Author: Ian Louis Harris

Some Hamas forces got stuck out on some Lebanese hills on the borders with Israel…

…I know what you are thinking…this is not an easy subject for comedy. You are right and I was wrong.

But I had a reasonable go at it and it has balance. Writing now, 25 years later, I am proud of this lyric, even though it didn’t make the show. I remember Janie really liked it at the time…that mattered.

DON’T LEAVE US THIS SPACE

(To the Tune of “Don’t Leave Me This Way”)

 

INTRO – SUNG “MECCA” STYLE

Ay, ay ay ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay ay, ay ay

 

VERSE 1

Don’t leave us this space,

We can’t survive, can’t stay alive,

In Lebanon;

Don’t leave us this place,

We can’t exist, fundamentalist, Islamisists,

Don’t leave us this space.

 

CHORUS 1

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-amas,

Israeli soldiers burst in to grab us,

Cos they believe we’re causing Arab fuss,

They exiled us out to South Lebanon,

They say Israel has got a Jihad ban on,

So listen to Abdul Aziz Rantisi,

Now only Yizhak Rabin can set us free, {set us free, set us free}

 

VERSE 2

Don’t leave us this space,

We just can’t stand, this no man’s land,

With ice and breeze;

Don’t leave us this place,

In these harsh climbs, Sir Ranulph Finnes,

Would also freeze,

Don’t leave us this place.

 

CHORUS 2

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-shwari,

Has won around Boutros Boutros-Ghali,

She’s the Palestinian Mata-Hari,

Four hundred of us want reparations,

With the help of the United Nations,

But Israel won’t return us to Palestine,

Despite Resolution 799 {799, 799}.

 

OUTRO – DANCE OFF STAGE SINGING

Please let my people go, let my people go.

Here is a vid of Themla Houston belting Don’t Leave Me This Way:

…and here is a link to Thelma’s lyrics.

Genetic engineering has been in the news, on and off, for a heck of a long time. e.g. 25 years ago at the time of writing (February 2018).

I wrote this very ambitious lyric for NewsRevue back then.

I mistakenly didn’t think it had been used – the show was chock full of my songs at that time anyhow and I wrote this early in a new run.

Normally a song needed to be spectacularly good to displace established material.

I don’t think this is spectacular, but there are some good lines in there, though I say so myself…

…and Mark Bowden and his cast seemed to like my stuff a lot. Anyway, you can judge for yourselves:

MATING A BULL WITH A HEFFER

(To the Tune of “Stairway to Heaven”)

 

VERSE 1

There are breeders who show X and Y Chromosomes,

And they’re mating a bull with a heffer;

The sperm’s sex they confirm just by dying the sperm,

And dividing a pair with electrons.

Ooohhh, ooohhh, and they’re finding a fair way to sex them.

 

VERSE 2

Now the ladys who know fertilise in vitro,

With a polymerase chain reaction;

The girls check on the sex of the sprog that’s due next,

But their fellows miss out on the action.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, whooohhh is going to fund ‘er?

 

MIDDLE BIT ONE

Once they have dyed and charged the sperm up, in a tea cup,

I’m gonna put my new blue genes on;

But this genetic engineering has me fearing,

If this world is still where I belong.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, ooohhh suppose they blunder:

 

MIDDLE BIT TWO

They’ll cross a mussel with a hedgehog, you’ll hear alarm bells,

Now Sonic plays DNA games;

Led Zeppelin’s lyrics are pretentious, and if you’re drunk,

You may imagine that their words rhyme.

 

CLIMAX

And once they’re further down the road,

Geneticists will write a tome,

Then buy and sell genetic code,

Cos they will know human genome,

And once the scheme of youth is sold,

We’ll live to be ten thousand old,

And once our aging process’ slowed,

We’ll spawn a twenty legg-ed toad,

French restaurants will buy a load.

And they’re breeding a pear with a head on.

(Lead singer holds up a grotesque effigy which is a talking doll covered with a large plastic pear.  The doll says “Mama” and the lights blackout)

Here is a vid of Led Zeppelin performing Stairway To Heaven, with lyrics:

I’m not sure what gossip columnist Marjorie Proops did or had done to her in January 1993 – must have been something in the press – just gossip I think, about her having an affair with a relative youngster. She survived until late 1996.

Anyway, here is my lyric, which I don’t think made it to the show. The show was awash with my material at that time anyway.

Neat little lyric, though.

MARJE PROOPS

(To the Tune of “High Hopes”)

 

VERSE 1

If you want vice at a newspaper price,

There’s a lot to be learned so seek advice.

Just what made that youthful gallant,

Want to thrill an agony aunt;

Anyone knows a gallant can’t,

Move an agony aunt.

 

CHORUS 1

But he had Marje Proops,

He had Marje Proops,

He had back of a barge, nose too large Proops.

So if you’re reading a solemn,

Agony column,

Just recall that gallant.

Oops there goes another agony aunt,

{Oops there goes another agony aunt,}

Oops there goes another agony aunt.

 

VERSE 2

When troubles fall and your back’s to the wall,

There are lots of advisors that you can call.

Once there was an elderly vamp,

Wanted fun with a juvenile scamp,

That youngster made his damp stamp,

On the elderly vamp.

 

CHORUS 2

Cos he had Marje Proops,

He had Marje Proops,

He had light brigade charge, specs too large Proops.

So if you’re not feeling fine,

On your advice line,

Just recall that young scamp.

Oops there goes another elderly vamp,

{Oops there goes another elderly vamp,}

Oops there goes another elderly vamp.

Wham bam!

Here is a vid of the song “High Hopes”:

Here is a link to the Sammy Cahn lyrics to High Hopes…

…I clearly still had Sammy Cahn on my mind so soon after his passing and my obituary lyric for the great lyricist.

The Sammy Cahn Obituary Lyric, 18 January 1993

Back to Marje Proops – I remember people at school teasing me that my mum looked like Marje Proops – I think it was mostly the cruel spectacles to be honest>

My log describes this one as “NewsRevue anthem/closing number”, so I think it was used for quite a few weeks.

There was a bit of a recession in the West End show world at the time. This lyric was fitting for NewsRevue at that time, for sure.

STANDING ON THE DOLE QUEUE

(To the Tune of “The Lambeth Walk”)

 

VERSE 1

When you’re down Theatreland,

See performers on the Strand;

Full cast and crew,

Standing in the dole queue;

Yeh.

 

VERSE 2

Me and my girl won’t survive,

Annie get P45;

Carmen Jones too,

Looking for work to do;

Yeh.

 

MIDDLE BIT

Dozens of West End sorties,

Collecting UB40s;

Now that you’ve done enjoyment,

Unemployment.

 

VERSE 3

If your West End show should fail,

You’ll soon be down Maida Vale;

Full cast and crew,

Trying for News Revue,

Yeh.

Here is a vid of the Lambeth Walk:

There are actually municipal instructions on how to do the Lambeth Walk – you can find them by clicking here.

You can see the lyrics to the song Lambeth Walk by clicking here.

I realise now that the “yehs” should be “ois” – what on earth was I thinking?