Category: Writing (my writing)

Camilla, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 July 1994

Written in July 1994, revived in October 1994, I’m unsure how well this did in the show, I’m pretty sure I saw it performed.

I rather like it.

In those days, of course, no-one knew that Camilla would emerge as Chuck’s other half – she was perceived as his bit on the side back then.

CAMILLA
(To the Tune of “Diana”)

VERSE 1 – CHARLES SOLO

CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah,
Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah;
CHARLES: I’ll be King and you’ll be Queen,
‘Tho folk don’t know where we’ve been;
I don’t care when press berate,
I shall never abdicate;
There’s always adultery,
In the British monarchy,
Oh please rule with me……..Camilla.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Camilla enters during this)

VERSE 2

CAMILLA: Then the press gave us lots of stick,
Over where you dip your wick;
When we ride a cross country course…
CHARLES: …I confuse you with my horse;
She’s so young and you’re so old,
But I have been Parker-bowled;
CAMILLA: Please don’t match me with Diana.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Queen & Philip enter during this)

MIDDLE EIGHT

QUEEN: Stupid Charlie,
CHARLES: Sorry mother,
QUEEN: Don’t let on you have a lover;
Take a tip from dad and me,
BOTH You just don’t talk to Dimbleby. (PHILIP: You’re a bloody wimp, boy!)

VERSE 3

CHARLES: I still find Diana duller,
QUEEN: Camilla is no water-colour;
PHILIP: She looks like my old dog Rover,
QUEEN: But Charles had her three times over;
CHARLES: I’ll go ruin an architect,
QUEEN: You command naff-all respect;
CAMILLA: Oh please God spare me the Windsors. (EITHER: blackout….
OR: Queen, Philip and Charles, incredulous at this outburst, hound Camilla off the stage).

Here is Paul Anka singing Diana – you need to click through to read the original lyrics underneath the YouTube:

Submission To Jonathan Linsley Re Edinburgh NewsRevue, 3 July 1994

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
 
JONATHAN LINSLEY EDINBURGH 1994 RUN
 
Dear Jonathan
 
As promised, I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings.  The pack consists of a few new songs with longevity, and the older ones I think might have a shot at Edinburgh. They are virtually all this years songs with success plus shelf life. I have also included “Yasser” which was too late for Edinburgh last year and seems to be back in the news now.
 
If you want anything else, just let me know.

Virginia, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 July 1994

This lyric feels like it emerged on the back of another of those requests, along the lines of, “we really like You Can’t Hurry Trusts“…

You Can’t Hurry Trusts, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 May 1992

…”can you write a different one along similar lines?”…

…which I could do, of course. I even quite like this one, which focuses on the health secretary, Virginia Bottomley:

_ VIRGINIA _

(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)

CHORUS 1

DOCTORS:Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT:Do not close.

VERSE 1

A DOCTOR:Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS:….doing sums…..)
PATIENT:I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.

CHORUS 2

DOCTORS:Virginia, we’re only two star,
You’re shaking our confidence daily;
PATIENT:Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.
DOCTORS:Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

CHORUS 3

DOCTORS:Jubilation, we’re three star again,
We do all our work in out patients;
PATIENT:Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.
(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)

Below is a video of Simon & Garfunkel singing Cecilia with the lyrics on the screen:

Letter To Daryl Boot Re NewsRevue, 27 June 1994

Daryl Boot 27 June 1994
News Revue
 
Dear Daryl
 
SONGS

 
A couple of new ones. The only recording I have of Flintstones is a great pastiche in the style of Bruce Springsteen. It’s a shame we don’t have a saxophonist! Hope you like the songs.
 
See you soon.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
 

Letter To Di Botcher Re NewsRevue, 27 June 1994

Di Botcher 27 June 1994
News Revue
 
Dear Di
 
SONGS

 
A couple of rewrites and a couple of new ones. The only recording I have of Flintstones is a great pastiche in the style of Bruce Springsteen. It’s a shame we don’t have a saxophonist! Hope you like the songs.
 
See you soon. Hope all is going well.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
 

It’s Cheap News Week, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 June 1994

I had previously done a lyric to It’s Good News Week on the theme of slow news. Now I was trying one on the theme of cheap news – i.e. a price war between the papers. I’m not sure if this version was used.

_ IT’S CHEAP NEWS WEEK _

(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)

VERSE 1
It’s cheap news week,
Telegraph’s just 30p,
The price still seems too much for me,
It’s such an awful read;
It’s cheap news week,
Times is down to 20p,
I wouldn’t take it if it’s free,
They’ll cut price till they bleed.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Have you read the news?
What has it told?
Media price wars,
Independent’s bound to fold,
(Guardian has caught a cold).

VERSE 2

It’s slow news week,
Papers only talk about,
The price wars that they fought about,
On front page and on back;
It’s piss poor weak,
Customers will soon be thrashed,
When all they’ve got is Murdoch’s trash,
And crap from Conrad Black…
We want our papers back,
So give these shits the sack.

Click here or below for a video of Hedgehoppers Anonymous singing It’s Good News Week – if you click here you can see the lyrics in the information section.

Fatsos, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 June 1994

I’m not sure what to say about this lyric. It isn’t very subtle and I wouldn’t express such sentiments about European leaders today.

_ MEET THE FATSOS _

(To the Tune of “Meet The Flintstones”)

INTRO

Fatsos,
Meet the fatsos,
Of the European family;
Helmut,
And Duhane,
Must be en route for a coronary.

MIDDLE EIGHT

They hate,
Leon Brittan cos he’s rude;
Lubbers,
Sounds like something moist and crude.

OUTRO

All these,
Jerks are fatsos,
So use your blubber blubber veto;
Those fatsos eat – oh,
We feed those big fat heads.

Below is a video with The Flintstones theme including the words on screen.

Submission To Di Botcher, NewsRevue, 23 June 1994

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
 
DI JULY-AUGUST 1994 RUN
 
Dear Di
 
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings.  The pack consists of new songs, songs currently in the show and one or two rewrites of older ones etc. If you want me to work on an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
 
Feel free to call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
 
Good luck and look forward to seeing you soon
 

Beckett, Prescott And Amazing Tony Blair, NewsRevue Lyric, 19 June 1994

More than a year after introducing Tony Blair as a NewsRevue song character (April 1993) – click here for that first version and links to original versions of the song – he became the front runner to lead the Labour party and I was able to revive my “Amazing Tony Blair” song to the tune of Simon Smith and the Amazing Dancing Bear.

I wrote a few 1994 sub-versions, one a little earlier than the one shown below, during the European elections in May 1994, and another after the leadership election, dated 22 July 1994, but the version below from the leadership election I think was the better of the three.

This song ran and ran in NewsRevue. I particularly remember the superb Jonathan Linsley doing a fine Prescott for it, having previously been a fine John Smith.

♬ BECKETT, PRESCOTT AND AMAZING TONY BLAIR ♬

(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)

VERSE 1

BECKETT:                 I may campaign tomorrow,

Despite the sorrow, that Labour bear;

Now John Smith is a stiff,

I shall heal the rift, that is bound to flare.

SHORT:                      John Prescott’s impulsive,

BROWN:                    Beckett’s repulsive;

BROWN/BLAIR:      But Gordon Brown and Tony Blair,

Are the Labour Party conference pair,

Despite the fact we are square, we two can lead.

VERSE 2

BECKETT/SHORT:   For Europe Margaret Beckett,

Secured our ticket, in June out there;

BROWN/BLAIR:      But voters say she’s scraggy,

Another Maggie’s, too much to bear;

The Sun says she’s phoney, the press all love Tony;

BECKETT/SHORT:   Oh who would think that Marge and Claire,

Would appeal so well in the public glare,

And Labour voters out there, seem very pleased.

PIANO BIT

(During which individuals speak to the “voters” in the audience and try to upstage each other)

BECKETT:     Please don’t wreck it – vote for Beckett. Labour’s next leader.

BROWN:        I’m not down, so don’t vote for Gordon Brown.

PRESCOTT:   (pianist?) Labour’s best shot, vote for Prescott.

BLAIR:           The press prefer Tony Blur. (Looks displeased as soon as he has said it)

OUTRO

CHORUS:                  Our nearest and dearest, say we’re not careerist;

We won in Europe fair and square, and the leader’s seat is going spare,

BECKETT:                 Choose Beckett,

PRESCOTT:               Prescott,

BROWN:                    Vote,

BLAIR:                       Amazing Tony Blair.

copyright © Ian Harris 1994

In October 1995 I wrote the following update:

SHORT, BECKETT, PRESCOTT AND THE AMAZING TONY BLAIRE
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)

VERSE 1

BLAIRE: I may campaign tomorrow, if I can borrow some more hot air;
Oh I’ll contend in style with my sincere smile cos I’m Tony Blaire.
PRESCOTT: He’s Christian and zealous,
BLAIRE: Prescott’s just jealous;
SHORT/BECKETT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would be so accepted everywhere,
Despite his suits and big hair, we’re in the lead.

VERSE 2

BECKETT: At conference Margaret Beckett…….
SHORT: She topped the ticket as Labour’s mare;
PRESCOTT: But voters think she’s scraggy,
Another Maggie’s, too much to bear;
BLAIRE: The others are phoney, the press all love Tony;
BECKETT/SHORT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would appeal to women more than Claire,
PRESCOTT: The Socialists left out there aren’t very pleased.

PIANO BIT

BECKETT: Vote for Labour, the party that believes in….um….um……um……John?
PRESCOTT: If you’re finally ready for a genuine, truly Socialist Government……… leave the country…I mean vote Labour….Claire?
SHORT: We have policies that the people of Britain really want. Let me give you an example…..um…..um…….Tony?
BLAIRE: Vote for me. God is on my side.

OUTRO

PRESCOTT:: He thinks “love thy neighbour” is Clause 4 of Labour,
BLAIRE: Our principles are just hot air, but we’ll get the votes so we don’t care;
SHORT: Short,
BECKETT: Beckett,
PRESCOTT: Prescott,
BLAIRE: and the Amazing Tony Blaire.

And finally, in March 1996, the following one:

SHORT, BECKETT, PRESCOTT AND THE AMAZING TONY BLAIRE
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)

VERSE 1

BLAIRE: I may campaign tomorrow, if I can borrow some more hot air;
Oh I’ll contend in style with my sincere smile cos I’m Tony Blaire.
PRESCOTT: He’s Christian and zealous,
BLAIRE: Prescott’s just jealous;
SHORT/BECKETT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would be so accepted everywhere,
Despite his suits and big hair, we’re in the lead.

VERSE 2

BECKETT: At conference Margaret Beckett…….
SHORT: Could top the ticket as Labour’s mare;
PRESCOTT: But voters think she’s scraggy,
Another Maggie’s, too much to bear;
BLAIRE: The others are phoney, the people love Tony;
BECKETT/SHORT: Oh who’d have thought that Tony Blaire,
Would appeal to women more than Claire,
PRESCOTT: But Socialists left out there aren’t very pleased.

PIANO BIT

BECKETT: Vote for Labour, the party that believes in….um….um……um……John?
PRESCOTT: If you’re finally ready for a genuine, truly Socialist Government……… leave the country…I mean vote Labour….Claire?
SHORT: We have policies that the people of Britain really want. Let me give you an example…..um…..um…….Tony?
BLAIRE: Vote for me. God is on my side.

OUTRO

PRESCOTT:: He thinks “love thy neighbour” is Clause 4 of Labour,
BLAIRE: Our principles are just hot air, but we’ll get the votes so we don’t care;
SHORT: Short,
BECKETT: Beckett,
PRESCOTT: Prescott,
BLAIRE: and the Amazing Tony Blaire.

My First Attempt At Cataloguing My Lyrics And A Letter To Daryl Boot Re NewsRevue, 14 June 1994

The letter below refers to the original version of my log or song catalogue. I had forgotten that I originally produced it, with a harrumph, for Daryl Boot, at his request.

Now, I realise, I am grateful to Daryl for kicking off that process of logging the materials, as it has helped me no end with Ogblogging the body of work that is my lyrics and stuff.

Here’s a link to that original version of the catalogue – it was irregularly updated for about three further years.

Daryl Boot 14 June 1994
News Revue
 
 
Dear Daryl
 
I DUNNO – THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU – ETC
 
Humph, I dunno, the things I do for you.
 
See you Thursday.
 
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
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