Category: Writing (my writing)

Ain’t Got No…I’ll Revive, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 August 1993

The log says I write this 16 August 1993 but I certainly revived it in Amipro 17 October 1994 – doesn’t look as though I changed it much if at all.

Probably unused in 1993, possibly unused full stop.

I rather like it.

AIN’T GOT NO….I’LL REVIVE
(To the Tune of “Ain’t Got No…I Got Life” from “Hair”)

(Outrageous Hair type wigs and costumes could make this number. The song works equally well in plural as in singular….we ain’t, we got, etc)

AIN’T GOT NO…

I ain’t got no tune, ain’t got no tone,
Ain’t got no rhythm, ain’t got no score,
Ain’t got no beat, ain’t got no chorus,
Ain’t got no music, ain’t got no key, ain’t got no chords.

I ain’t got no texture, ain’t got no structure,
Ain’t got no drama, ain’t got no lyric,
Ain’t got no pitch, ain’t got no scale,
Ain’t got no tempo. ain’t got no gusto, ain’t got no plot.

MIDDLE BIT

Ohhhhh what have I got, I’ve no new hit musicals?
Ohhhhh what is in stock, all the new ones are balls.

I GOT……

I got Hair, I got Grease,
I got Cats, I got Chess;
I got Mame, Guys and Dolls,
And Joseph and Kiss Me Kate.

Got Annie and Gypsy,
And Gigi, and Tommy,
Carmen Jones, Carousel,
And Cabaret to reinstate.

I got Evita to repeat,
I got Starlight to reignite;
I may get Show Boat back afloat,
I’ll redo Godspell’s, Chorus Line.

I’ll reprise,
I’ve got old chest-nuts,
To revive!!!!

Here’s Nina Simone singing Ain’t Got No…I Got Life, with lyrics on the screen:

It’s Slow News Week, NewsRevue Lyric, 15 August 1993

According to my log, I wrote an initial version of this lyric 15 August 1993 but the first version I have in electronic form is labelled V2 from 28 August:

IT’S SLOW NEWS WEEK – REVISED

(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
 
VERSE 1
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
MPs still on holiday, if most of them would stay away,
Then things may turn out right.
It’s low news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Gummer had a rotten day, while Pete and Gini Bottomley,
Were on the Isle of Wight.
 
MIDDLE BIT 1
 
Let’s make up the news,
What can we say?
Paul Gascoigne’s fat,
And Cliff Richard might be gay {and Cliff Richard might be gay}.
 
VERSE 2
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Emma Thompson sneezed somewhere, and Kenneth Brannagh’s pubic hair,
Has started to turn grey;
It’s no news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Stephen Fry is celibate, he’d rather eat some halibut,
Than get his end away.
 
MIDDLE BIT 2
 
Let’s make up more news,
Affairs of state;
Diana’s blues,
Does Prince Edward masturbate? {does Prince Edward masturbate?}.
 
VERSE 3
 
It’s duff news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Now Ted Danson’s new toupee has helped him get his end away,
With Whoopie Goldberg’s trunk;
It gets more weak;  {ummmmmmmmm}
Hair transplant for Brian Clough but journalists are paid enough,
To spare us from this junk {so spare us from this junk, just spare us from this junk}.

Below is the song It’s Good News Week performed by Hedgehoppers Anonymous.

Click here for the lyrics to It’s Good News Week

Below is Version 3 of my lyric, dated 12 September 1993:

IT’S SLOW NEWS WEEK – REVISED

(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
 
VERSE 1
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
MPs back from holiday, if most of them had stay away,
I’m sure we still would cope.
It’s low news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Conferences are such a bore, those yanks Bill Clinton and Al Gore,
Are such a pair of dopes.
 
MIDDLE BIT 1
 
Let’s make up the news,
What can we say?
Paul Gascoigne’s fat,
And Cliff Richard might be gay {and Cliff Richard might be gay}.
 
VERSE 2
 
It’s slow news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Emma Thompson sneezed somewhere, and Kenneth Brannagh’s pubic hair,
Has started to turn grey;
It’s no news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Stephen Fry is celibate, he’d rather eat some halibut,
Than get his end away.
 
MIDDLE BIT 2
 
Let’s make up more news,
Affairs of state;
Diana’s blues,
Does Prince Edward masturbate? {does Prince Edward masturbate?}.
 
VERSE 3
 
It’s duff news week,  {ummmmmmmmm}
Now Ted Danson’s new toupee has helped him get his end away,
With Whoopie Goldberg’s trunk;
It gets more weak;  {ummmmmmmmm}
Hair transplant for Brian Clough but journalists are paid enough,
To spare us from this junk {so spare us from this junk, just spare us from this junk}.

Version 1 (which I’d guess was similar to Version 2) might turn up in hard copy form. I’ll upload a scan of it if it shows up. But it might well be lost in the mists of time.

An Unexpectedly Quiet Long Weekend Followed By NewsRevue Edinburgh Preview, 7 to 10 August 1993

By the looks of it, Ros Ellott was due to come and stay with Janie that weekend but in the end did not.

We had booked out a long weekend for the purpose.

I guess Janie and I found things to do, but none are recorded in the diary.

We both worked on the Tuesday – Janie working a very long day – then headed up to the Canal Cafe Theatre to see the Edinburgh show preview.

Elements of that particular Edinburgh show have been preserved for all posterity through a TV show named The Wire. The extracts even include one of mine – the Kate Adie Song.

The NewsRevue bit of the show starts at c7:00.

Top marks again to Janie in the stalwart stakes, coming with me to that show after a 12-13 hour working day.

Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Mangosuthu Buthelezi Days Of Summer, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 August 1993

Mangosuthu Buthelezi in 1983 photo by Rob Bogaerts / Anefo, CC BY-SA 3.0 NL

I wrote this up on the back of a 1995 electronic document…

Hazy Crazy Mangosuthu Buthelezi, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 June 1995

…but it turns out that my log records the original as 9 August 1993.

Everthing I said in that 1995 document still applies, except that the conversation that Barry Grossman and I had that summer (or as the South Africans might describe August; winter) was 1993, not 1995.

I still think that “Roll Out Those Hazy, Crazy, Mangosuthu Buthelezi Days Of Summer” is a great song title – thank you Barry Grossman.

Here’s the earliest version for which I can find an electronic file; 23 October 1993. I clearly extended the piece in 1995:

ROLL OUT THOSE HAZY CRAZY MANGOSUTHU BUTHELEZI BATTLES –  VERSION 2

 (To the Tune of “Roll Out Those Hazy Crazy Lazy Days of Summer”)

CHORUS 1

Roll out those hazy crazy Buthelezi battles,

Those wars of Zulus, Incartha and fear;

Roll out that hazy crazy Buthelezi Natal,

Natal may be independent next year.

VERSE 1

He hates that ANC man Cyril Ramaphosa,

Say’s he’s a poser,

And a jerk;

But when they’re fighting in the townships like Tokoza,

They take the F out of F.W. de Klerk.

CHORUS 2

Throw out that hazy crazy Buthelezi arsehole,

He’s made a pact with the Fascistic whites;

Just flush that shady Buthelezi down the plug hole,

And put an end to his quarrelsome fights;

Build understanding and more human rights.

Here’s Nat King Cole singing Hazy Crazy Lazy Days Of Summer with lyrics embedded:

Lilley the Prick, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 August 1993

I revived/rewrote this one in late 1995:

Lilley The Prick, NewsRevue Song, 26 November 1995

But the following lyric was the original and I think better one. Writing more than 25 years later (March 2019) I could express similar sentiments about a heartless Tory Government being mean, inconsistent and incompetent about benefits.

Peter Lilley was not/is not many people’s favourite politician.

                                               LILLEY THE PRICK

                                        (To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)
 
CHORUS 1
 
We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.
 
VERSE 1
 
Uncle Tony, was terribly bony,
He could not afford his meals;
They withdrew all his benefit claim forms,
Now he can’t get meals on wheels.
Johnny Huckle, was entitled to f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f fuck all,
He could hardly claim a sou;
They denied him his measly handouts,
Now he’s dossing in Waterloo.
 
CHORUS 2
 
We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.
 
VERSE 2
 
Peter Lilley, was pompous and silly,
He did not foresee attack;
When the Torys stabbed him with their long knives,
Peter wasn’t turning back.
Purgatory, was home to this Tory,
While the poor danced in the street;
But Saint Peter was not Lilley’s greeter,
T’was the devil he did meet.
 
CHORUS 3
 
O…….old Nick, old Nick, old Nick,
And Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
Have buggered up the DSS;
By retracting the benefit payments,
Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.

Below is a video of The Scaffold singing Lily the Pink:

Click here for the lyrics of Lily The Pink.

Submission To Matthew Woolcott’s NewsRevue Run, 4 August 1993

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING


MATTHEW WOOLCOTT AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 1993 RUN
 
Dear Matthew
 
I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my current offerings.  The pack includes some very new ones, the songs currently in the show and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. 
 
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then do let me know. 
 
See you soon.

Fergie’s No UN Envoy, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1993

I don’t think I thought all that highly of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess Of York. Here’s a lyric about her UN envoy role:

                                           FERGIE’S NO UN ENVOY

                                   (To the Tune of “She’s Always A Woman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
She can hunt with a gun,
She can ski every day;
She don’t half fuck around,
When she’s in St Tropez;
 
She can only write books for inane under threes;
She just wants to get rich, Fergie’s no UN envoy to me.
 
VERSE 2
 
She is haughty and proud,
She is not very brave, tho’;
She will go to Gorazde,
And to Sarajevo;
 
She will then sell her memoires for ginormous fees,
She’s a self centred bitch, Fergie’s no goodwill envoy to me.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
Oh – she took care of herself,
When she threw Andrew out,
He was not ready for;
 
Toes – that she put in her mouth,
When she gave her new man,
Sensual pedicures.
 
VERSE 3
 
She’s been spurned by the Queen,
So she’s not bloody goin’;
She won’t join that incompetent oaf,
David Owen;
 
She is undiplomatic,
But then so is he;
 
And the worst he can do,
Is split Kosovo too,
They should sack all these envoys swiftly.

Below is a video of Billy Joel singing She’s Always A Woman To Me with the lyrics on the screen:

I submitted a version Two three weeks later, substituting “Johnny Bryan” for “her mew man” in the middle eight. Not sure whether that was on request or just an attempt to make the lyric more useful/informative.

Who Do You Talk To, John Major?, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 July 1993

I don’t remember this one being used in NewsRevue, but neither do I recall it being rejected.

There were lots of songs and sketches about the Prime Minister at that time though and I’m not convinced this was among the best of them. One or two good lines, though.

WHO DO YOU TALK TO JOHN MAJOR


(A Quickie To the Tune of “Where Do You Go To My Lovely”)
 
VERSE 1
 
You talk like one of the Daleks,
And you dance like Coco the Clown;
Your clothes are from Marks and Spencer,
And you’ll soon bring this Government down;
(Yes you will).
 
VERSE 2
 
You live in a Georgian Terrace,
Down in Whitehall’s Downing Street;
And although you’ve been leader for ages,
You still haven’t quite found your feet;
(Or your brains or your balls).
 
CHORUS
 
Who do you talk to John Major,
When your recorder is off?
Swear when reporters surround you,
And then why don’t you just piss off.

Below is a video of Peter Sarstedt singing Where Do You Go To My Lovely with the lyrics on the screen:

The Snarling Cabbie, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused) , 27 July 1993

No wonder this lyric wasn’t used in a topical show. Writing about it more than 25 years later, March 2019, I’d only need to change a word or two to make it perfectly relevant today.

I might just do that…

THE SNARLING CABBIE


(To the Tune of “The Laughing Policeman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
PASSENGER:I know a snarling cabbie,
He really is irate;
He drives around old London town,
And gets into a state.
His black cab cuts up traffic,
He loves to shake his fist;
So people call him wanker,
On account of his firm wrist.
 
CHORUS 1
 
TAXI DRIVER:South of London? not this driver,
Now it’s time to pay.
Four pound fifty, change a fiver?
I’ve no change today.
You’ll get coated with saliva,
When I turn and say;
I aint got no sales slips neither,
Get out of me way.
 
VERSE 2
 
PASSENGER:Now folk who live in London,
Have had their fill of flack;
They hire the scabs in minicabs,
And not the taxis black.
But people went half round the bend,
Because alas alack;
The mini-cabbies snarl’s as bad,
Cos their trade’s also slack.
 
CHORUS 2
 
MINI-CABBIE:Business better?  Not in this town,
Cabbing’s now the pits;
Bleedin’ Tories, getting me down,
John Major’s a git.
Had that geezer Paddy Ashdown,
Do a back seat flit;
PASSENGER:I’ll get round by underground and dodge this heap of shit.

The embedded video below has Charles Jolly (Penrose) singing The Laughing Policeman:

If you want to read the lyrics to The Laughing Policeman, click here.

Bish Bash Bosh, NewsRevue Spin Off In Willesden, Opening Night, 22 July 1993

I have written a short piece about Bish Bash Bosh when I uncovered my submission sheet for that show – no need to repeat myself – click here or below:

Bish Bash Bosh NewsRevue Submission, 20 June 1993

On 22 July, Janie joined me and “others” for the opening night. Quite a stalwart was Janie in those days.

Harriet Quirk writes about that opening night on the NewsRevue Facebook group – click here for link:

I remember it well ! Rory Bremner came along to the first show with unfortunately only about 10 other people!…

…so that’s Rory, Janie, me, Harriet and possibly six others. We might be anble to name the whole audience if we put our minds to it. Harriet continues…

We were asked to put on shows at a venue in Willesden by a big Newsrevue fan and after lots of deliberation could only come up with Bish Bash Bosh as a name. Unfortunately it didn’t take off ?

I responded:

The place was a dive if I remember correctly. I must interrogate Janie about it and see what she remembers. I do recall her not liking the place and forming a strong view that Newsrevue wouldn’t work there. 

Yup, that’s just about all she remembers.

I wonder whether anyone has the running order for that show. The only artifact that provides more clues I scraped from a comedy collective site some months ago – good job I scraped it because it has now gone. I have thus preserved one of Ivan Shakespeare’s classic songs – The Subsidy Song – for posterity. It was for sure in this Bish Bash Bosh show. Here’s the link again – enjoy.

That sheet confirms the Bish Bash Bosh cast…and what an excellent cast it was – scraped below with spellings/misspellings intact:

Jonathon Linsley, Paul Dietch, Paula Tappenden, Virginie Gilchrist and Una McNulty