Category: Writing (my writing)

I don’t think this one was used. I wasn’t at my funniest that autumn – I was taking the job of starting up Z/Yen too seriously, probably.

Michael Howard, then Home Secretary, deserved the treatment, though.

MIKE-ILL
(To the Tune of “My Girl”)

VERSE 1 – VILLAIN

I’ve got lobster in a crowded gaol,
When it’s cold outside I still crap in a pail;

CHORUS 1 – STILL WITH THE VILLAIN

I guess you’d say,
Where do crooks behave this way?
Whitemore,
Talking ’bout Whitemore, Whitemore.

VERSE 2 – MICHAEL HOWARD

I’ve got so much money the thieves envy me,
I’ve got privilege aplenty, cos I’m home secretary;

CHORUS 2 – MICHAEL HOWARD

I guess peep-ill,
Think I’m tough on crimin-ills,
Mike-ill,
Diction’s strange, Mike-ill, Mike-ill.

VERSE 3 – TERRORISTS

We don’t need no bar files baked in a cake,
We’ve got Semtex, guns and fittings for bombs that we make;

CHORUS 3

We guess your bloke’s,
Law and order’s Grade A joke,
Michael,
Howard’s crap, Michael, Michael.

Here is The Temptations singing My Girl, with lyrics on the screen:

The log suggests this was written in September but the electronic file is dated 24 October 1994.

This was all around Z/Yen start up time; I don’t recall if it was used or not…it blooming well should have been.

I DON’T WANT TO GO TO HAITI
(To the Tune of “I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea”)

VERSE 1

Photographs of Haiti’s tricks,
Could be as daft as Bay of Pigs;
Bill Clinton smokes but don’t inhale,
He launches fleets but don’t set sail;
We shafted Vietnam and we fucked up the Somalis,
We don’t sit around and talk like your Boutros Boutros Ghalis,
But when we go off to fight we look like a bunch of Charlies;

CHORUS 1

Now Bill and Raoul are in cahoots and matey,
I don’t want to go to Haiti;
Oh no, it’s not strategic,
Don’t want to end up paraplegic;
I don’t want to occupy,
I don’t want my pals to die,
I don’t give a fuck for Haiti.

VERSE 2

Photographs of Clinton’s daughter,
Her nose is bent as Shirley Porter,
She is so spoilt it’s a disgrace,
She wears her teeth in mum’s embrace;
She is a little flirt when she walks out with her waddle,
She’s a real daddies girl but he talks a load of twaddle,
So she can’t walk and fart without getting in a muddle;

CHORUS 2

They say she keeps fit but she looks so unhealthy,
I don’t want to go with Chelsea;
Oh no she won’t get tongue-kissed,
Until she’s seen her orthodontist;
I don’t want to meet her folks,
Those Clintons are a bunch of jokes,
I don’t want to go with Chelsea.

Even if you don’t like my lyric, here is Elvis singing I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea with the lyrics on screen – worth the price of admission alone:

Postscript: proof positive that the lyric was used and that it must have been written in late September 1994 originally. John Random has uncovered the running order from the October 6th week – see below.

They say that comedy = tragedy plus time…

…well this news story about a fatal accident when a Roll-on/roll-off ferry capsized had insufficient time distance to be made into comedy. Or possibly simply couldn’t ever be made into comedy.

I assigned the intellectual property rights to the RNLI for this one, but it never got that far. Still, they’ve had plenty of my dosh other ways since.

_ ROLLING ON, ROLLING OFF _

(To the Tune of “Knowing Me, Knowing You”)

CHORUS

Rolling on, rolling off,
{ah-haaaaaa}
Safety checks were not enough;
Rolling on, rolling off,
{ah-haaaaaa}
The Baltic Sea is cold when you’re in the buff.
{fucking cold when in the buff}
Hyperthermia’s not freezing I know,
But my blood won’t flow;
We were all rolling off,
Cos these ferries are duff.

Below is a video of Abba singing Knowing Me Knowing You with lyrics on the screen:

Another of my personal NewsRevue favourites. Another perennial. It was used a lot in NewsRevue in the mid 1990s.

OLD BOYS

(To the Tune of “Oh Boy”)

 

VERSE 1

All our class,

All our status,

The proletariat rightly hate us;

Old boys, we’re pals from school,

Old boys, I held your tool,

And now you scratch my back.

 

VERSE 2

All our lives,

We’ve been a-waiting,

For high class mutual….fund creating;

Old boys, jobs for our people,

Old boys, we don’t want equal,

Opportunities.

 

MIDDLE EIGHT

DTI say we’ve been a-stealing,

Because we’ve been insider dealing;

We buy shares when they’re low and sell them when they’re high,

With tip offs from chaps in our old school tie.

 

VERSE 3

All through our,

Fine education,

We learnt the best means of exploitation;

Old boys, we are a team,

Old boys, we take the cream,

And milk the country dry.

 

Old boys!!

We’ll put to one side the fact that I sort-of went to the “right” sort of school (Alleyn’s) myself. Suffice it to say that I personally neither indulged in the schoolboy behaviours nor the commercial behaviours described in the lyric. Nor am I aware of any such activity among my fellow alumni from Alleyn’s school.

It’s October 2018 as I write and apparently I can’t do English irony…never could it seems…according to the leader of her majesty’s loyal opposition at least.

Of course the term “DTI” in a UK context is outdated at the time of writing but it doesn’t take much wit to replace that term with, for example, “FCA”.

Here is a video of Buddy Holly & The Crickets singing Oh Boy:

…and the following is the record version with lyrics on the screen:

OLD BOYS – EXECUTIVE PAY REMIX
(To the Tune of “Oh Boy”)

 

VERSE 1

All our class,
All our status,
The proletariat rightly hate us;
Old boys, we’re pals from school,
Old boys, I held your tool,
And now you scratch my back.

VERSE 2

All our lives,
We’ve been a-waiting,
For high class mutual….fund creating;
Old boys, jobs for our people,
Old boys, we don’t want equal,
Opportunities.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Greenbury say’s we’ve raped the nation,
Because we run huge corporations;
Buy options when they’re low and sell them when they’re high,
But only tax the stuff for the small time guy.

VERSE 3

All through our,
Fine education,
We learnt the best means of exploitation;
Old boys, we are a team,
Old boys, we take the cream,
And milk the country dry:
We milk the country dry.

Old boys!!

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
 
                                           SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 1994 RUN
 
Dear Director
 
Despite my efforts, I have not been able to find out who you are yet. No matter, we shall meet soon no doubt. I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings.  The pack consists of new songs, and one or two rewrites of older ones etc. If you want me to work on an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
 
Feel free to call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
 
Good luck and look forward to seeing you soon