK”, all of which are laiden with
my material, some of Ben’s own work plus the work of many others.
This tape contains two products of our collaboration which have
been well received here in the UK, so we hope you like them. Ben is
a technophobe, but I am a gadget and net nut, so you can contact us
by telephone (44-171-243-0725), fax (44-171-229-2967), or e-mail
(zyenilh@zyenharri.win-uk.net). Enjoy.
Ian Harris”

If you want to change it, let me know and I’ll re-e-mail the guy. OK? Cool. (I’ve got to stop using these damned gadgets – the English goes to pot!!)

Cheers.
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Enc.

 

JUMPING MICK JAGGER
(To the Tune of “Jumping Jack Flash”)

(Much opportunity for posturing & prancing in a zimmer frame environment)

VERSE 1 – MICK

I was born in a cross-fire hurricane,
Now I’m bald and I use a zimmer frame.

CHORUS 1 – ALL THE STONES

Cos we’re all old now,
We’re well past our best,
Yes we’re all old,
And jumping Mick Jaggers days have past-past-past.

VERSE 2 – MICK

I was born back in 1943,
I still tour, but my nurse travels round with me.

CHORUS 2 – THE STONES

Cos we’re all worn out,
We’re old as the hills,
Yes we’re old now,
And jumping Mick Jagger pops Sanatogen pills.

VERSE 3 – MICK

Been around, had my pick of the chicks with ease (yeh yeh yeh),
Scores abound, with those bimbos on my knees (yeh yeh yeh),
Can’t recall all their names when ‘ere I please (no no no),
Can’t recall….must have Altzheimers disease (yeh yeh yeh)

CHORUS 3 – THE STONES

Cos we’re all old now,
We’re ancient as hell,
Yes we’re all old,
And jumping Mick Jagger doesn’t look very well.

OUTRO

Jumping Mick Jagger, staggers off, Jumping Mick Jagger, staggers off
(they all stagger off)

 

For those who want/need the sound and lyric of Jumping Jack Flash to enhance their enjoyment – here it is:

 

The Redwood Challenge, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 June 1995

Another Tory rebel lyric, this time about John Redwood. I really like this one, but I’m not sure it was used much, if at all. Hard to perform.

I have subsequently met John Redwood. While I would sometimes change my opinion on a person (e.g. the extent of their humourlessness) after meeting them, in this case I wouldn’t change a single word.

THE REDWOOD CHALLENGE
(To the Tune of “Whip Crack Away” with optional ejaculations by Mr Redwood)
VERSE 1

Oh the Redwood challenge’s comin’ on over the place,
He’s a right wing humourless Tory from outer space;
Don’t take a poke – he won’t get the joke
(REDWOOD: What joke?),
Whip John away, whip John away, whip John away.

VERSE 2

John Redwood’s tough on Europe and tough on crime,
Attilla The Hun with buckets of right wing slime;
Cane folk who mug – and seize cocaine drugs,
Whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away.
(REDWOOD: Is that meant to be funny?)

MIDDLE EIGHT

His challenge will be fought, I’d have thought,
For his right wing think tank;
And when at home alone he likes a quick wank.
(REDWOOD: Are you coves lampooning me?)

VERSE 3

John Redwood’s policies sound like a heap of shit,
Not takin’ the piss cos the bastard’s a humourless git;
(REDWOOD: Ha. That’s a joke. I think.)
Birch marks go septic – with this Eurosceptic,
Whip John again, whip John again, whip John again.

(REDWOOD: Could you repeat the line about cocaine please, I think I got the joke)

Seize more cocaine – that bad pun again,
Whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away.

(REDWOOD: No, I still don’t get it)

Whip John away!!!!! (Chorus drags Redwood off)

Here is a YouTube of Doris Day singing The Deadwood Stage, with the lyrics in the text area below the vid:

Hazy Crazy Mangosuthu Buthelezi, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 June 1995

I’m not sure whether this was ever performed, but I am sure that I credited Barry Grossman for his part in it. In those days, we writers would meet most weeks and occasionally divvy up ideas.

Zulu leader, Mangosuthu Buthelezi, was on an independence drive that summer…or, as the South Africans call months like June…winter.

Barry came up with the idea of “Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Mangosuthu Buthelezi Days…” but insisted that I use it, perhaps lacking confidence with lyric writing himself at that time or perhaps just busy that week, which was sometimes my reason for offering an idea to others.

That idea and my first pass at this was in the summer (or, as the South Africans like to call the month of August…winter) of 1993. The following, longer version was a remix.

I’m not sure if either version of the lyric was used. Still, I rather like the end result.

ROLL OUT THOSE HAZY CRAZY MANGOSUTHU BUTHELEZI BATTLES – SUMMER 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Lazy Days of Summer”)

CHORUS 1

Roll out those hazy crazy Buthelezi battles,
Those wars of Zulus, Incartha and fear;
Roll out that hazy crazy Buthelezi Natal,
Natal may be independent next year.

VERSE 1

He has a mad on against President Mandela,
Thinks that he’s sweller,
And more fit;
But when the votes were counted up by local tellers,
Not all Kwazulu wants to be led by that shit.

CHORUS 2

Roll out that hazy crazy Buthelezi bummer,
Winnie Mandela looks calm when compared;
That Buthelezi goes half crazy every summer,
Displays his weapon and can’t be impaired.

VERSE 2

He hates that ANC man Cyril Ramaphosa,
Say’s he’s a poser,
And a jerk;
And when he’s fighting in the townships like Tokoza,
He takes the F out of F.W. de Klerk.

CHORUS 3

Throw out that hazy crazy Buthelezi arsehole,
He’s making pacts with the Fascistic whites;
Just flush that shady Buthelezi down the plug hole,
And put an end to his quarrelsome fights;
Build understanding and more human rights.

Hear and see Nat King Cole sing Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer:

A Precise Letter To Robert Miles Regarding Vanessa-Mae, NewsRevue, 13 June 1995

Some attention to detail here, on my part, viz my Vanessa-Mae song.

They did use the song, but whether or not they corrected the mistake without further prompting I have no idea. The version I saved on my machine and have upped to Ogblog – here – was already corrected.

It seems I was unable to spell her name 100% right though – her hyphen is missing. Oh well.

Robert Miles                        13 June 1995
News Revue
Dear Robert

VANESSA MAE

Hope all is going well towards the new show.

I have just read that Vanessa Mae is in fact sixteen (not eighteen as stated in verse two of the song). As sixteen also scans and rhymes, please substitute correct age if you are going to use the song.

See you all shortly.
Cheers
Ian Harris

Vanessa-Mae, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 June 1995

This one did very well in NewsRevue. I’m not sure that the then teenager Vanessa-Mae deserved quite such harsh treatment, but life’s not always fair and by gosh did she strike gold as a star despite.

Writing in April 2017, I realise that this lyric wouldn’t need too much work to be topical and nasty about a certain prime minister…

…wouldn’t help/can’t be bothered.

VANESSA MAE
(To the Tune of “Enola Gay”)

VERSE 1

Vanessa Mae,
Prancing about just like an easy lay;
It’s such a sin,
The way you desecrate the violin.

That piece you slay,
I’d like to hear it done the proper way,
Oh, oh Vanessa Mae,
It’s such a fiddle with the crap you play.

INSTRUMENTAL 1

(Vanessa comically fiddles away at the instrumental bit of the tune)

VERSE 2

Vanessa Mae,
Why do they have to dress you up that way,
You pout and fawn,
As if your instrument is the French horn;

You’re just sixteen,
But heaven knows where on earth you’ve been,
I saw you pouting on the video,
Like an exponent of the pink oboe.

INSTRUMENTAL 2

(Vanessa even more comically fiddles away at the instrumental bit of the tune)

VERSE 3

Vanessa Mae,
Now JS Bach is turning in his grave,
Your awful goal,
Is scratching out Baroque and Roll;

Those ancient strains,
Sound like the soundtracks of computer games,
Vanessa Mae,
Just wish the stupid cow would go away, hey.

Here is Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark (OMD) singing Enola Gay, with lyrics on the screen. If you don’t like synthesised music, don’t click:

Sealed Syphilis, NewsRevue Lyric, 5 June 1995

Sexually Transmitted Infections don’t particularly lend themselves to comedy. I’m not sure this lyric breaks that rule either.

Still, it is a summer song – from June 1995. The version below was re-submitted (perhaps tweaked) in November 1995. I don;t think it was used then either.

SEALED SYPHILIS
(To the Tune of “Sealed With a Kiss”)
CHORUS 1

‘Tho’ we’re gonna get well laid for the summer,
Darling I promise you this;
I’ll give you all my love but I’ll wear a French letter,
So you won’t get Syphilis.

CHORUS 2

Yes it’s gonna be a gel coated rubber,
And I’ll fill its emptiness;
I’ll give you my pork sword, but I’ll wear a French letter,
Cos it hurts me when I piss.

MIDDLE EIGHT

You won’t get any herpes,
I’ll spare your parts from my Trich;
We’ll catch the germs in my clap trap,
And darling you’ll miss the Itch.

CHORUS 3

I don’t wanna wear this cold, lonely rubber,
Knowing the love I’ll miss;
So let me make a pledge to clean up my member,
No more urithritis.

CHORUS 4

Yes its gonna be a cold lonely rubber,
But I’ll fill it none the less;
And I shall soon attend the STD clinic,
And clear my syphilis,
And have a painless piss.

Here’s Brian Hyland singing Sealed With A Kiss, with lyrics on the screen: