Category: Writing (my writing)

One of two non-musical items I wrote that day. It has a #MeToo feel to it, as I read and post it 25 years later, in April 2019, when, coincidentally, the political correctness (or lack thereof) of the James Bond franchise is back in the news.

If you need to identify the characters purportedly seeking the role of Bond, here are links on each:

• Prime Minister John Major
• Comedian/actress Jo Brand
• Aristocrat (latterly Duke of Marlborough) Jamie Blandford
• Conservative socialite aka The Spanish Firecracker, Bienvenida Buck.

BOND
 
(The James Bond Theme Tune should be played throughout)
An American Casting Director (CD), possibly offstage/amplified, calls each hopeful in turn.
 
CD:OK everyone. We’ve got lots of you applying for the part of James Bond, so if we can just move through these auditions efficiently that will be mighty helpful. First one please. Name.
MAJOR:My name is Major. John Major.
CD:Try saying “my name is Bond, James Bond” in a macho voice.
MAJOR:(totally normal major voice) My name is Bond. Not inconsiderably James Bond, oh yes.
CD:Hopeless. Next.
 
BRAND:My name is Brand. Jo Brand.
CD:Hey, you’re macho enough. What is you’re unique selling point as 007, Jo?
BRAND:I’m fat, I’m ugly, and once a month I get blood gushing out of my cunt.
CD:That’s pretty unique. But not quite what we’re looking for. Next.
BRAND:(Trying the Jo Brand feminine bit) Mmmm, big boy. That’s a comfy looking casting couch you’ve got there. Would you like me to join you on it?
CD:Not me baby, you’ve got the wrong species. Next.
(The music stops as the pianist staggers forward, drink in hand)
 
JAMIE:My name is Blandford, hic, James Blandford.
CD:Hey, pretty good CV here for James Bond: you’re used to drinking, womanising, going off to lots of expensive locations and doing all those things on somebody else’s cheque book.
JAMIE:Hic, so have I got the part? Hic.
CD:No you haven’t. Our James Bonds have to dry out after they’ve made a few movies, not before. Next.
JAMIE:Oh, hic, well will you call me a taxi please my good man.
CD:You’re a taxi. Now get the hell outta here. Next.
 
(The music restarts)
BUCK:My name is Buck. Big Buck.
CD:Hey, you’re different. Try saying “My name is Bond, James Bond” in a macho voice.
BUCK:(in totally Bienveneda voice) My name is blond. fake blond.
CD:And what makes you think you’re suitable for the role of 007?
BUCK:Mmmm, big boy. That’s a comfy looking casting couch you’ve got there. Would you like me to join you on it?
CD:OK, you can have the part. You can have my part anyway. Let’s talk about the role some more on the couch.

This lyric refers to the very public marital breakdown between singer-songwriter Billy Joel and the model Christie Brinkley.

Many Billy Joel song titles are scattered throughout the lyric.

_ YOU’RE STILL LOOKING OLD TO ME _
(A Duet For Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley To “It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me”)

VERSE 1

BILLY:What’s the matter with my old wife lately?
CHRISTIE:Don’t you know that I’m Christie Brinkley.
BILLY:Why complain about the way I treat you?
CHRISTIE:Cos you say that I’m old and wrinkly.
BILLY:It was months ago that we separated,
CHRISTIE:And even longer since you ejaculated.
BILLY:Face lift, skin shift, plastic for your boob drift,
You’re still looking old to me.

VERSE 2

CHRISTIE:What’s the matter with the clothes I’m wearing?
BILLY:Can’t you tell that you’ve spent to much.
CHRISTIE:Maybe I should buy some nice fur collars?
BILLY:Then you’ll look just like Basil Brush.
CHRISTIE:Why are you not writing songs lately honey?
I can’t look good unless I spend a lot of money.
BILLY:Uptown, downtown, even one called Allentown,
CHRISTIE:They all sound the same to me.

MIDDLE BIT

BILLY:Oh it doesn’t matter what I Tell Her About It,
Cos I want you Just The Way You Aren’t;
CHRISTIE:In my mind My Life spun, Only The Good Die Young,
When my ‘copter crashed down in the park,
BILLY:Shame that it wasn’t Iraq.

VERSE 3

BILLY:What’s the matter with the girls I’m dating?
CHRISTIE:Don’t you know that they’re much too young.
BILLY:You’re just jealous cos you’re no spring chicken,
CHRISTIE:They should put you in an Iron Lung.
BILLY:Don’t you know that I’m a new man honey,
CHRISTIE:Soon the CSA will get your last bit of money.
BILLY:Wrong bloke, I’m broke, spent it all on snorting coke,
She’s always a scrounger to me.
CHRISTIE:Stingy Billy’s saying that he’s skint now,
Funny, but he’ll still pay me alimony.

Below is Billy Joel singing It’s Still Rock’n’Roll To Me:

Here is a link to the lyrics of It’s Still Rock’n’Roll To Me.

Lyrics was more my thing, but occasionally I’d try my hand at a short sketch or a quickie…with only moderate success.

FRIENDLY FIRE
(Two US Marines, one private and one officer, are observing the night sky.)
PRIVATE:Sir. We’ve been stuck out in this hell hole for months now. Will no one or nothing save us from this fate worse than death.
OFFICER:Shut the fuck up Spunkmeyer and keep watch.
PRIVATE:Yessir.
(in a state of some excitement)
Look, Sir, up in the sky. Is it a bird……is it a plane…….
OFFICER:Who gives a damn, Shmuckburger. Gun down the sonofabitch.
PRIVATE:Yessir. Rightaway, Sir.

Had I known what a terrible, genocidal civil war was opening up at the start of April 1994, I would not have written this lyric. The sentiments in it are fine; such a war is a bad idea; but not in the form of a musical parody.

_ RWANDA _

(To the Tune of “Oliver”)

[OPTIONAL INTRO
VOICEOVER:And now we go over to the United Nations Security Council, where the Rwandan Foreign Minister is explaining his country’s crisis to the Secretary General, Mr Boutros Boutros….Boutros.
RWANDAN:Please sir, we’ve gone to war.
BOUTROS:What?
RWANDAN:Please sir, we’ve gone to war.
BOUTROS:War!! But wait! Before I take this land to task, may I be so curious as to ask its name?
ALL:Rwanda….]

OPENING BIT

Rwanda, Rwanda, the nations so poor but it still goes to war;
Rwanda, Rwanda, they’d not go to war if they knew what’s in store.

MIDDLE BIT 1

Now an air crash, back lash, has left Bantu nations both leaderless;
To lose one’s misfortune, but to lose two leaders seems more like carelessness.

CLOSING BIT 1

Rwanda, Rwanda, Burundi’s had more of the poor and the war;
They must rue the day, they separated from Rwanda.

MIDDLE BIT 2

They are Bantu Hutus, with Twa pygmy tiny minorities;
Now there’s tribal war, they’ll tread on their Tutsi’s who were the authorities.

CLOSING BIT 2
Rwanda, Rwanda, colonial rule made these tribes lose their cool;
They must rue the day, the Belgians came and took Rwanda.

Below is the song Oliver, Oliver from the musical Oliver! – the relevant bit starts about 90 seconds into this video:

Here is a link to the lyrics to Oliver, Oliver.

I can only assume that the book Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs by John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) was announced around this time.

I gave it the lyrics treatment and I think this one went down well in NewsRevue.

_ ROYALTIES IN THE UK _

(To the Tune of "Anarchy In The UK")

(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. novel-iste, be-ography etc)

INTRO

Write now……(that’s w.r.i.t.e. ha ha ha ha)

VERSE 1

I was an anarchist,
Now I’m a novelist;
I still can’t pronounce and I still seldom rhyme,
I wanna compose a book of prose;
Cos I wanna Bi-ography.

VERSE 2

Not all the Pistols could survive,
Vicious is an adjective;
It also is a proper noun,
I think I’d better write that down.
Cos I wanna be literary.

VERSE 3

A history of the punk age,
Use a safety pin to mark the page;
You wouldn’t have bet,
That I am literate,
But this author’s scheme,
Is for an income stream.

OUTRO

Cos I wanna see royalties,
(And I don’t mean the monarchy);
I want literary royalties,
(From the public library),
Cos I wanna be wealthy!!

Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:

Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:

The British National Party (BNP) was the most prominent far-right political party in the UK at that time. I wanted to have a rant about them and who could blame me?

I don;t think this lyric has enough going on though, so unsurprisingly I’m pretty sure it wasn’t used.

_ BNP _

(For Skins and Niceguys To the Tune of "ABC")

INTRO

Do-do-do, do-do-do; do-do-do, do-do-do;

VERSE

SKINS:We’re born and bred in Millwall,
Which is also known as Isle of Dogs;
SKIN 1:I-I-I’m proud to be a Brit cos I’m as thick as shit,
SKIN 2:We hate Jews and gays and wogs.
NICEGUYS:Now now now fascism is rising {SKINS: rising, rising}
NICEGUYS:From London to Ukraine {SKINS: where the hell’s Ukraine?}
NICEGUYS:To preach foul prejudice,
All you have to do is join a group like this.

CHORUSES

SKINS:The BNP, ain’t Liberal Democracy,
My factional tendency, is Nazi,
BNP is the group for me.
NICEGUYS:BNP, bigoted policy,
God help the Bangladeshis, who must be,
All at sea with the BNP now.
NICEGUYS:Fascist louts are dumb,
Senior Berlusconi won the eye tie vote with tit and bum.
SKINSBNP, like fascists in Italy,
{NICEGUYS:BNP is evil it is full of racist people
SKINS:Just purchase Milan AC, and TV,
{NICEGUYS:Tit and bum
And Saatchi for your victory.
NICEGUYS:Cos that’s how racist hate achieves,
In West Ferry and Italy,
So don’t cede,
To Nazis!!!.

Below is a video with The Jackson 5 singing ABC and the lyrics on the screen: