According to my log, I wrote an initial version of this lyric 15 August 1993 but the first version I have in electronic form is labelled V2 from 28 August:
IT’S SLOW NEWS WEEK – REVISED
(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
VERSE 1
It’s slow news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
MPs still on holiday, if most of them would stay away,
Then things may turn out right.
It’s low news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Gummer had a rotten day, while Pete and Gini Bottomley,
Were on the Isle of Wight.
MIDDLE BIT 1
Let’s make up the news,
What can we say?
Paul Gascoigne’s fat,
And Cliff Richard might be gay {and Cliff Richard might be gay}.
VERSE 2
It’s slow news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Emma Thompson sneezed somewhere, and Kenneth Brannagh’s pubic hair,
Has started to turn grey;
It’s no news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Stephen Fry is celibate, he’d rather eat some halibut,
Than get his end away.
MIDDLE BIT 2
Let’s make up more news,
Affairs of state;
Diana’s blues,
Does Prince Edward masturbate? {does Prince Edward masturbate?}.
VERSE 3
It’s duff news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Now Ted Danson’s new toupee has helped him get his end away,
With Whoopie Goldberg’s trunk;
It gets more weak; {ummmmmmmmm}
Hair transplant for Brian Clough but journalists are paid enough,
To spare us from this junk {so spare us from this junk, just spare us from this junk}.
Below is the song It’s Good News Week performed by Hedgehoppers Anonymous.
Click here for the lyrics to It’s Good News Week
Below is Version 3 of my lyric, dated 12 September 1993:
IT’S SLOW NEWS WEEK – REVISED
(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
VERSE 1
It’s slow news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
MPs back from holiday, if most of them had stay away,
I’m sure we still would cope.
It’s low news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Conferences are such a bore, those yanks Bill Clinton and Al Gore,
Are such a pair of dopes.
MIDDLE BIT 1
Let’s make up the news,
What can we say?
Paul Gascoigne’s fat,
And Cliff Richard might be gay {and Cliff Richard might be gay}.
VERSE 2
It’s slow news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Emma Thompson sneezed somewhere, and Kenneth Brannagh’s pubic hair,
Has started to turn grey;
It’s no news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Stephen Fry is celibate, he’d rather eat some halibut,
Than get his end away.
MIDDLE BIT 2
Let’s make up more news,
Affairs of state;
Diana’s blues,
Does Prince Edward masturbate? {does Prince Edward masturbate?}.
VERSE 3
It’s duff news week, {ummmmmmmmm}
Now Ted Danson’s new toupee has helped him get his end away,
With Whoopie Goldberg’s trunk;
It gets more weak; {ummmmmmmmm}
Hair transplant for Brian Clough but journalists are paid enough,
To spare us from this junk {so spare us from this junk, just spare us from this junk}.
Version 1 (which I’d guess was similar to Version 2) might turn up in hard copy form. I’ll upload a scan of it if it shows up. But it might well be lost in the mists of time.