Month: January 1996

Don’t You Want Me Voters?, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1996

I rather like this lyric. I’m not sure how well it did in the show.

DON’T YOU WANT ME VOTERS?
(To the Tune of “Don’t You Want Me?”)
VERSE 1

MAGGIE: You were working as a teller in a Brixton Bank when I met you;
I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around,
And turned you into someone blue;
Now five years later on you’re facing up to defeat,
Success has not been easy for you;
But don’t forget it’s me who put you where you are now,
And I can put you back down too.

CHORUS 1

MAJOR: Don’t, don’t they want me?
You know I can’t believe it when they say they won’t vote Tory;
Don’t, don’t they want me?
You know I don’t believe it when the papers say I’m boring.
I think I might resign….
MAGGIE: What! And let in Hestletine?
BOTH: You’d [I’d] better toughen up or we will both be sorry.
MAJOR: Don’t you want me voters? Don’t you want me?……….(feebly)………. no?
Don’t you want me voters? Don’t you want me?…..(more feebly)…… oh.

VERSE 2

MAJOR: You were working as Prime Minister in Downing Street that much is true;
But even then I knew I’d find a much better way, either with or without you.
MAGGIE: Those five years since I went have been dismal times, you make me spew;
But now the right is stuck between the rocks and hard place,
And so we must put up with you.

CHORUS 2

MAJOR: Don’t, don’t they want me?
You know I don’t believe it when they say I’ve got no mandate;
MAGGIE: Don’t, don’t they want you?
You might need an election long before you reach your planned date.
MAJOR: I think I might resign….
MAGGIE: The plonker’s lost his spine
BOTH: You’d [I’d] better get it back or we’ll have no more Tories.
MAGGIE: Don’t you want him voters? Don’t you want him? No!!!
MAJOR: Don’t you want me voters? Don’t you want me?…..(feebly)…… oh.
BOTH: Don’t you want me [him] voters?

[MAJOR: (spoken) Well I was only asking.]

Here is Don’t You Want Me sung by the Human League:

Michael Winner Eats It All, Newsrevue Lyric, 2 January 1996

This is a rather nasty lyric about the film director and latterly food critic, Michael Winner. I recall it went down very well indeed with the NewsRevue audience. Winner was a very unpopular fellow.

MICHAEL WINNER EATS IT ALL
(To the Tune of “The Winner Takes It All”)

 

VERSE 1

WINNER: I just want to talk even with my mouth full,
What a tasty dish, grub from my Death Wish;
I’ve laid all my cast and my films are dreadful,
So now what I do’s restaurant reviews.

FEMALES: Michael Winner eats it all, his bladder’s full of gall;
His snout deep in your trough, then he slags you off.

VERSE 2

WINNER: I dine at the best, thinking I belong there,
I make waiters tense when I take offence;
Then I make demands and I make a pong there,
Eating gourmet food, being bloody rude.

FEMALES: The rich take his advice, he always quotes the price,
He thinks a meal is bland unless it cost a grand;
Michael Winner eats it all, he’s almost fat as tall,
He’s simple and he’s plain, knows how to complain.

VERSE 3

WINNER: So tell me, shall we kiss [chorus might choose to vomit] while I’m masticating?
Have a slice of tongue, my joints been well hung;
In the Sunday Times, I’ll be castigating,
Tables badly laid, orders not obeyed.

FEMALES: The editors decide, to take this punter’s side,
Although his taste is kitsch and he’s much too rich;
Michael Winner eats it all and then can’t move at all,
He gets to try roast duck more often than most fuck.

VERSE 4

WINNER: I just want to talk even if it’s me you loathe,
You must understand I’ve come to take your hand; [takes a hand and eats it]
Don’t apologise, not to Jenny Seagrove,
She’s in my past tense movie violence.
ALL: But you see….Michael Winner eats it all, Michael Winner eats it all.
FEMALES: Michael Winner is a bastard, stuffs his face and gets well plastered
Michael Winner is a bastard, stuffs his face and gets well plastered
ALL: Michael Winner eats it all!!

Below is a video with Abba singing The Winner Takes It All with lyrics on the screen: