Must have been really slow news that summer. This one marked the 50th anniversary of the ill-fated 1944 attempt on Hitler’s life.
_ WHY DID YOU THINK ABOUT KILLING MR HITLER? _
(To the Tune of “Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler?”)
SPOKEN INTRO
VOICE OFF:And now, at News Revue, we are going to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the unsuccessful attempt on Hitler’s life. So dig out your old gas mask, fry up some spam fritters and enjoy the jolly old show.
VERSE
Why did you think about killing Mr Hitler, When the war was almost won? You and your boys need not have got in the shtuck, We and our boys would have let you off the hook. VOICE OFF:We did! (add some meat hook visual symbolism to help the pun) So why did you think about killing Mr Hitler, Once the Nazis were near done?
MIDDLE EIGHT
Stauffenberg, Was on the verge, Of blasting Hitler higher; Gestapo came round later, With some thick piano wire. (add piano effect to emphasise the point)
OUTRO
But why didn’t you think about killing Mr Hitler, Back in 1931?
Below is Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler, aka the Dad’s Army theme song, with lyrics on the screen:
Thank you for the message you left earlier today. I’m glad you like the stuff I sent you. I enclose tape recordings of the ones you requested.
Please do get in touch if you need any more material I might have for you – I have a portfolio of over 200 of the things (although many were very topical and are of historical interest only now).
On the matter of filthy lucre, please note that I have assigned the rights to the Better Face lyrics to Save The Children Fund (the address is on the song). Please send any money for Better Face directly to them. If you use any of the others, please send any money directly to me.
When did I first meet Mike Ward of the Actors’ Workshop in Halifax? All the evidence suggests 14 July 1994, when he came to NewsRevue, with his son Adam if I recall correctly.
Mike Ward 18 July 1994 [address redacted] Halifax
Dear Mike
SONGS
It was a pleasure to meet you at News Revue last week. I enclose the selection of songs I promised you. As I said that evening, I have recordings of all of the originals of these which I shall happily tape for you should you request it.
Please do not hesitate to call for a tape or to discuss any other material I might have for you.
Self-explanatory pollution in the atmosphere meets slow news over the summer lyric. Contains some good lines:
_ SUMMER SMOG SENSATION _
(To the Tune of “Summer In The City”)
VERSE 1
Ozone, summer in the city, Ghastly poison fumes make asthmatics feel shitty; No air, isn’t it a pity, Nobody can breath this summer in the city; All around, pleurisies and asthmas, Better off just smoking, better wear a gas mask.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Go out in a London smog, Asphyxiate your dog; This weather story is a crashing bore, Better spice it up with dead labradors, And pugs – then folk are sympathetic, They’re mugs – cos the news is pathetic, In the summer in the city, What a bummer of a ditty.
VERSE 2
Hot stuff, summer in the city, Photojournalists snapping bums and titties; Great shot, photograph ’em pretty, Prowling round the parks this summer in the city; All around, even at a bus stop, Take the pictures quickly, before they cough their guts up.
OUTRO
Our paper is quality, Now only twenty pee; Is this the Sun or the Time’s claim, These Murdoch papers now are just the same, They’re lame – like the News of the Screws, Stay sane – watching our News Revue, Cos it’s rummer and it’s witty, Stop this number, do a skitty……..
(Straight into a short sketch on smog or newspaper price wars).
Here is a great video of The Lovin’ Spoonful performing Summer In The City:
https://youtu.be/U5bUmx-hk-c
Below, same track again, with lyrics on the screen:
Heather was a client of Stanley Bloom’s, so I did a bit of work for her through that.
Anyway, it seems I wrote this topical lyric to mark the collision of the comet Shoemaker Levy 9 with the planet Jupiter…
…what do you mean, you don’t remember that event in July 1994? Here’s a short CNN news video with pictures and stuff…followed by my lyric:
_ JUPITER FIRE _
(Duet for Patrick Moore and Heather Couper to the Tune of “Great Balls Of Fire”)
VERSE 1
PATRICK:Some say it’s a cosmological sign, HEATHER:This comet Shoemaker-Levy 9; PATRICK:I’m Patrick Moore, HEATHER:Oh what a bore, BOTH:By jove, bright mauve, Jupiter fire.
VERSE 2
HEATHER:I came along and I said stars are super, PATRICK:I hate that daft cow Heather Couper; I’ve got more zeal, HEATHER:I’ve sex appeal, BOTH:Goodness gracious weird TV stars.
MIDDLE EIGHT
PATRICK:Kiss me Heather, HEATHER:Ughhhhh – no hope; PATRICK:Wondered whether, You might erect my huge pork telescope.
HEATHER:You’re in trouble, PATRICK:A bit like Hubble, HEATHER:A screw or two’s come lose so you both see double, double.
VERSE 3
BOTH:We wait for years and we do all our sums, Jupiter’s smashed up by these earth-sized crumbs; We’re both in orbit, Everyone else ignores it, Goodness gracious great non event.
Below is a video with Jerry Lee Lewis singing Great Balls Of Fire with the lyrics on the screen:
I don’t think I liked the idea of privatising high-security psychiatric Hospital Broadmoor
_ PRIVATISING BROADMOOR _
(To the Tune of “Lullaby of Broadway”)
CHORUS
MEDICS:Go on the streets and see the loons, We’re privatising Broadmoor; Releasing fruits and loony tunes, While privatising Broadmoor; Depressives under subway trains, And crazies driving taxis; So watch out for those red blood stains, On Rippers, Bates’ and Max’s.
VERSE
SOLO MEDIC:When a Broadmoor inmate says he’s well, He’s merely psychopathic; And once he’s out you soon will tell, He acts erratic.
OUTRO
(During the outro a “Horror Movie Crazy” enters with e.g. axe, bloodstains, general gothic gore) MEDICS:Goodbye, Crazies, Goodbye, The Tories are in power; Sleep tight, Ladies, Sleep tight, Just don’t take a shower; CRAZY:Mother!!!!!!!! MEDICS:We’ll get deep cuts privatising old Broadmoor. CRAZY:Hi, honey, I’m home!!!!!
Below is The Andrew Sisters singing The Lullaby Of Broadway with lyrics on the screen:
Below is Winifred Shaw singing Lullaby Of Broadway in the original version of the song, from Gold Diggers of 1935:
Ben Murphy 12 July 1994 [address redacted] Wells Somerset
Dear Ben
SONGS
As promised, Ben, here are those new songs. Hope you can use them. I think the Camilla one is easily adaptable into a solo. Possibly also the Jeffrey and Virginia ones.
Looking forward to receiving the tapes soon. (And subsequently also some dosh from the tapes also!!)
I really like this mini medley – really complex rhymes but I think they work and have humour.
I think it was used a fair bit – Jeffrey Archer was rarely out of the news.
JEFFREY ARCHER MEDLEY
(To the Tunes of “We’re in the Money” and “I Say a Little Prayer For You”)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER
CHORUS: He’s Jeffrey Archer, he’s Jeffrey Archer,
He’s in the grot but not with spots posterior;
He’ll lose his money, he’ll lose his money,
This Lord, assured a fraud and cheated Anglia.
JEFFREY: Oh, I wanted to be Chairman, of the square men with clout,
With DTI inspection on reflection its beyond all doubt.
CHORUS: He’s in the do-do, he’s in deep do-do,
His title’s stifled it’s an honour amongst thieves.
I BUY A LITTLE SHARE OR TWO
JEFFREY: The moment I wake up, I think of some lie to make up,
Then buy a little share or two;
MARY: He’s most unappealing, cos he’s been insider dealing,
And had the odd affair or two.
JEFFREY: I’m wary that Mary has stuck by my side throughout my troubles,
MARY: His fiction caused friction, but I’m worth a pile and he’s worth double,
JEFFREY: I’m flagrant,
MARY: I’m fragrant,
BOTH: But in a short while we’ll be uncoupled,
JEFFREY: Which means back to harlots for me. (Jeffrey starts to spruce himself up)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER (REPRISE)
JEFFREY: I’m Jeffrey Archer, I’m Jeffrey Archer,
I’ve got a lot of what they call insider shares;
CHORUS: He’s in Armani, he’s in Armani,
He’s rich and kitsch some bitch can handle his affairs;
JEFFREY: Oh I am a model Tory, seeking glory and fame,
As I have lots of gall I shall frame a fall guy for the blame;
CHORUS: He’s in the Torys, he’s in the Torys,
He’s got a lot of what it takes to be let off.
Here is We’re In the Money, 42nd Street Style. with the original lyrics:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5ryRnUSBN0
Here is Ginger Rogers doing We’re In The Money from Gold Diggers of 1933:
…and here is Aretha singing I Say A Little Prayer For You, with lyrics on screen:
I wrote a minor update 9 January 1995, which I think helped this medley back into the show:
JEFFREY ARCHER MEDLEY – VERSION 2
(To the Tunes of “We’re in the Money” and “I Say a Little Prayer For You”)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER
CHORUS: He’s Jeffrey Archer, he’s Jeffrey Archer,
He’s in the grot but not with spots posterior;
He’ll lose his money, he’ll lose his money,
This Lord, assured a fraud and cheated Anglia.
JEFFREY: Oh, I wanted to be Chairman, of the square men with clout,
With DTI inspection on reflection its beyond all doubt.
CHORUS: He’s in the do-do, he’s in deep do-do,
His title’s stifled it’s an honour amongst thieves.
I BUY A LITTLE SHARE OR TWO
JEFFREY: The moment I wake up, I think of some lie to make up,
Then buy a little share or two;
MARY: He’s most unappealing, cos he’s been insider dealing,
And had the odd affair or two.
JEFFREY: I’m wary that Mary has stuck by my side throughout my troubles,
MARY: His fiction caused friction, but I’m worth a pile and he’s worth double,
JEFFREY: I’m flagrant,
MARY: I’m fragrant,
BOTH: But in a short while we’ll be uncoupled,
JEFFREY: Which means back to fast cars for me. (Jeffrey swerves, Mary stops him from falling)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER (REPRISE)
JEFFREY: I’m Jeffrey Archer, I’m Jeffrey Archer,
I’ve got a lot of what they call insider shares;
CHORUS: He’s in Armani, he’s in Armani,
He’s rich and kitsch that bitch can handle his affairs;
JEFFREY: Oh I am a model Tory, seeking glory not jail,
As I have lots of cash I shall crash my car and tell the tale;
CHORUS: He’s in the Torys, he’s in the Torys,
He’s got a lot of what it takes to be let off.
The first leader of North Korea, Kim Il-sung, died a couple of days before I wrote this lyric. The lyric did not do very well in NewsRevue. North Korea didn’t do very well either, with or without Mr Kim.
_ KIM’S ILL SON _
(To the Tune of “Sing”)
VERSE 1
Kim, Kim Il Sung, Now he’s dead, smells like dung; This Great Leader was bad, North Korea’s still sad. Kim, Kim Il Sung, Was a pimple, on the world’s atomic bum; That dull old git Jimmy Carter must, Bore everyone he sees stiff, Like Kim, Kim Il Sung.
CHORUS 1
La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la; La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la;
VERSE 2
Kim, Kim’s ill son, He is simple, just has fun; Countless women he’s had, Wild hair makes him look mad; Kim, Kim Jong Il, Takes his concubines, and puts them on the pill; Don’t worry if he’s not good enough, For anywhere but Korea, He’s Kim, Kim’s ill son.
CHORUS 2
La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la; La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la;
OUTRO
Just worry when dangerous lunatics are able to drop the bomb, Like Kim, Kim’s ill son.
Below is a video of he Carpenters singing Sing A Song with the lyrics on the screen:
Written in July 1994, revived in October 1994, I’m unsure how well this did in the show, I’m pretty sure I saw it performed.
I rather like it.
In those days, of course, no-one knew that Camilla would emerge as Chuck’s other half – she was perceived as his bit on the side back then.
CAMILLA
(To the Tune of “Diana”)
VERSE 1 – CHARLES SOLO
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah,
Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah;
CHARLES: I’ll be King and you’ll be Queen,
‘Tho folk don’t know where we’ve been;
I don’t care when press berate,
I shall never abdicate;
There’s always adultery,
In the British monarchy,
Oh please rule with me……..Camilla.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Camilla enters during this)
VERSE 2
CAMILLA: Then the press gave us lots of stick,
Over where you dip your wick;
When we ride a cross country course…
CHARLES: …I confuse you with my horse;
She’s so young and you’re so old,
But I have been Parker-bowled;
CAMILLA: Please don’t match me with Diana.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Queen & Philip enter during this)
MIDDLE EIGHT
QUEEN: Stupid Charlie,
CHARLES: Sorry mother,
QUEEN: Don’t let on you have a lover;
Take a tip from dad and me,
BOTH You just don’t talk to Dimbleby. (PHILIP: You’re a bloody wimp, boy!)
VERSE 3
CHARLES: I still find Diana duller,
QUEEN: Camilla is no water-colour;
PHILIP: She looks like my old dog Rover,
QUEEN: But Charles had her three times over;
CHARLES: I’ll go ruin an architect,
QUEEN: You command naff-all respect;
CAMILLA: Oh please God spare me the Windsors. (EITHER: blackout….
OR: Queen, Philip and Charles, incredulous at this outburst, hound Camilla off the stage).
Here is Paul Anka singing Diana – you need to click through to read the original lyrics underneath the YouTube:
