I’m not sure about signing myself off as Z/Ian. I think Ben must have been taking the piss out of our (then quite new) company name.
Ben Murphy 7 March 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
YET MORE STUFF
I’ve tried to call you but you aren’t in. I enclose some new stuff – hope you like it. Still thinking about the other stuff for you.
How’s the tape coming along? Is the tape coming along? Do send those old tapes: I am still getting a trickle of interest from across the pond on the information superhighway.
By March 1995 it was nearly five years since I’d had a TV in my flat. This rendered me suitably non-expert to opine on pretentious-sounding TV shows I’d never seen.
Especially disloyal of me, this one, as I was indirectly doing a bit of work for Channel 4 at that time.
I don’t think this lyric was used much, if at all, but it is short and sharp; I like it, especially the first verse.
POT NIGHT
(To the Tune of “Top Cat”)
VERSE 1
Pot Night;
The ineffectual,
Pot Night;
When intellectual,
Berks drone ever on Channel 4,
About their spliff back in ’64.
Pot Night,
Cos Channel 4 are so desperate to offend;
You’ll get eight hours of shit,
But you won’t get a hit,
So turn off, tune out,
Pot Night.
VERSE 2
Red Light;
The institution says,
Red Light;
For prostitution’s a-,
‘Nother ponderous Channel 4 theme,
Someone dreamed up in a wet dream.
Red Light,
It’s unbelievable but they’ve made it dull;
Bores on sex, bores on drugs,
Someone please pull the plug,
And show Channel 4
A Red Light!!
If you want to see the opening sequence, sing along yourself and see the Top Cat lyrics/music, then click the first vid. If you want to hear the original song sung, click the second. Well worth a look/listen at both:
Naturally I gave it the NewsRevue treatment in song. I think this one was used and ran for some time.
BYE BYE BARINGS
(To the Tune of “Bye Bye Baby”)
INTRO
CHIEF EXEC: We’re very broad minded here at Barings, Mr Leeson, and we’ve been in the banking business for hundreds of years. So just calmly explain to me this little bit of difficulty you’ve got into in Singapore.
LEESON: If you hate me after what I say – can’t put it off any longer – just gotta tell you anyway….
LEESON: You’re the one merchant bank I’ve worked for,
Now the press call me “wanker” “berk” for free,
You’re all blaming me -ee-ee-ee.
CHIEF EXEC: You’re our top trading Singaporer,
You screwed up and now we’re all poorer
LEESON: I got trust so you went bust – oh dear!
CHORUS & VERSE 2
Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, went out in style; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};
LEESON: Thought derivatives would be daring,
CHIEF EXEC: What a balls up! We’re now “Ball Barings” see!
We’re here on page three, (holds up Sun)
LEESON: Is that me?
I just bought a few put swap options,
Can I repay through my wage deductions?
CHIEF EXEC: This event means we’re all spent so
CHIEF EXEC: Leeson, you’re a profligate, spendthrift and you know how to line your own pockets using options. You’re promoted. Welcome to the board.
LEESON: Thank you very much sir. Blackout
Originally by the Four Seasons, but the Bay City Rollers version is better known in the UK.
Not especially topical then (or now) but I rather like this lyric, not least for its excellent fit with the tune it likes to use. I even made myself laugh out loud briefly when testing the first chorus.
BLOODY ARROWS
(To the Tune of “Little Arrows”)
VERSE 1
There’s a board, a little board,
With some wire and numbers too,
These darts must appeal to someone,
But the question is: to who?
And you see there’s no escape,
Cos on your late night TV sports,
You’ll see big fat gits play arrows,
With their pints as big as quarts.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Here they come pouring out of the loo,
With their trousers all size 52;
They’re on the oche again!
On the oche again!
CHORUS 1
You get arrows on Granada,
You get arrows Channel 4;
On Sky Sports you get arrows till you can’t watch any more;
You get arrows on the BBC repeated time again,
Video them arrows accidentally every now and then.
Wha-a-at a pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHORUS 2
Bloody arrows on the telly,
Bloody arrows, here’s the rub;
You’ll still get bloody arrows if you go off down the pub;
And they rope you into playing even if your blind and lame,
Cos them pricks you get with arrows are a bloody awful pain.
Here’s the Leapy Lee version, with lyrics set out underneath the vid if you click through:
I’ve never much liked rugby and in this lyric I gave the sport the treatment.
But I don’t think this lyric ever made the NewsRevue cut.
RUGBY LOVE
(To the Tune of “Puppy Love”)
(The player/singer should be as heavily bandaged and crutch-ridden as scene change time will allow)
VERSE 1
And they call it rugby love,
Oh I guess you’ll never know;
Why I’m face down in the mud,
In the winter rain and snow.
VERSE 2
Yes, they call it rugby love,
Just because we’re such a team;
If I crush you with my studs,
Its just the way I let off steam.
MIDDLE EIGHT
I cry each night,
But I’m tough as nails, right?
Like the nails in my limbs for to pin.
I hope and I pray,
I heal and can play,
At the one {at the one}
Sport sometimes {sport sometimes}
England win {play the one sport sometimes England win}.
VERSE 3
Someone help me, help me, help me please,
I got crushed bad in the scrum;
When some bastard grabbed my ball,
And some prick squashed up my bum.
{Yes some prick squashed up his bum}.
VERSE 4
Someone help me, help me, help me please,
Is the answer up above? (Chorus holds a sign over his head which reads “Testosterone Kid”, “Lunatic”, “Woofter” or anything else that might raise a laugh)
When I’m rucking with my team,
It is not a rugby love.
{It is not a rugby love}.
Here’s Donny on YouTube, with the lyrics in the text underneath if you load it in YouTube proper:
This looked all neat and tidy with an Amipro table at the end of it; the best I can do now is to turn the table into a list of submissions.
But you’ll get the idea.
I was getting into co-writing a bit at that time; a couple on this submission – never worked quite as well as I’d hoped it would.
John Random was quite regularly directing runs in those days; perhaps one a year or more. John will know.
John Random
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
MARCH-APRIL 1995 RUN
Dear John
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show but mainly previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
have i the right (co-written with John Cowen)/have i the right/honeycombs – New
i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers – New
privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle – 4-6
the peanut farmer/the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New
tory rebel (co-written with d a barham)/ rebel rebel/david bowie – New
gillian shepherd/jennifer eccles/hollies – New
oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine – 1-3
why do you want to break our ties with clause 4?/what do you want make those eyes at me for?/emile ford and the checkmates – 1-3
Large lotteries were banned a while ago here,
To stop us betting everything we’ve got;
But now there’s mega-profits that could flow here,
From Camelot.
VERSE 2
Accounting firms who framed the deal made packets,
Consultancies have earned an awful lot;
Solicitors have got in on the racket,
They planned the lot.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1
Punt a lot, Camelot,
My tickets lost again;
Camelot, damn the lot!,
The problem’s Number 10.
VERSE 3
The razzmatazz has sure failed to delight us,
Noel Edmunds and his cronies should be shot;
More likely Necrotising Faciitis,
Than win a lot.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
Win a lot, win a lot?
This country’s going to the dogs;
Gamble lots, Camelot,
Like Irish, Greeks and Frogs.
OUTRO
They say they’ll donate loads to worthy causes,
And half the take in prizes reappears;
But they won’t have forgot, the most auspicious lot,
By far the biggest winner of the year is Camelot.
Here is Richard Burton chatting his way through the Camelot song, with the lyric on the screen:
A strange fragment document on my computer – I usually scribbled things on jotters in those days.
Guy kicked – frog in his throat
leg over down the palace
the nut’s named eric
son of preacher man
let’s stay together
you never can tell
pulp fiction – quentin tarrantino
I’ll guess that I typed a few phrases while chatting with Ben on the phone. Mostly meaningless to me now. But clearly this was the seed of my Tarrantino lyric, which Ben loved, used a lot and indeed recorded, albeit with a great deal of his own lyrical variations thrown in; not least because he performed in politer company than NewsRevue.
I’ll up my lyrics when I get to them. In the meantime, here is Ben’s wonderful version of Tarrantino while you wait.
Hmmm, I wonder whether I kept that tape of Ben Murphy’s out-takes – they sound like fun. Another mini Ogblog project for the jotter.
I recommend that Ben records Donald and Lydia in this letter and Ben complies – see MP3 below the letter. What power of persuasion I must have had. Such a shame he ignored my other requests.
I still really like For What It’s Worth – one of my first baritone ukulele efforts and I still play it quite a lot.
Ben Murphy 16 February 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
THE PROMISED STUFF
It was good to talk to you last night. I enclose the stuff I promised and shall think about the other stuff.
The songs from your out-takes I really liked were:
For What It’s Worth (number one request)
The Irish Rover
Dreaming just comes natural (or something – C&W number about about Lydia & Donald – I really like it)
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Encs.
Here is Ben Murphy’s clear and crisp recording of Donald and Lydia:
But if you’d prefer to hear (or want to hear as well) John Prine’s wonderful original version:
I can usually tell now why songs were unused, but some were most unjustly overlooked…like this one.
Perhaps a bit too much going on in one item? Still, pearls before swine, were some of these lyrics. Ian Paisley singing “come right back to 1690” should have been performed.
I co-wrote this one with John Cowen. Perhaps that explains why so much is going on in one lyric.
John Random might choose to explain why this one was unused, as it transpires it was submitted to him.
HAVE I THE RIGHT
(To the Tune of “Have I The Right?”)
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
Have I the right behind me?
Or will the rebels gag and bind me,
Will Tebitt ever ever stop;
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the right invectives,
Bastard and dimwit are ineffective,
So I might soon be for the chop.
(Sing along now, entourage, yes, both of you)
CHORUS 1 – JOHN MAJOR & HIS ENTOURAGE
Come right back, you Eurosceptics,
You’re loud and mad and you’re apoplectic,
Come right back, to 32 Smith Square (oh yeh);
Come right back, rejoin our party,
Or we’ll get Blair and his arty-fartys,
Slick right back like Mike Portillo’s hair (oh yeh).
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
Have I the right wing morons?
The Teddy Taylors and Theresa Gormans,
I wish that I was reassured,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the Ulster crazies?
The Molyneauxs and the Ian Paisley’s,
They’re angry with my peace accord;
CHORUS 2 – IAN PAISLEY
Come right back to 1690,
We won at Boyne and we’re part of Blighty,
Come right back to Ulster Union (oh yus);
Come right back, to times medieval,
Talks with the Irish are a damn-ed evil,
Come far right or you will soon be gone, (oh yus), (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
ALL: Soon be gone, oh yeh, (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
Soon be gone.
If you want to hear the Honeycombs and see their lyrics, click below.
