Category: Writing (my writing)

Meet Me In Panama, NewsRevue Lyric, Unused, 11 July 1992

A busy weekend of writing; this particular day was also my first session with Michael Mainelli to discuss the idea that became Clean Business Cuisine – but that’s another story to be Ogblogged separately.

I’ll guess that I wrote this lyric in the morning before having lunch with Michael…

…guessing that neither my creative mind nor my alcohol-addled brain will have been up to much after the long lunchtime session.

Anyway, this lyric is about the Noriega saga (Panama) which was in the news at the time. It has a few decent lines in it, but didn’t make the cut for the show and I can understand why.

MEET ME IN PANAMA

(To the Tune of “Meet Me on the Corner”)

 

VERSE 1 – US MARINES SEIZE MANUEL NORIEGA

Hey Mr Noriega, how have you been,

Tell me, have you Coke folks can snort?

We came along, to seize you by the shlong,

And to seize the blow you export.

 

You and your mates, must come back to the States,

Where we’re gonna jam you in gaol,

You are Commie gits, and you have a lot of zits,

So I schmeck that our law suit won’t fail.

 

CHORUS 1 – US MARINES SEIZE MANUEL NORIAGA

Meet us in Panama,

When the drugs are passing through,

And we’ll be there, to snatch you by the hair.

We’ll check up you’re ass,

And if we find a trace of grass,

Then your conviction will be fair.

 

VERSE 2 – US JUDGE LECTURES NORIEGA

O, Mr Noriega see what you’ve done,

You’re a dealer, pusher and slime;

You hustle for hours, but our court has the powers,

And it nose that you’ll do lots of time.

 

CHORUS 2 – US MARINES RETURN

 

Meet us in Panama,

When the Coke is passing through,

We’ll blow the place, to try and crack the case;

Manuel’s tried to make a pile by flogging passing flake,

Now Noriega’s in disgrace.

 

VERSE 3 – US JUDGE SENTENCES NORIEGA

You rock the court with your three hours of blort,

But we won’t let detail toot our goal,

You’re jury of peers has laid on forty years,

And for that long you won’t get parole.

Here is a vid with Lindisfarne singing the superb song, Meet Me On The Corner,  with their lyrics showing on the screen:

Song To Persecute You, A Private Joke Lyric For John Random, 9 July 1992

I have not often wondered precisely when it was that John Random took me to one side and explained the facts of NewsRevue song-writing life to me.

But my discovery of this little private joke lyric, dated 9 July 1992, is a piece of incontrovertible evidence. John must have taught me the facts of life a week or so before.

John explained to me that certain tunes were so over-used that NewsRevue aficionados would not consider their use under any circumstances. That was the reason, from his point of view, that, for example:

…had not been used and would not be used on his watch.

Indeed, John said, he considered such lyrics, set to excessively-used tunes, to be a form of torture.

Chattanooga Choo-Choo was another notable example that John specifically mentioned as excessively used and torturous.

I had no recollection of the following little lyric at all, so it was a surprise to me when I discovered it. I must have written this specifically as a joke for John and (presumably) handed it to him at the NewsRevue writers’ meeting that week, on 9 July:

SONG TO PERSECUTE YOU

(To the tune of “Chattanooga Choo-Choo”)

Pardon me John,

I wrote this song to persecute you;

Catch 22,

To edit the Newsrevue.

 

The public pay,

When they,

Can hear the tunes they know and like;

So Chattanooga Choo-Choo,

Shouldn’t always hit the spike.

 

Copyright 1992  “The Chattanooga Choo-Choo Liberation Front”.

Here is a great Glenn Miller vid of the song, although you don’t get any words for two or three minutes…but it is worth the wait:

…and here is a link to the original lyrics.

Trucker Strikes, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 July 1992

Another season, another round of French truckers on strike. This song did well when the strikes were topical that summer and I did subsequently try to revive it periodically whenever the French truckers went on strike again, like that next winter, in the Bowden submission of early January 1993.

I also used this song as an excuse for a Eurocrat/Eurosceptic spat-fest. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose, as any French trucker might put it.

Here is a link to Summer Loving from Grease with the lyrics as subtitles.

♬ TRUCKER STRIKES ♬

(To the tune of “Summer Nights”)

 

VERSE 1 – LES FRANCAISE ACCENTS

Summer trucking, static in France,

Summer traffic, doesn’t advance;

New road law, drivers don’t like,

Mitterand, get on you’re bike.

Show that toad, blockade the road,

Holding farmer and trucker strikes.

 

CHORUS 1 – ENCORE LES FRANCAISE ACCENTS

{Well-a, well-a, well-a, well-a, huh}

Change the law, change the law, or our lorries stay put;

Zoot alors, zoot alors, move your truck off my foot.

{Ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do-do-do-do}

 

VERSE 2 – ENGLISH TOURISTS

Summer outing, driving to Cannes,{ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha}

We’re not moving, blocked by a van;{ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha}

Took the car, cos last year’s flight,{ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha}

Was delayed by air traffic strikes.{do-wop-bop-bop, do-wop-bop-bop}

Switch to rail, you’ll also fail,

With all the French transport strikes.

 

CHORUS 2 – STILL ENGLISH TOURISTS

{Well-a, well-a, well-a, well-a, huh}

What a bore, what a bore, will we ever get back?

Call the law, call the law, some frog’s burning the track;

{Dow, be-do, be-do, be-do-be-do-be}

{Dow, be-do, be-do, be-do-be-do-be}

 

VERSE 3 – EUROCRAT AND EUROSCEPTIC ALTERNATELY

Single Market, borderless trade,{Dow, be-do, be-do, be-do-be-do-be}

Goods move freely apart from blockades;{Dow, be-do, be-do, be-do-be-do-be}

We’ve improved farm subsidies,{Dow, be-do, be-do, be-do-be-do-be}

Froggy farmers all disagree.{do-wop-bop-bop, do-wop-bop-bop}

Europe’s mission, more competition,

Between farmer and trucker strikes

 

CHORUS 3 – THE EUROSCEPTICS HAVE WON

{Wo-ah. wo-ah, wo-ah, huh}

Tell Delors, tell Delors, Ray McSharry’s a Mick,

Tell Delors, tell Delors, Leon Brittan’s a prick,

{Ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do-do-do-do}

{Ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, do-do, ah-ha, yeh}

 

Ask Delors, ask Delors, what is his policy?

Says Delors, says Delors, “subsidiarity”.

THE JOLLITY COMES TO A SUDDEN STOP

 

VERSE 4 – MUCH SLOWER

Troubled Europe, full of dissent,

Now John Major’s the president;

He’ll use England’s best policies,

God help the other countries.

Harmony, in the EC – oh-oh

Euro transport strikes.

Sack Delors, sack Delors-ors-ors.

The Lovers, NewsRevue Quickie Voiceover, 25 June 1992

Another unexpected discovery, this one. Credited in my notes to John Random and Gerry Goddin as well as myself. There’s not much of it, so it must have simply been a shared joke at that week’s writers’ meeting.

It was Wimbledon time and the news story that year was Monica Seles’s grunting – see this newspaper article by way of example. 

There was also a movie out at the time, set in 1920’s Indochina, The Lover – click here.

I don’t recall whether or not this quickie was used. Perhaps Messrs Random and/or Goddin do recall:

THE LOVERS
(This quickie is “voice over” throughout)

{The pianist plays a few bars of music that immediately make the listener think of the Orient. It is Indochina in the 1920’s. It is hot. It is steamy. Lust is in the air. These few bars make the listener think of all that. What a pianist.}

 

THE LOVERS:{Orgasmic grunting noises (possibly some male, some female – mainly female) build up rhythmically, eventually reaching a “fingernails digging into the mattress” level of intensity.}

UMPIRE:Deuce. (pronounced juice)

DAN MASKELL:Oh I say. Monica Seles has really come out on top.

UMPIRE:(sounding exhausted) New balls please.

Maxwell’s Wife, NewsRevue Lyric, 21 June 1992

A nasty lyric, but then Maxwell deserved it. I’m not sure whether or not this one was used. Probably not, or if so only briefly.

It has its moments as a lyric:

MAXWELL’S WIFE

(To the Tune of “Mack the Knife”)

 

VERSE 1

The old shark had pearly teeth dear,

And he acted rich and flash;

A fat check book had Bob Maxwell,

But that fat Czech had no cash.

 

VERSE 2

When the old shark took a dive dear,

Filthy lucre rumours spread;

Old age pensions had Bob Maxwell,

And he dumped them in the red.

 

VERSE 3

Now old Bob’s son name of Kevin,

Tried to save the family;

But the game played wasn’t cricket,

At the Maxwell MCC.

 

VERSE 4

Down in Chelsea, early morning, (bo, bo, bo)

Press and coppers spring to life;

“Piss off bastards, we’re still sleeping”,

Yes, that sounds like, Maxwell’s wife.

 

VERSE 5

Maxwell’s rich wife named Pandora,

Raised his bail, proved her rocks;

Kevin Maxwell took the money,

But did not o-pen the box.

 

VERSE 6

Rupert Murdoch, David Stevens,

Lord Rothermere, Conrad Black;

They’ve all boosted circulation,

Now the Maxwell story’s back.

 

(OPTIONAL INSTRUMENTAL, WILD DANCING, CORNY BUSINESS AND END)

Here is a vid of Louis Armstrong singing Mack the Knife:

…and here are the Mack The Knife lyrics.

Drought, Unfinished Fragment Intended For NewsRevue, 21 June 1992

Did I run out of ideas? Did it start raining?

We’ll never know.

Anyway, here is the fragment, which (perhaps mercifully) tails off at the Denis Howell bit…

…perhaps reminiscing about the 1976 Minister For Drought was a dead end.

 DROUGHT

 (To the Tune of “Shout”, For Soloist and {Chorus})

 

We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ll

-e-e-e-e-e-e-ll

 

FIRST BIT

You know there’s gonna be a drought, {drought}, Hear the pipes-a thumping, {drought}

There’s no water pumping, {drought}, Put your hose back, {drought},

Come on now{drought}

Go and pay your water bill,{drought}

Yeh pay for every pint,{drought}

yeh yeh yeh yeh yeh{drought}

Pay your bill{pay your bill}

On the meter these days{pay your bill}

Come on come on{pay your bill}

Take one bath in three days{pay your bill}

 

SECOND BIT

Come on now, {drought},

Don’t hose your garden, {save}, Don’t drink the water, {save},

Don’t wash your bottom, {save}, You shouldn’t oughta, {save},

Go thirsty{drought}

Go thirsty{drought}

Go thirsty{drought}

 

THIRD BIT

I still remember, {shoo-bee-doo-wop}, when we had a drought years ago, {shoo-bee-doo-wop},

We had a minister, {shoo-bee-doo-wop}, by the name of Dennis Howell, {shoo-bee-doo-wop},

Here is little Lulu and the Luvvers singing “Shout”:

…and here are the Shout lyrics.

We’re Not Here For The Game, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 21 June 1992

I don’t think this one was used, but it reads well – there are some good ideas and some good lines in it.

There must have been some sort of soccer thing happening in Sweden at the time, with English soccer fans disgracing themselves as is their wont…

WE’RE NOT HERE FOR THE GAME

(To the Tune of “Name of the Game”)

 

ONE ENGLISH YOBBO

 

I’ve drunk ten pints, in a short time,

Watching the football in Sweden;

Went round the town, had a good time,

Look, there’s a doorway I peed in.

 

TWO TOLERANT SWEDES

 

They are an impossible race,

Tho’ we give them cheap lagers;

They fight and they mess up the place,

Like the villains in sagas.

 

TWO ENGLISH YOBBOS

 

But you ought to know (sniff),

We’re not here for the game,

We just want beer and Aquavit,

We’re not here for the game,

Cos our soccer’s a load of shit.

 

ONE TOLERANT SWEDE

 

Tell me please, cos I’d like to know,

Why the louts throw up, over my Volvo?

 

TWO TOLERANT, DEPRESSED SWEDES {WITH YOBBOS ON BACKING VOCALS}

 

And it makes us sad {do do}, and it makes us weep {do, do},

We take Mogadon {do do}, or else we cannot sleep;

When it gets us down {do do}, we take Valium {do do},

And when Sweden lose {do do}, we shall try Potassium – {Cyanide} ,

For committing suicide……..

 

THE YOBBOS LAST SEETHING CHORUS {JOINED BY SUICIDAL SWEDES}

 

You ought to know (sniff), oh yes you ought to know (sniff),

We’re not here for the game {they are an impossible race},

We just want beer and Aquavit {they fight and they mess up the place and throw up a lot},

We’re not here for the game,

Cos the soccer’s a load of shit…..

 

(Perhaps the song ends in chaos with the cyanide taking effect on the Swedes and the yobbos beating each other up??  Or perhaps not?)

Here’s a vid of Abba singing “Name Of The Game:

…and here is a link to the lyrics of Name Of The Game.

You’ll Never Watch Again, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 May 1992

I don’t think this lyric was used. It relates to BSkyB as it was then (Sky now) introducing additional pricing for sports channels. Seems commonplace now, but at the time some folk thought the idea would never take off.

YOU’LL NEVER WATCH A GAME
 (To the tune of “You’ll Never Walk Alone”)
 
 
VERSE 1
 
When you watch TV sport,
Keep your cheque book by,
The side of your scram-bling device.
 
At the end of the match,
Send your dosh to Sky,
And be grateful we’ve not raised the price.
 
VERSE 2
 
Pay on, through the nose,
Pay on, till it hurts,
This is B-Sky-B’s refrain:
 
CHORUS 1 (The Chorus have charity type collection boxes which they use as maracas)
 
Pay up,
Pay up,
We hope,
You’re not poor,
Or you’ll never watch a game,
You’ll never watch a game.
 
CHORUS 2 (Perhaps Chorus get off the stage and pretend to menace money from the audience)
 
Fork out,
Fork out,
Or we’ll cut,
Off you’re sport,
Then you’ll never watch again,
You’ll never watch again.

Below is a video of You’ll Never Walk Alone, sung by Gerry & The Pacemakers, with the lyrics on the screen.

Coppers Are Dressed As Hippies, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 May 1992

This one went down really well with the NewsRevue audience and ran for a long time.

I remember being a little disappointed that John Random didn’t use it towards the end of his April to June 1992 run, which was in full flow when this one was written. But I now understand more about the frantic nature of producing NewsRevue; this number would have been a real challenge to add to the pot (as it were) and do well mid-run.

Anyway, Paula Tappenden and her cast picked it up straight away in late June/July and did a fabulous job with it. The number was revived by later casts too, I’m pretty sure.

I recall Harriet Quirk being especially complementary about this one; I think she liked it.

COPPERS ARE DRESSED AS HIPPIES

(To the tune of “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic”)

 

VERSE 1

If you go down to the Plain today,

You’re in for a big surprise;

If you go down to Stonehenge today,

You’ll see police in disguise.

 

CHORUS 1

For solstice time means unwanted guests,

The Fuzz are after heaps of arrests,

And that’s why lots of Coppers are dressed as Hippies.

 

VERSE 2

Every piggy-wig in the force,

Is sure of a chance to bust;

The Hippies always have herbal smokes,

Speed, Acid and Angel Dust.

 

CHORUS 2

So all the filth that ever there was,

Is gathered there for certain because,

Today’s the day the Force infiltrate the Hippies.

 

PENULTIMATE BIT

Hippy time for PC Plod,

He’s in the drug squad,

He’s wearing a syrup and false beard;

Kaftan worn and sandal shod,

And using words like “hey”, “wow”, “man”, and “weird”.

 

AND FINALLY

Thousands of folk mill about,

Just watch them dance and shout,

And sometimes set off a flare.

 

At six o’clock the chief calls it off,

And they’ve not made one arrest,

Because there aren’t any Hippies there.

 

(Perhaps two Copper-Hippies simultaneously put their hand on the other’s shoulder and say “You’re nicked”)

Here is Henry Hall and His Orchestra with “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” – I make no apology for the publisher’s placement of the apostrophe – but just dig the clipped tones of the singer:

Here is the lyric of “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic”…that’s better apostrophe-wise.

Castlemorton, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 31 May 1992

I wrote this one the same day as Coppers Are Dressed As Hippies. “Coppers” is a very good lyric, though I say so myself.

Let’s be honest, Castlemorton isn’t much cop. I must have written Castlemorton first and then thought, “oohh, I have a better idea…”

I’m not sure I even submitted it. One for the completists.

CASTLEMORTON (Be Sure to Put Gunpowder in Your Flare)

(To the tune of “San Francisco {Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair}”)

 

CHORUS 1

If your going to Castlemorton,

Be sure to put gunpowder in your flare;

Summertime in Castlemorton,

Your goanna meet some vicious bastards there.

 

CHORUS 2

If you’ll come to Castlemorton,

Be sure you bring some needles for to share;

Hear the beat of Castlemorton,

Amplifiers and Ghetto Blasters blare.

 

VERSE

All across the nation,

It’s a “New Age Sensation”,

Ooh, ooh, people in motion;

They’re an old generation,

Just a strange abberation,

Ooh, ooh, what a commotion,

What an explosion.

 

CHORUS 3

All those who come to Castlemorton,

Be sure to wear flared trousers and long hair,

In the fields of Castlemorton,

Savage dogs attacking sheep out there.

 

If you come to Castlemorton,

Local people will relocate elsewhere.

Here’s a nice little photo-vid of Scott McKenzie singing San Francisco:

…and here are the lyrics for the Scott McKenzie.