I do not recall the “boycotting of Romeo and Juliet because it is too hetero” incident that triggered this idea. But I do recall Michael Portillo and Peter Lilley, prominent politicians at the time and still quite prominent 25 years later as I write in 2019.
Nurse Edwina is Edwina Currie, who at that time was best known for the “salmonella in eggs” scandal. Friar Gummer is John Gummer, who I latterly got to know well through the Marine Stewardship Council.
I do also recall this mini ballet going down very well with the audience.
_ PORTILLO AND LILLYET _
(A mini-ballet performed to Tchaikovsky’s Fantasie “Romeo & Juliet”)
(The musical themes I suggest are the fighting theme, the love theme a totally inappropriate tune from elsewhere and the coda. You’ll have to work out the choreography for yourselves. The narrative should hopefully provide plenty of ideas and some laughs in itself.)
INTRO
And now, following the recent boycott of Romeo and Juliet for being too heterosexual, The News Revue Back To Basic Outing Ballet Company is proud to present: Portillo and Lillyet. Your narrator is Anna Ford.
ANNA FORD
Scene one. Outside Tory party head quarters in Smith Square. The two rival factions, the Mounting-dues and the Cap-your-debts, are fighting in the street. Two of the young combatants eyes meet. They are Portillo and Lillyet. Both realise that this is the love that dare not speak its name. A love of port wine and cut budgets. Hastily, they arrange a liaison and scurry away from their fighting colleagues.
Scene two. A quiet spot somewhere in Whitehall. The star-crossed lovers cavort an exquisite dance. I said an exquisite…oh never mind. Then, Lillyet makes the immortal speech “Portillo, Portillo, cut the arts now, Portillo.” The lovers have one final fling and then part to return to their whips.
Scene three. A commons tea room. Nurse Edwina approaches Lillyet. As they jive, she tells Lillyet that his love of Portillo can never be fulfil-ed. For Lillyet is a spending department Cap-your-debt and Portillo is a treasury Mounting-due. Besides, Portillo is far too young. However, Nurse Edwina promises to try to get the age of consent reduc-ed. She persuades the gullible Lillyet to take a sleeping draft while he waits for Edwina’s bill to be enact-ed.
Scene four. A commons corridor. Nurse Edwina sends Friar Gummer to tell Portillo about their cunning scheme. The tragedy begins to unfold as Friar Gummer slips on some drittsekk in the corridor and fails to reach Portillo in time. When Portillo arrives and sees the sleeping Lillyet he assumes Lillyet to be dead. Portillo assumes that his political career is over. He swallows one of Nurse Edwina’s poisoned eggs, which she had conveniently left lying around. Portillo perishes. Lillyet awakens. He sees the dead Portillo and swallows one of Nurse Edwina’s poisoned eggs himself. Nurse Edwina is re-instat-ed to a ministerial post and the rival factions of the Tory party continue to squabble and make fools of themselves ceaselessly.