Apologies for the delay in getting some material to you, but I hope the quality and quantity of this submission makes up for the delay. I write regularly for News Revue, specialising almost exclusively in songs.
In the absence of more details about what you are looking for, I hope this pack provides some stuff of use to you. Please feel free to request specific items, changes or recordings of the original songs which are being parodied.
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Please feel free to get in touch any time (see myriad of methods above).
Almost certainly unused, this feels like a pun on a song title stretched beyond reason. I’m not even sure what I was really trying to say with this one.
THE TAX CUTS ARE THE WEAKEST
(To the Tune of “The First Cut is the Deepest”)
VERSE 1 – KEN CLARKE
I would have levied your hearts and your souls,
But we’ve fallen behind in the polls;
And since I’ve taken almost all that you’ve got,
This time around I’ll hand it back again,
Voters, I’ll hand it back again, but you know…….
CHORUS 1
Our tax cuts are the weakest,
(Surely you know)
Our tax cuts are the weakest;
Cos when it comes to pleasing people we’re cursed,
So when it comes to lower tax, we’re first,
But once we’re back in number ten it’s reversed,
(That’s how it is)
Our tax cuts are the weakest,
(Surely you know)
Our tax cuts are the weakest.
VERSE 2 – KEN CLARKE
I still want you fiscally,
So I’ll stump up fag and booze duty,
And sneak some extra dosh through VAT,
With half a chance I’d tax and spend again,
Voters, I’ll tax and spend again, cos you know…..
Ooohhh ooohhh
CHORUS 2
Our tax cuts are the meanest,
(Surely you know)
Our tax cuts are the meanest;
And when it comes to help the needy we’re worst,
Cos looking after number one comes first,
That’s why we’re squeezing you pip-squeaks ’til you burst,
(That’s how it is)
Our tax cuts are the meanest,
(Stuff Tony Blaire)
Our tax cuts are the weakest,
(Load of hot air)
OUR TAX CUTS ARE THE WEAKEST!!!
Here is Cat Stevens singing The First Cut Is The Deepest. Load YouTube to read lyrics in the text area beneath:
This one must be a slightly tinkered version of one I submitted in October. I don’t think it was ever used. Presumably Greenpeace were trying to stop nuclear tests at that time. A few good puns in there…
…and I can play Greensleeves on my baroq-ulele – I might give this one a go now.
GREENPEACE
(To the Tune of “Greensleeves”)
VERSE 1
As I was watching the forests fail,
And collecting water up in my pail;
I thought I’d save the Bikini Whale,
So I signed up a contract with Greenpeace.
CHORUS 1
Greenpeace is an Irish cause,
Cos they said “Muroa Atoll, Atoll”,
Although I had never sailed before,
I took charge of a boat name of Greenpeace.
VERSE 2
As I was sailing the southern seas,
A frogman got on beside of me,
He said “zis vessel aaass now been seized”,
And he made the sea boil round the Greenpeace.
CHORUS 2
Greenpeace were a mite upset,
Cos I lost their boat in his fishing net,
I’m cold and scared and I’m soaking wet,
And don’t know why I’ve now got these green sleeves.
VERSE 3
Then Greenpeace took me to task in spite,
And their weird tribunals went on all night,
If I had wanted a frigging fight,
I’d have signed for the French Foreign Legion.
(Shows arm) I’ve got a French foreign lesion on this arm and it’s getting bigger.
CHORUS 3
Greenpeace, I’ve now made my mark,
And my heads both glow when I’m in the dark;
I pee for laser shows in the park,
Which is why my nickname now is Green Piss.
Here is a version of Greensleeves with some Tudor-sounding lyrics:
This lyric did nicely, if I recall correctly. Very performable.
I am delighted to report that Jonathan Aitken did not get away with his crimes, despite the outcome inferred by the lyric.
THE SHIT OF ARABY
(To the Tune of “The Sheikh of Araby”)
VERSE 1 – JONATHAN AITKEN
I’m the shit of Araby,
A right fat cat Tory;
Jon Aitken is my name,
Gun running is my game.
When I meet those Saudi gits,
They put me in the Ritz;
With cars and jewellery,
Cos they want my weaponry.
MIDDLE EIGHT – THE PRESS
He’s the shit of Araby,
And when he leaves the Treasury,
You should see him follow sheikhs around;
That’s bad.
Even though he’s ripped off half the Nation,
He’ll still sue for defamation,
Guardian and World in Action found.
AITKEN: I’m a cad;
When he’s laying down to sleep,
He’s counting guns instead of sheep;
From his pockets,
Arms and rockets sprout;
Who’s counting?
He knows vital statistics,
Like girls with huge ballistics
He’s a shit who knows arms dealing inside out.
OUTRO – AITKEN
I’ll sue the media liberally,
Cos I’m the Chief of Treasury;
And if I treat the judge nicely (winks),
I’m sure the court will side with me.
Here is a YouTube of Spike Jones and His City Slickers version, including the “patter” section parodied above:
I also found a wonderful video version of Spike Jones & His City Slickers performing this number, but without the patter – amazing vid though, Spike Jones himself seen on percussion.
I wrote an update 24 June 1997:
THE SHIT OF ARABY – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “The Sheikh of Araby”)
VERSE 1 – JONATHAN AITKEN
I’m the shit of Araby,
A right fat cat Tory;
Jon Aitken is my name,
Gun running is my game.
When I meet those Saudi gits,
They put me in the Ritz;
With cars and jewellery,
Cos they want my weaponry.
MIDDLE EIGHT – THE PRESS
He’s the shit of Araby,
And Aitken left the Treasury,
Just to follow gun-crazed sheikhs around;
That’s bad.
Even though he ripped off half the Nation,
He still sued for defamation,
Guardian and World in Action found.
AITKEN: I’m a cad;
When he’s laying down to sleep,
He’s counting guns instead of sheep;
From his pockets,
Arms and rockets sprout;
Who’s counting?
He knows vital statistics,
Like girls with huge ballistics
He’s a shit who knows arms dealing inside out.
OUTRO – AITKEN
I sued the media liberally,
I thought the judge would side with me;
But lost my seat on the Privy;
And I’ll go down for perjury.
Almost certainly unused, in too bad taste even for NewsRevue.
Some good lines in it though.
Postscript: false memory. My submission letter of 26 November 1995 indicates that this one had been used 7+ times – i.e. in more than one run; perhaps several.
My cata-log indicates that it was originally written on 16 May 1995.
So not too bad taste for NewsRevue – not in the slightest. Whatever was I thinking when I wrote the above note?
EBOLA
(Really Sick Quickie to the Tune of “Maria”)
VERSE 1
Ebola,
They’ve just found a germ named Ebola;
It’s really rather vile,
It makes you throw up blood,
And bile.
VERSE 2
Zaire,
I’m glad I’m not there and I’m here;
The thought of it’s as sick,
As Michael Howard’s prick,
And piles.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Ebola,
Say it loud and Kinshasa’s in turmoil,
Say it soft, and its a brand of corn oil.
OUTRO
Mazola,
Won’t go through you as fast as,
Ebola.
Maria from West Side Story is a nice song in its own right:
Now Kerry Michael MBE, nach. I wonder whether he still lists NewsRevue on his CV?
The table of submissions was neat and tidy but the only way I can cut and paste it from Amipro to here, it needs to look like a great long list…
…but you’ll get the gist.
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
CHRISTMAS 1995 RUN
Dear Kerry
Great to have you back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
christmas song/mary’s boy child / harry bellafonte: New
lilley the prick/ lilly the pink / scaffold: 4-6
serbi serbi chief chief/ chirpy chirpy cheep cheep / middle of the road: 4-6
those were the raves/those were the days / mary hopkin: 4-6
Sunbed/sunny / bobby hebb: 4-6
old boys/ oh boy / buddy holly: 7+
i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you / seekers: 7+
crap tarantino man/son of a preacher man / dusty springfield: 4-6
the shit of araby/the sheikh of araby / spike jones: 4-6
side 2
ebola/maria / west side story: 7+
sealed syphilis/sealed with a kiss/brian hyland: 4-6
jumping mick jagger/ jumping jack flash / rolling stones: 4-6
surf the internet/surfin’ usa / beach boys: 4-6
eton beat it / michael jackson: 4-6
greenpeace NO RECORDING – SORRY: New
the pill is safe/ chantilly lace / jerry lee lewis: 4-6
Not the most subtle lyric, but quite effective in transmitting its message, I feel.
LILLEY THE PRICK
(To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)
CHORUS 1
We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.
VERSE 1
Michael Howard, was a terrible coward,
He would never take the blame;
So they gave him, political functions,
But he deflects guilt, just the same.
Johnny Aitken, was constantly takin’,
Large back-handers from some sheikh;
So they gave him, political functions,
Now he’s yet more on the make.
CHORUS 2
We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.
VERSE 2
David Hunt, was a bit of a c-c-c-c-con man,
Tories thought that he should go-o-o,
They withdrew his political functions,
Now he has no portfolio.
Mike Portillo, was abrasive as Brillo,
And his head looked like a pad;
So they gave him political functions,
Now he’s Peter Lilley’s lad.
CHORUS 3
We-ee-ee-‘re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
He’s buggered up the DSS;
He’s retracting our benefit payments,
Now Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.
Here is Lily the Pink by the Scaffold, with their lyrics on show.
Prince Charles and Princess Diana chose to send Prince William to Eton. I chose to write this lyric.
I don’t recall it being used, but it is a quicky and my memory ain’t what it was.
Postscript: my 26 November 1995 submission letter shows this one having been used for 4-6 weeks previously, so I must have slightly tweaked the lyric then but it had been used. My cata-log shows me completing this lyric originally 19 September 1995. So there.
ETON
(To the Tune of “Beat It”)
VERSE 1
WILLIE: They tell me that I am as thick as pig shit,
Don’t ever go to Eton cos you’ll never fit;
But every boy round here is an upper class twit,
At Eton, at Eton.
WILLIE: You see the truth is no-one cares if you’re daft,
As long as you don’t mind the cannings and the graft,
And learn to shake your pals very warmly by the shaft,
At Eton, I just want to be bad
CHORUS 1
WILLIE: At Eton,
CHARLES:: Eton,
DIANA: Eton,
CHARLES: Eton,
DIANA: Rugger and fags and beatin’;
CHARLES: They’ll whip your buttocks raw to the bone,
But Eton’s more genteel than Gordonstone,
OUTRO
(Willie is being caned by Charles and Diana during the outro)
I don’t recall this one being used, but I think it was good enough. One of those perennial scares about health.
THE PILL IS SAFE
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)
INTRO
Hello, you third generation pill, you.
VERSE 1
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row coming on;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
It always makes the autumn fun;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.
VERSE 2
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now the whole of London’s using caps and condoms;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.
VERSE 3
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`
Here is the Big Bopper’s version of Chantilly Lace:
I updated the lyric 22 April 1996:
THE PILL IS SAFE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)
INTRO
Hello, you third generation pill, you.
VERSE 1
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row we all see;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
Just like we did with BSE;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.
VERSE 2
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now there’s less precaution and there’s more abortion;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.
VERSE 3
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`
…in my log and I do remember this play/production well.
I hadn’t especially been looking forward to it. I do like generally Potter’s work but I wasn’t sure about his take on this subject. Janie having the hots for Joseph Fiennes pretty much sealed the deal for us to book it.
