Ian Louis Harris

We Did Make A Drama Out Of An Eris: Friday Drama Class At Alleyn’s School With Mr Sandbrook In 1S, 1973/1974

I only kept my diary for the middle term of the formative year that was my first year at Alleyn’s School. I was given my first diary at the turn of 1974, after the first term. I lost interest in being a diarist after just four months. then I regained that interest and kept a diary constantly for the next 14 years.

Anyway.

One feature that pervades my diary during that second term of my secondary schooling is mentions of “drama” on Fridays. I clearly loved that class. My diary also shows that we had two English slots on a Friday morning, which I suspect encouraged Ian Sandbrook, our class and English teacher, to use that section of our English itinerary for the drama stuff.

Smart idea, giving us exciting stuff to do on a Friday morning; a slot that might otherwise be a graveyard slot. I never mentioned Mr McCarthey’s maths lessons, for example, in my Friday diary.

Some fellow 1S-istas might remember some aspects of those lessons. Mr Sandbrook might too. I’d love to hear about such memories. There are a few clues in my diary which I shall try to unpick as I go through the diaries. They might trigger some more memories from others.

But one aspect has stuck in my brain all of these 50 years. Just one couplet remains, but I know that, one week, Ian Sandbrook asked us to explore Greek myths as a source of drama and to write a short piece.

The Apple Of Discord, The Judgment Of Paris And The Drama Of 1S

I’m not sure whether Mr Sandbrook allocated us each a myth, or possibly got us all to explore the same myth, but my myth was the story of the “beauty contest” between Hera, Athena and Aphrodite, triggered by an angry goddess of discord, Eris, setting a challenging question on an apple. The contest was judged by Paris of Troy.

Paris was a prince unsuited to such a role, having been raised by peasants in ignorance of his regal origins. The gods had to send Hermes out to the middle of nowhere to get Paris for the judging. The modern me wonders whether Hermes initially left a card at the peasant hut, “sorry we missed you – we tried to collect you but you weren’t in…”. But Hermes must have collected and delivered fairly promptly, as he did whisk Paris to the party in time to be the impromptu judge.

Hera offered Paris wealth and power if he voted for her. Athena offered him knowledge and warrior-status. Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful mortal woman. Guess what?

The rest is history…or rather, the rest is Greek myth and saga.

My mum must have helped me to write my script. Of course almost all of it is lost in the mists of time and the late 1980s clear out of my juvenilia which my mum chose to implement without consulting me. I’m not yet over it.

But I remember one couplet from the piece, which has stuck in my head for these 50 years. It was a musical intro to the skit, set to the tune Eye Level by the Simon Park Orchestra, which was a big hit at the time. I suspect that this skit was probably a first term effort, because Eye Level was Number One in October 1973.

A few things to unpick there, about which I was probably blissfully ignorant in 1973. Some interesting melisma on the words Ceres, Greek and god. Gives the thing a slightly ancient, plainchant-like quality. Almost certainly an accidental inclusion back then.

The names of a couple of Roman gods have got mixed up there with Greek ones. Ceres and Bacchus (Demeter and Dionysus respectively). I have no idea whether any of us in the Harris household knew or cared about that distinction. “Artistic licence” was my dad’s answer whenever some element of (in his case normally painting) work was called into that sort of question. I might have been very keen to have the word Bacchus in there, as we had visited the Temple of Bacchus in Baalbek (Lebanon) just a few weeks earlier:

*Temple of Bacchus, Baalbek, August 1973, photo by Dad*

If you are struggling to remember the tune, struggle no more. Here’s a vid of the Simon Park Orchestra performing Eye Level on TOTP back then…against the will of many of the musicians, judging by the expressions on their faces, Simon Park and an enthusiastic-looking tambourine-player aside:

Apart from the couplet, I think “my” skit was basically a sketch and meant to be a comedy rendering of the story. I have no idea whether or not it worked. The fact that I remember the couplet suggests that it might have gone down very well…or very, very badly. Actually all that my recollection of the couplet proves is that my mum probably got me to rehearse that bit over and over again so it wouldn’t sound too bad.

Fifty Years Later…We Can (Sort Of) Reconstruct This Performance Piece

Now, here’s the thing.

The above godly couplet might well have been my first attempt (albeit assisted by my mum) at writing comedy lyrics to a well known tune.

But it was far from my last.

Let’s put aside some sophomoric attempts in the 1980s, but by the early 1990s (and for most of the rest of that decade) I was regularly writing such material for NewsRevue, the world’s longest running live comedy show. My canon of silly, mostly topical, lyrics extends to several hundred pieces, almost all of which are published here on Ogblog, if you care to delve.

But can I still cut it? I decided, in January 2024 to set myself the challenge of writing a single lyric to cover the entirety of the Apple Of Discord/Judgment of Paris story.

After all, if I could successfully summarise the Balkan Wars in a comedy lyric, Mad Frogs And Englishmen, the initiation of the Trojan War should be similarly manageable.

Early in that second term of my first year at Alleyn’s, Eye Level was long gone from the charts. January 1974’s big hit was Tiger Feet by Mud.

Using Tiger Feet did prove to be a real challenge. With all due respect to “Chinnichap” songs, hugely successful though they were, the lyrics were not exactly the central conceit. Think Blockbuster, Devil Gate Drive and Mickey. Far from the style of Noel Coward’s Mad Dogs And Englishmen – a patter song with loads of space.

Still, I’ve been more than 50 years in the parody lyrics business now, so I should be able to give it a go. My lyric is written from the point of view of that much maligned character, Paris. It is by necessity a little sparse on detail, but I think I have managed to summarise the whole story in two short verses and choruses.

Drama Friday Revived…Just For One Day

I’m publishing this piece on Friday 12 January 2024, in the hope that it revives the Alleyn’s tradition of Drama Friday from 50-years ago, at least for one day.

I’ll send a copy to Sir (Ian Sandbrook), but it would be unfair to expect him to mark my homework and/or lead the class at such short notice.

But, as it happens, I am seeing my friend, John Random, a bit later in the day. He was the first NewsRevue director to use my material in the early 1990s and is now part English teacher, part thespian. I’ll ask John to mark my homework and I might even, eventually, let readers know how I got on.

*John might say, “your lyric is too hot to Trotsky”…or perhaps he won’t*.

Postscript: John Random Awarded The Lyric 10/10, While “Sir” (Ian Sandbrook) Marked My Homework That Very Day

Pop Chart Earworms When Starting Alleyn’s School 50 Years Ago, Early September 1973

I remember little about my first term at Alleyn’s School. I didn’t start writing my diaries until January 1974. The fragments of memory that I retain are part-true, part-false and part-plagiarised, in that conversations with friends from that era tends to dredge stuff from the memory that wouldn’t otherwise have been dredged.

But a review of the Top 50 charts from the week that my cohort started Alleyn’s has certainly recovered some earworms for me. In truth, nothing that really reminds me of those vital first few days, but certainly a few that remind me of the summer and build up to that first term and some that I do remember being “very much a thing” during those early weeks.

Me? I was actually listening mostly to classical music by the autumn of 1973. My “golden era” of listening to pop/chart music relentlessly had faded in the latter years of my primary school education, as my parents desperately encouraged me to listen to “proper” (i.e. classical) music – mostly middle-brow stuff.

They (or perhapa generous uncle) bought me 36 remaindered ten-inch discs from The Great Musicians series – click here or picture link below.

I’ll write more on that separately when the mood takes me.

This article is about the charts in the first week of September 1973. Here’s the chart, with some comments and embedded files for you to see and hear:

Number 50, Snoopy Versus The Red Baron, Hotshots
Number 49, Angel, Aretha Franklin
Number 48, Gaye, Clifford T. Ward
Number 47, Nutbush City Limits, Ike And Tina Turner

In truth, this one is not an earworm from the late summer of 1973, but it is a truly wonderful record, so here it is, with a very 1973 vid:

Number 46, Natural High, Bloodstone
Number 45, Hypnosis, Mud
Number 44, Caroline, Status Quo

I definitely remember this Quo number stuck in my ear at that time…or was it a slightly different Quo song…or was it at a different time…

Number 43, Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree, Dawn Featuring Tony Orlando
Number 42, The Free Electric Band, Albert Hammond
Number 41, And I Love You So, Perry Como
Number 40, All The Way From Memphis Mott The Hoople
Number 39, Joybringer, Manfred Mann’s Earth Band
Number 38, Skywriter, The Jackson 5
Number 37, All Right Now, Free
Number 36, Going Home, The Osmonds
Number 35, Bad Bad Boy, Nazareth
Number 34, Everything Will Turn Out Fine, Stealers Wheel
Number 33, Ying Tong Song, Goons
Number 32, Electric Lady, Geordie
Number 31, Our Last Song Together, Neil Sedaka
Number 30, Monster Mash, Bobby (Boris) Pickett And The Crypt-Kickers

This novelty record was for sure doing the round that first term. I have found a version with Pans People “dancing” to it…it wouldn’t be 1973 without Top Of The Pops and Pans People

Number 29, Life On Mars, David Bowie

In truth, this one is one of my main earworms from the summer before staring Alleyn’s. I remember Russell Holland (a friend from primary school) having a copy and we played it over and over one day when i visited his house that summer. I still think it is a truly great song:

Number 28, Alright, Alright, Alright, Mungo Jerry
Number 27, I Think Of You, Detroit Emeralds
Number 26, For The Good Times, Perry Como
Number 25, Touch Me In The Morning, Diana Ross
Number 24, I’ve Been Hurt, Guy Darrell
Number 23, 48 Crash, Suzi Quatro
Number 22, Oh No Not My Baby, Rod Stewart
Number 21, I’m Doing Fine Now , New York City
Number 20, I’m Free, Roger Daltrey, London Symphony Orchestra And Chamber Choir
Number 19, Fool, Elvis Presley
Number 18, Dear Elaine, Roy Wood
Number 17, I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am!), Gary Glitter
Number 16, Smarty Pants, First Choice
Number 15, Welcome Home, Peters And Lee
Number 14, The Dean And I, 10 C.C.
Number 13, Rising Sun, Medicine Head
Number 12, Say Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose, Dawn Featuring Tony Orlando
Number 11, Summer (The First Time), Bobby Goldsboro
Number 10, Pick Up The Pieces, Hudson-Ford
Number 09, Angie, The Rolling Stones
Number 08, Like Sister And Brother, The Drifters
Number 07, You Can Do Magic, Limmie And The Family Cookin’

Gosh – I’m not sure I have given this one much thought since that late summer/autumn of 1973, but it absolutely brings back sights, sounds and smells from those early days at Alleyn’s

Number 06, Rock On, David Essex
Number 05, Spanish Eyes, Al Martino

Why did someone give a tune named “Moon Over Naples” lyrics about “Spanish Eyes”? Had no-one heard of cultural appropriation back then? This was a rerelease from the late 1960s:

Number 04, Yesterday Once More, The Carpenters

I like this song. Yes it is a bit cheesy but that doesn’t stop it from being a good song:

Number 03, Angel Fingers, Wizzard

Roy Wood was off the scale weird. I only vaguely remember this one from that era:

Number 02, Dancing On A Saturday Night, Barry Blue

Why does Barry Blue sample Zorba’s Dance in the middle of this song, years before “sampling” was “a thing”?

Number 01, Young Love, Donny Osmond

It’s a shame that Nigel Godfrey didn’t start Alleyn’s the same year as us, as he would LOVE to be able to boast that Donny was Number One when he started, whereas the rest of us…

Tara pop-pickers, as that great man, Alan Freeman, used to say.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Fourteen: Rimini & Then Home

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The cruise was advertised as a fifteen day holiday, but as I named the initial travel day “Day Zero” I think I have accounted for them all.

I have no idea whether the pirate party was actually the last night party, but they are the only photos I haven’t yet used.

We have fewer than 90 photos of the whole trip – times have changed. More recently, I have a feeling I have had meals that have yielded more photos than that, albeit perhaps adding together the snaps taken by several diners.

*The quality of my dancing has been consistent throughout the decades*

I remember almost nothing about the journey home. We were tired. We had very much enjoyed our holiday. I was super-excited (to use the modern phrase) about starting at Alleyn’s School a few days after our return.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Thirteen: Dubrovnik

Dubrovnik From the City Walls

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The tenth and final port of call (before the return to Rimini) was Dubrovnik.

Mum, Dad & I all really liked this place. Indeed, we returned to Dubrovnik a couple of year’s later, so we must have liked it a lot. I also have a feeling that the touring time for Dubrovnik was quite limited, so we felt that we hadn’t had a chance to take a good look at the place.

*Beside Orlando’s Column (right of picture)*

*Me On Main Street With Orlando’s Beyond*

There’s also two or three minutes of cine, from 15’30” until around 18’00” or so.

It seems my young friend joined us in touring Dubrovnik – possibly her mum wasn’t feeling good or just didn’t fancy touring that day. You can see my mum buying a plaque facsimile, which ended up on the dining room wall at Woodfield Avenue for nearly 40 years. I think it depicts the Exodus or something of that kind.

In the remaining minute or two of the film, you can see us back on the boat, at one point speaking with the girl and her mother. The film beyond the 20 minute mark is of the following year’s holiday.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Twelve: Corfu

Corfu Town

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The ninth port of call was Corfu.

It looks from the photos and the cine footage that we toured in a fairly relaxed manner.

*Achilleion top, Governor’s Residence bottom*

Dad had clearly “fixed ” his cine camera, even though that meant losing some of the footage that had got jammed within it. He took a lot of cine on our last two stops, presumably because he had a lot of film left!

There is four whole minutes of film from Corfu, between 11’30” and 15’30”. I very much remember the sweet girl you can see between 15’00 and 15’30” – we became good friends towards the end of the cruise. I cannot remember the girl’s name – unfortunately we don’t have stills of her – mum was very good at labelling up the stills.

Actually I failed to keep in touch with any of the friends I made on that cruise. I started Alleyn’s a few days after our return and I suppose the experience felt like ancient history very soon after it ended.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Eleven: Katakolon

Our Ship Delphi At Katakolon

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The eighth port of call was Katakolon.

I remember almost nothing about this day and the only photo we have that proves we went there is the headline photo above.

I think we were all toured out at that point and it was another hot day. I suspect we went for a walk and meandered around the nearby shops, but apart from that we used it as a rest day ahead of our last two ports of call.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Ten: Crete

Knossos – Corridor Of The Magazines

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The seventh port of call was Crete. I have a feeling this was another very hot and humid day. I also have a feeling that it was here that the film jammed in dad’s cine camera, leading to the loss of several minutes of film from Baalbek, Jerusalem and Knossos.

I don’t remember all that much about Crete, other than exploring the Knossos at some length. Dad had a bit of a thing about Knossos. We had a painting of dad’s at home, Theseus and the Minotaur which Dad had imagined from that legend. The main action in that legend supposedly took place at Knossos.

I think I had some difficulty imagining Theseus and the Minotaur from the ruins at Knossos, not least because Dad had rather built this one up in my mind.

I don’t think we toured all day, though, as it was too hot. Nor do I think we explored the Phoenician castle in the harbour.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Nine: At Sea

All At Sea – Nigel & Me

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

I think this was the only day, after the initial days at sea, when we spent two nights and an entire day at sea, wending our way from Israel to Crete.

The pool was nowhere near as crowded by that stage. But I think I had been put off dipping in it by then.

In truth I only vaguely remember my friend Nigel, but he finds his way into a couple of pictures from that day at sea. I think we were both resisting the swimming but I do recall enjoying playing some deck games, such as quoits. I also remember being disappointed by the absence of deck cricket.

I have no idea whether my parents dined at the Captains Table on one of those “at sea” nights, but I’ll place the snap of that momentous evening here.

Similarly, I don’t know when the costume parties were held, but here are a couple of pictures from one of them. I apologise unequivocally to any indigenous American people who might feel culturally appropriated by the costume my mother made for me and by my juvenile attempts to depict the traditional war dance.

A relief to see the life boats sign above my head and no surprise to see my Mykonos sandals strapped to my feet day and night. T’was thus for years whenever we were away and/or there was good weather.

Hmmm. The dance is supposed to look and sound like this:

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Eight: Jerusalem

Dome Of The Rock

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The sixth port of call was Israel (presumably the Port of Ashdod), from whence we went to Jerusalem for the day. Our visit was just a few weeks before the outbreak of the Yom Kippur War, which must have put a stop to such touring for some while.

Still, several stereo photographs, some “monos” from which are shown below.

I remember little about this day, other than being super excited (to use the modern phrase) ahead of it and super exhausted (I’m SO modern) after it.

No surviving cine for Jerusalem, as the film was spoiled, as I described in the preceding piece, much to our (especially my mum’s) dismay.

A Two Week Mediterranean Cruise Ahead Of Starting At Alleyn’s School, late August 1973 –Day Seven: Lebanon

By Jove! Temple Of Jupiter At Baalbek

For the context, itinerary and links for this entire holiday, click here or the link below:

The fifth port of call was Beirut, in Lebanon. Our visit was just a few weeks before the outbreak of the Yom Kippur War, which must have put a stop to such touring for some while.

I returned to Lebanon, more than 20 years later, with Janie, with hilariously predictable results at Beirut airport:

I remember the coach journey from the Beirut port to Baalbek being a long and mostly tedious one. Dad took the street scene below twixt the two places.

Baalbek was nestled amongst some permanent refugee camps which I imagine might still be there – they were still there when we visited in 1997.

I remember being wowed by the ruined temples there – finding them in many ways more awe-inspiring than the Athens ruins, not least because they were less crowded and we were able to scramble around the ruins more comprehensively. That might well no longer be the case.

*Some crumbling old ruins (and us) scrambling around the Temple of Jupiter*

I was especially struck by the Temple of Bacchus, depicted below. I remember dad saying that Bacchus was his kinda Roman God. Hard to disagree now that I know a bit more about him.

*Me and Mum Before The Lion Head Capital*

There is just over a minute of cine, between 10’25” and 11’30”, until you start to see the invasion of light damage on the cine and the film jumps from Lebanon to Corfu, several days later. Dad lost almost a whole reel – I think the film got stuck in the camera at Crete and he had no changing bag with which to rescue the reel before most of it, including his Jerusalem footage, was destroyed.

Mum was very upset. I don’t think dad ever travelled without a changing bag again and I certainly never travelled without one…until digital photography came along.

The Apple Of Discord, The Judgment Of Paris And The Drama Of 1S

Fifty Years Later…We Can (Sort Of) Reconstruct This Performance Piece

Drama Friday Revived…Just For One Day

Postscript: John Random Awarded The Lyric 10/10, While “Sir” (Ian Sandbrook) Marked My Homework That Very Day

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