This was one of my favourites at the time and it got a long run in NewsRevue. Michael Heseltine was Trade and Industry Secretary…but I couldn’t spell Heseltine.
Unemployment was high back then.
I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER JOB
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Find Another You”)
INTRO
You remember The Seekers, you remember The New Seekers, now meet The Job Seekers!
VERSE 1
There is new work some place,
But God alone knows where;
I might find work some day,
But I may have to share.
It is hurtful and demeaning,
When folk say I’m a slob;
Cos they know I’ll never find another job.
VERSE 2
While the rich get richer,
The poor will get more poor;
Now the bastard SS,
Won’t pay us any more.
Still they’re filled with awe and wonder,
If poor folk beg and rob;
Cos they know they’ll never find another job.
MIDDLE EIGHT
It’s a long term problem,
So please be more kind;
We can’t all be rich like Michael Hestletine, Hestletine.
VERSE 3
There’s this new scheme Workfare,
To further break our soul;
Cos the day it’s over,
We’re straight back on the dole.
So if I met Peter Lilley,
I’d punch him in the gob;
Cos he knows I’ll never find another job.
OUTRO
And if I could rule the country,
I’d sack that Tory mob;
And make sure they never find another job.
Here is The Seekers singing I’ll Never Find Another You with the lyrics on the screen:
25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.
But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:
_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _
(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you reach the top? A cabinet full of folk who hate yer, Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer; I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you meet Delors? A larger block vote with no concessions, Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions; I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about, Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out; MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do, To get us out of deep deep swine do?
VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES
What do we read in opinion polls? A Nation that says it hates John Major, Careerist MPs will all upstage yer, John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out, Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt; CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley, MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.
VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES
What do you get when your leader falls? Another arsehole with no direction; But still we should win the next election, You’re bound to vote us in again, (God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.
As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.
I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX (To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
VERSE 1 What do you get when you reach the top? A cabinet full of folk who hate yer, Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer; I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
MIDDLE EIGHT Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out, Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt; Some folks say we’re unelectable, Even though we’re Eurosceptical..
VERSE 2 What do we read in opinion polls? A Nation that says it hates John Major, Careerist MPs will all upstage yer, I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen:
