Category: Writing (my writing)

Yet another lyric which my log claims I penned on 6 March 1994. I’m not sure if this one was used or not; I don’t think it was…or if it was I don’t think it worked in the show.

Some good lines though, matching the lines from I Am The Walrus quite neatly.

_ THEY ARE THE TORIES _

(To the Tune of "I Am The Walrus")

VERSE 1

It’s absurd that such a turd as Douglas Hurd can run our foreign office;
See how they run those bits of a gun see how the arms, are firing.
Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for Lord Justice Scott,
Parliamentary penguins tried to cover proof up,
My they’ve all been naughty boys they are a wicked lot.

CHORUS 1

They are the egg heads {ooooh} they sold the war heads {ooooh},
They are the Tories, goob goob ga joob.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Sitting in a Baghdad garden waiting for the gun,
If the gun don’t come,
They’ll buy their Scuds from Georgia or from Ukraine.

CHORUS 2

They are the despots {ooooh}, they have the death squads {ooooh},
They are the warlords, goob goob go joob.

VERSE 2

Matrix Churchill bosses were still going down Old Bailey thanks to you,
Ministers all signed except for Heseltine says Justice Scott’s, inquiry;
(Inquiry, inquiry, inquiry.)
Yellow man don’t trust Hurd,
Although he can speak Mandarin;
Mahatir Mohamad’s angry in Malaysia,
Cos the English press say’s he made on the Pergau Dam.

CHORUS 3

They were the aid men {ooooh}, now there’s no trade men {ooooh},
They are the Tories, goob goob ga joob goob goob goob ga joob ga goob.
Oompa oompa stuff Kuala Lumpur, Kuala Lumpur stick it up your jumper, oompa oompa damn Kuala Lumpur…….(exit gracefully).

Here is a video of The Beatles singing I Am The Walrus:

By the time I wrote this piece, I had probably overdone the subject of Tory “back to basics” hypocrisy over moral issues, especially homosexuality, for NewsRevue.

A pity, really, as I think this lyric might, purely in lyrical terms, be the best of the lot.

_ SIXTEEN BUGGER YOUR EIGHTEEN _

(To the Tune of “Sixteen Going On Seventeen”)
 
INTRO
 
MP:You wait, little chap, till you’re twenty one; until then you masturbate on,
Your life, little chap, is an empty one, for MP’s to legislate on.
GAY(S):We wait on….
 
VERSE 1
 
MP:You are sixteen going on seventeen, God help you if you’re gay;
Fellows you meet, would give you a sweet and make you go the wrong way.
You are seventeen going on eighteen, too young to be so lax,
You’ll have to wait unless you are straight to indulge in sexual acts.
 
Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,
Gaiety undeclared, for you are too young to consent.
 
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do;
I’m a minister don’t think I’m sinister I’ll defile your youth.
 
VERSE 2
 
GAY(S):Under eighteen we’re in the gay scene, we don’t think we’re naive;
Your back to basics makes us young gays sick, practice what you believe.
You are sixty going on seventy, you are all out of touch,
Old public schools where you learnt the rules did not sway you old sods much.
 
Totally unprepared were you to equalise the age,
Tory MPs are scared, for you, must now face gay outrage.
 
We’ll try something harsher and wilder to get our message through,
We want sixteen bugger your eighteen, we’ll out all of you.

Here are Richard Haydn and Eleanor Parker singing Sixteen Going On Seventeen in the Sound Of Music movie:

Click here for the lyrics to Sixteen Going On Seventeen.

In 1997 I updated this lyric for some House Of Lord’s reason:

SIXTEEN BUGGER YOUR EIGHTEEN – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Sixteen Going On Seventeen”)
 
INTRO
LORD(S): You wait, little chap, till you’re aged eighteen; until then you masturbate on,
Your life, little chap, is an empty one, for we Lords to legislate on.
GAY(S): We wait on….
VERSE 1
LORD(S): You are sixteen going on seventeen, God help you if you’re gay;
Fellows you meet, would give you a sweet and make you go the wrong way.
You are seventeen going on eighteen, too young to be so lax,
You’ll have to wait unless you are straight to indulge in sexual acts.
Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,
Gaiety undeclared, for you are too young to consent.
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do;
I’m an ageing peer, no-one calls me a queer, I’ll define your youth.
VERSE 2
GAY(S): Under eighteen we’re in the gay scene, we don’t think we’re naive;
Not up for blokes and too young for smokes, this can’t be what you believe.
You are sixty going on seventy, you are all out of touch,
Old public schools where you learnt the rules did not sway you old sods much.
Totally unprepared are you to recognise young men,
New Labour want the change cos they have Chris Smith and Red Ken.
We’ll try something harsher and wilder to get our message through,
We want sixteen bugger your eighteen, we’ll out all of you.

I don’t recall seeing this one performed, but it might have been used. The perennial problem of the car industry in the UK; this news item was one of many chapters in that tale.

                                                        _ KARAOKE HONDA _

                                        (To the Tune of “Without You”)
 
HONDA EXECUTIVE:Excuse me. Is this the Rover plant Karaoke bar?
BARMAN (PIANIST):Certainly squire. That’ll be 50p for the video Karaoke machine.
 
(The Honda executive pays. The pianist strikes up the tune. The Honda executive takes up the microphone. Two members of the cast then meander around the stage throughout the song, looking into each other’s eyes and shining torches along pieces of cardboard, inscribed with large Japanese-like characters).
 
VERSE 1 – HONDA EXECUTIVE
 
Well I can’t believe it’s over, our relationship with Rover,
But I guess it’s just the way the Tories go;
We motorised your dismal lines when they ran slow, they ran slow.
We were both rolling in clover, on the back of your Land Rover,
But your German deal sucks more than you could know,
And now we’re pulling out our engines, your autos might cease to go.
 
CHORUS 1 – HONDA EXECUTIVE
 
We lost face to frigging BMW, Aerospace are a bunch of old tarts,
We won’t live in trade with BMW, we won’t give those kraut bastards our parts.
 
VERSE 2  – BMW EXECUTIVE
 
(One of the meanderers takes the microphone from the Honda executive. The Honda executive becomes a meanderer, staring longingly into the eyes of the other meanderer. The pieces of cardboard, reversed/transposed, now show German-like characters. The BMW executive has a “Stage-German” accent)
 
We just can’t believe you’re fonder of your car trade owned by Honda,
Than the thought that UK firms are German owned,
For all those years your British cars were not your own, they’d been cloned.
 
CHORUS 2 – BMW EXECUTIVE
 
We can deal without a civic Honda, it’s a steal without Honda accord,
It’s a pup this industry you squandered, this makes up for the second world war, haw haw.

Below is Harry Nilsson singing Without You with lyrics on’t screen.