Steroids, NewsRevue Lyric, 25 July 1992

It was the Barcelona Olympics that summer and I thought the event needed the drugs treatment…

…as it were.

I remember Jonathan Linsley bellowing “Barcelona” at the end of the first line, to give the piece a topical feel, because it is, in truth, generic.

Still, it ran for several weeks and could run again. All it would need is a metaphorical shot in the arm.

STEROIDS

(To the Tune of “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself”)

VERSE 1 – GIRL ATHLETE

I just don’t know what I’ve done to myself,

Don’t know just what I’ve done to my health;

Used to be soprano, now I’m baritone,

Once svelte, now I’m fourteen stone,

And chilled to the bone.

I can throw far and run like a shot,

Cos I’m built like a jet Aeroflot;

Where I once had bosoms, now I’ve large pectoids,

Don’t eat, I just take steroids;

I’ve great muscle tone,

Not human, more like hormone.

DRAMATIC MIDDLE BIT ONE – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN

Barcelona games, we want to win the most,

We’ll do our best stuff to be first past the post.

VERSE 2 – A GROTESQUE BLOKE

I just don’t know what I’ve done to my glands,

Failed my drug test and now I’ve been banned,

Used to do athletics cos it kept me fit,

Now I just live for the hit,

When I put the shot,

It’s Cortisone in the bot.

DRAMATIC MIDDLE BIT TWO – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN AGAIN

Barcelona games, there’ll be new records set,

We’ll take the most drugs in one Olympics yet.

VERSE 3 – TWO GROTESQUE BLOKES

We just don’t know what we’ve done to ourselves,

Get strange feelings in our brains and pelves;

Guess the trainer told us we would come in fast,

Girlfriends want our run to last;

A minute or two,

{GIRL – sounding a bit miffed}

But seven seconds won’t do.

In July 1996 I updated the lyric for the Atlanta Olympics, which gave it a new lease of life:

STEROIDS – ATLANTA 1996
(To the Tune of “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself”)

VERSE 1 – GIRL ATHLETE

I just don’t know what I’ve done to myself,
Don’t know just what I’ve done to my health;
Used to be soprano, now I’m baritone,
Once svelte, now I’m fourteen stone,
And chilled to the bone.

I just don’t know what I’ve done to my glands,
Failed my drug test and now I’ve been banned,
Where I once had bosoms, now I’ve large pectoids,
Don’t eat, I just take steroids;
When I put the shot,
It’s Cortisone in the bot.

MIDDLE EIGHT ONE – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN

The Atlanta games, we want to win the most,
We’ll do our best stuff to be first past the post.

VERSE 2 – TWO GROTESQUE BLOKES

We just don’t know what we’ve done to ourselves,
Get strange feelings in our brains and pelves;
Guess the trainer told us we would come in fast,
Girlfriends want our run to last;
A minute or two,
{GIRL – sounding a bit miffed}
But seven seconds won’t do.

MIDDLE EIGHT TWO – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN AGAIN

The Atlanta games, there’ll be new records set,
Most cases of drugs in one Olympics yet.

VERSE 3 – MEDICS

We just don’t know why they’ve all done these drugs,
Cos they knew they’d get caught, they’re no mugs;
Maybe in Atlanta, something’s in the drink,
Athletes all land in the clink;
That’s why we all sing,
Try Coke, it’s the real thing!!

Here is Dusty Springfield singing I Just Don’t Know What To Do:

Here’s a link to the lyrics of I Just Don’t Know What To Do.