…well this news story about a fatal accident when a Roll-on/roll-off ferry capsized had insufficient time distance to be made into comedy. Or possibly simply couldn’t ever be made into comedy.
I assigned the intellectual property rights to the RNLI for this one, but it never got that far. Still, they’ve had plenty of my dosh other ways since.
_ ROLLING ON, ROLLING OFF _
(To the Tune of “Knowing Me, Knowing You”)
CHORUS
Rolling on, rolling off, {ah-haaaaaa} Safety checks were not enough; Rolling on, rolling off, {ah-haaaaaa} The Baltic Sea is cold when you’re in the buff. {fucking cold when in the buff} Hyperthermia’s not freezing I know, But my blood won’t flow; We were all rolling off, Cos these ferries are duff.
Below is a video of Abba singing Knowing Me Knowing You with lyrics on the screen:
I cannot remember the context of this spoof letter of complaint, other than the fact that John was working for BACTA – perhaps that was a new thing at that time. I can only assume that the Anchor House thing was some sort of a charity lottery.
Nearly 25 years later, John is once again working for BACTA and might find this letter “helpful”.
Any recollections from your end will be much appreciated, John.
One small additional point for any geeks who might still be reading – this was, I believe, the very last letter I ever wrote using WordPerfect.
Ian Harris 12 Clanricarde Gardens London W2 4NA Tel: (071) 243-0725 Fax: (071) 229-2967 Internet: zyenilh@zyenharri.win-uk.net Compuserve: 100434,1552
Mr John S White 27 September 1994 BACTA Bacta House Regents Wharf 6 All Saints Street London N1 9RQ
Dear Mr White
GAME FOR A CURSE
I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms. Last week I had the misfortune to enter a certain Anchor House, at which address I was induced by a resplendent banner to enter the aforementioned Game For A Curse competition. I was promised “thousands of cash prizes” for my not insignificant investment of 50p. Imagine my surprise and horror when I ascertained that my investment had been entirely lost. None of the promised cash prizes came my way (the offending card is enclosed for your perusal and comment).
I am not one of life’s losers, Mr White, and I assure you that the matter will not stop here. The gaming board shall hear of this, as shall the responsible Minister and/or the President of the Board of Trade.
Innocent citizens like myself should not be subjected to this humiliation and defeat. I very nearly won £1,000 (look at the card carefully) and therefore believe that the said prize should be mine by virtue of the error that you have clearly made with regard to the supply of a non-winning card.
Don’t try to get me under Schedule 1a of the Lotteries and Amusements Act 1976 or I shall see to it that you are done under the Pedants and Irascible Old Gits Act of 1962. Two can play at this game, Mr White, so watch it.
Another of my personal NewsRevue favourites. Another perennial. It was used a lot in NewsRevue in the mid 1990s.
OLD BOYS
(To the Tune of “Oh Boy”)
VERSE 1
All our class,
All our status,
The proletariat rightly hate us;
Old boys, we’re pals from school,
Old boys, I held your tool,
And now you scratch my back.
VERSE 2
All our lives,
We’ve been a-waiting,
For high class mutual….fund creating;
Old boys, jobs for our people,
Old boys, we don’t want equal,
Opportunities.
MIDDLE EIGHT
DTI say we’ve been a-stealing,
Because we’ve been insider dealing;
We buy shares when they’re low and sell them when they’re high,
With tip offs from chaps in our old school tie.
VERSE 3
All through our,
Fine education,
We learnt the best means of exploitation;
Old boys, we are a team,
Old boys, we take the cream,
And milk the country dry.
Old boys!!
We’ll put to one side the fact that I sort-of went to the “right” sort of school (Alleyn’s) myself. Suffice it to say that I personally neither indulged in the schoolboy behaviours nor the commercial behaviours described in the lyric. Nor am I aware of any such activity among my fellow alumni from Alleyn’s school.
It’s October 2018 as I write and apparently I can’t do English irony…never could it seems…according to the leader of her majesty’s loyal opposition at least.
Of course the term “DTI” in a UK context is outdated at the time of writing but it doesn’t take much wit to replace that term with, for example, “FCA”.
Here is a video of Buddy Holly & The Crickets singing Oh Boy:
…and the following is the record version with lyrics on the screen:
OLD BOYS – EXECUTIVE PAY REMIX
(To the Tune of “Oh Boy”)
VERSE 1
All our class,
All our status,
The proletariat rightly hate us;
Old boys, we’re pals from school,
Old boys, I held your tool,
And now you scratch my back.
VERSE 2
All our lives,
We’ve been a-waiting,
For high class mutual….fund creating;
Old boys, jobs for our people,
Old boys, we don’t want equal,
Opportunities.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Greenbury say’s we’ve raped the nation,
Because we run huge corporations;
Buy options when they’re low and sell them when they’re high,
But only tax the stuff for the small time guy.
VERSE 3
All through our,
Fine education,
We learnt the best means of exploitation;
Old boys, we are a team,
Old boys, we take the cream,
And milk the country dry:
We milk the country dry.
When I left Binders and started Z/Yen, I traded as a sole trader for a couple of months while forming the group of companies and getting the corporate business ready to trade.
I was very careful to make sure that all of my self-employed income was properly invoiced and recorded at that time. Following consultattion with the tax authorities on the phone, we agreed that, for that short period of time, I couldn’t/shouldn’t try to separate my writer/media self from my business start-up self, so for a short while I invoiced my writing activities through Z/Yen and even (for some of the weeks) paid over VAT on the royalties.
This was the second of the invoices, raised on the same day as the first. The electronic version of the first seems to have become corrupted, but I shall probably be able to dig out a physical version of it and scan it up to Ogblog in the fullness of time.
I will have raised the invoice only after receiving the dosh, so Harriet will not have had to do anything with the invoice – I suspect she studied it for at least 5 seconds before deep filing it in the wastepaper basket. Harriet?
Despite my efforts, I have not been able to find out who you are yet. No matter, we shall meet soon no doubt. I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of new songs, and one or two rewrites of older ones etc. If you want me to work on an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Feel free to call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Actually, the version I am showing first below, which I think is the version that ran in the show for much of that autumn, is dated 12 October 1994 – adapted as the story unfolded.
The piece works better as a solo for Princess Diana I think – the original one (further down this page) was a duet.
Not sure if memory is playing tricks on me, but I think the wonderful Sarah Moyle did an especially good Princess Di for this one.
CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE – HEWITT REMIX
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)
VERSE 1 – DIANA
I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;
I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.
VERSE 2 – STILL DIANA
I get no answer so I’ll call up Major Hewitt,
I’ll take a chance and I am sure Winkie can do it,
We’d dine in France except I’m sure that I would spew it;
Oh he has a master nack,
I’ll kill Anna Pasternak,
I shall call that bastard back.
Be a nuisance with this mobile phone,
And I’ll sue them for this treasoned tome.
VERSE 3 – DIANA
I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.
And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,
Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,
You’d go under paying for this phone.
Here’s Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone with lyrics on the screen:
For the completists amongst us, here is the earlier version, based around a duet with Oliver Hoare rather than Di singing solo about James Hewitt:
CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)
VERSE 1 – DIANA
I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;
I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.
VERSE 2 – OLIVER HOARE
Please don’t laugh at me just because my name is Hoare,
(I said don’t laugh)
Di calls me up and so I’m sure that I could score,
I’m pals with Charles but he looks less good in the raw;
Oh a bloody call again,
Guess that cow will bawl again,
Drives me up the wall again.
That’s why I traced Diana’s mobile phone,
And have disgraced Diana’s use of phones.
VERSE 3 – DIANA
I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.
I wrote the quoted pieces below for sharing at a leaving do for several BDO Consulting folk who were leaving BDO Binder Hamlyn, including me, although i had technically left the firm at the beginning of that month.
In short, my firm, BDO Binder Hamlyn, was to be taken over by Arthur Andersen. I didn’t think the latter firm would appreciate my hair style.
Adrian Burn was the Managing Partner of BDO Binder Hamlyn. The character Pandoreuss is Elisabeth Reuss, now Elisabeth Mainelli, who was Adrian’s personal assistant.
Enough background:
THE SECRET DIARY OF ADRIAN BURN AGED 49 3/4 by SUSAN TOWNSLEY-WHITT
Tuesday 22 March 1994
I received a visit from a Mr Waddia, a most helpful gentleman from another leading firm of accountants like mine, except his firm is named Arthur Andersen. Mr Waddia is the most important man in Arthur Andersen and he said that he would pay a lot of money for a merger with Binder Hamlyn. He would give several Binder Hamlyn partners (including me!) equity in the merged firm and everyone would be happy. It sounded almost too good to be true, but I asked my friends James, David and John and they all said it sounded simply super and we should go for it. It’s a deal! Hurrah!
Monday 28 March 1994
I’m not very pleased today. The Sunday Times has spilled the beans on my splendid deal and lots of my junior partners have quite clearly failed to understand the benefits of the arrangement. I found some of their comments most unhelpful. I had to spend the whole day going round 20 Old Bailey explaining to all those junior partners and their staff oiks that the Andersen’s thing would be good for everybody and no-one would get fired (except for all the people that Mr Waddia told me I would have had to fire anyway). I am now in a foul mood and shall go off and investigate a bit of Queens Moat tomorrow to make myself feel better.
Wednesday 30 March 1994
One of my less astute junior partners who is not really my friend, William Casey, turned up in my office today. He had a sun tan and said he had been in Africa on consultancy business (I think that is what he does) until today and had only just got the news. He said that Andersens wouldn’t want a consultancy practice because they already have a big one and what was I going to do about it. I explained the bit about no-one getting fired and several partners getting equity in Andersen’s and he went away looking much happier. I asked my adorable secretary, Pandoreuss, what she thought of it all and she just said “Dumkopf”. I asked my friend Richard what this means and he said it is a compliment a German person gives to you when they think you have done a clever thing. Oh Pandoreuss! I really didn’t know you cared!
Monday 22 April 1994
I’m a bit miffed today. Mr Waddia says that he will have to pay millions of pounds to BDO so that he can buy Binder Hamlyn. “I hope you’re not expecting much cash or many equity partners, Adam, or else your going to be disappointed”, he said, “and you’d better get rid of a heap of your dead wood partners and managers PDQ”. I didn’t find those comments particularly helpful. I went off to close down a bit more of Queens Moat which took my mind off and made me feel a bit better.
Thursday 26 May 1994
Not a very good day. Mr Waddia has spoken to Mr Hall and apparently only two Binder Hamlyn partners will be allowed equity in Arthur Andersen. Fortunately one of them is me (hurrah) and the other is my friend James. Mr Hall has also told Mr Waddia that by the time they have paid BDO to let Binder Hamlyn out, Arthur Andersen can only afford £2.54 for Binder Hamlyn. “I thought you were the most important man in Arthur Andersen, Mr Waddia”, I said. “I am”, he replied, “in Arthur Andersen UK. Mr Hall is the most important man in Andersen Consulting UK. He is a more most important man than I am”. I think I understand. I told Pandoreuss and she just said “du bist ein schtick fleisch” which my friend Richard tells me means that I am a first class negotiator. Oh Pandoreuss! One day you will be mine!
Wednesday 10 August 1994
I am not very pleased. Mr Waddia tells me that Mr Burgess has told him that my consultancy cannot call itself a consultancy because only his (Mr Burgess’s) consultancy is allowed to do that. “I thought Mr Hall was the most important man in Andersens”, I said. “He is”, replied Mr Waddia, “in Andersen Consulting UK. Mr Burgess is the most important man in Andersen Consulting Worldwide. Mr Burgess is a more most important man than Mr Hall”. These people really ought to sort themselves out! William (who is not really my friend) went up the wall when I told him. I said that he could revive the incredibly successful former name, Binder Hamlyn Small Fry and he went away seeming happy. These consultancy (sorry, small fry) types just need a few kind words and they are all motivated, networking and selling work like crazy. William must have done a great job after he saw me today, because three strangers called me asking me to give personal references for William. Pandoreuss told me that William “ist ein schlemiel”, which apparently means good salesman. I went off and investigated a bit more of Queens Moat.
Tuesday 30 August 1994
I decided to stand up to Mr Waddia. I told him that I was not happy about having to sack 10 of my equity partners and a whole group of managers after all that we had been through together. “Heck, Adam”, he said. “Adrian”, I corrected (I can stick up for myself you know). “I know how you feel, Adrian. I am going to have to sack two of my equity partners in a few months time so I know how uncomfortable you feel.” His words made me feel a lot better (they have a superb manner, these big six types, although we’re more than a match for them, yes indeed). Mr Waddia continued “perhaps you could give me a few tips on how to go about sacking equity partners, I’ve never had to do it before”. It’s good to see that we are already starting to influence the Arthur Andersen Worldwide Organisation.
NEXT WEEK: Adrian Burn, the Wilderness Years.
In addition, I circulated the following “song list”:
AND NOW: Adrian Burn’s top five favourite records of all time.
1) A medley of songs from the musical “Half Binders Andersen”, including:
* We’re Half Binders Andersen, we’ve many accounts to sell; * Lynchworm, lynchworm, measuring the office space; * Wonderful, wonderful, old Chicago, centre of Andersen’s style; * There Once Was an Ugly Merging; * No two businesses ever we’re so unlike; * Fumble Binders, fumble Binders, tiny little thing; * We’re signing on the dole together, the dole together, the dole together, we’re altogether redundant as a pubic hair in soap.
2) Arthur’s, We Love You (the paranoid Android song) c/w You’re in the army now.
3) Routs and Mergers, routs and mergers, soon consultancy will work for Burgess, Binder Hamlyn’s over, cos this merger is a takeover.
4) Arthur’s theme “When you get going between the dole and new employment”.
5) Binder’s is merging in the autumn, ding dong lets hope it will survive; Arthur’s no vulture, it’s just a strong culture, so change the way you work, just change the way you work, for gawd’s sake change the way you work in time.
This letter to the late Harold Davison regarding a request by Harold for me to write a party lyric for Arthur Crames and regarding the Sammy Cahn Obituary Lyric:
Harold Davison 29 August 1994 The Addison 1500 South Ocean Boulevard Appt S101 Boca Raton Florida 33432 USA
Dear Harold
SATIRICAL SONGS
It was a pleasure to speak with you on the phone yesterday. I shall work on the Arthur Crames song and shall send you a first draft as soon as I am able.
In the meanwhile, to wet your appetite, I enclose the Sammy Cahn Obituary Song, which I wrote in January 1993 just after he died. I thought that Gary had sent it to you at the time, but hope that this tribute, like the great man’s work, is timeless.
