Category: Writing (my writing)

Channel Tunnel Rabies Threat, NewsRevue Quickie Sketch, 8 May 1994

I don’t think this one was used much, if at all. Sketches were not my strongest suit.

RABIES THREAT (A Sketch for fox, rat and Rabbi Lionel Blue. Fox and rat have stage French accents)


RAT:Bonjour, fox. What are you doing here in the channel tunnel? (Salivates wildly.)
FOX:Comment ca va, rat? I am going across to Britain of course. (Also salivates wildly).
RAT:But you must be crazy. There is no cheep booze to be bought over there. And besides, the English are paranoid about le rabies. They will shoot you before you can say Jacques Chirac. (Salivates wildly.)
FOX:OK, Monsieur smarty pants. If you are so damned clever, what are you doing here in a thirty five mile long tunnel, laced with rat poison and with not so much as a single scrap of Camembert? (Salivates etc….)
(But before rat can reply, Rabbi Lionel Blue appears on the stage)
RAT:Sacre bleu!! Who is this weirdo coming along the tunnel?
FOX:Vraiment bleu!! C’est Rabbi Lionel Bleu.
BLUE:Good morning, fox. Good morning rat. Good morning everybody. A dear, dear friend of mine asked me just the other day, “Lionel”, he asked, “why do you rabbis always answer a question with a question?” “Why shouldn’t we?” I replied…..
RAT:Rabbi Bleu. What on earth are you doing wandering along half way through the channel tunnel?
BLUE:Why shouldn’t I? And besides, my script says that there is a serious danger of rabbis entering Britain through the channel tunnel.
FOX:I’ll kill that script editor (salivates wildly).
BLACKOUT

Civil War In the Yemens, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 May 1994

I think I was churning out material at that time without being too discerning.

My excuse (not that excuse is needed) is that I was, by then, preoccupied with thoughts of setting up the business that became Z/Yen.

Anyway, this lyric about Yemen could have been used practically any time in the last 25 years (he writes in April 2019) but probably best that it remained (and remains) on the unused pile.

_ CIVIL WAR IN THE YEMENS _

(To the Tune of “Oranges And Lemons”)

VERSE 1

Oranges and lemons,
Civil war in the Yemens;
The people are starving,
While the warlords are carving.

VERSE 2

Watch tourists hair raise,
They flew in British Airways;
“BA’s too rich”,
Says an aggressive bitch.

VERSE 3

Who could she be?
She’s that cow Kate Adie;
What does she know?
She’s in Sarajevo.

VERSE 4

Rift twixt North and South,
Big as Kate Adie’s mouth;
Those Brits who stayed on,
Flee from San’a to Aden.

OUTRO

Here comes a vandal to burn, loot and rout,
And here comes a chopper to fly Britons out.

Below is a video that shows the lyrics to Oranges and Lemons while singers sing that old tune in a rather charming olde worlde folke musicke stylee:

Letter To Charles Riley Re NewsRevue, 3 May 1994

Charles Riley 3 May 1994
News Revue
 
Dear Charles
 
MORE SONGS

 
Here are my latest offerings, including  a new South Africa Song at last – “Old Mandela”. By chance, I even have the music for three of the new songs, so Brian should be happy.
 
Hope to see you all on Thursday.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

Crappy Together, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 May 1994

The problem with me tackling TV related news stories is that I knew almost nothing about them. I hadn’t had a TV for years.

Indeed, writing 25 years later, I had to Google “Don Miami Vice” to discover that this lyric is about Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith.

I do recall at that time Janie being especially amused by the “Hello phenomenon”, which meant that a couple featured in Hello magazine looking happy together invariably split up acrimoniously soon afterwards…

…but I don’t think this lyric got used much, if at all, by NewsRevue.

_ CRAPPY TOGETHER _

(To the Tune of “Happy Together”)

VERSE 1

DON:Imagine Melanie and me,
A working girl by day and night, she’s full of shite,
Like Richard Gere and Cindi too, we mainly fight,
Unhappy together.
MEL:And when I call Don up, we scream and shout,
That’s when I can get hold of him; he’s mostly out,
When Hello gave that interview, we both made out,
We’re happy together.

CHORUS 1

DON:I can’t see me sticking with dog shit like you for all my life;
If you’re with me baby I just want to spew when you’re my wife.

VERSE 2

MEL:Me and you and you and me,
No matter your Miami Vice, pretend that we;
Are blissful for the youngsters who, think families,
Are happy together.

CHORUS 2

DON:I can’t see us acting the role of good sports, it must look wrong,
MEL:Smiles in Hello just means goodbye in the courts before too long.

VERSE 3

DON:Me and you and you and me,
Like Rosanne Barr and Arnold live unsuitably;
We ought to chuck the towel in soon or else we’ll be,
So crappy together {oh-oh-oh-oh}
MEL:I’m light as a feather {oh-oh-oh-oh}
DON:The end of my tether {oh-oh-oh-oh}
BOTH:We’re crappy together {mmmmmmmmm}.

At least the lyric relies on a super tune – here is a video of that wonderful band The Turtles performing Happy Together. Howard Kaylan could unquestionably gain entry to the pavilion at Lord’s in that attire (and happily sit next to Fingers). Mark Volman has some explaining to do about his use of the trombone (or lack thereof)…is it possible that the lads are miming in this vid?:

https://youtu.be/mRCe5L1imxg

Below is a video with the same track, but with lyrics on the screen:

Sprogging In Chains Gang, NewsRevue Lyric, Jointly With Sue Nelson, 2 May 1994

In truth I don’t remember writing this one jointly with Sue Nelson, but I took pains to give her a joint credit, so I suspect that, at the very least, the conceit of the song came from Sue at a writers’ meeting.

I don’t think this piece made it into the show, or if it did it only got a short stint at the tail-end of a run. It was a fairly short-lived news item, if I recall correctly, about a pregnant woman having been badly treated in custody.

Where was Colin Stutt when we needed a comedy writer better equipped than me to take on the criminal justice system?

_ SPROGGING IN CHAINS GANG _

(To the Tune of “Back On The Chain Gang”)

VERSE 1 – FEMALE PRISONER

I saw a picture of Sue,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh,
It made the Star and the News of the World;
Now Styal prison says Sue’s gonna sue,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh,
A Styal victim when the babe unfurled.

CHORUS 1 – FEMALE PRISONER(S)

She was sprogging in chains, gang,
{CHORUS:Boomp-waaaaahhhh, boomp-waaaaahhhh, boomp-waaaaahhhh}
Oh-oh, sprogging in chains, gang.

VERSE 2 – WARDER(S)

Circumstance beyond our control,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh,
We handcuffed Sue Edwards to her neighbour;
Perhaps she should have been out on parole,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh,
Instead we made the cow do hard labour.

CHORUS 2 – WARDER(S)

And now she’s whacking her claims in,
{CHORUS:Boomp-cash, boomp-cash, boomp-cash}
And we’re all packing our jobs in.

Below is a video of The Pretenders singing Back On The Chain Gang with the lyrics on the screen. Much simpler tune than I thought it might be – I think I might give that one a bash on my baroq-ulele…

Old Mandela, NewsRevue Lyric & Ben Murphy Recording, 1 May 1994

This is one of the most successful of my lyrics, which ran in NewsRevue for most of the remainder of 1994. It was also recorded by Ben Murphy. I must say I am still mighty proud of this lyric, 25 years after Nelson Mandela was elected, as I write, on 27 April 2019.

_ OLD MANDELA _
(To the Tune of “Old Man River”)
(A song for Afrikaner solo and/or chorus)

VERSE 1

Old Mandela,
Dat Old Mandela,
With fans street dancing,
Like the Vandellas,
And old vendettas,
Have just got nowhere to run.

VERSE 2

Dis whole nation
Was our plantation,
And now we’re losing,
Our demarkation;
But Old Mandela,
Says he’ll let bygones be gone.

MIDDLE EIGHT

You and me, we’re not well built,
We’ve never had to toil and we’re racked with guilt;
All dis stress makes us go pale,
Now we have lost our power will we land in jail?

VERSE 3

We’re not grieving,
But we are praying,
Too rich for leaving,
Too scared of staying;
But Old Mandela,
He just keeps polling along.

Ben Murphy suggested the above closing line – my original version closed with the line:

He just might rule us all well.

In NewsRevue, the performance was a belter; several performers over the months did justice to it with excellent Afrikaner accents and powerful voices. Ben Murphy’s recording, while excellent, is more comedic and vocally restrained. You can listen to Ben’s recording below:

Below is a video with William Warfield’s voice and the lyrics to Ol’ Man River on screen:

Below is a clip of Paul Robeson singing Ol’ Man River in the original movie version of Showboat:

https://youtu.be/eh9WayN7R-s

Whitewater, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 May 1994

The Whitewater controversy was one of the main scandals that hung over the Clinton presidency. This lyric was rather good fun and I think it went down well in NewsRevue for a while.

_ WHITEWATER _

(To the Tune of “Oh Susannah”)

VERSE 1 – BILL CLINTON

Well I come from Hope in Arkansas, a bimbo on my knee,
And I jog so much I’m fuckin’ sore round Washington DC;
Well I’ve been in power more than a year now Government is cleaner,
Tho’ I spend most all my energy avoiding a subpoena.

CHORUS 1

No Whitewater, things aren’t all what they seem,
Like his daughters name is Chelsea but she ain’t no football team.

VERSE 2 – BILL CLINTON

Now I’ll make a stand for human rights, cos whipping folks is cruel,
But a villains out after three strikes, I shock them as a rule;
(During the above line Clinton electrocutes one seated member of the chorus)
“Hypocrisy” I hear you cry, a mighty fancy word, (looks puzzled)
I’ll check it in the dictionary I got when at Oxford.

CHORUS 2

No Whitewater, and don’t you cry for Bill,
Cos they’ll never catch those Clintons with their fingers in the till;
No Whitewater, and Bill don’t draw no spliff,
But the vultures are above his head now Nixon is a stiff.

In January 1996 I wrote the following update:

WHITEWATER 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Oh Susannah”)
 
VERSE 1 – BILL CLINTON
Well I come from Hope in Arkansas, a bimbo on my knee,
And I jog so much I’m fuckin’ sore round Washington DC;
Well I’ve been in power most of my term, now Government is cleaner,
Tho’ I spend most all my energy avoiding a subpoena.
CHORUS 1
No Whitewater, things aren’t all what they seem,
Like his daughters name is Chelsea but she ain’t no football team.
VERSE 2 – HILARY
Well I did some work for Rose law firm, I don’t recall a thing,
I was much to busy frettin’ where Bill might have put his ding;
“Chicanery” I hear you cry, a mighty fancy word, (looks puzzled)
BILL: I’ll check it in the dictionary I got when at Oxford.
CHORUS 2
No Whitewater, and don’t you cry for Bill,
Cos you’ll never catch those Clintons with their fingers in the till;
No Whitewater, and Hilary don’t lie,
She’s lookin’ up above her head to see the pigs that fly.
No Whitewater, the Clinton’s weren’t affected,
The biggest joke of all is that they might get re-elected.

Below is a rather sweet version of Oh Susanna with the original lyrics on the screen. It uses the traditional form of one verse then one chorus, rather than the two verses and then a chorus form that has oft been used since and which I used in the Whitewater lyric:

Mercenary, NewsRevue Lyric, 25 April 1994

Something in the news about Barbra Streisand and merchandising must have triggered this thought. I don’t think the lyric was used. I couldn’t spell Barbra back then, either.

_ MERCENARY _
(To the Tune of “Memories”)

(Should be sung in a “mock Streisand/Bronx” accent, faster than the recorded version)

VERSE 1

Mercenary,
I smell loads of lovely dosh;
Costly ultra-pricy merchandise,
Is the way I earn.

VERSE 2

Tacky pictures,
That’ll cost you twenty quid;
Seats you’ve paid for ten times over,
For the fees I earn.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Can it be that it is all so lucrative,
Have Streisand’s fan clubs lost their minds;
And if they had a chance to book it all again,
Tell me would they?
Should they?

VERSE 3

Mercenary,
I may be prosperous, and yet,
Once I’ve bought some fancy jewellery,
I might still land up in debt.

OUTRO

But Barbara Streisand’s,
A lovely little earner;
Yes more than Tina Turner,
I have ways to earn.

Below is a video with Barbra Streisand singing The Way We Were with lyrics on the screen:

https://youtu.be/fT-r-CzKfes

Young, Healthy And Fit, NewsRevue Lyric, 25 April 1994

I wrote quite a few about the health service and in particular about how I felt the Tory government was running it down. This was not one of my best pieces on that topic and I don’t think it was used. I probably wrote it on the back of a request for a new one on that topic.

_ YOUNG, HEALTHY AND FIT _

(To the Tune of "Young, Gifted and Black")

VERSE 1 – HEALTHY YOUNGSTERS

Young, healthy and fit,
They love us in the NHS;
Because we don’t need them one bit,
And their finance is in a mess.
So we’re feeling relieved,
As the public’s been deceived,
Now you’re young, healthy and fit,
Or in the shit.

VERSE 2 – SICKLY OLDSTERS

Old, crippled and weak,
Oh what a ghastly way to be;
Cos when we were at our peak,
We could have got some therapy.
But we’re feeling real low,
Cos we can’t get our physio,
So we’re old, crippled and bled,
Might as well be dead.

Below is a video with Bob & Marcia singing Young Gifted And Black with the lyrics on the screen:

Letter To Charles Riley Re NewsRevue, 22 April 1994

Charles Riley 22 April 1994
News Revue
 
Dear Charles
 
A FEW POINTS

 
It was good to see you and the show last night. I enclose a few bits, pieces and thoughts.
 
TAPE
 
The enclosed tape relates to songs that Mark Keagan and Nick R Thomas intend to write this weekend. Their ideas sound good, so I hope they come up with the goods.
 
STREISAND
 
I don’t think the quickie can work. I do think the song can work, and I do think that Paula can do Streisand perfectly well; she really could do the song from the clipboard cos that is a joke in itself. Please try it.
 
SPAM
 
I think the D-Day spam fritter story will raise laughs. I have tried rewriting two lines of the John Major song to incorporate it (dropping the Bottomley/lobotomy line that really grates after hearing the same rhyme in Debbie’s opening number). This I think will work.
 
I also think that you could liven up any two-hander sketch by getting the others to burst in singing:
 
“Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam, D-day spam, jamboree spam”
SKETCH PERFORMER:Shut up! Bloody Tories:
 
or whatever. This might even work as a runner through several sketches.
 
YOUNG, HEALTHY AND FIT
 
I don’t know what happened to this song. It is on the same tape as the Streisand. Here’s another copy of the lyrics.
 
ROTTEN
 
I still think this one works well. However, I seem to have lost my half credit on the running order for some reason!
 
USA POLITICS
 
I can’t help noticing the lack of American politics in the show (one quickie?). I am trying to think of new angles for songs, but it’s probably more sketch friendly. An early morning quickie:
 
ANNOUNCER:The American people remember Richard Nixon, the only US president in history  who’s screwed more of the American people than Bill Clinton.
 
Sorry, but it is 7.00 a.m. and that’s the best I can manage. Nag DAB, NC or JR to write something.
 
BOND
 
Do have another look at this one – I think you should cover the story to some extent. If the cast don’t like the blood line, you could always drop/replace it.
 
THAT’S ALL I CAN THINK OF AT THIS HOUR
 
Well, that’s all I can think of at this hour. I am now off to the borders of Wales for a wee while, but I shall be back by Thursday and look forward to seeing you all then.
 
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris