28 November 1992
Dear Jacqui,
Congratulations once again on an excellent opening night. Please pass on my compliments to the cast and John Moore.
I enclose some material for the party. I very much regret I shall miss it.
FAIR WEATHER FRIEND
I recall that you like Carol[e] King songs, so I thought you may like to try this nasty little number. It is hot off the scribble pad.
WE DIDN’T LEARN THE LINES
I felt very sorry for the cast trying to learn such a difficult song at such short notice for their opening night. But no subject is sacred in News Revue and I think this version may raise the odd smile.
SONG TO PERSECUTE YOU
This is a little dig at John Random for his zealous blacklist of certain songs. If you really want to annoy John, all you have to do is use songs like “Chattanooga”, “My Favourite Things”, “Maria”, “YMCA”……….
LUMPS
When Paula was directing the show, her cast very specifically commissioned this odious ditty. Paula then spiked it, saying it was too nasty for public consumption. However, in the privacy of our own News Revue party, I think the least that Jon and Paula can do to compensate me is to give the song one solitary performance before it is laid to rest.
NUDE FOR THOUGHT
Now that 0898 is personga non grata, perhaps Clive Gehle could use this song to entertain the crowds in his wonderful J Arthur Ranker character. This song was never performed, so will be new to most of the throng.
Well that’s it. I hope the party is a barrel of laughs. No doubt I shall hear about it afterwards. Meanwhile, I shall be telling all my friends how good the new show is, and shall come and see you all again before Christmas.
Best wishes to all
Author: Ian Louis Harris
Up The Creek With Janie & Annalisa & Gerry Goddin But Without A Paddle, To See Ben Murphy, 28 November 1992
Times change. These days (he says writing in late 2019) Up The Creek Comedy Club is located in trendy Greenwich and is perceived as a happening place on the comedy scene.
In 1992, Up The Creek’s was deemed to be located at Deptford Creek and its reputation was seriously edgy. When people spoke of an act dying there, it was quite possible that there was need for a post-mortem and funeral thereafter. Back then, the place was quite new, having replaced Malcolm Hardee’s famous (or should I say infamous) The Tunnel Club only a year or so earlier.
So what in the name of common sense were Janie, me, Annalisa and Gerry Goddin doing going to that place on a Saturday night?
We went to see the west-country comedian Ben Murphy perform. Ben had recently engaged with some of us Newsrevue writers and had especially taken a shine to some of my lyrics, which he was proposing to try out at Up The Creek that night.
Here is a link to my first letter to Ben – only a week or so before the Up The Creek visit – a very business like and quite counter-cultural letter viz the Ben I subsequently got to know rather well. Perhaps that is why I tended to get paid by Ben, whereas some less commercially-minded writers are (I believe) still waiting for their royalty cheques.
Here and below is a link to Ben’s subsequent recording of The Ultimate Love Song, one of several of mine that he used regularly live and also recorded:
Menawhile, back in November 1992, Janie and I actually moved an appointment to eat with Janie’s mum, plus twin-sister Phillipa and niece Charlotte, which was due to happen that evening. If my memory serves me correctly, we all went for a Chinese meal at North China on the Uxbridge Road at lunchtime the next day instead. I think that was the first time I met those three.
So, if I now point out that seeing my material, in the hands of Ben Murphy, doing battle with that seriously-arsy Deptford comedy crowd, was a far LESS daunting prospect than the thought of meeting Janie’s mum…
…but then you wouldn’t have tried mother-in-law/my girlfriend’s mother jokes at Up The Creek in 1992; that would not have ended well.
I do recall warning both Janie and Annalisa that it would be seriously risky for us to “take on the audience” if they turned against Ben. In those days, even Gerry Goddin was able to quell his instincts to chirp back in such circumstances, but I wasn’t so sure about the girls.
In the event, Ben went down pretty well at Up The Creek and we all survived the experience. Some acts that night were less fortunate than Ben…
…but then most of those acts were less naturally talented and less able to control an audience than Ben Murphy.
I have managed to find a video of Ben Murphy performing live, many years later, in less edgy circumstances – on that south-west coast circuit that he made his own for a long time:
I remember that Janie insisted on driving to Up The Creek and that we dropped Annalisa and Gerry home, as both of them, in those days, lived conveniently en route or near to Janie’s place.
This evening was an unforgettable experience that certainly helped forge my links with Ben Murphy…
…but it did not stoke a desire in me to write comedy for or see comedy in edgy clubs like Up The Creek.
We Didn’t Learn The Lines, NewsRevue Smoker Lyric, 28 November 1992
Rummaging through my electronic filing cabinet, I found this little piece; unloved even to the extent that it had not even been catalogued back in the day.
I must have written it as an in joke for a NewsRevue smoker – we had a few of those “writers and performers parties” back then – perhaps to celebrate the opening of the Christmas run or the end of the run that preceded it.
So, he says, writing 25 years later, just ahead of the last Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner of 2017, here is a question for advanced students – name all of the people referred to in my lyric.
I’ll up the answers (and any outstanding questions) when I write up the dinner. I’m good for all-but two names myself.
Part of the in-joke must have been in the choice of song itself. Graham Robertson had rattled off a brilliant topical song the week before in response to the Windsor Castle fire: “One Didn’t Start The Fire”. I’m guessing that the cast had struggled to assimilate all of the wonderful, wordy lines of that song ahead of its first Thursday performance. If Graham is able to dig out that lyric – I’d love to up it here as guest piece.
1992 might have been an annus horribilis for the Queen and the royal family but it was an annus mirabilis for me and for NewsRevue.
Anyway here is my end of 1992 smoker lyric:
WE DIDN’T LEARN THE LINES
(To the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”)
(Cast take the stage looking exuberant and full of confidence)
VERSE
Jacqui found the song appealing,
Tho’ it’s not by Andrew Whelan;
Darryl couldn’t make rehearsal,
“Auditioning an ad for Persil”;
Becca can’t remember names,
Ballet dancing’s more her game;
Sasha’s not a good recaller,
Jon is staying home with Paula.
CHORUS
We didn’t learn the lines,
Tra la la la la la,
Fa la la la la la;
We didn’t learn the lines,
Fa la la la la la,
Tra la la la la la.
(Cast leave the stage in total confusion)
Click here for a link to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” lyrics.
My First Letter To Harold Davison, 23 November 1992
On the back of the material I was writing for the Canal Cafe, I chatted with Harold Davison at lunch the Sunday before this letter. He is Gary’s dad; I have known Gary for ages through DJ and Kim.
Anyway, Harold wanted to show a lyric of mine to Frank Sinatra and Sammy Cahn…and who was I to refuse?
Here is a link to the tag of all my correspondence/lyrical interactions with Harold.
Flat 4
12 Clanricarde Gardens
London W2 4NA
71-243-0725
23 November 1992
Dear Harold,
I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
It was a pleasure to meet you at the Royal Garden last week. I found your comments on lyric writing and satire both interesting and helpful.
I have produced a parody of the above number, as requested. I hope it meets with your approval, and with that of Sinatra himself. I would be most interested to learn how it is received.
I must now away, to prepare myself for the Venice trip with my Chiropodist friend!
Yours sincerely
An Evening At Circus Space With Kim & Micky, 21 November 1992
Photo by Achim Raschka, CC BY-SA 3.0
Not really our sort of thing, but Kim persuaded me and Janie to join her and Micky at Circus Space on the Caledonian Road.
Now (he says, writing in December 2019) known as the National Centre for Circus Arts and based in Hackney, this training organisation for circus skills has long raised funds by putting on shows for the public.
Kim was a fan and we went along to give it a look-see.
I’m not a fan of circuses, my main beef being to do with making caged animals perform. Kim has an even more profound animal rights thing than I do, so her choice of Circus Space reflected the fact that they do not (or at least did not) do any animal related stuff.
I remember coming away from the evening feeling that the performers were very accomplished and that they deserve a decent audience…
…but it only reinforced my view that circus-type performance isn;t really for me.
Janie barely remembers the evening at all – unusually for her when it comes to performance-related memories. I think the circus was a big turn-off for her.
Oh well.
We’ll have had a nice meal and will have enjoyed the evening together despite the circus, I am sure.
I’ve Mushrooms Under My Skin, Lyric For NewsRevue and/or Frank Sinatra, 21 November 1992
Harold Davison was, by this time, taking some of my lyrics back to the states with him and showing them to his friends.
Harold told me that Frank Sinatra would enjoy a parody lyric to the tune “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”, as that song was a personal favourite of Frank’s.
Never one to waste an opportunity to double or treble up, my mind turned to the recent Fergie & Johnny Byrne royal toe-sucking scandal and to the profession of my new squeeze, Janie, in the hope that the same song might strike NewsRevue gold.
It didn’t strike NewsRevue gold, although Janie really liked it.
Harold told me that Frank thought the lyric was funny, but I think that if Frank had actually sung it at a smoker or a party, Harold would have told me about it.
I’VE MUSHROOMS UNDER MY SKIN
(To the Tune of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”)
SPOKEN INTRO
This song is dedicated to all the unfortunate people out there whose health problem prevents them from enjoying the most trendy erotic pleasures. I mean of course, those blighted with the dreaded fungus, athletes foot.
VERSE 1
I’ve mushrooms under my skin,
I’ve mildew deep in the arch of feet;
So deep in my arch they really enlarge my feet,
I’ve mushrooms under my skin.
VERSE 2
You’ve got me on the Mycin,
You’ve got me deep in chiropody;
So deep is your cut it’s really podiatry,
You’ve got me on the Mycin.
MIDDLE BIT
I crave for a tender pedal caress,
From a former actress or ex Duchess;
For there’s love afoot with sensuousness,
When my mate,
Osculates,
On my toe.
CLIMAX
Even priests confess,
It isn’t a sin;
To want to bed you for,
An oral pedicure.
But each time you do,
The sight of mildew,
Makes you stop before you begin,
Cos I’ve mushrooms under my skin.
(And I like nudes under my shin.)
Here’s a vid of “Ole Blue Eyes” singing that Cole Porter song:
…and a link to the lyrics of I’ve Got You Under My Skin – here.
Dinner With “The Back Knack Team”, 20 November 1992
I had for some time wanted to invite for dinner the folks who had helped put my back together again after my disc catastrophe in 1990. The advent of Janie (we were some three months in to our relationship by then), Janet Hill’s announcement that she and Mary were planning to return to Perth (Western Australia) and a convenient date when Janie was in any case going to be in town nearby come Friday dinner time, proved to be suitable triggers.
The back knack team, as in: “those who dined that evening with me and Janie”, were:
- Michael Durtnall – chiropractor extraordinaire;
- Claire Durtnall – Michael’s charming and lovely wife;
- Janet Hill – the first rate masseuse Michael suggested to me and with whom I had been working for a couple of years (more on that anon);
- Mary – Janet’s partner.
I took the day off work (I had bags of accumulated holiday some of which was reaching “use it or lose it proportions”) and probably cooked up a storm of Chinese food.
We didn’t take food porn photos in those days – we only rarely took “here we all are around the table” photos…
…so here is someone else’s food porn photo of wontons that look decidedly like my ones.
I think I probably did the “whole fish” thing and perhaps chicken with cashew nuts or similar. Possibly I did the cha chiang lettuce wrap dish too – I tended to do mine with minced veal or a mixture of pork and veal.
Stuff like that, it would have been.
Janie and I both remember a very convivial evening…
…as does Michael Durtnall, although he did admit that he couldn’t remember Janet and Mary being at my flat that evening.
Let’s see if we can track down Janet and retrieve her memories of the evening. She’ll probably also remember the very first time she massaged me (indeed the very first time I had been massaged) and her surprise, after my unhelpful reaction to just about everything she did, when I made a second appoitnment. I still have regular theraputic massage, Janet; thanks for taking the trouble to “break me in”.
My First Letter To Ben Murphy, 20 November 1992
I’m not sure how I missed this one on my first electronic pass, as I do have an electronic copy of the letter. I’m guessing that Harriet must have given Ben my phone number.
The first of much too-ing and fro-ing with Ben, who was an Irish comedy performer based in the South-West. Here is a link to the tag showing all of my interactions with him posted so far.
I mention the White House song – I wonder what the other one was?:
20 November 1992
Dear Ben,
Thank you for calling me yesterday regarding my lyrics. I enjoyed talking with you about them.
I enclose the two songs you requested. The White House song I have slightly revamped for you into a solo version. (I also enclose the original duo version for your information).
As we agreed, these two songs are £10 each for you to try, plus a further £15 each should you decide to use them as a regular feature in your live show. As we discussed, this agreement covers live performance only and is non-exclusive.
Should you wish to use the material for other purposes (e.g. broadcast, publication or recording) we would need to discuss terms. Please note that in most of these circumstances you would also need permission from the publishers of the music. I imagine that your agents would be able to help you with these arrangements should the need arise.
I understand that you are performing in London in the near future and that some of the News Revue crowd are planning to see your show. I shall try to make myself available for that trip.
I shall give some thought to the styles that we discussed on the phone and may have a go at writing some lyrics along those lines. By all means get in touch if you think of anything else you want.
I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you soon. Thank you once again for your interest in my material.
Yours sincerely
White House, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 November 1992
This lyric is dated as above, so I must have written it soon after Bill Clinton was confirmed as President, but it didn’t get used until Mark Bowden’s run in early 1993, which possibly makes sense as that was around about the time that the Clintons actually moved in to the White House.
It seems just a little strange posting this lyric now, in 2016, just after Trump has beaten Hillary to the White House. I wasn’t all that sure about the Clintons the first time around, was I?
Janie really liked this one. Not least because it is based on Our House by Crosby Stills Nash and Young which she really likes – click here or below for YouTube with tune and original lyrics.
♬ WHITE HOUSE ♬
(A song for Bill and Hillary Clinton to the Tune of “Our House”)
VERSE 1
HILLARY:I’ll light the fire, you use the powers,
As the Governor of State;
BILL:Sittin’ by the fire, with Gennifer Flowers,
While the wife’s out working,
She’ll be earning,
Ten times more than me, ee, ee,
All legally, ee, ee.
VERSE 2
HILLARY:Deep in the South {BILL:Deep in the South}
With gravy, grits and gingham dresses,
God, Guns, Geeks and Goops;
BILL:Joint in my mouth,{HILLARY:Joint in his mouth}
I smoke my spliff without inhaling,
Voters bought it,
They must be e-ven more stoned than me, ee, ee,
Ill-legally, ee, ee;
CHORUS 1
BOTH:Our house, is a very very very fine house,
Electric chairs will shock,
In down town Little Rock,
We rednecks kicked the shit out of George Bush;
We say, (cocking a snook)
Na, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana,
(OptionalNa, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana);
CHORUS 2
BOTH:The White House, is a very very very fine house,
White marble on the floor,
This sure beats Arkansas,
Though everything is hicky since George Bush….
….moved out;
VERSE 3
HILLARY:I’ll light the fire,
BILL:While I wear the pointed hat,
And sheets that we bought to-day-ay-ay-ay-ay.
A Weekend In Bristol And Then Kensington, 13 to 15 November 1992
The diaries are light on detail, but I believe I was in Bristol on business Thursday/Friday and Janie spotted an opportunity to combine my presence in Bristol with a family visit.
Janie’s diary shows her only taking morning clients on the Friday and arrangements for taking the train to Bristol that afternoon.
Mine just shows the Thursday and Friday marked out “Bristol” and loads of scribbles about confectionary for some reason – something to do with someone wanting confectionary puns I think – plus “Jane” for the Saturday.
If I recall correctly, I was staying in The Royal, aka The Swallow Hotel on College Green. We might have stayed at Hilary & Chris’s place in their spare room on their Z-bed that time on the Friday night – I think we did that a couple of times before agreeing that we could afford our own privacy when we stayed.
Anyway, this was the first time I met the Boswell branch of Janie’s family; Hilary (big sis), Chris (husband) and kids Paul & Scott. The boys were still little-uns back then.
I think we came back on the Saturday evening and stayed at Sandall Close ahead of DJ’s birthday bash Sunday lunchtime at the Kensington Royal Garden Hotel. Not a huge crowd that time but I know that Kim, Micky, Clifford, Gary and Gary’s dad Harold Davison were there – this was the first time I met Harold and I wrote to him a week or so later.
We returned to that hotel for Sunday lunches several times – they did rather appealing themed Sunday lunches that worked well for groups. A sort of buffet dining that Janie and I have rather comprehensively rejected since, but at that time it wroekd well for that sort of gathering. Large tables, well spaced out and something for everyone…even Kim…on the menu!