Pearls before swine, my economic predictions, pearls before swine.
The early evening show at the Canal Cafe at that time was called “As Time Goes By” – some sort of musical retrospective of 1940s material, which made this sketch/medley especially fitting.
AS TIME GOES BY – NEW IMPROVED VERSION
or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
John Major (Johnny)
Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)
Lady Thatcher (Maggie)
Norman Lamont (Fartface)
THE SKETCH
(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)
(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter. The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato. Paula Tappenden knows all about it. We start with just Johnny and Jilly on stage.)
JILLY:Johnny.
JOHNNY:Jilly.
JILLY:Oh Johnny. What’s happened to the economy?
JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Jilly. The pound’s doing terribly.
JILLY:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?
JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Jilly. The dollar’s doing awfully.
JILLY:Oh Johnny.
JOHNNY:Oh Jilly. What are you doing for the old effort?
JILLY:I’m in employment.
JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.
JILLY:In the ministry. Oh Johnny, this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives. I’m sorry. I’m acting like a bally fool.
(Enter Maggie)
MAGGIE:Johnny, the economy’s going horribly.
JOHNNY:Terribly.
MAGGIE:Awfully. And what about the Treaty?
JOHHNY:(offers her a sweety) Have a choccy, Maggie.
MAGGIE:I mean the Maastricht Treaty. (Maggie pokes her finger at Johnny’s lapel as she says) Johnny, I’ve warned you before, it is a ruinous straitjacket.
JOHNNY:(Brushing his lapel) I thought it was rather trendy. I got it on special offer in Marks and Spencer’s.
MAGGIE:Oh this is hopeless. Where’s Normy?
JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.
MAGGIE:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.
(Enter Normy)
JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.
JILLY:You don’t mean……
NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.
FALLING IN ERM
(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)
I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,
Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.
We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,
With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.
Falling in ERM,
Sterling’s down the drain,
Valueless again,
So don’t hold it.
Falling in ERM,
Sterling is the pits,
Norman’s got the shits,
And can’t help us.
DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY
(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
We’re screwed financially.
We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,
We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);
We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,
With Spain and Italy.
WE’LL ERM
To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)
We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,
But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.
Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,
Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.
Now we are not in at all,
But the pounds in free fall,
While the Deutchmark’s still strong;
And though Sterling’s now small,
Some of us still recall,
When we used to belong.
We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,
It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.
The above material was used quite a lot, not least the “Don’t Fuck Up The Economy” snippet which found its way into other medleys and even was sandwiched in a Ben Murphy medley in 1993 – I take no credit, nor demerits, for Ben’s other bits:
…and below a link to the Andrews Sisters singing “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”…
