Billy You Ain’t No Hero, NewsRevue Lyric, 17 January 1994

I am especially fond of this lyric, not only because it did well in NewsRevue, but because Mike Hodd (the founder of the show) has oft told me that this is one of his favourite lyrics.

There are several versions of this lyric (Bill Clinton’s peccadilloes were gifts that kept on giving to satirists), the first of which I think was the most successful.

                                               BILLY, YOU AIN’T NO HERO

                                   (To the Tune of “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”)
 
VERSE 1
 
The marching band went down along main street,
The presidential car behind;
Drum majorettes went down upon Billy,
Bill Clinton didn’t seem to mind.
And with her hand upon his shoulder,
A rather angry Hilary;
She firmly put him in a half nelson,
And set him on the pillory.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Billy, don’t be a plonker,
Don’t screw around all your life;
Billy, why must you bonk her,
Why not make do with your wife.
And as Billy jogged down the road,
He thought “where should I dump my load?”;
Billy don’t be an arse hole, don’t be a creep.
 
VERSE 2
 
The US troops are trapped in Somalia,
Cos Billy Clinton sent them there;
Don’t understand the wars he’s supporting,
Still pokes his nose in those affairs.
He was a pacifist objector,
When it was his neck on the spot;
But now that Bill is just giving orders,
He sends the troops in like a shot.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Billy, don’t play at heros,
Don’t waste American life;
Billy, don’t interfere, oh,
Stay home and fight with your wife.
Cos like with his girlfriends before,
He’ll go in and quickly withdraw,
Billy, you ain’t no hero, go back to sleep.

Below is a video of Paper Lace singing Billy Don’t Be A Hero with lyrics on the screen:

For the 1996 US Presidential election I revised the second verse and chorus thusly:

BILLY, DON’T BE AN ARSEHOLE 1996 ELECTION SPECIAL
(To the Tune of “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”)
 
VERSE 2

The Grand Old Party locked deep in combat,
Dole and Buchanan fighting it;
One right wing bastard takes on another,
The public doesn’t give a shit.
Bill Clinton might get re-elected,
Despite the fact he’s made a mess;
It’s not because Americans love him,
They just hate Bill a little less.
(They said……)

CHORUS 2

Billy, don’t be an arsehole,
Don’t make America woyce (worse, pronounced Brooklyn style – “woyce”);
Billy Clinton or Bob Dole,
Or Ross Perot – what a choice!!.
Think of all the issues Bill ducked,
And of all the pussy he’s fucked;
Billy, don’t be an arsehole, go play with your sax.

BILLY: Someone mention sex??

Then, in early 1998, when subpoenas were supposedly coming in like confetti, I rewrote Verse 2 and Chorus 2 yet again:

BILLY, YOU AIN’T NO HERO – SUBPOENA REMIX
(To the Tune of “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”)

VERSE 2

Bimbos’ subpoenas flood to The White House,
Claiming that Bill had stoked them up;
They called the roll of Bill’s jilted lovers,
Five hours later we woke up.
With Paula and Monica Lewinsky,
He bit off more than they could chew;
Bill’s trapped between Little Rock and a hard place,
He only wants his hourly screw.
(Or head).

CHORUS 2

Billy, thinks he’s a hero,
Roll with a hot dog or two;
Billy, you are a weirdo,
Why doesn’t Hillary do?
And while Billy plays with his sax,
He plans where he’ll next get some ac-tion,
Billy, you ain’t no hero, why not resign?