Category: Writing (my writing)

The Voice Over, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1994

It possibly needs to be said that, back in the early to mid 1990s, the voices of IRA and Sinn Fein people could not be broadcast on UK media, so their words would be spoken by an actor.

This lyric is about the politics of all that Ireland stuff at that time.

There are several versions and I’m not sure how many, if any, were used. I don’t think the first/original version was used.

_ THE VOICE OVER _

(To the Tune of “The Wild Rover”)
 
VERSE 1 – GERRY ADAMS
 
(Obviously a voice over)I’ve needed voice overs for many a year,
Cos I spent all me time spreading terrorist fear;
But now that the Irish and British accord,
I might never have this voice over no more.
(His own voice now)So its no nay never,
IRA will no more,
Have a pointless voice over,
No never, no more.
 
VERSE 2 – THE GIRLS
 
We’re from Northern Ireland which you might console,
Tho’ at least we’re allowed to employ birth control;
But now Patrick Mayhew works with Fienna Foil,
They might stop us using the pill and the coil.
And once we’ve got rhythm,
To be sure to be sure,
We won’t get our legs over,
No never, no more.
 
VERSE 3 – THE REVERAND IAN PAISLEY
 
I’ve been a wild vicar for many an age,
Cos I spend all me time preaching hellfire and rage;
But now that the British might elbow me out,
I’ll get really angry and bellow and shout.
And I’ll lose my temper,
Cause a loyalist riot,
And you’ll know my life’s over,
The day I keep quiet.
 
FINAL CHORUS – ALL
 
So in Northern Ireland,
No nay never no way,
Will the violence give over,
Not yet anyway.

Below is a video of The Dubliners singing The Wild Rover with the lyrics on the screen:

I tried submitting a simplified version of the lyric a bit later in January 1994 – I think this was by request and I think one might have been used:

_ THE VOICE OVER _

(To the Tune of “The Wild Rover”)
 
VERSE 1 – GERRY ADAMS
 
(Obviously a voice over)I’ve needed voice overs for many a year,
Cos I spent all me time spreading terrorist fear;
But now that the Irish and British accord,
I might never have this voice over no more.
(His own voice now)So its no nay never,
IRA will no more,
Have a pointless voice over,
No never, no more.
 
VERSE 2 – THE REVERAND IAN PAISLEY
 
I’ve been a wild vicar for many an age,
Cos I spend all me time preaching hellfire and rage;
But now that the British might elbow me out,
I’ll get really angry and bellow and shout.
And I’ll lose my temper,
Cause a loyalist riot,
And you’ll know my life’s over,
The day I keep quiet.
 
FINAL CHORUS
 
So in Northern Ireland,
No nay never no way,
Will the violence give over,
Not yet anyway.

In May 1994 I added an additional verse at the start. I’m pretty sure this version wasn’t used in the show:

VERSE 1 – MAD MULLAH
 
I’ve been a mad mullah for many a year,
Cos I spend all my time making novelists fear;
They claim that we mullahs back the IRA,
With Iranian weapons, but we say “no way”.
Yes it’s no way never, (CHORUS:right up your cassock)
Would we fund Irish blarney,
Cos their actor voice overs,
Can’t say “Rafsanjani”.

In September 1994 I added a suggested interlude between the Adams and the Paisley verses, which again, I’m pretty sure, wasn’t used:

[Optional Patrick Mayhew or John Major: I’m not convinced that the phrases “no nay never”, “no never” and “no more” mean the same thing as perminent. It is not clear. Now if Gerry Adams had made it clear, in whatever form of words he liked, you wouldn’t have had to suffer Ian Paisley singing the next verse]

There’s No Business, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1994

This one got used a lot by various people over the years – it has a timeless quality really, apart from in mega boom times.

I really like it still, writing this up in October 2018:

_ THERE’S NO BUSINESS _

(To the Tune of “There’s No Business Like Show Business”)

 

VERSE 1

 

The miners, the builders, the dockers, the erks,

The workers who are made to foot the bill;

The bosses, employers, directors and berks,

Who pay themselves fat bonuses at will;

The green shoots that are growing like a snail,

The companies that are about to fail.

 

CHORUS 1

 

There’s no business, just slow business, and so businesses close;

All our infrastructure is unpeeling,

Everything is rotting to the core,

Britain’s bosses all are so unfeeling,

When they’re revealing,

They’re sacking more.

 

CHORUS 2

 

We’ve no people, to grow people and so people must go,

Industry’s a turkey so decayed and old,

That leaves folks stranded out in the cold,

Everybody’s business is about to fold,

So sing, dance and amuse,

Revue gladdens the news.

I had completely forgotten that original closing couplet, aiming the song as an opening or closing number for the show. It was replaced by various couplets at times, sometimes naming Chancellors, but perennially:

The market’s out of control,

We’ll all land on the dole.

Here is a clip from the movie Annie Get Your Gun:

The following version has Ethel Merman and the lyrics if you click through:

Submission To Maggie Danylewycz, Re NewsRevue, 2 January 1994

My first encounter with the superb director Maggie Danylewycz – hence my inability to spell her name that first time. This didn’t seem to put Maggie off using my material – she used loads in that run.

                    LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING


                      MAGGIE DANNIEVICH JANUARY-FEBRUARY 1994 RUN
 
Dear Maggie
 
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings.  The pack consists of mainly new songs plus one or two rewrites of older ones etc.  I haven’t included chestnuts from earlier runs, but if you want me to work on one that you have uncovered, just let me know.
 
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I shall be happy to change them on request.
 
See you soon.

Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 1 January 1994

My burst of creative energy over that seasonal break continued into the early days of 1994.

This lyric, about the Serbian wars, is the only item from my paltry song thought jottings in China, Hong Kong and Bali to make it to an actual lyric.

Quite a good one, though, which i think did well in NewsRevue and for sure did well for Ben Murphy who recorded it.

_ SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF _
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Where’ve the Balkans gone?{Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan{Mr Slobidan},  Yugoslavians  {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.
 
VERSE 2
 
Where are Bosnians?{Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan  {Mr Radovan}  Brutal Serbian  {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.
 
VERSE 3
 
Still the war goes on{Still the war goes on}
Greater Serbian  {Greater Serbian}  Strike Albanians  {Strike Albanians}
Far far away, Kosovo way.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Last year the Kosovans were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief.

Below is a video of Middle Of The Road singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, with the lyrics, such as they are, on the screen.

https://youtu.be/qljlDmYHd68

In the summer of 1995 I wrote an update of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief which I think revived the lyric in NewsRevue for several weeks:

SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF – SUMMER 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)

VERSE 1

Where’ve the Balkans gone? {Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan {Mr Slobidan}, Yugoslavians {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.

CHORUS 1

Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.

VERSE 2

Where are Bosnians? {Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan {Mr Radovan} Brutal Serbian {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.

CHORUS 2

Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.

VERSE 3

Where is UNPROFOR? {Where is UNPROFOR?}
In this brutal war {In this brutal war} Saving weak and poor? {Save the weak & poor?}
No bloody way, no bloody way.

CHORUS 3

Last year the Bosnians were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Mr Ghali, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 31 December 1993

The Mr Blobby Song was an unlikely Christmas hit in 1993. It made me think of Mr Boutros Botros-Ghali, who was Secretary-General of the UN at that time.

Some good lines, but I don’t think this one ever made the cut for the show.

                                                              _ MR GHALI _

                                                  (To the Tune of “Mr Blobby”)
 
CHORUS 1
 
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, if you could make your resolutions stand;
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, the UN would spread peace throughout the land.
Lets hear it for Mr Ghali {Boutros Boutros Ghali}
 
VERSE 1
 
His political connections are untrue,
So as far as we can see,
He’s as weak as a gnat’s pee,
There’s nothing in the world that he can do.{Mr Ghali}
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
No UN force could change the course, in Lebanon or in Saigon;
Its gone to far in Myanmar, perhaps next year save Khampuchia;
He’s not the man to free Sudan, he’s much too minor to better China;
He’s no design for Palestine, he sure lacks the knack to jack the flack.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Ghali oh Mr Ghali, when disaster strikes you never get depressed,
Bengalis and Somalis, know you’re a failure ‘tho’ you do your best.
 
VERSE 2
 
Ghali’s General Assembly is a mess,
His political initiative’s worthless;
And because of limitations in the poor United Nations,
Millions of refugees have no address.{Boutros Boutros Ghali}
 
CHORUS 3
 
Ghali, Mr Ghali, your job is to spread peace throughout the earth,
Ghali, Boutros Ghali, you must be paid far more than you are worth;
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, humanity needs diplomatic skill,
Ghali, Boutros Ghali, if you don’t stop the bloodshed then who will?

In July 1996 I tried again with this lyric, replacing the last line of the middle eight with:

He’s no design for Palestine, take Clinton’s woid “you’re unemployed”.

Below is the Mr Blobby Song & Video:

If you want to read the lyrics to the Mr Blobby Song, click here.

Russian Shock, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 December 1993

This lyric did well in NewsRevue early in 1994 if I remember correctly.

Writing more than 25 years later, in 2019, this ultra-Nationalistic Vladimir Zhirinovsky character is still hanging around in Russian politics, it seems…

…April 2022 Update: The old git has snuffed it.

Headline Photo by A. Sdobnikov, CC BY 3.0

The reference to Liberal Democrats in the Isle of Dogs was related to a local election saga in the autumn of 1993 – click here.

_ RUSSIAN SHOCK _

(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
 
The song should be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
 
INTRO
 
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
 
VERSE 1
 
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again,
Oi!!

In May 1996 I wrote an update of the above lyric:

RUSSIAN SHOCK – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
The song should possibly be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
INTRO
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
VERSE 1
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
CHORUS 1
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again;
We could vote Gennady Zyuganov,
Old style Commie, probably insane,
We could vote Yavlinsky from Yabloko,
Maybe stick with Boris Yeltsin once again,
Oi!!

Below is Dimitri Dourakine’s recording of Casatschok with a suitable miltary dancing video. No lyrics, as there aren’t any, really. Just the occasional “oy”. Or do I mean “oi”?

A Submission To Private Eye’s I-Spy Column, 28 December 1993

Clearly I had time on my hands that Twixtmas, not that the period between Christmas and New Year was thus named yet in 1993.

No doubt Daisy and I had been going through our holiday photos then and no doubt this one from Hong Kong seemed a good candidate for Private Eye.

I cannot recall whether or not they used it – I do know from memory that Private Eye did publish a couple of my occasional submissions over the years.

The Editor 28 December 1993
I-Spy Column, Private Eye
6 Carlisle Street
London
W1V 5RG
 
Dear Sir
 
HANG TAT

 
I enclose a recent photo I have taken of an art shop in Hollywood Road, Hong Kong.  I have the negative, so if you would prefer that let me know.
 
I also enclose a stamped addressed envelope for you to return the photo.
 
Yours faithfully
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

A Letter To Bill Dare At Spitting Image Re Brian Hilling’s Correspondence, 28 December 1993

Following up on the unexpected contact I’d had from Brian Hilling of Spitting Image…

A Letter To Brian Hilling At Spitting Image Re NewsRevue Lyric, “Domestic Fuel”, 28 December 1993

…I also wrote to Bill Dare:


Bill Dare 28 December 1993
Spitting Image
17-19 Plumber’s Row
London
E1 1EQ
 
 
Dear Bill
 
SONGS
 
I am writing on the advice of puppeteer Brian Hilling, who saw the enclosed song “Domestic Fuel” in News Revue and took a shine to it.
 
I have written a great deal for News Revue since your Giles Pilbrow kindly put me in touch with them many moons ago.  Spitting Image gave me a great deal of encouragement in my early days of writing, and I feel that I have been somewhat remiss in losing touch with you.
 
I have now built up a large portfolio of material and would like to meet with you to explore possibilities of using or adapting my material to suit your needs.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
enc
 
cc:Brian Hilling

Nothing came of it, meeting-wise. I’m not sure I even got a reply, but I do have a file of incoming correspondence, including some from Spitting Image, which absolutely needs to be trawled and scanned at some point.

A Letter To Brian Hilling At Spitting Image Re NewsRevue Lyric, “Domestic Fuel”, 28 December 1993

I don’t recall receiving a call from Brian Hilling of Spitting Image regarding Domestic Fuel…

Domestic Fuel, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 May 1993

…but it must have happened, otherwise I wouldn’t have written the following letter:

Brian Hilling                                                                        28 December 1993
Spitting Image
17-19 Plumber’s Row
London
E1 1EQ
 
Dear Brian
 
DOMESTIC FUEL

 
Thank you so much for taking an interest in “Domestic Fuel” and for your call.  I enclose a copy of the letter I have written to Bill plus a copy of the song for good measure.
 
Please do not hesitate to heap praise on my work and leave me messages of encouragement whenever you wish.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

Medley From Hell, Meatloaf-Style NewsRevue Lyric, 24 December 1993

[christopher simon [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]

I suppose I was hellish busy on return from our four-week trip to China, Hong Kong & Bali, so I didn’t write any humour for more than 10 days after my return.

But over that Christmas break I had a rich flowering of creative energy for NewsRevue, the first of which was this medley lyric, written on Christmas Eve.

The central conceit of it as topical humour was a news item I read that said that Meatloaf was drinking his own urine on his doctor’s advice to help his voice. Yet that specific aspect plays only a small part of the medley.

This lyric ran long in the show and in more than one format. My abiding memory has the great Paul Cawley singing the lead, but several performers capable of delivering belters did it justice.

_ MEDLEY FROM HELL _
(A Meatloaf Mini Opera)
 
There is nothing a director could do to desecrate this piece.  Motorcycles, blood and Gothic monstrosities would all be welcomed by the author.
 
NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL 1
(To the Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell”)
 
(Chorus or single voice other than Meatloaf sings)
He was born down in Texas many decades ago and his parents called him Marvin Aday,
But he said he would sooner change his name to Meatloaf because he eats a hundred burgers a day; He was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and he took it for three hundred quid,
He was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie,
(Enter Meatloaf outrageously, singing..)
But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;
 
(Now Meatloaf sings and Chorus hums refrain {sic})
But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose,
So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce;
And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well,
But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain,
Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.
 
(Chorus sings gleefully)
And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes,
Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums,
And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes,
So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon;
(Meatloaf sings mournfully)
But as I’ve sung so loud since the early seventies, I’m losing my voice too soon.
 
I PUT MY URINE INTO MY MOUTH
(To The Tune of “You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth”
 
And so I put my urine into my mouth,
Think my doctor must have took the piss;
I put my urine into my mouth,
Cos the doctor swore that it just about might save my volume,
CHORUS:volume,
And so I put my urine into my mouth,
CHORUS:think his doctor must have took the piss,
I put my urine into my mouth……..
 
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR CASH
(To the Tune of “I Would Do Anything For Love”)
 
……Cos I would do anything for slush,
Yes I would do anything for dosh,
Yes I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t lose fat,
No I won’t lose fat.
 
FATTER THAN HELL II
(To another bit of the tune “Bat Out Of Hell”)
 
So now I’m fatter than hell,
And now my stomach has swelled,
And my bladder as well.
 
Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS:  like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented),
Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS:  like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented).
And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!

Below is Bat Out Of Hell by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the lyrics don’t even start until 1’55”

Below is You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the relevant “took the words right out of my mouth” ones don’t come up until 2’05”

Below is the official video for I Would Do Anything For Love by Meatloaf, which gives the motorcycles and Gothic feel, which is probably more useful than the lyrics for this one:

In early 1994, I rewrote a scaled down solo version of this piece, with just the “Fatter Than Hell” refrain. Probably on request. I think both versions were used at one time or another:

_ FATTER THAN HELL _

(A Meatloaf Monstorosity To The Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell)
 
VERSE 1
 
I was born down in Texas many decades ago and my parents called me Marvin Aday,
But I said I would sooner change my name to Meatloaf because I eat a hundred burgers a day;
I was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and I took it for three hundred quid,
I was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie,
But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;
 
VERSE 2
 
But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose,
So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce;
And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well,
But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain,
Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.
 
CHORUS
 
And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes,
Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums,
And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes,
So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon;
But I’ve been eating so much since the early seventies, inflating like a balloon……
 
FINALE
 
So now I’m fatter than hell,
And now my stomach has swelled,
And my bladder as well.
 
Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS:  like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented),
Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS:  like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented).
And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!