Frank Dillon: “It wasn’t just me, it was also them”
In 1983, the humorous publishing “mode du jour” was The Complete Naff Guide:
Purportedly by three authors, it was in fact written almost exclusively by William Donaldson, who was better known as Henry Root. I read the Henry Root Letters books earlier than 1983 in my time at Keele and found them laugh-out-loud funny. I still treasure my copies of those.
Perhaps it was those Henry Root book covers that inspired The Price Of Fish…
…but I digress.
The point is, Frank Dillon and others decided to put together a spoof of The Complete Naff Guide, in the form of a booklet, which was given away with Concourse. It caused a bit of a flurry, because it was, to Keele students at the time, very funny.
Indeed, at the time I recall thinking that the Keele “Naff” Guide was, to my mind, a lot funnier than the real thing. Returning to both recently, my view has, if anything, hardened on this. The Complete Naff Guide seems terribly dated and riddled with in-jokes directed at particular media people of that era, presumably those who were not on William Donaldson’s Christmas card list. I suspect that rather a lot of well-known people were not on Christmas card terms with Donaldson.
As for the Keele “Naff” Guide, while some jokes are dated, chunks of it remain funny and probably relevant. I think many of the jokes will resonate with Keele alums and students throughout the ages.
You can judge for yourselves and let us know what you think. Here, with Frank Dillon’s permission, I republish it in full. All 20 pages of it.
Frank says the following:
I did write at least some of it, but can’t take credit (or blame) for the whole thing, though the idea that I had “friends” will come as a shock to many.
I suspect that the harsher observations contained therein would not evade the blue pencil of 21st-century mores, so apologies to those who might have been offended (and are yet to be so, upon re-publication).
I echo the last sentence of Frank’s message, but suggest that you would need to be super-sensitive to be offended by any of the content, as long as you read it in its context: a 1983 comedic piece. The first item in the list of “Naff Records To Request At the Disco”, for example, reads like a cruel joke today, in late May 2023, whereas it was, at the time, a reference to a record that didn’t need to be requested, because it was almost always played at union discos and/or on the main bar jukebox!
Returning to the Keele “Naff” Guide…
…you can view the document two ways. I have uploaded all 20 images to Flickr, which is perhaps more navigable (or at least makes it easier to enlarge the pages) – the first link below is the cover, clicking on that one takes you to Flickr. Below that are the other 19 images shown within this piece – each one is clickable if you want to delve deeper or larger into that one page.
In the spring of 1983, one of the “big hit” comedy books that captivated the young (and young at heart) was The Complete Naff Guide.
Available second hand – click image if you wish
Not long after, there emerged a short publication at Keele named The Keele “Naff” Guide. It is attributed to Adrian Bore and Daphne Canard, but is actually the work of Frank Dillon, with a little help from his friends. I plan to e-publish the “tome” for the May Bank Holiday weekend 2023. Watch this space.
Point is, on the short list of Naff Union Positions gracing the back cover of the Keele “Naff” Guide, Chairperson Of Constitutional Committee does stand out as being quintessentially naff.
How Frank himself, with a little help from his friends, persuaded me to run for that position in the spring of 1983, is one of life’s mysteries that would probably best remain unsolved. But I’m going to try and solve it anyway.
I have mentioned before the shenanigans around several union elections in 1982 and 1983, largely caused by the Tory faction deliberately trying to game flaws and loopholes in the election rules in an attempt to disrupt the smooth running of the union.
In May 1983 my memory would still have been fresh with the (in my case literally sickening) shenanigans that February – click here or below:
Yes, I was on Constitutional Committee (which was also Election Appeals Committee) that year. Yes, I suppose I was seen as one of the good guys. Yes, only one person had put their name forward for the 1983/84 role – Adam Fairholme, who was a Conservative, albeit from a benign corner of that grouping.
I think it was a small posse that ganged up on me and persuaded me to run. I’m pretty sure that Frank Dillon himself was part of that posse. Also Vincent Beasley. I have a feeling that Genaro Castaldo (he who pleaded me away from my sick bed when things went awry in February) and possibly also Viv Robinson (who had been elected to succeed Genaro) leant on me.
I said I didn’t really want to do it. I said I had no time to put together a manifesto and contest the election. I said it was better that they find someone else.
Just do whatever you can. We think you’ll win the election anyway.
I sat in the Main Bar and wrote a few lines in large block capitals on a side of A4 paper. I wish I still had that scribbled-so-called-manifesto to show you. It was so sloppy and shoddy that, I recall, Viv Robinson and I subsequently used it in a guidance note to people who wanted to run for elections in 1983/84 as an example of what NOT to do.
It included my name writ large with a large cross in a box top and bottom. I recall that I pledged to
uphold the spirit and the letter of the constitution
explain constitutional matters in ways that would help and encourage students to participate in the union
seek to revise the constitution to block the loopholes that had recently been exploited to frustrate the union’s purposes.
In fairness to myself, despite the brevity of the pledges and shoddy presentation, I did see through those pledges to the best of my ability during 1983/84.
Having signed my nomination papers and deposited my scrappy piece of hand-written A4 purporting to be a manifesto, I then went back to Shelton for much of the next week, returning to the campus just for classes, a bit of private study and some infeasibly long tennis matches with Alan “The Great Yorkshire Pudding” Gorman. I don’t think I went to the union again until election day.
I’m pretty sure that my diary entry on 6 May which reads, in part “union for a while” reflects the above.
Friday 13 May 1983 – Busyish day – classes etc. – election for const. comm. – won – went to Shelton- had 1st drink (or 2) there.
I think I won the election on a small turnout but a significant percentage. Something like 120 to 80. I recall that Adam Fairholme was bitterly disappointed not to be elected; I think he campaigned quite hard and fancied his chances against an all-but-absentee candidate. Actually Adam was a good bloke and we became friends, albeit not close friends. I’ll write more about him and his demise come the 40th anniversary of that tragedy.
“1st drink (or 2)” relates to the fact that I had been completely off the sauce since February on the back of doctors orders due to my glandular fever (infectious mononucleosis). In May, Dr Scott told me that my “six month ban” could be reduced to “three months” for good behaviour, as I really hadn’t touched a drop.
But did I have the constitution for it?
Saturday 14 May 1983 – Rose quite early – came back to Keele for a while – dress and tennis – went back to Shelton – drag at party – not too pleasant – v late night.
I only very vaguely remember this party but I’m guessing it was some sort of costume party involving drag (they were an arty crowd, Liza’s North Staffs Poly crowd – I suppose that’s what you get when you study art). I don’t think I enjoyed it much, based on my diary entry.
Sunday 15 1983 – decadent day in bed – talking etc. – v pleasant – felt v ill – temp up – both [me and Liza] came back to Keele.
Even at the age of 20, I think its clear that I preferred smaller gatherings of friends/people I knew and liked, to big parties – regardless of costumes or lack thereof.
Even clearer is the fact that I did not yet have the constitution for drinking again. I voluntarily stayed off the sauce for quite a while longer. While my body didn’t tell me that three to four hour tennis matches might be overdoing it, it did tell me that one or two drinks was still one or two too many for my post-virus constitution.
…I was also spending an inordinate amount of time too-ing and fro-ing between my Barnes flat at Keele and Liza O’Connor’s new digs in Rectory Road, Shelton, where she had taken up residence with her North Staffordshire Polytechnic (aka North Staffs Poly aka NSP) friends Mike and Mandy.
I Would Like, If I May, To Take You On A Strange Journey…
I’ll translate the first three entries:
Monday 2 May 1983 – Rose quite late – came back [from Shelton] to Keele. Did some work etc.
Tuesday 3 May 1983 – Busy day – worked on criminology essay – shopped – played tennis [with Alan Gorman] for a while [clearly not a “proper” five setter]. Hard work.
Wednesday 4 May 1983 – Rose quite early – had quite a lot to do – did some work – Liza came over – went walk – went to Shelton – did work.
I very much enjoyed, as part of my law degree, the criminology course, taught by Pat Carlen and the late, lamented Mike Collinson. I cannot remember exactly what that essay was about, but I do remember being especially interested in the notion that convicted criminals tend to be severely stigmatised by society, such that they often have few alternatives to recidivism, thus returning to crime. I was particularly taken by Erving Goffman’s book Stigma, and also his book Asylums, which was about institutionalisation, which affects prisoners as well as those incarcerated on mental health grounds. I’ll guess that the essay was about that sort of thing.
I am not, by the way, suggesting that the journey between Shelton & Keele was a strange journey, nor that Liza and I were even faintly Brad and Janet:
Divesting Myself Of J-Soc Responsibilities, but…
Thursday 5 May 1983 – Rose quite early – Bakery -> Keele – classes etc – got ready for J-Soc [Jewish Society] AGM tonight – Melina [Goldberg – an old friend from BBYO who must have been a regional Jewish student bigwig by then] came – Liza also – Meal after – L stayed.
The bakery bit must have been items for the after AGM meal. The positive change I think made in my reluctant year as J-Soc Chair was to make food and interaction with other cultural societies central to our purpose.
I’m not sure what Melina made of our secular, diverse set up at Keele, but I’m fairly sure I didn’t see her again after that evening, so she was possibly less than impressed.
I remember being much relieved to be rid of the J-Soc Chair role, but was soon to be grabbed for a bigger, Students’ Union role. I’ll explain that in the next article, when reporting how the matter was determined.
Bell And Bear And Tootsie
Friday 6 May 1983 – Rose late – went to classes – union for a while -> Shelton. Saw Tootsie [a Dustin Hoffman movie which I think had just been released in the UK] in afternoon – went to Bell and Bear in evening.
(Saturday and Sunday just describes a bit more too-ing and fro-ing twixt Sheton & Barnes)
I don’t remember the Bell and Bear all that well. I asked Simon Jacobs this morning (exactly 40 years after that diary mention, I now realise) if he remembered the place and he did not.
I’m pretty sure it was mostly frequented by North Staffs Poly students, as that area was very much an NSP student part of town.
At that time I was still off the sauce, as part of my recuperation from glandular fever. I’m pretty sure the lemonade and similar drinks in the Bell and Bear were, compared with Keele Students’ Union, similarly priced and similarly awful. I believe the beer was less awful than the SU beer at that time.
Based on this web entry, The Bell & Bear was refurbished in the 1980s which might have been the cause of its popularity with the NSP students – there were lots of grungy pubs to choose from.
I have collaborated with Dall-E 2 to produce this and the following images in this piece.
..one of the great benefits, to me, from securing a front-facing Barnes flat for 1982/83 (Barnes L54) was the view across the playing fields to the tennis courts.
My plans to spend a fair amount of the spring and summer of 1983 on the tennis court seemed to have been thwarted by my debilitating indisposition with glandular fever in February, but still, I recall, Alan “The Great Yorkshire Pudding” Gorman and I had agreed to bring tennis rackets back from our Easter breaks as we intended to do battle with each other on the tennis court.
Neither Connors nor McEnroe would have seemed more brattish than Pudding or Harris
I was religiously exercising to try to strengthen up a bit, following the dreaded glandular fever, using a Royal Canadian Air Force Exercises book I had procured, for a few pence, a couple of years earlier (soon after I knacked my back) at the Students’ Union Book Fair:
Now a rare book, that 1964 edition. I should still have mine somewhere; ironically out of reach
…but should specifically apologise to the residents of L51, especially whosoever was unfortunate enough to dwell directly underneath me, for the “thud thud thud” of those exercises. I also apologise unequivocally to my spine, for I am now reliably informed that those “space cadet style” Royal Canadian Air Force Exercise Plans were not intended for the likes of me and my back.
Anyway, I remember asking Dr Scott, towards the end of the Easter recess, as the weather started to improve, about the possibility of me playing tennis.
“Good idea”, said Scotty. “Outdoor exercise like tennis, in moderation, should work well for you.”
“What comprises moderation, Scotty? How long might I play for?”
“Your body will tell you”, said Scotty.
So, before Pudding’s return to Keele, I started my preparations, seeking some warm up games with anyone who was around.
Tuesday 12 April 1983 – …went to Mike and Mandy’s for dinner and haircut…
Wednesday 13 April 1983 Did a little work today – played tennis in afternoon with Veera & Debbie…
You won’t see many mentions of hair cuts in my diaries. Mike had been a hairdresser before he went to North Staffs Poly and I recall Liza insisting that he cut my hair. I would normally resist, but clearly I was seeking some vital streamlining for the tennis to come.
Veera & Debbie were my neighbours from Barnes L52. I don’t think they were particularly sporty but were happy to have a go with me in the interests of my physical wellbeing. I think Debbie was a bit better and keener on tennis than Veera.
Thursday 14 April 1983 – …went out for meal at Mil????/ with Liza…
Friday 15 April 1983 – …played tennis with Hamzah [my flatmate] Yazzid & Bai [Malay guys from Barnes Q92]…
I cannot read my own handwriting on the name of that restaurant/cafe on the Thursday. Mildred’s? A “proper” game of doubles with the South-East Asian contingent on the Friday. Yazzid & Bai were quite sporty. Hamzah wasn’t.
Most of that gang no doubt imagined Vitas Gerulaitis to be a Latin term for glandular fever
Sunday 17 April 1983 …tennis with Debbie…
Yes, I recalled correctly that Debbie was keener and probably a tad better than my other friends and neighbours, all of whom were great fun to play tennis with, regardless of the quality of the tennis. Mine was probably pretty shoddy at that time anyway.
Tuesday 19 April …played tennis with Hamzah…
Thursday 21 April …got economics result…53% v pleased…played tennis for 4 hours…
Saturday 23 April …played tennis in afternoon (poor) & then went to Liza’s new place
The intriguing thing about these postings is that I mention the opponent in every posting except the last two, which were, of course, matches played with (against) Alan Gorman.
It seems I had established my intention, to play this game with Alan, so clearly in my mind, that I didn’t need to mention who I was playing against when the opponent was Alan. Obviously it was Alan.
Alan and I might have looked a bit like this
Less obviously, my definition of “moderation” and “letting my body tell me” extended to a four hour marathon match that first time we played each other. It established a tradition which we implemented with more fervour the following year – that we would battle a best of five sets to the bitter end – an indulgence that I simply cannot imagine (at least in the matter of singles) any more.
No wonder I was “poor” a couple of days later.
I mentioned my economics result in the diary. I wouldn’t be “v pleased” with 53% for economics these days – only gold medals will do – but having been so poorly and having missed so much class, I remember Peter Lawrence encouraging me to sit the mock exam without much expectation of a pass, hence he (and I) thought that result pleasing in the circumstances.
As a footnote – we would often see Economics department folk – not least Peter himself and Professor & Mrs Fishman – on the tennis courts. Not many academics (or students) used them, but they did. I’ll have more to say on that when I write up 1984. But some readers might be surprised/fascinated to learn that Professor Fishman’s grand-daughter, Leo, worked for my firm for a number of years. Despite Leo being a tennis neophyte, she successfully won our mini-tournament in 2010:
That first season of it, my play was interrupted in part by my spending lots of time with Liza at Rectory Road, Shelton, where she now resided with her North Staffs Poly pals.
Also by some waves of indisposition as a result of glandular fever relapses, which probably were exacerbated by four hour tennis marathons – who knew?
Tuesday 26 April 1983 …played tennis for a while…
Friday 29 April – …played tennis…
Sunday 1 May – …not v well today went back to Shelton…
Footnote – A Clarification From Professor Lawrence
In response to me sending him a link to this piece, Peter Lawrence sent the following clarification about the professorial tennis:
You did indeed see me on the courts usually playing my then wife. I remember seeing Les Fishman on the courts but never his wife Ellie. Les usually played with the wife of someone in Maths whose name will come back to me after I have sent this email. Not sure who made up the four, probably the maths guy to keep an eye on his wife maybe but who else I remember not.
Not only were the academics keeping an eye on each other and each other’s wives, but they were, at times, keeping an eye on me. On more than one occasion, that spring and especially the following one, my finals year, either Les or Peter commented to that I seemed to be spending a lot of time on the tennis court just ahead of my exams. I no doubt demurred with a “healthy body, healthy mind” type comment, but they did have a point.
