Work Life – Page 15 – Ian Louis Harris

NewsRevue Plus VAT – Oy! – 12 October 1994 et. seq.

Seeing these documents made me laugh. In the first few weeks of establishing The Z/Yen Group, while we waited for incorporation documents to come through, we traded as me personally, then assigned the business to the corporation.

Rather unexpectedly, we sold so much business during those few weeks, I had to register for VAT in my own name for six months.

I wanted to make sure everything was above board, so I put absolutely all income through as VATable business, including my NewsRevue income.

I don’t suppose Harriet Quirk saw much in the way of writers’ VAT invoices, not that she really needed to do anything with them because it seems I sent them retrospectively on receipt of the dosh and just wore the VAT charge myself.

What a trooper.

Spot the royalty values going down in those early weeks/months of the new business – I guess I was concentrating on matters other than comedy too much.

INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04

FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 12 October 1994
News Revue Tax point: 1 October 1994
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2

INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02005
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Edinburgh run) during August 1994.
£

ROYALTIES 45.96
VAT @ 17.5% 8.04

————-
TOTAL £54.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.

INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04

FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 24 October 1994
News Revue Tax point: 24 October 1994
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2

INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02006
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Alex’s run) during early Autumn 1994.
£

ROYALTIES 32.34
VAT @ 17.5% 5.66

————-
TOTAL £38.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.

INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04

FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 21 November 1994
News Revue Tax point: 21 November 1994
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2

INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02007

In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Kerry’s run) during Autumn 1994.
£

ROYALTIES 43.58
VAT @ 17.5% 7.62

————-
TOTAL £51.20
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.

INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04

FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 9 January 1995
News Revue Tax point: 9 January 1995
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2

INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02009

In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Robert’s run) end 1994.
£

ROYALTIES 15.49
VAT @ 17.5% 2.71

————-
TOTAL £18.20
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.

There was one more VAT invoice for NewsRevue in quarter one of 1995, before I deregistered from the VAT regime and never had to invoice NewsRevue again:

INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04

FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 14 March 1995
News Revue Tax point: 14 March 1995
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2

INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02011

In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Christmas run) end 1994 and early 1995.
£

ROYALTIES 9.60
VAT @ 17.5% 1.68

————-
TOTAL £11.28
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.

Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe Second Part: Mirie It Is While Sumer Ilast, Summer 1994

I left BDO at the beginning of August with a view to most of the others joining at the start of October 1994. Michael was not permitted to join until early 1995. So for seven or eight weeks, I was technically on my own, setting up Z/Yen.

In Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, there is a story about Golgafrinchans, a race of humanoid beings on another planet, who were the true ancestors of humanity. The Golgafrinchans divided their society into three distinct groups; thinkers, doers and middle-folk, the latter group of which were deemed useless and so were launched off into space, purportedly to be the advance party for a relocation of the entire society, but in reality to enable the thinkers and doers to stay put and thrive on their own planet.

Now I like to think of myself as part thinker, part doer, but there were times during that late summer when I wondered whether I has been launched as a Golgafrinchan-style advance party.

Not that I was entirely on my own. My diary shows an evening session with Michael on 9 August, which resulted in a massive “to do” list for establishing Z/Yen, “Z/Yen Notes”, available for inspection here.

In addition to the tasks on that list, I wrote an initial business plan, also available for inspection here. I also finished off several client assignments on an associate basis after leaving the old firm. My diary for those weeks looks ridiculous – it was a ludicrously busy time.

It was hard to get businesses started in those days. It was impossible to find premises without 12 months or more trading record, but how were we supposed to get a trading record without space. Thank you, Nick Pickering of Rochester Partnership for helping us with space for that early part of Z/Yen’s life.

It was a similar “Catch 22” with start-up business finance in those days. Michael, Elisabeth, Janie and I took Z/Yen’s initial business plan to the South of France late August – we had to pitch it to our prospective external investors at Eli Wallitt’s villa in Saint-Cézaire-sur-Siagne, near Grasse.

We all stayed in Nice at the Hotel Windsor. My financial records show that we ate one night at Le Farniente, which is still there 25 years later. We also ate at a place named Au Bistroquet which is harder to track down now.

I especially recall the convoy drive up to Saint-Cézaire; Michael and Janie had very different ideas on driving speeds on unfamiliar mountain roads in little hired cars from Avis; I expect it looked like a latter-day version of the car chase scenes in Monte Carlo or Bust!

OK, in truth these photos are of my parents’ visit to that same Provence-Alpes-Côte d’Azur part, in 1958.

That initial financing arrangement did not end at all well, but that debacle came later – part of Z/Yen’s Book of Exodus – whereas this promordyall chronique is Z/Yen’s book of Genesis.

I did still find time for writing some silly stuff. There was a leaving do for several people on 30 August at Corney and Barrow. In fact, I think, technically, that was my leaving do as well. I’d had an informal, smaller gathering of friends at the same venue on 12 August at my own expense, but I think the 30 August thing was laid on by the firm. I produced a handout for the evening, which I think went down well.

The Secret Diary Of Adrian Burn Aged 49 3/4, A Spoof Produced For A BDO Consulting Multiple Leaving Do, 30 August 1994

I do also recall around that time some farcical conversations with the Companies House people, who struggled to register our little group of companies because different departments, that didn’t speak with each other, dealt with holding companies and subsidiary companies. The holding companies got bounced because they didn’t have subsidiaries, while the subsidiaries got registered to (at the time) non-existent holding companies. Technically speaking, this might mean that Z/Yen has never has existed at all; an intriguing thought.

Mark Lewis was a Welsh gentleman at Companies House, not my old friend Mark Lewis, latterly a famous media lawyer.

Another typical, ludicrous example of my activities in a single week

At several points, I thought the business wouldn’t be ready to start trading on 1 October 1994, but of course we were able to open our doors (or I should say one door, for one room in Gresham Street) that day.

The Secret Diary Of Adrian Burn Aged 49 3/4, A Spoof Produced For A BDO Consulting Multiple Leaving Do, 30 August 1994

I wrote the quoted pieces below for sharing at a leaving do for several BDO Consulting folk who were leaving BDO Binder Hamlyn, including me, although i had technically left the firm at the beginning of that month.

The background to this spoof of The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole might be gleaned from the first part of The Z/Yen Story – click here or below:

Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe First Part – Sumer Is Icomen In, Spring 1994

In short, my firm, BDO Binder Hamlyn, was to be taken over by Arthur Andersen. I didn’t think the latter firm would appreciate my hair style.

Adrian Burn was the Managing Partner of BDO Binder Hamlyn. The character Pandoreuss is Elisabeth Reuss, now Elisabeth Mainelli, who was Adrian’s personal assistant.

Enough background:

THE SECRET DIARY OF ADRIAN BURN AGED 49 3/4 by SUSAN TOWNSLEY-WHITT

Tuesday 22 March 1994

I received a visit from a Mr Waddia, a most helpful gentleman from another leading firm of accountants like mine, except his firm is named Arthur Andersen. Mr Waddia is the most important man in Arthur Andersen and he said that he would pay a lot of money for a merger with Binder Hamlyn. He would give several Binder Hamlyn partners (including me!) equity in the merged firm and everyone would be happy. It sounded almost too good to be true, but I asked my friends James, David and John and they all said it sounded simply super and we should go for it. It’s a deal! Hurrah!

Monday 28 March 1994

I’m not very pleased today. The Sunday Times has spilled the beans on my splendid deal and lots of my junior partners have quite clearly failed to understand the benefits of the arrangement. I found some of their comments most unhelpful. I had to spend the whole day going round 20 Old Bailey explaining to all those junior partners and their staff oiks that the Andersen’s thing would be good for everybody and no-one would get fired (except for all the people that Mr Waddia told me I would have had to fire anyway). I am now in a foul mood and shall go off and investigate a bit of Queens Moat tomorrow to make myself feel better.

Wednesday 30 March 1994

One of my less astute junior partners who is not really my friend, William Casey, turned up in my office today. He had a sun tan and said he had been in Africa on consultancy business (I think that is what he does) until today and had only just got the news. He said that Andersens wouldn’t want a consultancy practice because they already have a big one and what was I going to do about it. I explained the bit about no-one getting fired and several partners getting equity in Andersen’s and he went away looking much happier. I asked my adorable secretary, Pandoreuss, what she thought of it all and she just said “Dumkopf”. I asked my friend Richard what this means and he said it is a compliment a German person gives to you when they think you have done a clever thing. Oh Pandoreuss! I really didn’t know you cared!

Monday 22 April 1994

I’m a bit miffed today. Mr Waddia says that he will have to pay millions of pounds to BDO so that he can buy Binder Hamlyn. “I hope you’re not expecting much cash or many equity partners, Adam, or else your going to be disappointed”, he said, “and you’d better get rid of a heap of your dead wood partners and managers PDQ”. I didn’t find those comments particularly helpful. I went off to close down a bit more of Queens Moat which took my mind off and made me feel a bit better.

Thursday 26 May 1994

Not a very good day. Mr Waddia has spoken to Mr Hall and apparently only two Binder Hamlyn partners will be allowed equity in Arthur Andersen. Fortunately one of them is me (hurrah) and the other is my friend James. Mr Hall has also told Mr Waddia that by the time they have paid BDO to let Binder Hamlyn out, Arthur Andersen can only afford £2.54 for Binder Hamlyn. “I thought you were the most important man in Arthur Andersen, Mr Waddia”, I said. “I am”, he replied, “in Arthur Andersen UK. Mr Hall is the most important man in Andersen Consulting UK. He is a more most important man than I am”. I think I understand. I told Pandoreuss and she just said “du bist ein schtick fleisch” which my friend Richard tells me means that I am a first class negotiator. Oh Pandoreuss! One day you will be mine!

Wednesday 10 August 1994

I am not very pleased. Mr Waddia tells me that Mr Burgess has told him that my consultancy cannot call itself a consultancy because only his (Mr Burgess’s) consultancy is allowed to do that. “I thought Mr Hall was the most important man in Andersens”, I said. “He is”, replied Mr Waddia, “in Andersen Consulting UK. Mr Burgess is the most important man in Andersen Consulting Worldwide. Mr Burgess is a more most important man than Mr Hall”. These people really ought to sort themselves out! William (who is not really my friend) went up the wall when I told him. I said that he could revive the incredibly successful former name, Binder Hamlyn Small Fry and he went away seeming happy. These consultancy (sorry, small fry) types just need a few kind words and they are all motivated, networking and selling work like crazy. William must have done a great job after he saw me today, because three strangers called me asking me to give personal references for William. Pandoreuss told me that William “ist ein schlemiel”, which apparently means good salesman. I went off and investigated a bit more of Queens Moat.

Tuesday 30 August 1994

I decided to stand up to Mr Waddia. I told him that I was not happy about having to sack 10 of my equity partners and a whole group of managers after all that we had been through together. “Heck, Adam”, he said. “Adrian”, I corrected (I can stick up for myself you know). “I know how you feel, Adrian. I am going to have to sack two of my equity partners in a few months time so I know how uncomfortable you feel.” His words made me feel a lot better (they have a superb manner, these big six types, although we’re more than a match for them, yes indeed). Mr Waddia continued “perhaps you could give me a few tips on how to go about sacking equity partners, I’ve never had to do it before”. It’s good to see that we are already starting to influence the Arthur Andersen Worldwide Organisation.

NEXT WEEK: Adrian Burn, the Wilderness Years.

In addition, I circulated the following “song list”:

AND NOW: Adrian Burn’s top five favourite records of all time.

1) A medley of songs from the musical “Half Binders Andersen”, including:

* We’re Half Binders Andersen, we’ve many accounts to sell;
* Lynchworm, lynchworm, measuring the office space;
* Wonderful, wonderful, old Chicago, centre of Andersen’s style;
* There Once Was an Ugly Merging;
* No two businesses ever we’re so unlike;
* Fumble Binders, fumble Binders, tiny little thing;
* We’re signing on the dole together, the dole together, the dole together, we’re altogether redundant as a pubic hair in soap.

2) Arthur’s, We Love You (the paranoid Android song) c/w You’re in the army now.

3) Routs and Mergers, routs and mergers, soon consultancy will work for Burgess, Binder Hamlyn’s over, cos this merger is a takeover.

4) Arthur’s theme “When you get going between the dole and new employment”.

5) Binder’s is merging in the autumn, ding dong lets hope it will survive; Arthur’s no vulture, it’s just a strong culture, so change the way you work, just change the way you work, for gawd’s sake change the way you work in time.

Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe First Part – Sumer Is Icomen In, Spring 1994

At Binder Hamlyn (BDO Consulting), 20 Old Bailey

My earliest diary note of the events that actually led to Z/Yen are in the week of 28 March 1994, which has a 9:30 call with Michael Mainelli that day and the evening of 30 March booked out “MRM” (that’s Michael) for a Park Inn Chinese meal, at my place, organised at short notice.

It was on 28 March that the rumour broke in the press that Arthur Andersen was in the process of taking over our firm, BDO Binder Hamlyn. Our part of the firm at that time was known as BDO Consulting.

My memory records a couple of “two bottles of wine” evenings with Michael, but actually I don’t think 30 March was one of those. I think the first “two bottles” evening was a couple of weeks later, after a consultancy team meeting at which it became clear that the so-called “merger” was going ahead and that the consultancy was going with it.

I’m pretty sure that we ate and drank in a place along Craven Road, near to Michael’s place. Spanish, I think, but possibly Italian – I think now Il Gusto.

The date of the “two bottles of Rioja” evening during which the name Z/Yen emerged is lost in the mists of time, but I am guessing late spring and I specifically recall the name emerging towards the end of another Park Inn Chinese meal at my flat. By that time we had colleagues Stuart Otter, Steve Taylor and Kate Carty lined up to join the new venture, together with the elusive John Thompson, who had been a client of Michael’s. No-one was entirely comfortable with the name Z/Yen, but when we challenged everyone (including ourselves) to suggest something better, answer there came none.

So Z/Yen it was.

After Returning From Our Travels, A Busy Period Running Up To Christmas & Twixtmas, 14 to 31 December 1993 & Beyond

I had allowed an additional day to sort myself out after our return from our long break, so the delayed return…

A Dreadful Journey Home From Bali, Via Jakarta, Bangkok & Abu Dhabi, Worthy Of Complaint, “Courtesy” Of Garuda Indonesia, 12 & 13 December 1993

…was less problematic for me than it was for Janie.

Janie has not made that mistake again since – we both tend to allow plenty of leeway and sorting out time after our travels.

I had some pleasurable things to do as well as hard work on our return – a NewsRevue Smoker on 16th December – the concept of such smokers is explained in my 40th anniversary piece – here and below:

NewsRevue 40th Anniversary Party, Show & Smoker, Canal Cafe Theatre, 18 August 2019

…and a BDO Consulting Xmas lunch the next day. Not sure where we ate that year – but it mught have been the Bleeding Heart again – in any case I won’t have been interrogated in the 1988 mode – click here or below for that story:

Binder Hamlyn Management Consultants Christmas Lunch Virtually All Day, 14 December 1988

Janie took quite a bit of work over that first weekend back – 18 & 19 December. My diary is silent about the weekend. there was talk about meeting up with Kim & Micky on Monday 20th for dinner, but I think we canceled that out, again perhaps pressure of work and dread of meals out during that holiday season.

Janie even took a couple of clients on Christmas Eve, whereas I (still a BDO salaryman for the last holiday season) needed to use up my accumulated holiday days to avoid losing them. I had Microbee come to look at my cockroaches that morning instead.

I went to my parents on Christmas Day and Janie saw her mum. Janie and I got together for the holiday season on Boxing Day.

We spent part of the Twixtmas period at Janie’s and part of the time at mine. Phillie, Tony & Charlie were around that season and when they wanted to stay at Janie’s, we decamped to mine.

I think we took the three of them to the flicks at Whiteley’s on Tuesday 28 December. For sure we took them to see The Secret Garden at some point during that period. I think Charlie (aged 6 or 7 at that time) got a lot more out of that experience than any of the rest of us. I am pretty sure it was on that occasion, while walking from my flat to Whiteley’s, that Tony opined to me on the sanity (or otherwise) of Janie’s family; judging Janie to be the sanest one but not delving into where that assessment might stand on other benchmarks or spectra of sanity.

It was my good fortune to be spared the family trip to Bristol during Twixtmas, not least because I had some client work to do that Twixtmas (the International Transport Workers Federation didn’t shut down for Twixtmas).

Janie and I got together again for new years eve – a quiet one if I remember correctly.

I think we spent a fair chunk of that time going through our holiday pictures, and why not?

After spending the first couple of days of the new year at mine, as the family were still around, we then switched back to Janie’s place after another of those Worm family meals on Bank Holiday Monday (3rd January) at the North China Restaurant – still there as I write in January 2020. (The restaurant, not the Worm family).

So we spent the next weekend (8th/9th) at Janie’s; a quiet weekend by the looks of it.

China Trip – Clean Business Cuisine Book Thoughts, 30 November 1993

While in China, I did a great deal of thinking about the planned book which became Clean Business Cuisine. Here are the notes I made while on that trip. I shall not try to translate them.

Six Days, Mostly In Switzerland, Mostly Working, With Michael Mainelli, 24 to 30 September 1993

Michael Mainelli and I traveled to Geneva and Gland more than once, while we were doing some advisory work for the World Wide Fund For Nature (WWF). This was our longest visit – best part of a week in my case – I think Michael might have stayed a bit longer.

Good to see that the above picture of the World Intellectual Property Organisation building in Geneva is licenced to be used under creative commons.

Michael had lived and worked in Geneva for a while, a few year’s earlier. We stayed at Michael’s favourite hotel from that bygone era; Small & friendly it was. L’Hôtel d’Allèves. More than 26 years later, judging by the website, it still looks like a nice relic of a bygone era; somewhat upgraded from its 1993 incarnation.

I recall having a good meal with Michael in the hotel on the evening we arrived. Local dishes and local wine.

Several members of staff at the hotel clearly knew Michael, who was keen to show off his command of the French language. Unfortunately, while Michael is no doubt very good at learning words and grammatical forms, his accent has a very un-French sound to it. I remember a few times, repeating what Michael had said or me choosing some simpler French words from my own, more limited, French vocabulary, to ensure that we were understood. That aspect of the trip reminded me of family visits to France; my father had a similar problem with spoken French.

Elisabeth, who has latterly made her feelings about Michael’s German pronunciation clear, joined us at some point during that trip; I think just for the weekend.

Despite Michael’s insistence, while briefing me pre-visit and/or in transit, that Swiss trains run on time, the service between Geneva and Gland was almost British in its tardiness while we were there for this trip. We experienced several delayed journeys during that week, including that first Friday ahead of the weekend.

Michael had arranged a weekend jaunt with a charming woman, Ita Schlik, who was a former colleague of Michael’s. Ita took us out to Annecy for the day, I think on the Saturday.

Annecy is a beautiful town; I remember our visit being a very relaxing and enjoyable day out. Ita was very good company and clearly knew the ropes extremely well in terms of scenic routes, avoiding traffic and gaming the differential benefits of being in France and being in Switzerland – e.g. where to fill up with petrol, where to fill up with wine and gifts. There seemed, to me, to be a whole border industry based around those differences, with no physical border to be seen. A possible lesson for us in the UK (or what might soon be left of the UK, he writes in January 2020).

I do recall the clocks going back that weekend (about a month earlier than in the UK). I went for a walk early on the Sunday and every public clock had been changed overnight. Yes, top notch effort with the clocks. So, based on my own experience, I’m not so sure about trains, but the Swiss are great at clocks…

…I’m starting to sound like Harry Lime…

But we were mostly there to work and we did most of our work in Gland.

Mind you, I recall one occasion when Swiss-style time keeping might have helped. We arranged some surgery sessions, which allowed people to approach us informally with issues. Michael and I would pair on those. I got to one surgery five minutes late, to find a woman in tears in front of Michael, who looked unusually lost for words. I imagined an Oleanna-like incident or something, but it transpired that this woman simply got very emotional worrying about her spreadsheet or some such administrative problem that was troubling her.

I also remember one flight back from Switzerland with John Ward and David Taylor (of WWF), but without Michael. (It might have been this particular trip or it might have been one of the shorter visits). The pilot clearly made a mistake on landing – the experience was so bumpy and damage-noise-ridden that we all jumped out of our skins. The co-pilot apologised for his colleague over the public address system.

During this visit, I wrote a rather insensitive lyric, given the circumstances, about WWF’s then patron, Prince Philip.

All Things Wild And Shootable, NewsRevue Lyric, 30 September 1993

I’m pretty sure it did eventually find its way into NewsRevue…

…but not on the particular Thursday evening of my return. The lyric was scribbled in my diary while I was away and I can see from my electronic log that I typed it up and saved it c19:15 on the evening of my return.

So I probably took the script with me to the Canal Cafe that very evening, printed out on the rudimentary line printer I had at home at that time. Yes, for sure I did rush to the Canal Cafe that night, grabbing a Thai meal on the way, to catch the opening night of a new run and to drop off my new script.

There’s dedication to both work and play. Not so sure about the rest.

A Needly Appointment With Dr Rasheed, Colville Health Clinic, Followed By Pampering At Janie’s Place, Sandall Close, 17 September 1993

A public domain image, not actually Dr Rasheed preparing to jab me.

Janie and I were preparing to go to China, Hong Kong & Bali in the late summer of 1993. An element of prophylaxis was called for, including some vaccination. In particular, we both needed a typhoid jab; I hadn’t had one of those since 1979.

My track record with vaccination was not (and is not) a glorious one. I am a true believer and always take recommended vaccines, but I get irrationally nervous for jabs. One especially ignominious example from my infanthood (some time in the mid-1960s) is contained in the prelude to this (here or below) weird, other story:

Strange Case Of Dr Green And Mr Knipe…And Beluga Caviar And Scotch Whisky And A Bust Of Hitler, c22 December 1981

For those who choose not to read the above, Dr Green ended up under the dining room table at Woodfield Avenue giving a terrified, bolting infant-version of me one of my childhood jabs in the buttock.

Further, my previous experience with typhoid vaccination, in 1979 ahead of my visit to Mauritius, had not been a great experience. It had left me feeling very sore and a bit poorly for a couple of days.

I therefore planned my typhoid jabs with precision, arranging a Friday end of the day appointment so I could drive straight over to Janie’s, where she had promised to look after me and help me convalesce from the jab.

I seem to recall that she made soup for the purpose. Chicken might have been involved as well. We’d been going out for over a year by then and in any case she had insight into the quintessential cultural mores.

Prophylactic, therapeutic, palliative…chicken soup has got the lot

While all that tender loving care was being prepared in my honour, a trembling version of me turned up at the Colville Health Centre to see Dr Rasheed at 17:40.

Dr Rasheed was a locum, I believe. My regular GP at that time was Dr Catherine Mok. I used to refer to my regular GP as “Mok The Afflicted”, but only because I was addicted to puns. She was a very good GP in my view.

Are you all right?…

…asked Dr Rasheed, perhaps concerned by this trembling wreck of a patient.

Sorry, doctor. I’m a total wimp when it comes to jabs.

Hmmm. Well, the really cowardly people don’t turn up for jabs at all. What are you afraid of?

It’s irrational, doctor, I realise that. But actually, in the matter of this typhoid vaccination, I get a bad reaction to it, so I am anticipating feeling very sore and a bit poorly this weekend.

Dr Rasheed looked puzzled.

When did you last have a typhoid vaccination?

1979, when I went to Mauritius.

Dr Rasheed laughed.

We don’t use those antiquated vaccines any more. You haven’t had Typhim before. You might get a little soreness at the site but side effects are all-but unheard of now.

Back when a jab was really a jab. You knew about it for days. That’s what I call a jab.

It was all over in the batting of an eyelid. I felt like a total fraud as I was driving to Janie’s place, anticipating some 24 hours of tender loving care, realising that my chances of actually feeling poorly were vanishingly small.

Cushions, plumped up pillows, gentle entreaties of the “how are you feeling now?” variety…

…so for how long did I milk that TLC situation before coming clean to Janie that I had been worrying about some obsolete vaccine from a bygone era and didn’t feel sore and poorly at all with this one?

That’s between me, my conscience and Janie.

After the big reveal. Does Janie look pleased?

Comedy In The Zone, An Unintentional Sketch In Earls Court, Then Canal Cafe Theatre For Swing Low Sweet Testicles by Noel Christopher, Then NewsRevue Christmas Run, 17 December 1992

I was reminded of this day in conversation with John Random in February 2021. I have just received a bundle of scripts and ephemera from Erica Stanton, Chris Stanton’s widow, including materials pertaining to the show, Swing Low Sweet Testicles.

John reflected on the show and mentioned a diary note about promoting the show on 15 December. I remembered seeing the show at that time, checked my diary and discovered that I saw the show on 17 December.

Below is the B-Side of the flyer for that show. The reviews must relate to an earlier Noel Christopher extravaganza, known simply as The Show, scripts for which also arrived in Erica’s bundle.

Swing Low Sweet Testicles itself mustered at least one decent review:

Can’t imagine where City Limits got that date range from – it ran from December 9th 1992 to January 17th 1993.

The cast and crew were NewsRevue stalwarts and most had been somewhat involved in my early successes with that mob.

Brian Jordan, who directed “Testicles“, had debuted my material at Edinburgh that summer, with The Ultimate Love Song in his show Whoops Vicar Is That Your Dick? He was partial to a good nob title, was Brian.

Even earlier in my so-called writing career, the late great Chris Stanton had been the first professional performer to tread the boards with one of my lyrics.

I don’t think that Cliff Kelly had yet overlapped with my material in NewsRevue, but I might be mistaken.

Chloe Lucas had done a magnificent job of belting my Coal Digger song in the Autumn NewsRevue run preceding Swing Low Sweet Testicles. I’m pretty sure that the Coal Digger song, along with a couple of my others, was in the Christmas run of NewsRevue which I saw (for a second time) after Testicles.

Anyway, I rather enjoyed Swing Low Sweet Testicles. I was partial to Noel’s writing and was glad of the opportunity to see some of his less-topical, more-enduring material.

Below is the programme for the NewsRevue show that night, which I stayed on to see for a second time, having seen the opening night on 26 November.

Earlier That Day…Getting Into The Zone

My diary also records a memorable working day. Memorable for inadvertent, comedic reasons.

I was working as a management consultant for Binder Hamlyn at that time. On that day, I accompanied the National VAT Partner, Alan Buckett, to visit a large European Manufacturing Group, whose UK headquarters were out on the M4 corridor, to help them get their heads around something or other.

We were done with that by lunchtime and Alan suggested stopping for a bite to eat in Earls Court – a convenient stop on the way back to the City for him and a short hop to home for me, as I had an early-evening engagement with Testicles and didn’t want to go back to the City.

Alan parked his car and we walked down the Earls Court Road, in search of a wine bar/restaurant someone had recommended to him.

Ah, there it is…

…said Alan, striding towards the place he had been aiming towards.

But instead of walking down the stairs to, as I could see it, the entrance to the wine bar in question, Alan marched up the stairs and into…

Clonezone. I believe it is accurate to describe that particular store as a Gay fetishist fashion emporium.

35 Years Of Clonezone

I tried to stop him, but Alan had his stomp on and disappeared into the shop.

I waited outside for what seemed ages but was probably only a few seconds.

The tall, besuited Alan, who normally looked every inch a City gent, retreated from Clonezone rather sheepishly.

I smiled.

Alan and I went into the wine bar restaurant for a light lunch and a debrief.

Towards the end of the lunch, Alan said,

When you get back to the office, I’d just prefer it if you didn’t mention…

…I said that his Clonezone secret was safe with me. Alan is long-since retired now and I’m pretty sure, if he remembers the story at all, it’d be the funny side of it that has stuck in his mind.

Alan might well have shocked the clones within as much as they (and the place) shocked him.

Music At Oxford At The Old Royal Naval College, 9 June 1992

I was reminded of this evening when John Random and I visited the Old Royal Naval College and toured the Painted Hall ceiling in January 2018 – click here or below for that story:

If It Ain’t Baroque…Don’t Fix It, A Day Out With John Random, Old Royal Naval College, Greenwich,18 January 2018

I mentioned to John during that 2018 visit that I had attended (nay, even been part of the hosting group for) a concert in 1992, around the time, strangely, that John Random and I first met.

I did recall that I had seen Evelyn Glennie perform that evening and that it had been a BDO Binder Hamlyn event as part of my old firm’s sponsorship of Music at Oxford. But the rest I couldn’t recall and I felt a bit silly about that, because I knew that I would have kept the programme at least and that it was all lined up to be Ogblogged…eventually. I should have dug out the bumf before the 2018 visit.

Anyway, curiosity got the better of me a few days later and I dug out the programme. Indeed, not only the programme but, inside the programme, instructions from the BDO Binder Hamlyn marketing department telling me what to do.

Here’s the programme:

Below is a link to a pdf of the instruction pack for hosts. There is even a copy of the form you needed to fill in if you wanted to arrive in Greenwich by boat.

Instruction pack for hosts – including boat form – click here.

People who know me through Z/Yen and associate “me and boats” in the context of our many Lady Daphne boat trips over the years, might be surprised to realise that I chose not to arrive by boat…those who know me a bit better than that in the matter of boats will be far less surprised.

Those who want a laugh about what happened the last time I was “conned” into transferring by boat will enjoy the following piece – click here or below:

Nicaragua, Morgan’s Rock to Mukul, 16 February 2016

A common theme to all the elements of this story so far is Michael Mainelli, who was/is:

the BDO Binder Hamlyn partner who led on the Music at Oxford sponsorship/marketing events,
my business partner at Z/Yen who owned and led on the Lady Daphne boat trips thing,
someone who, coincidentally, visited Morgan’s Rock in Nicaragua with his family (though not Mukul, which didn’t exist back then) a few years before Janie and I went there.

Anyway, I got a chance to interview Michael about the Music at Oxford event yesterday (25 January 2018). His main regret was that he couldn’t recall who he took as his date that year to Music at Oxford. Our conversation then side-tracked onto the loony rule that Binder Hamlyn had (and many firms still have) prohibiting intra-firm romances. Michael was already going out with Elisabeth back then but it was a secret, closely guarded by several dozen of the several hundred Binder Hamlyn staff and partners. So Michael had to take a decoy date to events like this instead.

Once we got over that digression, Michael recalled that this particular event was rather a ground-breaking one. Certainly it was the first time that we had taken a Music at Oxford concert beyond Oxford. But Michael thinks it might have been the first (or certainly one of the first) commercially sponsored concerts to take place at the Old Royal Naval College Chapel.

Michael also recalls that Evelyn Glennie was very pleasant company over dinner after the concert.

Here is an interesting little vid about Evelyn Glennie:

Here is a little vid of the percussion and timpani cadenzas from the Panufnik Concertino that Glennie played that night in the chapel – but this is some other people playing. It is a bit noisy:

But the Old Royal Naval College Chapel is a Baroque building of great beauty, so you might want to imagine the sole baroque piece we heard that night, Bach’s Ricecare a 6 from A Musical Offering. Here is a sweet vid of the Croating Baroque Ensemble performing it:

But surely the last word should go to John Random. Because, strangely, that 1992 spring/summer was when John and I met – through NewsRevue. John was the first director to have my comedy material performed professionally – click here or below for one of the better examples from that season:

You Can’t Hurry Trusts, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 May 1992

On spotting that we also heard a piece by Antonín Dvořák in the Old Royal Naval College that summer’s night in 1992, I was also reminded of one of John Random’s lyrics from that same summer. Because that was the summer that Czechoslovakia split into the Czech Republic and Slovakia. John wrote a superb lyric to the tune of Slow Hand by The Pointer Sisters, which included the wonderful couplet:

Not a compatriot of Dvořák,

I want a lover who’s a Slovak.

1992 was a seminal summer in so many ways.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Earlier That Day…Getting Into The Zone

Share this:

Share this: