Author: Ian Louis Harris

It’s Mens Health Week, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 February 1996

I can see why I wrote this and I can see why, in all probability, it didn’t make it into NewsRevue.  One or two good lines though.

IT’S MENS HEALTH WEEK
(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)

INTRO

BBC ANNOUNCER: And now, as part of the BBC Mens Health Week., a documentary for men with testicular cancer and gonorrhoea; “Great Balls of Fire”.

VERSE 1

It’s Mens Health Week,
BBC’s new festival, about an enlarged testicle,
That looks odd when you streak;
It’s Mens Health Week,
Prostate gland is getting big, and balding men won’t wear a wig,
To hide their ugly peak.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Have you seen the shows? What did they say?
Men under stress. One in ten at least is gay.
(One in ten at least is gay)

VERSE 2

It’s Mens Health Week,
BBC’s huge influence, will tackle British impotence,
Of which we seldom speak;
It’s Mens Health Week,
Phone the helpline, read the book, but don’t look down and take a look,
In case you are a freak.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Have you courted help? Which way to turn?
Claire Raynor’s crap. So’s that cow Anna Raeburn.
(Not that cow Anna Raeburn)

VERSE 3

It’s Mens Health Week
BBC afflicting men, with fears about their little friend,
Which dribbles when they leak;
It drips all week,
Alan Yentob’s master plan, to paint himself as superman,
And spare us from repeats, and spare us from repeats, yes spare us from repeats.

Below is a video of It’s Good News Week by Hedgehoppers Anonymous:

Click here for lyrics to It’s Good News Week.

Cézanne, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 February 1996

I didn’t often write lyrics for news items such as major art exhibitions, perhaps for good reason. I don’t think this one made the cut…

…which is a shame, as it has a lot going for it.

Coincidentally, I got to this lyric quite by chance on the day that Daisy and I are off to see the new Giacometti at the Tate (16 May 2017) – naturally to be reported on Ogblog very soon.

I could give Cézanne a go on the baritone ukulele; that would be fun.

CEZANNE
(To the Tune of “Suzanne”)
VERSE 1

Cezanne takes you down to the Tate near the river,
You can hear the crowds go by, you can spend the night there queuing;
And you know that he was crazy, but that’s why you want to be there,
Cos he painted Mont Sainte-Victoire, in the shape of a large phallus;
And just when you mean to savour, the large pictures of the bathers,
Then he gets you with his missus, sitting in a yellow armchair,
Cos he always was pretentious.

CHORUS 1

And you want to ease your bladder, and you’re dying for some space,
But you dare not leave the circuit, cos you queued all day and mustn’t lose your place.

VERSE 2

And Degas was a painter, who was daft obsessed with water,
And he spent a long time watching, all the ladies in the bathroom;
And when he knew for certain, that those ladies couldn’t see him,
He said “artists should paint bathers that’s a good excuse for peeping”.
So Cezanne painted bathers, they’d not yet invented ravers;
In eighteen ninety something, they hadn’t learnt to party much at all.

CHORUS 2

And you want to ease your bladder, and your vitals are so sore,
And you’d die for a Pissaro, or an artist who had once learnt how to draw.

VERSE 3

Now Cezanne takes the stand, at the Tate near the river,
He’s the nation’s new obsession in the hyped up exhibition;
And the show makes heaps of money, from an unsuspecting public,
Who wouldn’t know the difference, between garbage and grand masters;
So don’t you try to tell them, that the merchandise you sell them;
Is a massive con that’s bigger, than his painting of card players,
Cos Cezanne turned them silly.

CHORUS 3

And you want to say you’re cultured and you want to be refined,
But you don’t know arse from elbow, the impression that you give is that you’re blind.

I tried a variant of the lyric a few days later, merely changing the third verse opening couplet to refer to a newly launched fizzy drink named Shazam (see below). I can find no references to that particular fizzy pop on-line, which must make that substitution an even more obscure story. Now, of course, everyone thinks of Shazam as the app to help identify a tune/song.

VERSE 3

Now Shazam tastes real bland, like a pee in the river,
It’s a fizz without a mission like the Cezanne exhibition;

Here’s Leonard Cohen singing Suzanne with the lyrics on the screen:

Submission To Lizzy Dyson Re NewsRevue, 22 February 1996

Lizzy Dyson
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
FEBRUARY-APRIL 1996 RUN

Dear Lizzy

I apologise for taking so long to get a starter pack to you. This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show and previously unperformed songs. I shall try to write you some more this weekend.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If you want me to rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. Also, if any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Aprox. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
michael winner eats it all the winner takes it all / abba N
don’t you want me voters? don’t you want me? / human league N
hooray for bollywood hooray for hollywood / hollywood hotel N
goatee swanee / al jolson 4-6
stakeholder dont sit under the apple tree / andrew sisters 4-6
whitewater 1996 oh susannah / trad 4-6
penguin 60s when I’m 64 / beatles N
rip it off / halitoasis roll with it & whatever / oasis N

Stanley by Pam Gems, Cottesloe Theatre, 13 February 1996

My log and indeed my memory is unequivocal about this one:

Quite outstanding. One of the very, very best.

A rare visit to the theatre midweek, I’m guessing that our impending trip to Thailand & Vietnam restricted our choices of dates for this one. Such was our desire to see it, we booked a midweek evening to be sure of seeing the production.

Both Antony Sher and Deborah Warner were superb in their roles, as indeed was the whole supporting cast.

Here is the Theatricalia entry for this play/production.

In truth, Stanley Spencer’s art is not really my bag, but his story is strange and peculiarly touching, certainly as told in this excellent play by Pam Gems.

Strangely, I cannot find a Guardian review for this one, but Michael Simons previewed it:

Michael Simons Previews StanleyMichael Simons Previews Stanley Mon, Jan 22, 1996 – 57 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Paul Taylor gave the play & production rich praise in The Independent.

Michael Coveney in The Observer agreed the play was excellent and enjoyed the production too:

Coveney On StanleyCoveney On Stanley Sun, Feb 4, 1996 – 68 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

It picked up awards and stuff, did Stanley. But there’s no praise higher than the Ged & Daisy accolade quoted at the top of this piece.

Penguin 60s, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 February 1996

Penguin 60s were little précis of bigger books.

In late 1995 and early 1996 they were “a thing”.

Hence, a miniature lyric.

PENGUIN 60S
(To the Tune of “When I’m 64”)
VERSE 1

When I get older,
Losing my brain,
And attention span;
Will I still be reading War and Peace or Proust?
A la
Recherche
De Temps Perdue?

Will I stay up till quarter to three,
Reading Chapter 4?

Give me a racey,
Miniature précis,
(What are) Penguin 60s for??

MIDDLE EIGHT

Every summer we shall read a dozen on the Isle of Wight,
Cos they’re not too dear.
We shall…………
(perhaps flick through several pages to the ending)

THE ENDING

…….read cheaply,
But ever so briefly,
(What are) Penguin 60s for??

Here is a half-decent cover of When I’m 64 (originally by the Beatles) with lyrics on the screen:

Halitoasis, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 February 1996

I must have had a bit of a love-hate thing with Oasis at that time. I’d bought their albums – perhaps I just wanted to make full use of them for NewsRevue. I rather like this one, taking advantage of the somewhat derivative…sorry, I mean “tribute”…nature of Oasis’s oeuvre. 

HALITOASIS
(To the Tune of “Whatever”)

 

VERSE 1

Free of any copyright,
Whatever you wrote,
I change the odd note,
That’s my lot.

VERSE 2

Free of any royalties,
I just have to sneeze,
The damned NME
Studies my snot.

MIDDLE EIGHT

It always seems to me,
That half our tunes are from 1973;
And also lyrically,
Like “stay on the bus, forget about us”,
Is from “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree”.

OUTRO

Free!!

Below is a video of Oasis singing Whatever with the lyrics on the screen:

The Good Person of Sichuan by Bertolt Brecht, Orange Tree Theatre, 3 February 1996

Janie had never seen this play before and The Orange Tree was on a bit of a roll with us, so we decided to give this a go.

Given the scale of the piece, I thought we’d try sitting upstairs rather than downstairs for once. It was just for once, because we didn’t find upstairs very comfortable – less leg room and peering down didn’t please us.

I had seen a cracking good production of “Good Person” with Bobbie at the National a few years earlier:

The Good Person of Sichuan by Bertolt Brecht, Olivier Theatre, 3 March 1990

In truth. the Orange Tree was probably biting off a bit more than it could chew attempting such a large-scale piece in the round, but Sam Walters obcviously wanted to have a go.

We enjoyed the production. I think Janie got more out of it than I did because she hadn’t seen the play before and didn’t have a big production with which to compare it.

No newspaper reviews to be found but I did find this interview/preview by Carol Woddis on TES. That piece is scraped to here just in case that link disappears.

Letter To Ben Murphy, 29 January 1996

Goodness knows what I sent Ben in this batch, but he would have been planning the album “How Bonkers Is That” at that time.

Ben Murphy                                29 January 1996

(Wells address redacted)

Dear Ben

MORE STUFF!!!!!

I have been remiss and have not sent you any gear for ages. I actually haven’t been writing much but had a brainstorm this weekend, so here’s the stuff.
Give us a bell to let me know what you think. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.

Yours sincerely

Ian Harris (Z/Ian)

Encs.

The Newbury Bypass, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 January 1996

Protesters tried to prevent the building of the Newbury Bypass by intervening in the process. I merely wrote this lyric, which i don’t think even made it into NewsRevue.

THE NEWBURY BYPASS
(To the Tune of “Winchester Cathedral”)

 

VERSE 1

The Newbury bypass,
Will go round the town;
You stood and you watched as,
Our treehouse came down.

You could have done something,
But you didn’t try,
Now our bivouac will,
Become a lay-by.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Now everyone knows just how much we hated that road,
It wouldn’t have gone through that quick if it wasn’t for that Mawhinney toad.

VERSE 2

The Newbury bypass,
Who knows what it’s for?
It’s circumlocating,
The A34.

The Newbury bypass,
We’re blocking it hard,
Don’t knock down our shelter,
Not in our back yard.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Then the local fuzz dragged us out of the snow and hail;
We’re one of the few groups around to be better off in a British gaol.

VERSE 3

The Newbury bypass,
Now you’re a done deal;
Once we’re out of prison,
We’ll go and stop veal.

Below is a video with The New Vaudeville Band singing Winchester Cathedral:

Click here for the lyrics of Winchester Cathedral.

My Turk, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 January 1996

The news story was that a thirteen year old named Sarah Cook from Braintree in Essex had married an eighteen year old Turkish waiter from Kahramanmaras. The gutter press went wild and I wrote the following lyric for NewsRevue, which I think went down rather well for a few weeks.  

MY TURK
(To the Tune of “My Guy”)

VERSE 1

Nothing you could say will tear me away from my Turk (her Turk),
Nothing you could glean though I’m not even fourteen with my Turk (her Turk);
I’m sticking to my Turk cos I’m not a pariah,
He’s taught me the sheriah in an abaya;
I’m telling it to the Sun and making twenty tons,
For my Turk.
(SUN REPORTERS: Whatcha say??)

VERSE 2

Nothing you can do will make stick with you in Essex (Essex),
Nothing there is dainty so I’m well ‘acked off with Braintree Essex (Essex);
I gave my Turk my word of honour,
To be faithful and eat Donor;
You’d best be believing I don’t regret me leaving,
Essex.
(SUN REPORTERS: Tell us more)

MIDDLE EIGHT

As a matter of opinion I think he’s tops,
I just regret that he’s been dragged off by the cops;
The row in Britain was in excess,
Now he’s bunged in jail like Midnight Express.

VERSE 3

Some muscle bound man has lead me by the hand from my Turk (her Turk);
The Sun wants its cash back cos I won’t take off me yashmak – piss off you berk!!
We may not look like movie stars,
But we looked OK in Kahra – manmaras;
I wish my man today could take me away from Essex. (SUN: Whatchasay??)
I’m now a ward of court for the stuff the papers bought on my Turk (SUN: Tell us more!!)
I’ve pissed off the Brits cos I prefer Islamisists and my Turk!!

Below is Mary Wells singing My Guy with the lyrics on the screen: