Just sometimes a slow number would be a huge hit in NewsRevue. Privatise was one of those – it was in the show for yonks and frequently got the audience going big time.
One of my best ever lyrics in my opinion. At times (e.g. now in 2017) it could be in the show still.
Beware friends; the chords look straightforward I’ll be working this one up on the baritone ukulele myself.
PRIVATISE
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)
VERSE 1
Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.
VERSE 2
There is cold comfort for staff,
And hot gas from the mighty;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking them clean,
With pay rise extremes.
CHORUS 1
Privatise,
Post, health and power,
Privatise,
Industry, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.
CHORUS 2
Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.
The tune is Bright Eyes; here is Art Garfunkle’s delightful rendering:
I also wrote an update 28 May 1996:
PRIVATISE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)
VERSE 1
Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.
VERSE 2
There is outsourcing for staff,
And increase for directors;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking us clean,
With pay rise extremes.
CHORUS 1
Privatise,
Trains, health and power,
Privatise,
Military, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.
CHORUS 2
Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.
Odd one, this. I don’t have a printed copy on file and it has a slightly unfinished feel to it – I’m not sure I ever finished/submitted it.
One or two good lines, though.
2-4-6-8 INTERNET
(To the Tune of “2-4-6-8 Motorway”)
VERSE 1
Whizz kid sitting pretty with a new style Pentium,
Ain’t no 486 , you get speed on your side;
Ain’t no use unless Intel’s been ammending ’em,
Unless you never want to long divide.
CHORUS 1
And it’s 2-4-6-8 Internet,
Me and my modem buzzing all through the night;
3-5-7-9 bug on the line,
Superhighway, crashed, got a warning light.
VERSE 2
Well there ain’t better news if you choose to cruise the Compuserve,
And World-Wide-Web’s like astronomy in a smog;
No one knows if this highway’s leading nowhere,
Cos most people still think Kermit’s just a frog.
CHORUS 2
So let’s start a British Internet,
Too few modems, all get stuck in a jam;
3-5-7-9 work on the line,
Highway’s shut, use an envelope and a stamp.
Here is the Tom Robinson Band singing 2-4-6-8 Motorway, with lyrics on the screen:
I don’t mean “my first flame” in the romance sense. Good heavens no. I was over 20 when Africa was released as a single, in my third year at Keele.
No, no, no, I mean my first internet flame.
I started using the internet in the second half of 1994, while setting up Z/Yen, primarily because I/we expected it eventually to be useful for business.
But there wasn’t much going on commercially on the net in those days, so, to get into the swing of using the net, I used it quite extensively for my personal interests. Not least, at that time, subscribing to some Usenet groups that I thought would help me with my development of comedy lyrics, including one where people simply discussed the lyrics of songs.
One correspondent on that lyrics group stated that Africa by Toto was their favourite lyric of all time. That posting made me recall the spring of 1983 and the way that my flatmate, Alan “The Great Yorkshire Pudding” Gorman and I would mimic the line
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti,
which at the time we thought might be the most pretentious lyrical line ever, not least because it barely rhymes with “solitary company” and also barely scans the beat of the song. You sort of need to rush through that line like a broadside balladeer or a calypso singer with too much to say and not enough beats in which to say it.
I made these points about Africa by Toto on that Usenet group and then went about my business for the next 12 or perhaps even 24 hours, as was the dial-up method in those days.
When I returned to the group, I had been comprehensively flamed by the Africa-lover. Their beef was only partly a disagreement with my feelings about the lyric, which was understandable. It was primarily a character assassination suggesting that I was not qualified to discuss that lyric, on the basis that I had failed correctly to transcribe the line in question.
That line actually reads, “as sure as Kilimanjaro rises like a lepress above the Serengeti”,
explained the angry song-lover.
In those days, there was no Google or YouTube or Wikipedia or on-line repository of lyrics to turn to. But I couldn’t even work out what a “lepress” might be. Nor why anything other than “Olympus” might make sense as the simile in question. I even spent a few minutes looking through the dictionary to see if there was a word which had slipped my mind, the feminine form of which might be lepress and make sense in context. The only word I could think of that might take the feminine form “lepress” was “leper”, which didn’t make sense to me in context.
I made these points on the Usenet group and then went about my business for the next 12 or perhaps even 24 hours.
When I returned to the group, I had been even more comprehensively flamed by the Africa-lover.
You know ******* well that a lepress is a female leopard. Don’t be so ******* insulting.
The flamer had also acquired one or two supporters who joined in the flaming, mostly on the grounds that they like the song, a view which I find fair and with which I have some sympathy. I also sort-of like the song; it’s just that one line that has always grated on me and was the source of our 1983 mirth.
But also, by now, I had acquired quite a few supporters, some of whom were supporting the logic of my specific argument about the lyric, while others were simply arguing that I was entitled to my opinion and that the purpose of the group was, after all, to debate lyrics.
I also received a private message with a plea from one of the group’s moderators, who told me that she felt that I had been unfairly flamed but asked me to post a conciliatory message to try to calm the group down. She was asking me to do this, she said, because she sensed that I was the more likely of the combatants to acquiesce to her request.
I thought about the moderator’s conciliation request, while also consulting my English and American dictionaries, to try to work out what a female leopard might actually be called. “A leopardess”, since you asked. I also listened to Africa by Toto again, just to see if I could detect anything other than “Olympus” in that line.
So I did post a conciliatory note.
I apologised to the original poster for my not liking the Africa lyric as much as they did. I apologised to any females or lepers who had been offended by my attempt to define the mystery word “lepress”. I asserted that the female leopard is a leopardess in both English and American usage. I suggested a compromise lyric, with neither Olympus nor lepress, which might just make sense and satisfy everyone’s sensibilities:
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like a left breast above the Serengeti.
I dialed-in to that group a couple more times over the next day or so to watch the flaming discussion peter out. Then I unsubscribed from that group.
Anyway, here is Africa by Toto with the lyrics shown in all their glory and accuracy on the screen.
Traditions have to start somewhere; this was the first Z/Yen Seasonal party lyric.
I’d forgotten about this one until I found it in my electronic lyric archive, dated 9 December 1994. Reading the lyric brought it all back to me. I previously thought the lyric for the second seasonal party was the first lyric, probably because that is the earliest one that found its way to the Z/Yen web site. We’ll put that right soon enough.
We sang the following at the first ever seasonal gathering of Z/Yen, on 16 December 1994. We were at the Paris House, Woburn, same venue as the following year. A plaintiff little song; I rather like it. Very different in style and tone to later Z/Yen seasonal songs.
Elisabeth, Michael and Katie
We had a meeting and a Shareholders’ Agreement signing ceremony before dinner, although Michael couldn’t subscribe to Z/Yen until a couple of months later. I think he might be going through the Christmas card list in the photo above.
Steve at Paris House in 1994
Stuart subscribing, Janie in the background.
Z/YEN
(To the Tune of “Ben”)
VERSE 1
Z/Yen, the group of us need look no more,
We have founded what we’re looking for;
Tense, and some might say up tight,
We’re working half the night,
Because, my friends, you see,
We’ve got our Main-ell-i
(You’ve got your Mainelli).
From February……… allegedly…..
VERSE 2
Z/Yen, we’re always running here and there,
(Here and there),
That’s why we’ve all lost half of our hair,
(Half of your hair);
Then a project falls behind,
And we’re all hard to find,
But somehow, as you know,
We always make a go.
(The weekend tends to go).
MIDDLE EIGHT
We used to say, “we are bored”,
Now it’s “risk and reward”;
You used to seek dark and rest
Now it’s light, now it’s zest.
VERSE 3
Z/Yen, although we are still very small,
(Very small),
We can puff it up if we talk big,
(if you talk balls);
When, you learn the things we do,
You’ll all want to join too,
So, if we’d start again,
We’d still form a firm like Z/Yen.
Here is Michael Jackson singing Ben, with the lyrics on the screen:
I sent Mike stuff for his New Year Revels shows for several years, sometimes wrote material to order (from memory, not that year) and occasionally attended with Janie.
No need to redact the address for this correspondence – the premises was fire-bombed in 2001, soon after Casablanca The Musical brought the house down – another story.
Apologies for the rogue apostrophes in the correspondence below – I was young and foolish back then.
Mike Ward 23 November 1994
Actor’s Workshop
West Grove Terrace
Hopwood Lane
Halifax, West Yorkshire
HX1 5EX
Dear Mike
NEW YEAR REVELS
Thank you for your letter, cheque and note re Save The Children Fund. I hope the preparation for your show is going well. I enclose my invoice (VAT regulations, who needs ’em?).
I look forward to hearing from you / seeing you soon.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
enc.
The enc:
FAO Mike Ward Date: 23 November 1994
Actor’s Workshop Tax point: 23 November 1994
West Grove Terrace
Hopwood Lane
Halifax, West Yorkshire
HX1 5EX
INVOICE TO: Actor’s Workshop
ACCOUNT REF: AW01
INVOICE NO: 02008
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the New Year Revels show scheduled for January 1995.
£
ROYALTIES 34.04
VAT @ 17.5% 5.96
————-
TOTAL £40.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
…and one more letter…
Mike Ward 29 November 1994
Actor’s Workshop
West Grove Terrace
Hopwood Lane
Halifax, West Yorkshire
HX1 5EX
Dear Mike
NEW YEAR REVELS -TAPE
Thank you for the call yesterday. I enclose the tape you requested. If you need anything else, do get in touch.
I’m not sure what happened with this one, but the log dates it as above whereas the electronic file is dated July 1995. Perhaps just a tiny tweak and resubmission, probably in vain.
Slow numbers need to be spot on. I don’t think this one is.
NEWT GINGRICH
(To the Tune of “Moon River”)
SPOKEN INTRO
BILL: For the sake of harmony on Capitol Hill, I am prepared to listen to any ideas the new speaker, Newt Gingrich, might wish to advance.
NEWT: Mr President, your wife’s a bitch!
(Immediately, an incessant female nonsense whine starts across the PA)
BILL: (to off) Yes, Hillary, I’ll tell that ass-hole where to get off, don’t you worry your pretty little bitch of head about that, he ain’t getting away with that remark.(To Newt) With all due respect, Mr Gingrich, that’s not quite the kind of harmony I had in mind. Try this for size.
VERSE 1 – BILL CLINTON
Newt Gingrich,
What a crazy name,
Competing for my fame and cares;
New speaker,
And rule tweaker,
The house that you’re chairing’s preparing for prayers.
(Hillary starts again with the whining)
BILL: Yes, Hillary, I’m telling him, I’m telling him good and proper.
VERSE 2 – BILL CLINTON
Two parties try to share the power,
But you’re so gruff and sour, please see;
We’re after the same rainbow’s end,
Let me tax and spend,
Then you can be friend,
Newt Gingrich and me.
VERSE 3 – NEWT GINGRICH
Bill Clinton off to save the world,
You chase your tail and girls loosely;
I’m after a sane rainbow’s end,
Although I’m round the bend,
My cuts will never mend,
Newt Gingrich, that’s me.
Here is Moon River with the lyrics set out below the vid:
Ben Murphy is/was a very funny fellow and I enjoyed doing business with him. But several of the NewsRevue writers struggled with him, usually at the “getting paid” level.
He certainly wasn’t very business-like (but then nor are some of the NewsRevue lot), so I suspect that my correspondence felt a bit more urgent to him.
I always got paid eventually, for as long as he wanted more material, as I’d simply withhold new stuff until I was paid for the old stuff after a while.
The other problem dealing with him was working out where he was. He moved around a lot, partly for summer season purposes but possibly for other reasons. I hope he didn’t pay me rather than the rent that month…perhaps that explains the move.
I got paid and got continuing business for a couple more years. Ben started calling me Z/Ian after the second of the letters below.
Ben Murphy 12 October 1994
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
SONGS
As promised, Ben, here are those new songs. Hope you can use them..
Looking forward to receiving the dosh soon. Hope to increase my volume of output again shortly – so watch this space.
Do let me have your new address and phone number a.s.a.p. Speak to you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
encs
…and with a little more urgency…
Ben Murphy 15 November 1994
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
Thank you for the telephone message that I have just received. I hope this letter gets to you, as your message did not identify your new address and telephone number.
I enclose copies of my fee notes (bloody yuppie he’s becoming) and copies of the very small number of new songs I’ve produced since we last spoke (nice guy ‘tho’, how could you possibly hate him on principle?).
I shall resort to private detectives and all sorts of shit unless I get a new address and telephone number out of you by the end of the month. I’ve just got to get these new songs to you!!
Love and kisses.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Encs.
…and the invoices…
INVOICE
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Ben Murphy Date: 12 September 1994
Tax point:14 August 1994
(Wells address redacted)
INVOICE TO: Ben Murphy
ACCOUNT REF: MU01
INVOICE NO: 02003
In respect of songs and sundry patter for your summer season, May to 12 August 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 150.00
VAT – NIL (PRE REGISTRATION) –
LESS: ADVANCE PAID 25.00
————-
TOTAL £125.00
========
This amount is now due. Many thanks in advance of your prompt attention.
INVOICE – FILE COPY VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Ben Murphy Date: 12 September 1994
Taxpoint: 12 September 1994
(Wells address redacted)
INVOICE TO: Ben Murphy
ACCOUNT REF: MU01
INVOICE NO: 02004
In respect of songs and sundry patter for your summer season, mid August to September 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 25.53
VAT @ 17.5% 4.47
————-
TOTAL £30.00
========
This amount is now due. Many thanks in advance of your prompt attention.
Presumably someone found a yeti’s remains in Hunan province.
I don’t think this lyric made it into NewsRevue.
BLACK YETI
(A Quickie To the Tune of “Black Betty”)
VERSE ONE
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
The Yeti has been seen – Hunan man,
In a Chinese ravine – Hunan man;
He’s abominable -Hunan man,
And he finds it hard to pull – Hunan man;
We’ll make his mark -wo-oh Black Yeti,
A Chinese theme park – wo-oh Black Yeti;
Hunan man.
VERSE TWO
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
Boy that Yeti was mean – Hunan man
Fried up with yellow bean – Hunan man;
Black Yeti was a male – Hunan man,
We threw him in jail – Hunan man;
Without a trial – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Chinese style – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Human rights.
Sorry, human rights is off. Try number 23 – summary execution without trial or appeal.
Here is Ram Jam singing Black Betty with lyrics on the screen:
This was one of my favourites at the time and it got a long run in NewsRevue. Michael Heseltine was Trade and Industry Secretary…but I couldn’t spell Heseltine.
Unemployment was high back then.
I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER JOB
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Find Another You”)
INTRO
You remember The Seekers, you remember The New Seekers, now meet The Job Seekers!
VERSE 1
There is new work some place,
But God alone knows where;
I might find work some day,
But I may have to share.
It is hurtful and demeaning,
When folk say I’m a slob;
Cos they know I’ll never find another job.
VERSE 2
While the rich get richer,
The poor will get more poor;
Now the bastard SS,
Won’t pay us any more.
Still they’re filled with awe and wonder,
If poor folk beg and rob;
Cos they know they’ll never find another job.
MIDDLE EIGHT
It’s a long term problem,
So please be more kind;
We can’t all be rich like Michael Hestletine, Hestletine.
VERSE 3
There’s this new scheme Workfare,
To further break our soul;
Cos the day it’s over,
We’re straight back on the dole.
So if I met Peter Lilley,
I’d punch him in the gob;
Cos he knows I’ll never find another job.
OUTRO
And if I could rule the country,
I’d sack that Tory mob;
And make sure they never find another job.
Here is The Seekers singing I’ll Never Find Another You with the lyrics on the screen:
A medley of lyrics about Tory sleaze that work well with early Beatles hit tunes.
I really like the first two lines. The rest isn’t too bad either.
SLEAZE MEDLEY
(To Various Beatles Tunes)
SLEAZE, SLEAZE, DEALS
(To the tune of “Please Please Me”)
Last night I said these words to Michael,
How much must I pay for a title?
A song (a song), you’re on (I’m on), the pong (what pong?), so strong (so strong);
Sleaze, sleaze deals, oh yeh, what questions must I ask?
Papers make their allegations,
“Benefits and compensations” they said,
(Al-Fayed),
Our regime will battle on,
Despite Tim Smith and Hamilton’s
Denoue-ment, yeh, ‘tho’ Neil says that he’ll sue.
MONEY (FOR QUESTIONS ASKED)
(To the tune of “Money , That’s What I Want”)
The best things in life are free,
But we Tories still prefer to sleaze,
Cos we want money (for questions asked)
For questions asked (and weapons passed)
And weapons passed (young Thatcher’s task)
Just ask young Mark (that’s Thatcher’s Mark).
SHE BACKED YOU
(To the tune of “She loves you”)
MAGGIE: You think you’ve sold a gun,
MARK I sold it yesterday-ay;
MAGGIE: You drove out to Oman,
And you got lost on the way-ay.
Your mother backed you,
MARK: So I knew that sheikh would bid;
MAGGIE: Because I backed you,
You have earned 12 million quid
ALL: Oooooohhhhhhhh
CHORUS: She backed him (yeh, yeh ,yeh),
Should have whacked him (yeh, yeh, yeh),
But with a mum like that, we knew he’d turn out bad;
And with a son like that we knew ………….she’d end up………..MAD!!
(Either: BLACKOUT or Yeh yeh yeh, yeh yeh yeh, yeh yeh yeh yeh!!
or perhaps even Blair Blair Blair, Blair Blair Blair, Blair Blair Blair Blair!!!!!)
Here are some YouTubes – the first is a poor live performance but it is The Beatles and has the lyrics underneath the vid if you click through to YouTube proper:
Here is the Barrett Strong version of Money, with lyrics on the screen:
Then back to poor live Beatles with the lyrics underneath if you click through for She Loves You:
