The Day I Saw Slade & The Smiths At Keele, 10 January 1995

With profound apologies to lovers of 1970s & 1980s popular music who clicked this page under false pretences; I just couldn’t resist the headline. But I am talking about the day I went to Keele and met Dr Eddie Slade while seeing Professor Mike Smith for the first time. Later, I had dinner and stayed over with Mike Smith and Marianna, at Mike’s house in Church Plantation.

Professor Mike Smith, who sadly died suddenly, 12 November 2020

It happened like this. My business partner, Michael Mainelli, had worked with Mike when Michael first came to The British Isles in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Coincidentally, mostly while I was at Keele.

Michael and Mike had kept in touch. Mike Smith went on to become, in 1990, Professor of Health Informatics at Keele in the departments of Computer Science and Medicine. He concurrently held the position of Director of Information at North Staffordshire Health Authority.

Our business, The Z/Yen Group, was starting to thrive. I was looking after the civil society side of the practice and was starting to itch for bright resource, around the time that Mike was starting to look for opportunities to mix some fresh commercial activity in with his academic work.

Michael suggested that Mike and I meet. Knowing that Keele was my alma mater, Michael suspected that an excuse to stop off at Keele the next time I was heading north would be an attractive proposition for me.

So, between client appointments near Euston on the Tuesday morning and client appointments in Manchester on the Wednesday morning…

…Mike Smith said he would be delighted to see me on the Tuesday afternoon & evening, insisting that I should stay with him and Marianna at Church Plantation.

I think that first house might actually have been The Smiths’ house!

Mike also asked if there was anyone still at Keele that I would especially like to see, as he had time that afternoon to wander down memory lane with me.

I suggested Eddie Slade. I had seen most of the people who had taught me and were still active at Keele on earlier visits, but had not seen Eddie since my Education & Welfare sabbatical year, some 10 years earlier, when Eddie was Senior Tutor.

I recall that Mike didn’t rate our chances of getting in to see Eddie, commenting that he didn’t think he’d ever had an audience with the Director of Studies (as he was now titled).

But when I arrived at Keele, Mike told me that, to his surprise, Eddie had remembered me and said that he would like to have a meeting with both of us.

A recent (2020) picture of Eddie, borrowed from the Douglas MacMillan Hospice site, a wonderful cause

It was great swapping stories with Eddie from the distant past…9 to 10 years earlier. We’d not seen eye-to-eye over everything, but on the whole had got on very well and had worked together to resolve some “little difficulties”. Some of those tales might yet emerge in my write ups; some might best remain unwritten.

We also discussed how the Students’ Union had changed in those 10 years. I was delighted to learn that the Real Ale Bar was one of the union’s great commercial successes, as that had been one of our 1984/85 innovations.

I then asked what turned out to be a daft question about the television rooms. In our day, there had been three television rooms and the addition of a fourth TV channel (Channel 4) had caused some consternation. I asked Eddie how they regulate the television rooms now that there are multiple channels…

…Eddie laughed and explained to me that any student who wanted to watch television in the 1990s had their own TV. The former TV rooms had long since been repurposed.

With thanks to Mark Ellicott for this 2016 picture of the Students’ Union

After saying goodbye to Eddie, we had time for me to have a look around the Students’ Union, so I could see for myself the fate of the former TV rooms and far more besides.

This was also interesting for Mike, who confessed that he had never been in the Students’ Union building before, so it was my turn to give him a guided tour for the most part. It hadn’t changed all that much.

In 1995, there were still quite a few staff in the SU from my era. For sure Pat Borsky was there to be seen in the Print Room, for example; I think Barbara also.

Disappointingly, though, nobody said…

…”cards please”…

…as we entered the Union, although I did have my dog-eared life membership card with me, just in case.

Wally…where were you? Thanks to Mark Ellicott for this 1985 picture

Anyway, after having a good look around the union, we retreated to Church Plantation where I met Marianna for the first time, we three ate a hearty meal, enjoyed a wide-ranging conversation and the rest, as they say, is history. Mike and I worked together and became friends for 25 years, until his sudden death so sadly intervened.

I write this piece, the tale of how Mike and I first met, in late November 2020, just a couple of days before Mike’s funeral and just a couple of weeks since I wrote the personal tribute linked here and below.

Clause Four, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 January 1995

I marked this one copyright 1994/1995, so it must have been more or less complete on my jotter over Christmas. In fact my log says, slightly vaguely, “Oct 94”.

Not a very Socialist principle, that, copyright; owning the means of theatrical production and intellectual property exchange.

The story ran and ran; I also think this lyric had a good long stint in several runs.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO BREAK OUR TIES WITH CLAUSE FOUR?
(To the Tune of “What Do You Want To Make Those Eyes At Me For?”)
VERSE 1 – LEFTIES (PROBABLY WITH SKINNERITE NORTHERN ACCENTS)

(You’ll have to supply most of the do-wops yourselves, but here’s some to get you going)
Do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be do:

Why do you want to make those jibes at Clause Four,
When you don’t know what it says?
It makes us mad,
It makes us sad,
To think of common ownership that we’ve never had.

You’re fooling yourself, young Tony,
Oh, you’ll lead us wrong and then you’ll go away;
We’ll shake us fist,
You’re never a Socialist,
You’re more, we insist,
Conservative Unionist.

So why do you want to break our ties with Clause Four,
When you don’t know what it says?

VERSE 2 – BLAIR AND HIS ATTENDANT CRONIES

Do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be, (key change) do-wop be-do-be-do-be do:
Why do you have to vocalise on Clause Four,
When we don’t know what it says?
It makes teeth grate,
It’s out of date,
It makes me think of martyrs at the Tollpuddle gate.

We’ll never be the common owners,
Of the methods of production and exchange,
So please don’t fight,
You’re sounding off Trotskyite;
And don’t go and write,
A Socialist Composite.

But why do you want to keep those ties with Clause Four,
When we don’t mean what it says (da-da-dum)
We don’t mean (dum-da-dum-da-dum) what it says,
Do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be do
No way!!

It might remind you of this Emile Ford and The Checkmates classic:

You can click here to read the Emile Ford lyrics.

VAT Invoice To “Whoops Vicar, Is That My [sic] Dick”, 9 January 1995

I am delighted to report that, during my VAT invoicing period in late 1994 early 1995 – explained here – I invoiced Whoops Vicar too.

Everyone who has ever raised a VAT invoice should raise at least one worded like the invoice below:

INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04

Date: 9 January 1995

FAO Risk Theatre Company Limited
c/o John Random            Tax point: 9 January 1995
c/o Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: Risk Theatre Company Limited
ACCOUNT REF: RT01
INVOICE NO: 02010

In respect of songs and sundry patter for the 1994 run of Whoops Vicar, Is That My Dick.
£

ROYALTIES 11.07
VAT @ 17.5% 1.93

————-
TOTAL £13.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.

Of course, as any fule no, that invoice should have read “Whoops Vicar, Is That YOUR Dick”. How I might have mistaken my dick for that of the vicar is anyone’s guess.

Submission To “Vicky Jeffries” (Victoria Jeffrey), NewsRevue, 9 January 1995

I remember Vicky as a very good performer and I think she made a decent fist of directing too. I wonder what became of her?

Postscript

On looking for Vicky again while recalling one of her best performances, I found her under her correct name –Victoria Jeffrey – doing rather well it looks – click here.

I think I might have been pushing my luck a bit pointing out that I recommended her, but there we go. I think it worked, though, as my material at that time was going through a bit of a Z/Yen start-up lull, but quite a lot of this stuff (the better pieces) did get used.

Usual caveats about Amipro tables losing their formats for Ogblog blah blah.

Vicky Jeffries
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JANUARY-FEBRUARY 1995 RUN

Dear Vicky

Its good to learn that you are back. I hope Harriet has told you that I suggested your name for directing this run. So think of me as you wade through all the material you must be receiving!!

This starter pack consists mainly of brand new songs, with one or two rewrites of previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I very much look forward to seeing you again soon.

Song Title / Original Title/ Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of Performances 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

Side 1

privatise / bright eyes/art garfunkle – New

the peanut farmer / the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New

tory rebel (co-written with d a barham) / rebel rebel/david bowie – New

intel / inchworm/danny kaye – New

gillian shepherd / jennifer eccles/hollies – New

veal meat again / we’ll meet again/vera lynn – New

newt gingrich / moon river/danny williams – New

virginia / cecilia/simon & garfunkle – New

i’ll never find another job / i’ll never find another you/seekers – New

qe2 (co-wrttten & sent in by d a barham) / sos/abba – New

Side 2

jeffrey archer medley / we’re in the money/goldiggers
i say a little prayer/aretha franklin – New

Veal Meat Again, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 January 1995

Prior to my attempt at destroying “We’ll Meet Again” with my “Wheel Vera Lynn” lyric…

…I had a go at the old classic in the matter of Dutch veal a few months earlier.

I think this might have been used briefly. Certainly the Wheel Vera Lynn one was a big NewsRevue hit.

I subsequently met William Waldegrave en passant occasionally; he and his family lived locally in those days and were big fans of the Park Inn restaurant. If May had a function there, the Waldegraves tended to show.

VEAL MEAT AGAIN
(To the Tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

INTRO – CALVES

Let’s say goodbye with a smile, calves,
Just for a while, calves,
We’re en route.
Don’t let departing distress you,
We’ll all impress you,
En croute.

CHORUS 1 – WILLIE WALDEGRAVE

Veal meet again,
Don’t know where don’t know when,
But I’ll sell veal meat again some market place.
Keep them in stew, while they’re rare or they’re blue,
I’ll pretend I think the Dutch are a disgrace.

MIDDLE EIGHT – STILL THE IDIOT WALDEGRAVE

So will you calves all be brave for Will’yim Wald’grave,
With Dutch courage and spice;
Please don’t stay looking puce, lilly liver’s no use,
It might depress your price.

CHORUS 2 – CALVES

Veal meat again,
On a Dutch boat and train;
And you know we’ll be in pain,
Stuck in a crate.

MIDDLE EIGHT – BACK TO WILLIE

So will you go to yer grave cursing me, Waldegrave,
Selling you down the shops;
You’ll be happy I know, that you all got to go,
And be veal escalopes.

CHORUS 3 – CALVES

Veal meat again,
Shipped back by boat and train,
Cos you know we’ll meet again,
On British plates.

Here is Vera Lynn singing We’ll Meet Again with the lyrics on the screen:

Tory Rebel, NewsRevue Lyric Written Jointly With Debbie (DA) Barham, 3 January 1995

Debbie Barham was one of the most talented young writers to enter our NewsRevue orbit back in the early-mid Nineties. She really was just a kid when she first showed up; pretending to be a drop-out after a year at University whereas she was actually a fifteen year old runaway from school and family. Her untimely demise was a genuine tragedy.

But by late 1994/early 1995 she and I had started corresponding by e-mail and attempted to write a little bit together, with very limited success.

This lyric is one of just a couple of joint submissions we made to NewsRevue. I don’t remember it making the cut.

 

TORY REBEL
(To the Tune of “Rebel Rebel”)
VERSE 1

REBELS: We’ve got John Major in a whirl,
(Cos) Theresa Gorman’s our kind of girl;
MAJOR Hey guys, you’re so far right,
Hey guys, please party tonight;
REBELS: We hate Frogs, Krauts and Wops we shun,
We love hanging even more than the Sun;
MAJOR You sound off like Attilla the Hun,
How many of you are with me?
REBELS None!

MIDDLE BIT

REBELS: We’ll stick our ground, ‘cos we’re no drips,
MAJOR: We’re cracking down with our Tory whips.

CHORUS 1

ALL: Tory rebels,
MAJOR You’re past your best,
ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: John Major’s a mess;
ALL: Tory rebels,
REBELS You look forlorn,
MAJOR Tough shit, you’re whip’s withdrawn.

CHORUS 2

ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: We’ve earned some credit,
ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: From Thatcher and Tebbit;
ALL Tory rebels,
MAJOR: Most people know,
You’re as bent as Portillo.

Here is Bowie singing Rebel Rebel with lyrics in English and Italian – that might get up the Eurosceptics’ noses…

 

Gillian Shepherd, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1995

Hmmm, I’m not too sure about this one. There was a lot not to like about Gillian Shepherd and her education policies, but this lyric feels a bit personal in a way that one probably wouldn’t direct bile at a male politician.

Mind you, writing  in April 2017, I can think of another senior Tory female who makes me feel angry enough…

…and the Gillian Shepherd lyric is supposed to have a “nasty kids” feel to it…

GILLIAN SHEPHERD
(To the Tune of “Jennifer Eccles”)

(Sung by a chorus of nasty schoolkids)

VERSE 1

White chalk written on red brick,
Our funds bound to withdraw;
That’s why we’ve got no blackboard,
Tough bitch, hateful old bore.

CHORUS 1

We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know that she’s ugly;
We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know she’s not cuddly.

La la, la-la-la, la la,
La la, la-la-la, la;
La la, la-la-la. la la,
La la, la-la-la, la;

MIDDLE BIT

One rotten morning,
Found out we’d failed our grades;
Started us thinking,
That vixen ought to be spayed.

VERSE 2

We hope Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
Will soon be down on her knees;
She screwed up agriculture,
And got mad cows disease.

CHORUS 2

We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know that she’s cutting;
We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh)
She looks like pigs rutting.
WE hate Gillian Shepherd!!

Here is Jennifer Eccles by The Hollies – lyrics are there below if you fully load YouTube:

 

The Peanut Farmer, NewsRevue Lyric, Probably Unused, 2 January 1995

I don’t think I was at my very best as a lyricist in the opening overs of 1995. I think my mind was more on “baby Z/Yen” than on humour. A few hits but more misses, just for a few months.

This is one of the misses from that period. I don’t think it got used. I think I was very keen to do something to the tune of The Peanut Vendor. That aspect I still applaud. But the piece almost feels unfinished to me – like some fragments I can still find on my old jotters that never got past the “decent idea” or “good line or two” stage.

THE PEANUT FARMER
(To the Tune of “The Peanut Vendor”)
INTRO

Jimmy Carter, he’s such a brick,
Jimmy Carter, he’s old and thick,
(refrain throughout)

MAIN BIT

Carter,
If you languish in Korea or Port-au-Prince,
Meet the fella with a mouth full of foot prints;

One day he’s out in Bosnia,
Next day with strike torn US baseball stars;

So if he swings a Balkan compromise,
Will they give him a Nobel Peaceful Prize?

But Jimmy would have gone there anyway,
On a low price Saga Holiday;
The peace talks saved him the fare.

Bill Clinton ought to learn from Carter’s aid,
And just lie low for at least a decade,
Or maybe two to be fair.

If Bill lies low he’ll do no harm,
Should leave his nuts on Jimmy’s peanut farm.

Jimmy’s revered, an autumn flower,
But he was a failure when in power.

Here’s the tune of The Peanut Vendor, by Alvin “Snake Eyes” Tyler. It’s an instrumental really, despite the “jungle fresh” lyric stuck in the heads of all of us who are of a certain age.

Intel, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 January 1995

I don’t think this one was ever used…while Intel are for sure still going.

INTEL
(To the Tune of “Inchworm”)
INTRO – REVOLTING CHILDREN

Two and two are four,
Four and four are eight,
Eight and eight are sixteen,
Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-one (losing note slightly on the one)

VERSE 1 – IDEALLY A DANNY KAYE SOUNDALIKE

Intel, Intel (two and two are three),
Churning out the Pentiums (four and four are six);
You and your arithmetic (eight and eight are thirteen),
You’re bound to catch a cold (sixteen and sixteen are thirty-nine).

VERSE 2 – IDEALLY A DANNY KAYE SOUNDALIKE

Intel, Intel (two and two are nine),
Hailing the millennium (four and four are twelve);
Bitterly divided now (eight and eight are plenty),
By then you’re bound to fold.
(sixteen and sixteen are beeeeeeeep…………error………..it does not compute………….).

Here’s Danny Kaye – you need to wait a minute or so for Inchworm:

…and click here to read the lyrics of Inchworm.

Privatise, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 January 1995

Just sometimes a slow number would be a huge hit in NewsRevue. Privatise was one of those – it was in the show for yonks and frequently got the audience going big time.

One of my best ever lyrics in my opinion. At times (e.g. now in 2017) it could be in the show still.

Beware friends; the chords look straightforward I’ll be working this one up on the baritone ukulele myself.

PRIVATISE
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)

VERSE 1

Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.

VERSE 2

There is cold comfort for staff,
And hot gas from the mighty;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking them clean,
With pay rise extremes.

CHORUS 1

Privatise,
Post, health and power,
Privatise,
Industry, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.

CHORUS 2

Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.

The tune is Bright Eyes; here is Art Garfunkle’s delightful rendering:

I also wrote an update 28 May 1996:

PRIVATISE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)

VERSE 1

Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.

VERSE 2

There is outsourcing for staff,
And increase for directors;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking us clean,
With pay rise extremes.

CHORUS 1

Privatise,
Trains, health and power,
Privatise,
Military, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.

CHORUS 2

Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.