Author: Ian Louis Harris

Ain’t Got No…I’ll Revive, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 August 1993

The log says I write this 16 August 1993 but I certainly revived it in Amipro 17 October 1994 – doesn’t look as though I changed it much if at all.

Probably unused in 1993, possibly unused full stop.

I rather like it.

AIN’T GOT NO….I’LL REVIVE
(To the Tune of “Ain’t Got No…I Got Life” from “Hair”)

(Outrageous Hair type wigs and costumes could make this number. The song works equally well in plural as in singular….we ain’t, we got, etc)

AIN’T GOT NO…

I ain’t got no tune, ain’t got no tone,
Ain’t got no rhythm, ain’t got no score,
Ain’t got no beat, ain’t got no chorus,
Ain’t got no music, ain’t got no key, ain’t got no chords.

I ain’t got no texture, ain’t got no structure,
Ain’t got no drama, ain’t got no lyric,
Ain’t got no pitch, ain’t got no scale,
Ain’t got no tempo. ain’t got no gusto, ain’t got no plot.

MIDDLE BIT

Ohhhhh what have I got, I’ve no new hit musicals?
Ohhhhh what is in stock, all the new ones are balls.

I GOT……

I got Hair, I got Grease,
I got Cats, I got Chess;
I got Mame, Guys and Dolls,
And Joseph and Kiss Me Kate.

Got Annie and Gypsy,
And Gigi, and Tommy,
Carmen Jones, Carousel,
And Cabaret to reinstate.

I got Evita to repeat,
I got Starlight to reignite;
I may get Show Boat back afloat,
I’ll redo Godspell’s, Chorus Line.

I’ll reprise,
I’ve got old chest-nuts,
To revive!!!!

Here’s Nina Simone singing Ain’t Got No…I Got Life, with lyrics on the screen:

It’s Slow News Week, NewsRevue Lyric, 15 August 1993

According to my log, I wrote an initial version of this lyric 15 August 1993 but the first version I have in electronic form is labelled V2 from 28 August:

IT’S SLOW NEWS WEEK – REVISED

(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
 
VERSE 1
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
MPs still on holiday, if most of them would stay away,
Then things may turn out right.
It’s low news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Gummer had a rotten day, while Pete and Gini Bottomley,
Were on the Isle of Wight.
 
MIDDLE BIT 1
 
Let’s make up the news,
What can we say?
Paul Gascoigne’s fat,
And Cliff Richard might be gay {and Cliff Richard might be gay}.
 
VERSE 2
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Emma Thompson sneezed somewhere, and Kenneth Brannagh’s pubic hair,
Has started to turn grey;
It’s no news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Stephen Fry is celibate, he’d rather eat some halibut,
Than get his end away.
 
MIDDLE BIT 2
 
Let’s make up more news,
Affairs of state;
Diana’s blues,
Does Prince Edward masturbate? {does Prince Edward masturbate?}.
 
VERSE 3
 
It’s duff news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Now Ted Danson’s new toupee has helped him get his end away,
With Whoopie Goldberg’s trunk;
It gets more weak;  {ummmmmmmmm}
Hair transplant for Brian Clough but journalists are paid enough,
To spare us from this junk {so spare us from this junk, just spare us from this junk}.

Below is the song It’s Good News Week performed by Hedgehoppers Anonymous.

Click here for the lyrics to It’s Good News Week

Below is Version 3 of my lyric, dated 12 September 1993:

IT’S SLOW NEWS WEEK – REVISED

(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
 
VERSE 1
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
MPs back from holiday, if most of them had stay away,
I’m sure we still would cope.
It’s low news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Conferences are such a bore, those yanks Bill Clinton and Al Gore,
Are such a pair of dopes.
 
MIDDLE BIT 1
 
Let’s make up the news,
What can we say?
Paul Gascoigne’s fat,
And Cliff Richard might be gay {and Cliff Richard might be gay}.
 
VERSE 2
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Emma Thompson sneezed somewhere, and Kenneth Brannagh’s pubic hair,
Has started to turn grey;
It’s no news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Stephen Fry is celibate, he’d rather eat some halibut,
Than get his end away.
 
MIDDLE BIT 2
 
Let’s make up more news,
Affairs of state;
Diana’s blues,
Does Prince Edward masturbate? {does Prince Edward masturbate?}.
 
VERSE 3
 
It’s duff news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Now Ted Danson’s new toupee has helped him get his end away,
With Whoopie Goldberg’s trunk;
It gets more weak;  {ummmmmmmmm}
Hair transplant for Brian Clough but journalists are paid enough,
To spare us from this junk {so spare us from this junk, just spare us from this junk}.

Version 1 (which I’d guess was similar to Version 2) might turn up in hard copy form. I’ll upload a scan of it if it shows up. But it might well be lost in the mists of time.

The Last Yankee by Arthur Miller, Duke Of York’s Theatre, 14 August 1993

We saw this production after it transferred from the Young Vic to the Duke of York’s.

We hated the discomfort of those West End theatres, but this was one we really wanted to see.

We didn’t see Peter Davison and Zoe Wannamaker at The Duke of Yorks, we saw Matthew Marsh and Margot Leicester instead. A fair swap, I’d say.

Below is Michael Billington’s review:

Billington Last YankeeBillington Last Yankee Thu, Jan 28, 1993 – 30 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Below is Michael Coveney’s review of same:

Coveney On The Last YankeeCoveney On The Last Yankee Sun, Jan 31, 1993 – 55 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

I seem to recall we thought this play was a bit all over the place. It was very well received, but we thought it had glimpses of Miller’s greatness without being of Miller’s very best.

Still, well worth seeing, we felt. It wasn’t until Mr Peters’ Connections a few years later that we concluded that Miller’s light really had (excuse the pun) petered our.

An Unexpectedly Quiet Long Weekend Followed By NewsRevue Edinburgh Preview, 7 to 10 August 1993

By the looks of it, Ros Ellott was due to come and stay with Janie that weekend but in the end did not.

We had booked out a long weekend for the purpose.

I guess Janie and I found things to do, but none are recorded in the diary.

We both worked on the Tuesday – Janie working a very long day – then headed up to the Canal Cafe Theatre to see the Edinburgh show preview.

Elements of that particular Edinburgh show have been preserved for all posterity through a TV show named The Wire. The extracts even include one of mine – the Kate Adie Song.

The NewsRevue bit of the show starts at c7:00.

Top marks again to Janie in the stalwart stakes, coming with me to that show after a 12-13 hour working day.

Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Mangosuthu Buthelezi Days Of Summer, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 August 1993

Mangosuthu Buthelezi in 1983 photo by Rob Bogaerts / Anefo, CC BY-SA 3.0 NL

I wrote this up on the back of a 1995 electronic document…

Hazy Crazy Mangosuthu Buthelezi, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 June 1995

…but it turns out that my log records the original as 9 August 1993.

Everthing I said in that 1995 document still applies, except that the conversation that Barry Grossman and I had that summer (or as the South Africans might describe August; winter) was 1993, not 1995.

I still think that “Roll Out Those Hazy, Crazy, Mangosuthu Buthelezi Days Of Summer” is a great song title – thank you Barry Grossman.

Here’s the earliest version for which I can find an electronic file; 23 October 1993. I clearly extended the piece in 1995:

ROLL OUT THOSE HAZY CRAZY MANGOSUTHU BUTHELEZI BATTLES –  VERSION 2

 (To the Tune of “Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Lazy Days of Summer”)

CHORUS 1

Roll out those hazy crazy Buthelezi battles,

Those wars of Zulus, Incartha and fear;

Roll out that hazy crazy Buthelezi Natal,

Natal may be independent next year.

VERSE 1

He hates that ANC man Cyril Ramaphosa,

Say’s he’s a poser,

And a jerk;

But when they’re fighting in the townships like Tokoza,

They take the F out of F.W. de Klerk.

CHORUS 2

Throw out that hazy crazy Buthelezi arsehole,

He’s made a pact with the Fascistic whites;

Just flush that shady Buthelezi down the plug hole,

And put an end to his quarrelsome fights;

Build understanding and more human rights.

Here’s Nat King Cole singing Hazy Crazy Lazy Days Of Summer with lyrics embedded:

Lilley the Prick, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 August 1993

I revived/rewrote this one in late 1995:

Lilley The Prick, NewsRevue Song, 26 November 1995

But the following lyric was the original and I think better one. Writing more than 25 years later (March 2019) I could express similar sentiments about a heartless Tory Government being mean, inconsistent and incompetent about benefits.

Peter Lilley was not/is not many people’s favourite politician.

                                               LILLEY THE PRICK

                                        (To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)
 
CHORUS 1
 
We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.
 
VERSE 1
 
Uncle Tony, was terribly bony,
He could not afford his meals;
They withdrew all his benefit claim forms,
Now he can’t get meals on wheels.
Johnny Huckle, was entitled to f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f fuck all,
He could hardly claim a sou;
They denied him his measly handouts,
Now he’s dossing in Waterloo.
 
CHORUS 2
 
We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.
 
VERSE 2
 
Peter Lilley, was pompous and silly,
He did not foresee attack;
When the Torys stabbed him with their long knives,
Peter wasn’t turning back.
Purgatory, was home to this Tory,
While the poor danced in the street;
But Saint Peter was not Lilley’s greeter,
T’was the devil he did meet.
 
CHORUS 3
 
O…….old Nick, old Nick, old Nick,
And Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
Have buggered up the DSS;
By retracting the benefit payments,
Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.

Below is a video of The Scaffold singing Lily the Pink:

Click here for the lyrics of Lily The Pink.

Submission To Matthew Woolcott’s NewsRevue Run, 4 August 1993

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING


MATTHEW WOOLCOTT AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 1993 RUN
 
Dear Matthew
 
I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my current offerings.  The pack includes some very new ones, the songs currently in the show and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. 
 
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then do let me know. 
 
See you soon.

Bach At The Proms, Royal Albert Hall, 2 August 1993

Our first Prom together. BBC Prom I’m talking about. And when I say, “together”, that wasn’t just me and Janie – oh no – we also had her mother, Pauline, in tow.

In truth Janie wasn’t too keen on the idea of a “classical concert”, whereas Pauline was a keen music listener.

Still, Janie professed to liking Brandenberg Concertos, so this concert, entirely comprising J S Bach works, including three of the Brandenbergs, seemed a suitable entry point. This, despite my reservations about the Royal Albert Hall as a venue for baroque period music.

Here is a link to the BBC stub for this Prom. The Hanover Band with some cracking soloists: Anthony Robson, Benjamin Hudson, Catherine Latham, Robert Farley, Pavlo Beznosiuk, Rachel Brown, directed by Anthony Halstead.

This is what we heard:

  • Brandenburg Concerto No 2 in F major, BWV 1047
  • Keyboard Concerto in F minor, BWV 1056
  • Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 in G major
  • Concerto for Two Keyboards in C minor, BWV 1060 (version for oboe & violin)
  • Brandenburg Concerto No 5 in D major, BWV 1050

Here is a later recording of The Hanover Band doing Brandenberg 5:

Meirion Bowen in the Guardian rated this Prom highly, while concurring with my view about the unsuitability of baroque music scaled authentically in the Albert Hall:

Hanover Prom Bowen GuardianHanover Prom Bowen Guardian 04 Aug 1993, Wed The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Fergie’s No UN Envoy, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1993

I don’t think I thought all that highly of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess Of York. Here’s a lyric about her UN envoy role:

                                           FERGIE’S NO UN ENVOY

                                   (To the Tune of “She’s Always A Woman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
She can hunt with a gun,
She can ski every day;
She don’t half fuck around,
When she’s in St Tropez;
 
She can only write books for inane under threes;
She just wants to get rich, Fergie’s no UN envoy to me.
 
VERSE 2
 
She is haughty and proud,
She is not very brave, tho’;
She will go to Gorazde,
And to Sarajevo;
 
She will then sell her memoires for ginormous fees,
She’s a self centred bitch, Fergie’s no goodwill envoy to me.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
Oh – she took care of herself,
When she threw Andrew out,
He was not ready for;
 
Toes – that she put in her mouth,
When she gave her new man,
Sensual pedicures.
 
VERSE 3
 
She’s been spurned by the Queen,
So she’s not bloody goin’;
She won’t join that incompetent oaf,
David Owen;
 
She is undiplomatic,
But then so is he;
 
And the worst he can do,
Is split Kosovo too,
They should sack all these envoys swiftly.

Below is a video of Billy Joel singing She’s Always A Woman To Me with the lyrics on the screen:

I submitted a version Two three weeks later, substituting “Johnny Bryan” for “her mew man” in the middle eight. Not sure whether that was on request or just an attempt to make the lyric more useful/informative.

Dinner With Michelle & Neil At My Place, 31 July 1993

If the previous week had been a bit of a theatre-fest for Janie…

Kim & Micky’s Party, 25 July 1993

…the following week was a bit of an Ian’s-old-friends-from-Uni-fest for her, as we followed up an evening with Annalisa and Annie with a dinner at my place with Michelle Epstein (then Infield) and Neil Infield.

The diary is silent on what I served. Probably my Chinese specialties but you never know.

I’m sure it was a very pleasant evening.

I think it was the first time that Janie met those two. The next time I think was out in Sussex at their place.