Category: Writing (my writing)

I’m not sure whether this one ever saw the light of day in the show – Michael Eriera did used to use a lot of mine, even if they weren’t overtly funny.

But on re-reading this lyric 25 years later I am quite taken by some of the rhymes and in particular by the strength of sentiment I wanted to get across and, I think, managed to get across within a very sparse word pattern.

YUGO YUGO

(To the Tune of “Iko Iko”)

 

VERSE 1

My Grand Duke told your Grand Duke, the Balkan scene is dire;

My Grand Duke said to your Grand Duke, we’ll let them wallow in the mire.

 

CHORUS 1

Talking ’bout Yugo {Yugo} Yugo {Yugo}

Yugoslav-ee-i-ay; {Oh, oh}

Cannot interfere with Balkan ways, never mind the folks they slay.

 

VERSE 2

Look at those troops with blue berets, Boutros Boutros Ghali;

I bet you five dollars they do nothing today, UN troops will keep away.

 

CHORUS 2

Talking ’bout Boutros {Boutros} Boutros {Boutros}

Boutros Boutros Ghali; {Oh, oh}

Fails to save the Bosnian Muslims, fails to save the Somalis.

 

VERSE 3

My envoy told your envoy, Radovan’s a liar;

My envoy told your envoy, he’s goanna set Tuzla on fire.

 

CHORUS 3

Talking ’bout Cyrus {Cyrus} Cyrus {Cyrus}

Cyrus Vance and Owen; {Oh, oh}

When will the UN do anything, when will the UN go in?

 

VERSE 4

Look at those Serbs all dressed in green, Boutros Boutros Ghali;

They’re not just men they are killing machines, goanna rape and loot and slay.

 

CHORUS 4

I suggest you go {you go} you go {you go}

You go to Gorazde, {Oh, oh}

I shall keep a safe distance away, I shall stay at home and pray,

Yes, lets just stay at home and pray, lets just stay at home and pray;

{Boutros!!}

Below is a little vid with The Dixie Cups singing Iko Iko and the lyrics on the screen:

What this one lacks in humour it can’t quite make up for with historical accuracy and clever rhymes on the names of obscure Slavic places and politicians names.

Some good lines though.

I cannot think of lyrics that work to Copacabana without remembering John Random’s classic: “His name was Tony, He was an arsehole, he used to drive his kids to school in a Japanese four-wheel cruiser.  It was a Shogun, from Mitsubishi…”

If we ask John nicely he might fill in the rest – I can recall some excellent fragments.

Anyway, my lyric that works to that tune reads like this:

BOSNIA-HERCEGOVINA

(To the Tune of “Copacabana”)

 

VERSE 1

His name was Owen, he was a shamen,

With his thick grey wavy hair, he looked like a grizzly bear,

And his friend Cyrus, did not inspire us,

From his compromising stance, you could see those Serbs ‘ad Vance;

Across poor Bosnia, those Serbs took Gorazde,

They were young and they had more weapons in Srebenica.

 

CHORUS 1

It’s Bosnia-Hercegovina, the place could not be more obscener;

In Bosnia-Hercegovina, when they’re not shooting, those Serbs are out looting,

In Bosnia, it’s hell on earth. {Bosnia-Hercegovina}

 

VERSE 2

Now Billy Clinton, hated what went on,

So he got his UN clone, to declare a no fly zone,

To aid the mission, for a partition,

In the way that Owen says, have ten separate provinces;

But Serbs won’t play along, they’ve had their way too long,

They’ve killed and raped and maimed and looted, but claim they’re not wrong.

 

CHORUS 2

It’s Bosnia-Hercegovina, the Serbs took to the ethnic cleaners,

Poor Bosnia-Hercegovina, Serbs break the silence, with combat and violence,

In Bosnia, it’s getting worse. {Bosnia-Hercegovina}

 

VERSE 3

One day Lord Owen, that aging shamen,

Got that old Serb git Radovan, to sign the Vance-Owen plan,

The folks in Britain, were truly smitten,

They didn’t realise this plan, had really only just began,

The UN went in more, they said they must make sure,

That the Muslims, Serbs and Croats really stop the war.

 

CHORUS 3

In Bosnia-Hercegovina, these rhymes get progressively thinner,

With Bosnia-Hercegovina, (once) they stop berating we’ll start celebrating,

For Bosnia, let’s hope peace lasts.

Here is Barry Manilow singing Copacabana with lyrics:

In June 1993 I updated Verse 3 and Chrus 3:

VERSE 3
 
One day Lord Owen, that aging shamen,
Was shocked when he learned Radovan, would not back the Owen plan,
Muslims and Croats, then had a go at,
Each other – the Vance-Owen plan, went right back where it began;
The UN’s best defence, was sitting on the fence,
Hoping Muslims, Serbs and Croats someday cease offence.
 
CHORUS 3
 
In Bosnia-Hercegovina, the vultures are the only winners
With Bosnia-Hercegovina, if they stop berating we’ll start celebrating,
For Bosnia, let’s hope for peace.

My journal note for this lyric reads:

Tribute to the comedy legend Terry Randall

I’m going to guess that I wasn’t overly enamoured of Terry Randall’s March to April 1993 NewsRevue run. Presumably I wrote this for a smoker or just to show around the writers, some others of whom might well have been similarly disaffected:

TITTY TITTY BUM BUM

(A Song in memory of Terry Randall’s run to the Tune of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”)

 

INTRO

Titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum,

Titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum,

Titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum;

 

CHORUS 1

Ha ha titty titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum’s what we do,

And this titty titty bum bum, is a pretty dull dum News Revue;

Where has all the audience gone, they’re to thick to get the joke,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, push pricks pubes paps and poke,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, with TV sport and soap.

 

TV SPORT AND SOAP

East Enders screw everyone,

Brookside viewers read the Sun,

While Sky TV’s dropping like a stone;

Paul Gascoigne’s knee’s terrible,

And Vinnie Jones gropes the ball,

Mike Gatting is batting his bone.

 

CHORUS 2

Ha ha titty titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum’s all we’ve got,

And this titty titty bum bum, is a shitty rum numb not a lot;

Where have all the writers got to, they all know they’re out of luck,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, so News Revue is stuck,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, but we don’t give a fuck.

{Titty titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum, you’re all wankers, titty titty bum}

Below is embedded the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Theme Tune:

Here is a link to those Chitty Chitty Bang Bang lyrics.

25 years later Europe still dominates our politics here in the UK – oh boy.

Anyway, the Maastricht Treaty was the hot potato in 1993. I wrote this:

MA STRICHT

(To the Tune of “Ma Baker”)

 

FEMALE VOICE:Freeze, this here’s the Ma Stricht treaty.  Put your hands in the air and gimme all your constitutional powers.

MALE VOICE:This is the story of Ma Stricht.  The longest bill in old Westminster town.

 

VERSE 1

It was the longest bill, At the third reading stage,

A repetitious bill,It seemed to take an age,

It was no fun at all,No no no fun at all;

It was the tritest act, In old Westminster town,

A most prosaic act, They tried to bring it down,

Till the whips came along,Then Tories played along.

 

CHORUS 1

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht is, Parliament’s main fight,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht keeps, MPs up all night,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht is, as boring as hell,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht cos it’s the Lords match as well.

 

VERSE 2

She was the meanest cow,In old Westminster town,

An old and bitter cow,In her red Ermine gown;

She had no heart at all,No no no heart at all;

She used her heavy mob,These thugs all owed her credit,

An evil heavy mob,Lord Joseph and Lord Tebbit;

They had no heart at all,And had no brains to call.

 

CHORUS 2

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher, she and her old Peers,

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher, fought Europe for years,

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher, she thought the EC,

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher ought to stage World War Three.

 

MAJOR:This is a special bulletin.  Marge Thatcher is the Tory Whip’s most considerably wanted woman.  Oh yes.  If you see anyone voting with this woman, please report it immediately to Tory Central Office.

THATCHER:Don’t anybody move.  Hand over that treaty.

 

VERSE 3

John Major’s dull and thick, But he knows Thatcher’s ploys,

He’ll make the treaty stick,With his Tory whip boys,

Though it won’t work at all,Cos it’s not meaningful.

 

CHORUS 3

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht oh, when will the end come?

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht needs, a referendum,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht has, got nowhere to go,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht cos half of Europe says “no”.

Here is a vid of Boney M (probably) singing Ma Baker:

Here is a link to Ma Baker lyrics.

Jimmy Knapp was the leader of the National Union Of Railwaymen (latterly and by the time of this lyric the RMT).

The “Reid” mentioned in the lyric is Bob Reid, who chaired British Rail at that time, not John Reid who was Minister of Transport a few year’s later.

Jimmy Knapp was somewhat in the news most of the time but in truth wasn’t big news that spring. I don’t think this lyric was used.

JIMMY KNAPP

(To the Tune of “Jimmy Mack” – backing vocals are easier done than read)

CHORUS 1

Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, when are trains coming back?

Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re running off the track.

VERSE 1

MacGregor’s cursing you,

Bob Reid feels the same way too;

You stick to your lines like glue,

BR staff’s relying on you;

Worker’s chief fear is that you will fail,

To save those jobs in British Rail.

CHORUS 2

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re taking all the flak,

Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, it’s trains that Britons lack.

VERSE 2

He calls Reid on the phone,

About three times a day;

But it’s hard to listen to,

What Knapp has to say;

Cos everything Jim says to you,

Is in a deep Glasweigan hue.

CHORUS 3

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack,

Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack {stale and vapid}

{Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack, Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack}

 

VERSE 3

I wanna say, un-i-ons aren’t getting stronger,

But the trains don’t run any longer,

Briton’s trains are empty,

Cos Jimmy he’s in charge of the RMT.

CHORUS 4

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’d better mind the gap,

Jimmy, (costs are rising), Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, cos British Rail is crap.

I attempted an updated version in June 1995, which went as follows:

JIMMY KNAPP
(To the Tune of “Jimmy Mack” – backing vocals are easier done than read)

CHORUS 1

Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, when are trains coming back?
Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re striking Railtrack.

VERSE 1

Railtrack are cursing you, commuters feel the same way too;
You stick to your lines like glue, signalmen aren’t working for you;
You took the bosses by surprise, with union action for a huge pay rise.

CHORUS 2

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re taking all the flak,
Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, it’s trains that Britons lack.

VERSE 2

He calls Bob on the phone, about three times a day;
But it’s hard to listen to, what Knapp has to say;
Cos everything Jim says to you, is in a deep Glasweigan hue.

CHORUS 3 (SUNG IN A VERY DEEP GLASWEIGAN HUE)

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack,
Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack {stale and vapid}
{Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack, Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack}

VERSE 3 (BACK TO NORMALITY)

I wanna say, un-i-ons aren’t getting stronger,
And the trains don’t run any longer,
Briton’s trains are empty,
Cos Jimmy he’s in charge of the RMT.

CHORUS 4

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you mind the income gap,
Jimmy, {wages rising}, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, cos British Rail is crap.

Here are Martha and the Vandellas singing Jimmy Mack – embedded below or click this link to also see lyrics in YouTube: