Category: Writing (my writing)

Comedy In The Zone, An Unintentional Sketch In Earls Court, Then Canal Cafe Theatre For Swing Low Sweet Testicles by Noel Christopher, Then NewsRevue Christmas Run, 17 December 1992

I was reminded of this day in conversation with John Random in February 2021. I have just received a bundle of scripts and ephemera from Erica Stanton, Chris Stanton’s widow, including materials pertaining to the show, Swing Low Sweet Testicles.

John reflected on the show and mentioned a diary note about promoting the show on 15 December. I remembered seeing the show at that time, checked my diary and discovered that I saw the show on 17 December.

Below is the B-Side of the flyer for that show. The reviews must relate to an earlier Noel Christopher extravaganza, known simply as The Show, scripts for which also arrived in Erica’s bundle.

Swing Low Sweet Testicles itself mustered at least one decent review:

Can’t imagine where City Limits got that date range from – it ran from December 9th 1992 to January 17th 1993.

The cast and crew were NewsRevue stalwarts and most had been somewhat involved in my early successes with that mob.

Brian Jordan, who directed “Testicles“, had debuted my material at Edinburgh that summer, with The Ultimate Love Song in his show Whoops Vicar Is That Your Dick? He was partial to a good nob title, was Brian.

Even earlier in my so-called writing career, the late great Chris Stanton had been the first professional performer to tread the boards with one of my lyrics.

I don’t think that Cliff Kelly had yet overlapped with my material in NewsRevue, but I might be mistaken.

Chloe Lucas had done a magnificent job of belting my Coal Digger song in the Autumn NewsRevue run preceding Swing Low Sweet Testicles. I’m pretty sure that the Coal Digger song, along with a couple of my others, was in the Christmas run of NewsRevue which I saw (for a second time) after Testicles.

Anyway, I rather enjoyed Swing Low Sweet Testicles. I was partial to Noel’s writing and was glad of the opportunity to see some of his less-topical, more-enduring material.

Below is the programme for the NewsRevue show that night, which I stayed on to see for a second time, having seen the opening night on 26 November.

Earlier That Day…Getting Into The Zone

My diary also records a memorable working day. Memorable for inadvertent, comedic reasons.

I was working as a management consultant for Binder Hamlyn at that time. On that day, I accompanied the National VAT Partner, Alan Buckett, to visit a large European Manufacturing Group, whose UK headquarters were out on the M4 corridor, to help them get their heads around something or other.

We were done with that by lunchtime and Alan suggested stopping for a bite to eat in Earls Court – a convenient stop on the way back to the City for him and a short hop to home for me, as I had an early-evening engagement with Testicles and didn’t want to go back to the City.

Alan parked his car and we walked down the Earls Court Road, in search of a wine bar/restaurant someone had recommended to him.

Ah, there it is…

…said Alan, striding towards the place he had been aiming towards.

But instead of walking down the stairs to, as I could see it, the entrance to the wine bar in question, Alan marched up the stairs and into…

Clonezone. I believe it is accurate to describe that particular store as a Gay fetishist fashion emporium.

35 Years Of Clonezone

I tried to stop him, but Alan had his stomp on and disappeared into the shop.

I waited outside for what seemed ages but was probably only a few seconds.

The tall, besuited Alan, who normally looked every inch a City gent, retreated from Clonezone rather sheepishly.

I smiled.

Alan and I went into the wine bar restaurant for a light lunch and a debrief.

Towards the end of the lunch, Alan said,

When you get back to the office, I’d just prefer it if you didn’t mention…

…I said that his Clonezone secret was safe with me. Alan is long-since retired now and I’m pretty sure, if he remembers the story at all, it’d be the funny side of it that has stuck in his mind.

Alan might well have shocked the clones within as much as they (and the place) shocked him.

My Genitalia, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 December 1992

This lyric is shown on my January 1993 “Bowden submission sheet” – click here for link to that artefact.

It hadn’t been used in late 1992 (unsurprising, as the Christmas run tended to keep any December material out until January) so I resubmitted it in early 1993.

I don’t think the song was used, nor on re-reading it do I think it should have been. I cannot recall precisely why it seemed topical to write this song and/or to rhyme “Austin Metro” with “hetero” in Verse Three, but I think someone somewhere was caught doing something sexual with the exhaust of his car.

Click here or below for a link to My Generation by The Who, including their original lyrics for the tune.

♬ MY GENITALIA ♬

 (To the Tune of “My Generation”)

VERSE 1 – INTRODUCTION OF THE UNFORTUNATE CHARACTER

People try to put them down,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Just because they’re small and round;

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

The things I say are always crude,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Cos I can never get myself screwed.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 2 – HE’S ON HIS OWN

Why don’t I just f-f-f-feel myself,

{talking ’bout my masturbation}

My DIY kit on the shelf;

{talking ’bout ejaculation}

The doctors call it sexual failure,

{talking ’bout my gamomania}

Just talking ’bout my genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 3 – EXTRA VERSE WHILE THIS STORY IS STILL TOPICAL

People think that I’m not hetero,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Because I love my Austin Metro;

{talking ’bout my monomania}

I lust for its boot and regalia,

{talking ’bout my gamomania}

And that exhausts my genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 4 – HE’S OFF

Women try to put me down,

{talking ’bout emasculation}

Cos I’m the biggest prick in town;

{talking ’bout exaggeration}

I’ll take a trip out to Australia,

{talking ’bout a grand vacation}

Where all men talk about genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Boutros Boutros, NewsRevue Quickie, 1 December 1992

I don’t think this was used.

Pearls before swine, some of my material back then.

BOUTROS BOUTROS – 3rd PERSON

(To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)

Boutros Boutros you’re a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros}

Your troops in Mogadishu wish you’d die;{Boutros Boutros}

You try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros}

By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros}

To free,

Somalis,

Boutros Boutros,

Boutros Ghali.

 

BOUTROS BOUTROS – 1st PERSON

(To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)

 

Boutros Boutros I’m a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros}

My troops in Mogadishu wish I’d die;{Boutros Boutros}

I try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros}

By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros}

To free,

Somalis,

Boutros Boutros,

Boutros Ghali.

Here is Connie Francis singing Stupid Cupid:

…and here is a link to the lyrics of Stupid Cupid.

Fair Weather Friend, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 November 1992

In autumn 1992, I was still coming to terms with what worked and what didn’t work for NewsRevue. After all, I had only discovered the place that spring. It is part of the Bowden submission of January 1993 and I’m pretty sure it didn’t get used.

This lyric is not topical and really doesn’t belong in that show, although it might have done something in some other show – still might.

I quite like it, although on re-reading it all these years later (December 2016) I thought the lyric needed some work and that I might work up a variant for my baritone uke.

When I did so, with very minor changes (Spring 2017 – not reflected in the text below), Janie really liked it, finding it delightfully nasty.

“Were you really pissed off with someone or depressed when you wrote that?”, asked Janie.

“I don’t think so…I’d just started going out with you,” was my reply.

After a mini song contest on Good Friday 2017, I decided to lay a track down using the slightly amended lyric and Benjy the Baritone Ukulele:

 

♬ FAIR WEATHER FRIEND ♬

(To the Tune of “You’ve Got a Friend”)

 

VERSE 1

When you’re low and worried,

And you need some tender care,

And nothing, nothing appears to fit;

Close your eyes, envisage me,

You know I won’t be there,

And say to yourself, “Christ, s/he’s a selfish git”.

 

CHORUS 1

You can call out my name,

And if nothing better crops up,

I might be there,

To drive you round the bend;

When you throw a party I’ll show,

Send me free tickets, I’ll go,

I’m a scrounger (yes I am),

A fair weather friend.

 

MIDDLE BIT

Now ain’t it good to have,

A fair weather friend,

Cos some people get too close;

They’ll smother,

Like your mother,

And make you feel real guilty,

When you’re out with others.

 

CHORUS 2

You just call out my name,

But you don’t suppose I’ll show up,

Unless you’ve something,

I want that you’ll lend;

If there’s something in it for me,

I may pop around briefly,

I’m a bastard (yes I am),

A fair weather friend.

 

Ain’t it good to have,{fair weather friends}

You can piss on them,{fair weather friends}

Or they’ll crap on you,{fair weather friends}

Oh yeh.{fair weather friends}

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Click here or below for a link to Carole King singing You’ve Got A Friend, with original lyrics.

https://youtu.be/qde5NMy7WTU

 

 

Letter To Jacqui Somerville Dated 28 November 1992


                                                           28 November 1992
 
Dear Jacqui,
 
Congratulations once again on an excellent opening night.  Please pass on my compliments to the cast and John Moore.
 
I enclose some material for the party.  I very much regret I shall miss it.
 
FAIR WEATHER FRIEND
 
I recall that you like Carol[e] King songs, so I thought you may like to try this nasty little number.  It is hot off the scribble pad.
 
WE DIDN’T LEARN THE LINES
 
I felt very sorry for the cast trying to learn such a difficult song at such short notice for their opening night.  But no subject is sacred in News Revue and I think this version may raise the odd smile.
 
SONG TO PERSECUTE YOU
 
This is a little dig at John Random for his zealous blacklist of certain songs.  If you really want to annoy John, all you have to do is use songs like “Chattanooga”, “My Favourite Things”, “Maria”, “YMCA”……….
 
LUMPS
 
When Paula was directing the show, her cast very specifically commissioned this odious ditty.  Paula then spiked it, saying it was too nasty for public consumption.  However, in the privacy of our own News Revue party, I think the least that Jon and Paula can do to compensate me is to give the song one solitary performance before it is laid to rest.
 
NUDE FOR THOUGHT
 
Now that 0898 is personga non grata, perhaps Clive Gehle could use this song to entertain the crowds in his wonderful J Arthur Ranker character.  This song was never performed, so will be new to most of the throng.
 
Well that’s it.  I hope the party is a barrel of laughs.  No doubt I shall hear about it afterwards.  Meanwhile, I shall be telling all my friends how good the new show is, and shall come and see you all again before Christmas.
 
Best wishes to all

Up The Creek With Janie & Annalisa & Gerry Goddin But Without A Paddle, To See Ben Murphy, 28 November 1992

Times change. These days (he says writing in late 2019) Up The Creek Comedy Club is located in trendy Greenwich and is perceived as a happening place on the comedy scene.

In 1992, Up The Creek’s was deemed to be located at Deptford Creek and its reputation was seriously edgy. When people spoke of an act dying there, it was quite possible that there was need for a post-mortem and funeral thereafter. Back then, the place was quite new, having replaced Malcolm Hardee’s famous (or should I say infamous) The Tunnel Club only a year or so earlier.

Mark Ahsmann [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)]

So what in the name of common sense were Janie, me, Annalisa and Gerry Goddin doing going to that place on a Saturday night?

We went to see the west-country comedian Ben Murphy perform. Ben had recently engaged with some of us Newsrevue writers and had especially taken a shine to some of my lyrics, which he was proposing to try out at Up The Creek that night.

Here is a link to my first letter to Ben – only a week or so before the Up The Creek visit – a very business like and quite counter-cultural letter viz the Ben I subsequently got to know rather well. Perhaps that is why I tended to get paid by Ben, whereas some less commercially-minded writers are (I believe) still waiting for their royalty cheques.

Here and below is a link to Ben’s subsequent recording of The Ultimate Love Song, one of several of mine that he used regularly live and also recorded:

The Ultimate Love Song, Ben Murphy Recording, 1993

Menawhile, back in November 1992, Janie and I actually moved an appointment to eat with Janie’s mum, plus twin-sister Phillipa and niece Charlotte, which was due to happen that evening. If my memory serves me correctly, we all went for a Chinese meal at North China on the Uxbridge Road at lunchtime the next day instead. I think that was the first time I met those three.

So, if I now point out that seeing my material, in the hands of Ben Murphy, doing battle with that seriously-arsy Deptford comedy crowd, was a far LESS daunting prospect than the thought of meeting Janie’s mum…

…but then you wouldn’t have tried mother-in-law/my girlfriend’s mother jokes at Up The Creek in 1992; that would not have ended well.

I do recall warning both Janie and Annalisa that it would be seriously risky for us to “take on the audience” if they turned against Ben. In those days, even Gerry Goddin was able to quell his instincts to chirp back in such circumstances, but I wasn’t so sure about the girls.

In the event, Ben went down pretty well at Up The Creek and we all survived the experience. Some acts that night were less fortunate than Ben…

…but then most of those acts were less naturally talented and less able to control an audience than Ben Murphy.

I have managed to find a video of Ben Murphy performing live, many years later, in less edgy circumstances – on that south-west coast circuit that he made his own for a long time:

I remember that Janie insisted on driving to Up The Creek and that we dropped Annalisa and Gerry home, as both of them, in those days, lived conveniently en route or near to Janie’s place.

This evening was an unforgettable experience that certainly helped forge my links with Ben Murphy…

…but it did not stoke a desire in me to write comedy for or see comedy in edgy clubs like Up The Creek.

We Didn’t Learn The Lines, NewsRevue Smoker Lyric, 28 November 1992

Rummaging through my electronic filing cabinet, I found this little piece; unloved even to the extent that it had not even been catalogued back in the day.

I must have written it as an in joke for a NewsRevue smoker – we had a few of those “writers and performers parties” back then – perhaps to celebrate the opening of the Christmas run or the end of the run that preceded it.

So, he says, writing 25 years later, just ahead of the last Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner of 2017, here is a question for advanced students – name all of the people referred to in my lyric.

I’ll up the answers (and any outstanding questions) when I write up the dinner. I’m good for all-but two names myself.

Part of the in-joke must have been in the choice of song itself. Graham Robertson had rattled off a brilliant topical song the week before in response to the Windsor Castle fire: “One Didn’t Start The Fire”. I’m guessing that the cast had struggled to assimilate all of the wonderful, wordy lines of that song ahead of its first Thursday performance. If Graham is able to dig out that lyric – I’d love to up it here as guest piece.

1992 might have been an annus horribilis for the Queen and the royal family but it was an annus mirabilis for me and for NewsRevue.

Anyway here is my end of 1992 smoker lyric:

WE DIDN’T LEARN THE LINES

(To the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”)

(Cast take the stage looking exuberant and full of confidence)

VERSE

Jacqui found the song appealing,

Tho’ it’s not by Andrew Whelan;

Darryl couldn’t make rehearsal,

“Auditioning an ad for Persil”;

 

Becca can’t remember names,

Ballet dancing’s more her game;

Sasha’s not a good recaller,

Jon is staying home with Paula.

 

CHORUS

We didn’t learn the lines,

Tra la la la la la,

Fa la la la la la;

We didn’t learn the lines,

Fa la la la la la,

Tra la la la la la.

 

(Cast leave the stage in total confusion)

Click here for a link to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” lyrics.

My First Letter To Harold Davison, 23 November 1992

On the back of the material I was writing for the Canal Cafe, I chatted with Harold Davison at lunch the Sunday before this letter. He is Gary’s dad; I have known Gary for ages through DJ and Kim.

Anyway, Harold wanted to show a lyric of mine to Frank Sinatra and Sammy Cahn…and who was I to refuse?

Here is a link to the tag of all my correspondence/lyrical interactions with Harold.

Flat 4
12 Clanricarde Gardens
London W2 4NA
71-243-0725
 
                                                                         23 November 1992
 
Dear Harold,
 
I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
 
It was a pleasure to meet you at the Royal Garden last week.  I found your comments on lyric writing and satire both interesting and helpful.
 
I have produced a parody of the above number, as requested.  I hope it meets with your approval, and with that of Sinatra himself.  I would be most interested to learn how it is received.
 
I must now away, to prepare myself for the Venice trip with my Chiropodist friend!
 
Yours sincerely
 

I’ve Mushrooms Under My Skin, Lyric For NewsRevue and/or Frank Sinatra, 21 November 1992

Harold Davison was, by this time, taking some of my lyrics back to the states with him and showing them to his friends.

Harold told me that Frank Sinatra would enjoy a parody lyric to the tune “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”, as that song was a personal favourite of Frank’s.

Never one to waste an opportunity to double or treble up, my mind turned to the recent Fergie & Johnny Byrne royal toe-sucking scandal and to the profession of my new squeeze, Janie, in the hope that the same song might strike NewsRevue gold.

It didn’t strike NewsRevue gold, although Janie really liked it.

Harold told me that Frank thought the lyric was funny, but I think that if Frank had actually sung it at a smoker or a party, Harold would have told me about it.

I’VE MUSHROOMS UNDER MY SKIN

(To the Tune of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”)

 

SPOKEN INTRO

This song is dedicated to all the unfortunate people out there whose health problem prevents them from enjoying the most trendy erotic pleasures.  I mean of course, those blighted with the dreaded fungus, athletes foot.

 

VERSE 1

I’ve mushrooms under my skin,

I’ve mildew deep in the arch of feet;

So deep in my arch they really enlarge my feet,

I’ve mushrooms under my skin.

 

VERSE 2

 

You’ve got me on the Mycin,

You’ve got me deep in chiropody;

So deep is your cut it’s really podiatry,

You’ve got me on the Mycin.

 

MIDDLE BIT

I crave for a tender pedal caress,

From a former actress or ex Duchess;

For there’s love afoot with sensuousness,

When my mate,

Osculates,

On my toe.

 

CLIMAX

Even priests confess,

It isn’t a sin;

To want to bed you for,

An oral pedicure.

 

But each time you do,

The sight of mildew,

Makes you stop before you begin,

Cos I’ve mushrooms under my skin.

(And I like nudes under my shin.)

Here’s a vid of “Ole Blue Eyes” singing that Cole Porter song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiSKXxWgA4w

…and a link to the lyrics of I’ve Got You Under My Skin – here.

 

My First Letter To Ben Murphy, 20 November 1992

I’m not sure how I missed this one on my first electronic pass, as I do have an electronic copy of the letter. I’m guessing that Harriet must have given Ben my phone number.

The first of much too-ing and fro-ing with Ben, who was an Irish comedy performer based in the South-West. Here is a link to the tag showing all of my interactions with him posted so far.

I mention the White House song – I wonder what the other one was?:


                                                           20 November 1992
 
Dear Ben,
 
Thank you for calling me yesterday regarding my lyrics.  I enjoyed talking with you about them. 
 
I enclose the two songs you requested.  The White House song I have slightly revamped for you into a solo version.  (I also enclose the original duo version for your information).
 
As we agreed, these two songs are £10 each for you to try, plus a further £15 each should you decide to use them as a regular feature in your live show.  As we discussed, this agreement covers live performance only and is non-exclusive. 
 
Should you wish to use the material for other purposes (e.g. broadcast, publication or recording) we would need to discuss terms.  Please note that in most of these circumstances you would also need permission from the publishers of the music.  I imagine that your agents would be able to help you with these arrangements should the need arise.
 
I understand that you are performing in London in the near future and that some of the News Revue crowd are planning to see your show.  I shall try to make myself available for that trip.
 
I shall give some thought to the styles that we discussed on the phone and may have a go at writing some lyrics along those lines.  By all means get in touch if you think of anything else you want.
 
I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you soon.  Thank you once again for your interest in my material.
 
Yours sincerely