Seems I wrote to him in 1994 when he was with NewsRevue again and (presumably) trying to rustle up some material for another project:
Jonathan Linsley 17 October 1994
News Revue
Dear Jonathan
OUT OF COPYRIGHT SONGS
My attempts to phone you have not succeeded – perhaps the pen is mightier than the British Telecom Premierline.
It’s not easy to find out of copyright songs in my portfolio – but I enclose some suitably reworked ones that I have managed to find.
Songs from other peoples collections that spring to mind include:
* Modern Labour General by Graham
* several by Andrew Wheelan to original tunes (e.g. Computer Song)
* is “Wonderbra” an original tune?
* John Random’s Group 4 song
It transpires that my friend, Michael Mainelli, does indeed know Chris Ewing from the consultancy work he did with Anglia. Michael has arranged to come, with entourage (i.e. 4 to 6 people I guess), on Wednesday, which I suspect is good news all round. Do let me know very, very soon if there is a problem with that
I had a interesting chat with Mark after the show on Saturday; he suggested that I drop you a note with my thoughts on redressing the balance of the show.
I suspect that you probably only need to change about 6 items in the show to beef it up substantially and improve the balance. The table below shows ones I can remember. Many of them may well be in your reserve pile anyway.
I wasn’t sure about the opening and closing numbers. I felt the pace of the show wasn’t right at the start (it took quite a while to warm up) and then it was really great until a lull towards the end. The home run was fine (Merchant Ivory ->).
On a more upbeat note, I really don’t think the show needs that much change to convert it from “a good show” to “a really good/great show”. I loved the Necrotising Faciitis song – I’m amazed it has never had an airing before.
Best wishes to you all on your trip – and don’t kidnap Mike Hodd this time.
As promised, I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of a few new songs with longevity, and the older ones I think might have a shot at Edinburgh. They are virtually all this years songs with success plus shelf life. I have also included “Yasser” which was too late for Edinburgh last year and seems to be back in the news now.
More than a year after introducing Tony Blair as a NewsRevue song character (April 1993) – click here for that first version and links to original versions of the song – he became the front runner to lead the Labour party and I was able to revive my “Amazing Tony Blair” song to the tune of Simon Smith and the Amazing Dancing Bear.
I wrote a few 1994 sub-versions, one a little earlier than the one shown below, during the European elections in May 1994, and another after the leadership election, dated 22 July 1994, but the version below from the leadership election I think was the better of the three.
This song ran and ran in NewsRevue. I particularly remember the superb Jonathan Linsley doing a fine Prescott for it, having previously been a fine John Smith.
♬ BECKETT, PRESCOTT AND AMAZING TONY BLAIR ♬
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)
VERSE 1
BECKETT: I may campaign tomorrow,
Despite the sorrow, that Labour bear;
Now John Smith is a stiff,
I shall heal the rift, that is bound to flare.
SHORT: John Prescott’s impulsive,
BROWN: Beckett’s repulsive;
BROWN/BLAIR: But Gordon Brown and Tony Blair,
Are the Labour Party conference pair,
Despite the fact we are square, we two can lead.
VERSE 2
BECKETT/SHORT: For Europe Margaret Beckett,
Secured our ticket, in June out there;
BROWN/BLAIR: But voters say she’s scraggy,
Another Maggie’s, too much to bear;
The Sun says she’s phoney, the press all love Tony;
BECKETT/SHORT: Oh who would think that Marge and Claire,
Would appeal so well in the public glare,
And Labour voters out there, seem very pleased.
PIANO BIT
(During which individuals speak to the “voters” in the audience and try to upstage each other)
BECKETT: Please don’t wreck it – vote for Beckett. Labour’s next leader.
BROWN: I’m not down, so don’t vote for Gordon Brown.
PRESCOTT: (pianist?) Labour’s best shot, vote for Prescott.
BLAIR: The press prefer Tony Blur. (Looks displeased as soon as he has said it)
OUTRO
CHORUS: Our nearest and dearest, say we’re not careerist;
We won in Europe fair and square, and the leader’s seat is going spare,
SHORT, BECKETT, PRESCOTT AND THE AMAZING TONY BLAIRE
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)
VERSE 1
BLAIRE: I may campaign tomorrow, if I can borrow some more hot air;
Oh I’ll contend in style with my sincere smile cos I’m Tony Blaire.
PRESCOTT: He’s Christian and zealous,
BLAIRE: Prescott’s just jealous;
SHORT/BECKETT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would be so accepted everywhere,
Despite his suits and big hair, we’re in the lead.
VERSE 2
BECKETT: At conference Margaret Beckett…….
SHORT: She topped the ticket as Labour’s mare;
PRESCOTT: But voters think she’s scraggy,
Another Maggie’s, too much to bear;
BLAIRE: The others are phoney, the press all love Tony;
BECKETT/SHORT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would appeal to women more than Claire,
PRESCOTT: The Socialists left out there aren’t very pleased.
PIANO BIT
BECKETT: Vote for Labour, the party that believes in….um….um……um……John?
PRESCOTT: If you’re finally ready for a genuine, truly Socialist Government……… leave the country…I mean vote Labour….Claire?
SHORT: We have policies that the people of Britain really want. Let me give you an example…..um…..um…….Tony?
BLAIRE: Vote for me. God is on my side.
OUTRO
PRESCOTT:: He thinks “love thy neighbour” is Clause 4 of Labour,
BLAIRE: Our principles are just hot air, but we’ll get the votes so we don’t care;
SHORT: Short,
BECKETT: Beckett,
PRESCOTT: Prescott,
BLAIRE: and the Amazing Tony Blaire.
And finally, in March 1996, the following one:
SHORT, BECKETT, PRESCOTT AND THE AMAZING TONY BLAIRE
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)
VERSE 1
BLAIRE: I may campaign tomorrow, if I can borrow some more hot air;
Oh I’ll contend in style with my sincere smile cos I’m Tony Blaire.
PRESCOTT: He’s Christian and zealous,
BLAIRE: Prescott’s just jealous;
SHORT/BECKETT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would be so accepted everywhere,
Despite his suits and big hair, we’re in the lead.
VERSE 2
BECKETT: At conference Margaret Beckett…….
SHORT: Could top the ticket as Labour’s mare;
PRESCOTT: But voters think she’s scraggy,
Another Maggie’s, too much to bear;
BLAIRE: The others are phoney, the people love Tony;
BECKETT/SHORT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would appeal to women more than Claire,
PRESCOTT: But Socialists left out there aren’t very pleased.
PIANO BIT
BECKETT: Vote for Labour, the party that believes in….um….um……um……John?
PRESCOTT: If you’re finally ready for a genuine, truly Socialist Government……… leave the country…I mean vote Labour….Claire?
SHORT: We have policies that the people of Britain really want. Let me give you an example…..um…..um…….Tony?
BLAIRE: Vote for me. God is on my side.
OUTRO
PRESCOTT:: He thinks “love thy neighbour” is Clause 4 of Labour,
BLAIRE: Our principles are just hot air, but we’ll get the votes so we don’t care;
SHORT: Short,
BECKETT: Beckett,
PRESCOTT: Prescott,
BLAIRE: and the Amazing Tony Blaire.
I enclose your fun pack “best of 1993” lyrics and tape. I have included the ones you requested plus a few others for you to consider. They are all 1993 songs and most of them had successful runs during the year. There are also one or two new ones that might interest you, including the “Oh what a year” opening number that I sent you a few weeks ago.
I am only around for another 10 days or so and then I am away for several weeks, so please let me know if there are any others that you want or any rewriting that you wish to discuss. I should be at the writers meetings 4 Nov and 11 Nov before I go, or you may try to reach me by phone on the above number.
I have/had happy memories of Jonathan Linsley as performer and director in my early days of NewsRevue, in the summer of 1992. So I was very pleased to learn of his return the following summer.
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING JONATHAN LINSLEY JULY-AUGUST 1993 RUN
Dear Jonathan
I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my current offerings. The pack includes some very new ones, the songs currently in the show, some that have been cruelly overlooked before but may still have some life in them. I do have several good ideas on the jotter which I shall forward to you as soon as they are ready.
Please do call me and let me know what sort of things you are short of/need and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then do let me know. Constructive feedback helps me to get better at this lark!
I watched very little television in those days – I had no TV at the flat from the summer of 1990 until towards the end of that decade. I did see some TV at Janie’s place and at the gym, though – clearly the amount of advertising dedicated to selling cars made an impression on me.
This lyric did well in NewsRevue – I especially remember Jonathan Linsley liking it – perhaps for its lung-busting quality – perhaps for the out of context thought of chicken korma.
CAR MAKER BURANA
(To the Tune of “O Fortuna” from “Carmina Burana”)
(OPTIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT:And now we proudly present Car Maker Burana by Carl Ott)
INTRO
A fortuna, we’ll spend sooner,
Car makers advertising.
VERSE 1
Ford Mondeo, Renault Clio,
The advert’s saying sod all;
Vauxhall Corsa ads are coarser,
A topless supermodel.
VERSE 2
Fiat Strada, Skoda, Lada,
Don’t advertise on tele;
Ford Fiesta on the tester,
Unleaded is less smelly.
VERSE 3
Austin Metro, Audi Quatro,
Are advertised on posters;
Fiat Tippo, Ford Scorpio,
Both run like roller coasters.
VERSE 4
Swift Suzuki, Honda Pukey,
These rhymes have got remoter;
Nissan Dorma, Chicken Korma,
And that is all for now as we have got to motor.
Technically, the above lyric is version two which was published a couple of months later. The only line that seems to have changed between the two versions is line two of verse one, which started its life as:
The adverts are such twaddle;
A little note for the completists, there.
Postscript: 25+ years after writing Car Maker Burana, I have become more ensconced in the world of early music, both reading about it, playing it and playing about with it. I stumbled across the following essay by my early music teacher, Ian Pittaway, which made me realise that, far from being a modern parodist, I have long been a contrafactist in a tradition dating back hundreds of years.
Not only that, but the specific work I chose to parody…I mean, as my contrafactum…for the Car Maker lyric, is from a 12th/13th century goliardic tradition of just such contrafacta. Go figure.
Anyway, here is a video of O Fortuna from Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana with translation on the screen…
…and here is Simon Rattle and the Berlin Philharmonic delivering the piece more recently:
While here is a third and slightly weirder version.
I was reminded of this day in conversation with John Random in February 2021. I have just received a bundle of scripts and ephemera from Erica Stanton, Chris Stanton’s widow, including materials pertaining to the show, Swing Low Sweet Testicles.
John reflected on the show and mentioned a diary note about promoting the show on 15 December. I remembered seeing the show at that time, checked my diary and discovered that I saw the show on 17 December.
Below is the B-Side of the flyer for that show. The reviews must relate to an earlier Noel Christopher extravaganza, known simply as The Show, scripts for which also arrived in Erica’s bundle.
Swing Low Sweet Testicles itself mustered at least one decent review:
Can’t imagine where City Limits got that date range from – it ran from December 9th 1992 to January 17th 1993.
The cast and crew were NewsRevue stalwarts and most had been somewhat involved in my early successes with that mob.
I don’t think that Cliff Kelly had yet overlapped with my material in NewsRevue, but I might be mistaken.
Chloe Lucas had done a magnificent job of belting my Coal Digger song in the Autumn NewsRevue run preceding Swing Low Sweet Testicles. I’m pretty sure that the Coal Digger song, along with a couple of my others, was in the Christmas run of NewsRevue which I saw (for a second time) after Testicles.
Anyway, I rather enjoyed Swing Low Sweet Testicles. I was partial to Noel’s writing and was glad of the opportunity to see some of his less-topical, more-enduring material.
Below is the programme for the NewsRevue show that night, which I stayed on to see for a second time, having seen the opening night on 26 November.
Earlier That Day…Getting Into The Zone
My diary also records a memorable working day. Memorable for inadvertent, comedic reasons.
I was working as a management consultant for Binder Hamlyn at that time. On that day, I accompanied the National VAT Partner, Alan Buckett, to visit a large European Manufacturing Group, whose UK headquarters were out on the M4 corridor, to help them get their heads around something or other.
We were done with that by lunchtime and Alan suggested stopping for a bite to eat in Earls Court – a convenient stop on the way back to the City for him and a short hop to home for me, as I had an early-evening engagement with Testicles and didn’t want to go back to the City.
Alan parked his car and we walked down the Earls Court Road, in search of a wine bar/restaurant someone had recommended to him.
Ah, there it is…
…said Alan, striding towards the place he had been aiming towards.
But instead of walking down the stairs to, as I could see it, the entrance to the wine bar in question, Alan marched up the stairs and into…
Clonezone. I believe it is accurate to describe that particular store as a Gay fetishist fashion emporium.
I tried to stop him, but Alan had his stomp on and disappeared into the shop.
I waited outside for what seemed ages but was probably only a few seconds.
The tall, besuited Alan, who normally looked every inch a City gent, retreated from Clonezone rather sheepishly.
I smiled.
Alan and I went into the wine bar restaurant for a light lunch and a debrief.
Towards the end of the lunch, Alan said,
When you get back to the office, I’d just prefer it if you didn’t mention…
…I said that his Clonezone secret was safe with me. Alan is long-since retired now and I’m pretty sure, if he remembers the story at all, it’d be the funny side of it that has stuck in his mind.
Alan might well have shocked the clones within as much as they (and the place) shocked him.
25 years ago to this very day (I am writing on 1 August 2017), I wrote this rather nasty little lyric, which was very successfully used in NewsRevue for many weeks.
I’m hoping someone out there can name the two performers who made this their own for the first few weeks; I can picture them but not name them. I think Jonathan Linsley and Dot Atkinson were also in that cast, but I’m pretty sure the other two played Mick and Jerry…
Postscript: I found a running order and cast list in my own pile of antiquities – Peter Anthony Graham was “Mick” and Vanessa Peers was “Jerry”.
25 years later Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are both still surprisingly newsworthy.
MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS
(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
JUDGE:Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to conduct the divorce proceedings of Mr Michael Jagger and Ms Jeremiah Hall. Ms Hall. Will you please explain to this court why you wish to divorce this man.
VERSE 1 – JERRY’S TESTIMONY
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,
Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;
Hundreds of other girls now wear his rings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
VERSE 2 – MORE OF JERRY’S TESTIMONY
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,
Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;
Look how he dances and hear how he sings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;
I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.
JUDGE:Is she not radiant? Is she not fragrant? Would you care for a Twix, Ms Hall? Now, Mr Slimy Toad, what do you have to say for yourself?
VERSE 3 – MICK’S TESTIMONY
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,
With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;
Fights over Carla and my other flings,
These are a few of her unpleasant things.
VERSE 4 – MICK’S TESTIMONY
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,
Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,
I want some action, I don’t want the strings,
Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;
I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.
JUDGE:Divorce granted. Next case please.
Just in case you don’t know the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music…or even if you do know it but want to hear and see it again, here it is:
On 1 August 1993, I wrote a 50th birthday remix of this lyric:
MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS – 50th BIRTHDAY REMIX
(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
ANNOUNCER:And now, in honour of Mick Jagger’s fiftieth birthday, we go over now to Mick & Jerry’s palatial residence in Richmond upon Thames.
VERSE 1 – JERRY HALL
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker, Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca; ‘Tho Mick is fifty he still has wild flings, These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
VERSE 2 – MICK JAGGER
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction, With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction; I’m fifty so Jerry now clips my wings, These are a few of her unpleasant things.
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed; I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead. VERSE 3 – JERRY HALL
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton, Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten; Look how he dances and hear how he sings, These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
VERSE 4 – MICK JAGGER
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime, Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time, I want some action, I don’t want the strings, Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed; I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.
