Category: Writing (my writing)

I wrote the quoted pieces below for sharing at a leaving do for several BDO Consulting folk who were leaving BDO Binder Hamlyn, including me, although i had technically left the firm at the beginning of that month.

The background to this spoof of The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole might be gleaned from the first part of The Z/Yen Story – click here or below:

Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe First Part – Sumer Is Icomen In, Spring 1994

In short, my firm, BDO Binder Hamlyn, was to be taken over by Arthur Andersen. I didn’t think the latter firm would appreciate my hair style.

Adrian Burn was the Managing Partner of BDO Binder Hamlyn. The character Pandoreuss is Elisabeth Reuss, now Elisabeth Mainelli, who was Adrian’s personal assistant.

Enough background:

THE SECRET DIARY OF ADRIAN BURN AGED 49 3/4 by SUSAN TOWNSLEY-WHITT
 

Tuesday 22 March 1994 
 
I received a visit from a Mr Waddia, a most helpful gentleman from another leading firm of accountants like mine, except his firm is named Arthur Andersen. Mr Waddia is the most important man in Arthur Andersen and he said that he would pay a lot of money for a merger with Binder Hamlyn. He would give several Binder Hamlyn partners (including me!) equity in the merged firm and everyone would be happy. It sounded almost too good to be true, but I asked my friends James, David and John and they all said it sounded simply super and we should go for it. It’s a deal! Hurrah!
 
Monday 28 March 1994 
 
I’m not very pleased today. The Sunday Times has spilled the beans on my splendid deal and lots of my junior partners have quite clearly failed to understand the benefits of the arrangement. I found some of their comments most unhelpful. I had to spend the whole day going round 20 Old Bailey explaining to all those junior partners and their staff oiks that the Andersen’s thing would be good for everybody and no-one would get fired (except for all the people that Mr Waddia told me I would have had to fire anyway). I am now in a foul mood and shall go off and investigate a bit of Queens Moat tomorrow to make myself feel better.
 
Wednesday 30 March 1994 
 
One of my less astute junior partners who is not really my friend, William Casey, turned up in my office today. He had a sun tan and said he had been in Africa on consultancy business (I think that is what he does) until today and had only just got the news. He said that Andersens wouldn’t want a consultancy practice because they already have a big one and what was I going to do about it. I explained the bit about no-one getting fired and several partners getting equity in Andersen’s and he went away looking much happier. I asked my adorable secretary, Pandoreuss, what she thought of it all and she just said “Dumkopf”. I asked my friend Richard what this means and he said it is a compliment a German person gives to you when they think you have done a clever thing. Oh Pandoreuss! I really didn’t know you cared!
 
Monday 22 April 1994
 
I’m a bit miffed today. Mr Waddia says that he will have to pay millions of pounds to BDO so that he can buy Binder Hamlyn. “I hope you’re not expecting much cash or many equity partners, Adam, or else your going to be disappointed”, he said, “and you’d better get rid of a heap of your dead wood partners and managers PDQ”. I didn’t find those comments particularly helpful. I went off to close down a bit more of Queens Moat which took my mind off and made me feel a bit better.
 
Thursday 26 May 1994 
 
Not a very good day. Mr Waddia has spoken to Mr Hall and apparently only two Binder Hamlyn partners will be allowed equity in Arthur Andersen. Fortunately one of them is me (hurrah) and the other is my friend James. Mr Hall has also told Mr Waddia that by the time they have paid BDO to let Binder Hamlyn out, Arthur Andersen can only afford £2.54 for Binder Hamlyn. “I thought you were the most important man in Arthur Andersen, Mr Waddia”, I said. “I am”, he replied, “in Arthur Andersen UK. Mr Hall is the most important man in Andersen Consulting UK. He is a more most important man than I am”. I think I understand. I told Pandoreuss and she just said “du bist ein schtick fleisch” which my friend Richard tells me means that I am a first class negotiator. Oh Pandoreuss! One day you will be mine!
 
Wednesday 10 August 1994 
 
I am not very pleased. Mr Waddia tells me that Mr Burgess has told him that my consultancy cannot call itself a consultancy because only his (Mr Burgess’s) consultancy is allowed to do that. “I thought Mr Hall was the most important man in Andersens”, I said. “He is”, replied Mr Waddia, “in Andersen Consulting UK. Mr Burgess is the most important man in Andersen Consulting Worldwide. Mr Burgess is a more most important man than Mr Hall”. These people really ought to sort themselves out! William (who is not really my friend) went up the wall when I told him. I said that he could revive the incredibly successful former name, Binder Hamlyn Small Fry and he went away seeming happy. These consultancy (sorry, small fry) types just need a few kind words and they are all motivated, networking and selling work like crazy. William must have done a great job after he saw me today, because three strangers called me asking me to give personal references for William. Pandoreuss told me that William “ist ein schlemiel”, which apparently means good salesman. I went off and investigated a bit more of Queens Moat.
 
Tuesday 30 August 1994 
 
I decided to stand up to Mr Waddia. I told him that I was not happy about having to sack 10 of my equity partners and a whole group of managers after all that we had been through together. “Heck, Adam”, he said. “Adrian”, I corrected (I can stick up for myself you know). “I know how you feel, Adrian. I am going to have to sack two of my equity partners in a few months time so I know how uncomfortable you feel.” His words made me feel a lot better (they have a superb manner, these big six types, although we’re more than a match for them, yes indeed). Mr Waddia continued “perhaps you could give me a few tips on how to go about sacking equity partners, I’ve never had to do it before”. It’s good to see that we are already starting to influence the Arthur Andersen Worldwide Organisation.
 
NEXT WEEK:  Adrian Burn, the Wilderness Years.

In addition, I circulated the following “song list”:

AND NOW:  Adrian Burn’s top five favourite records of all time.
 
 
1) A medley of songs from the musical “Half Binders Andersen”, including:
 
* We’re Half Binders Andersen, we’ve many accounts to sell;
* Lynchworm, lynchworm, measuring the office space;
* Wonderful, wonderful, old Chicago, centre of Andersen’s style;
* There Once Was an Ugly Merging;
* No two businesses ever we’re so unlike;
* Fumble Binders, fumble Binders, tiny little thing;
* We’re signing on the dole together, the dole together, the dole together, we’re altogether redundant as a pubic hair in soap.
   
2) Arthur’s, We Love You (the paranoid Android song) c/w You’re in the army now.
   
3) Routs and Mergers, routs and mergers, soon consultancy will work for Burgess, Binder Hamlyn’s over, cos this merger is a takeover.
   
4) Arthur’s theme “When you get going between the dole and new employment”.
   
5) Binder’s is merging in the autumn, ding dong lets hope it will survive; Arthur’s no vulture, it’s just a strong culture, so change the way you work, just change the way you work, for gawd’s sake change the way you work in time.