The Maxwell trial. Big news in 1995. Not sure if this lyric was used, but for sure the story featured in the show.
“OH MY ” – PAPA
(To the Tune of “Oh My Papa”)
And now we go over to the Old Bailey, where Ian and Kevin Maxwell are about to sing the case for the defence.
VERSE 1
Oh my papa, to me he was so wonderful,
Oh my papa, Bob Maxwell was his name;
No one could be, so bent and so corruptible,
Oh my papa, he’s left his folks with shame.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Gone are the days,
When he would rape his pension funds,
And with a smile,
He’d change his bucks to bad debts.
VERSE 2
Oh my papa, so fat and so detestable,
Always spoke loud and treated staff like slaves;
Oh my papa, he made our lives so comfortable,
Here in the dock I wish he’d gone away.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
Gone are the days,
When he would take me on his yacht,
With just one leap,
He dumped his sons up shit creek.
VERSE 3
Oh my papa to pensioners so criminal,
I’m in my cell while he burns deep in hell;
Oh my papa, oh my papa.
Usual blah blah about neat letter with table that won’t translate from Amipro properly…
Robert Miles
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JUNE-JULY 1995 RUN
Dear Robert
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show, previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
“oh my” papa / oh my papa/eddie fisher – New
i’m not sure / are you sure/the allisons – New
sealed syphilis / sealed with a kiss/brian hyland – New
sunbed / sunny/bobby hebb – 1-3
i’ll never find another job / i’ll never find another you/seekers – 4-6
jimmy knapp / jimmy mack/martha & the vandellas – 1-3
rugby love / puppy love/paul anka – New
matchinner, matchwinner / matchmaker, matchmaker/fiddler on the roof – New
we’re in the mood for grafting / i’m in the mood for dancing/nolans
– no recording, sorry – New
John Major was thought to dither over his cabinet reshuffles.
I’m not sure whether or not this lyric was ever used; probably not.
I’M NOT SURE
(To the Tune of “Are You Sure”)
VERSE 1
MAJOR: Goodbye, farewell, I’m not sure what to do!!
Virginia sucks, but all the rest suck too!
VIRGINIA: Are you sure you’ll treat me rottenly,
MAJOR: Stop your whinging, Virginia Bottomley,
VIRGINIA: Sacked unless John Major’s gotten cold feet again.
VERSE 2
VIRGINIA: Now are you sure that you want this kerfuffle?
That you won’t grieve if you botch this reshuffle.
MAJOR: You will see that I’m not cowardly,
I’ll get rid of that Michael Howard, he
Gaffed again, the media showered me with his crap.
VERSE 3
MAJOR: Goodbye, farewell, I’m not sure who to sack,
So long, au revoire, or just rejig the pack.
VIRGINIA: Are you sure you will be sacking me,
Come tomorrow you’ll be backing me,
To the hilt until you’re stabbing my back again.
VERSE 4
VIRGINIA: Just stop and think, it’s you’re decision now,
For you’re the one who chose us anyhow;
MAJOR: You’ll be sorry wait and see,
There is bags of choice for me,
Gerry Wiggins or Jerry Hanley,
Oh my God!!!!!
VERSE 5
VIRGINIA: Goodbye farewell I think that I’ll resign,
MAJOR: But Ginny, stay, you’re working out just fine;
VIRGINIA: Are you sure you won’t reshuffle me?
Come tomorrow, you won’t suffer me,
MAJOR: One fine day, I’ll get tough on thee – (but) not just yet.
Are You Sure by the Allisons sounded like this in the 1961 Eurovision Song Contest:
Sometimes I tweaked and resubmitted lyrics because the song was being used and needed updating. Sometimes I tweaked in an attempt to get a song used. This was the latter. Unsuccessfully, I am pretty sure. July version below the vid.
WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry: the Nolans.
CHORUS 1
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
We do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
We’ve all been caught out today.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood;
Rafting rafting,
We’re also crude;
Shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed,
Die laughing.
CHORUS 2
We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
With cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
We’ve even ripped off this song.
(Enter policeman)
POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?
NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)
POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.
(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)
POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me entrance fee to the Masons.
Below are my tweaked July 1995 lyrics:
WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry into standards in public life: the Nolans.
CHORUS 1
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-h-h-ooh-ooh,
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
Oooh – we do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
Oooh – we’ve all been caught out today.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood, Tories, rack up director’s pay;
Oooh – shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed, lately, so underneath the carpet this must stay.
CHORUS 2
We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
Oooh – with cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
But you’ll never find, backshish that’s gone;
But MP’s don’t mind, we’ve even ripped off this song.
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh…………
(Enter policeman)
POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?
NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)
POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.
(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)
POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me admission fee to the local Masonic lodge.
It fails rather a lot of PC tests on rereading; race, sex, socio-economic group…oh dear.
I do still like the fake rhyme with Kharach-ee. That made me smile.
MATCHWINNER, MATCHWINNER
(To the Tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”)
MRS GOLDSMITH: Matchmaker, matchmaker make her a match,
Find one who’s rich, and up to scratch,
Stockbroker, fundstrader, someone with spunk,
Jemima would like to hatch.
JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, you are my match,
You, Imran Khan, came on my patch;
Matchwinner matchwinner, though you may come,
From Pakistan’s town Kharach…..
MRS GOLDSMITH: (…ee) Jemima make him a scholar,
JEMIMA: But scholars say that we should not wed;
MRS GOLDSMITH: Perhaps I can bake him a challa, (pronounced with a germanic “ch” followed by “olar” as in “scholar”)
JEMIMA: My Imran don’t dig on that kind of bread.
JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, crickets your game,
If we have sons, they’ll have your name;
And play for England if they choose the same,
BOTH: So paparazzi,
Muse on this truth,
Jemima might be,
One English youth,
Who’s able to hold her catch.
Here is Matchmaker Matchmaker from the film of Fiddler:
I don’t think Ben recorded either of my suggestions from this letter; he might have used one or both live.
I might try “Hanging Around” on the baritone ukulele; I still love that song.
Ben Murphy 14 May 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
THAT TAPE / THOSE TAPES
I enclose a tape with the Free Nelson Mandela song on it for your greatest hits. I still think it should be short and sharp:
Thirty one years in captivity,
In most unholy matrimony,
Are you so blind that you cannot see,
That she’s so fat she can hardly breathe;
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie,
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie).
etc.
I have also taped Hanging Around by Lou Reed which I think you could do really well “straight” – see what you think.
Those back catalogue tapes arrived towards the end of last week; ten of each, many thanks. I can now fulfil the transatlantic sample orders – don’t hold your breath. There were no inlay cards with the tapes, which is a bit of a shame. Is that because there are none left or just an oversight? If you have any left, please send them to me ASAP as I do think presentation helps, especially with our US friends.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Enc.
If you have an urge to hear and see the lyrics to Free Nelson Mandela:
…and if you cannot resist the urge to hear Hanging Around by Lou Reed:
The following quickie formed part of a medley – well in the end several different medleys, but initially a VE Day Labour medley – click here.
But I’m writing this up today, 20 March 2017, on Vera Lynn’s 100th birthday.
It is strange re-reading this quickie today.
At the time, 1995, when Vera Lynn was a sprightly 78 year old, I think it was funny and it certainly went down very well. It was used/reused many times in NewsRevue – the VE Day and general 50th anniversary of the war ending stories ran and ran in the news and this was ideal material for that.
But now that Vera Lynn is 100, the song no longer has the same humour to it. Usually the passage of time makes material easier to laugh about, but in this case, the passage of time has the opposite effect.
Still, imagine the 50th anniversary of VE day; imagine wall-to-wall Vera Lynn on the radio and TV and you should still get the jokes.
Wheel Vera Lynn, out again, what a din,
Yes they’ll wheel out Vera Lynn despite her years;
Keeps crooning through, although she’s ninety two,
But they wheel out Vera Lynn to raise the tears.
That Vera still bangs the drum, for a six figure sum,
She will sing you a song;
You’ll be moved and be charmed, even ‘tho’ she’s embalmed
And her talent’s all gone.
Wheel Vera Lynn, out again, what a din,
And they’ll wheel out Vera Lynn each fifty years.
Ben Murphy used it on one of his albums – a wonderful rendition at the end of a medley, which included my VE Day Labour Medley – click here – and some of his own material.
I credited this VE Day celebrations medley to “cast” as well as me, so I must have spent some time consulting with the cast over their wishes. In my view, this was mostly padding for the Wheel Vera Lynn song – click here or below.
VOICEOVER: And now we join another relic of a byegone era: one of the many street parties celebrating VE Day.
THE STREET PARTIES OF DOVER (To the tune of “The White Cliffs of Dover”)
There’ll be no Krauts over, The white cliffs of Dover, Cos they’re not invited to VE; There’ll be Frogs and Yankees, And street parties, frankly, We’re all bored with this Jubilee.
SPAM FRITTERS SPAM (To the tune of “Run Rabbit Run”)
Spam fritters, spam fritters, spam, spam, spam, This VE day stuff’s a sham, sham, sham; Bang, bang, bang, that war nostalgia drum, And stuff powdered egg in your tum, tum, tum.
WE’LL HAVE TUMMY ACHE TOMORROW (To the tune of “It’s a Lovely Day Tomorrow”)
We’ll have tummy ache tomorrow, Tomorrow all our guts will drag; There’ll be pancrititis and gastro-enteritis, Tomorrow we’ll have urine bags.
The Ben Murphy medley adapts the above material so much I think we can only claim it to have been “inspired by”, but he does a great job with the VE Labour items – click here for the Ogblog of those and of course Wheel Vera Lynn.
In case there’s anyone who doesn’t recognise the original numbers, here are some YouTubes with lyrics.
Strangely, the following year I re-presented the medley 1 May 1996 as a 1996 local election remix – it is marked Version 2 but I cannot see much if any the difference:
LABOUR DAY – LOCAL ELECTIONS 1996 REMIX (A medley to various World War Two tunes)
IN THE LOCAL COUNCIL POLLS (To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)
There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square, In the polls, in the polls; There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where, In the local council polls. My eyes are dim I cannot see, A single Tory victory, I can’t see one Tory victory.
EASE UP GORDON BROWN (To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)
Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown, Labour councils won the rout, Chucked a load of Tories out; All you do is grimace, All you do is frown, Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up, Ease up Gordon Brown.
ROLL OUT THE TORIES (To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)
Roll out the Tories, See what the Tories have done; Roll out the Tories, We’ve got those Blues on the run; Read lots of stories, About their former careers; Its sex and cash and arms with Tories, But now it’s Labour’s year!!
Then 29 June 1997, I wrote another “variant”, barely distinguishable from the first version:
LABOUR DAY – 1997 ELECTION REMIX (A medley to various World War Two tunes)
IN THE OLD OPINION POLLS (To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)
There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square, In the polls, in the polls; There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where, In the old opinion polls. My eyes are dim I cannot see, A single Tory victory, I can’t see one Tory victory.
EASE UP GORDON BROWN (To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)
Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown, Labour party’s done the rout, Chucked the bleedin’ Tories out; All you do is grimace, All you do is frown, Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up, Ease up Gordon Brown.
ROLL OUT THE TORIES (To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)
Roll out the Tories, See what the Tories have done; Roll out the Tories, We’ve got those Blues on the run; Read lots of stories, About their former careers; Its sex and cash and arms with Tories, But now New Labour’s here!!
I must have been very confident that Labour was going to rout the Tories in the 1995 local elections. I wrote the following medley two weeks before polling day (4 May 1995) and didn’t change a word afterwards.
This stuff ran for months in the show and I think might well have made it to Edinburgh and Christmas special status too.
VE (VICTORY IN ELECTIONS) DAY MEDLEY – LOCAL ELECTIONS
(A medley to various World War Two tunes)
VOICEOVER: And now we go across to Walworth Road in Southwark where the Labour party are holding a street party to celebrate VE Day (Victory in Elections Day)
IN THE LOCAL COUNCIL POLLS
(To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)
There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square,
In the polls, in the polls;
There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where,
In the local council polls.
My eyes are dim I cannot see,
A single Tory victory,
I can’t see one Tory victory.
EASE UP GORDON BROWN
(To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)
Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown,
Labour councils won the rout,
Chucked a load of Tories out;
All you do is grimace,
All you do is frown,
Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up,
Ease up Gordon Brown.
ROLL OUT THE TORIES
(To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)
Roll out the Tories,
See what the Tories have done;
Roll out the Tories,
We’ve got those Blues on the run;
Read lots of stories,
About their former careers;
Its sex and cash and arms with Tories,
But now it’s Labour’s year!!
Ben Murphy recorded the above medley, along with some of his own material and including a wonderful version of the Wheel Vera Lynn song:
Just in case any Ogblog readers are unfamiliar with the original words and tunes for these Second World War classics, here are some YouTube links:
Be patient with Roll Out The Barrel: the song/lyrics don’t appear until about 1:20 into the following recording.
I think this artefact speaks for itself. All of the lyrics listed are up or will go up in the fullness of time.
Amipro tables don’t convert into anything, so I have tried to turn the nice neat table thingie into a legible list. Best efforts blah blah.
Denise Thomson/Orita
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
APRIL-MAY 1995 RUN
Dear Denise
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show but mainly previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
the shit of araby/the sheik of araby/spike jones – New
