Ian Louis Harris

The Shit Of Araby, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

This lyric did nicely, if I recall correctly. Very performable.

I am delighted to report that Jonathan Aitken did not get away with his crimes, despite the outcome inferred by the lyric.

THE SHIT OF ARABY
(To the Tune of “The Sheikh of Araby”)
VERSE 1 – JONATHAN AITKEN

I’m the shit of Araby,
A right fat cat Tory;
Jon Aitken is my name,
Gun running is my game.

When I meet those Saudi gits,
They put me in the Ritz;
With cars and jewellery,
Cos they want my weaponry.

MIDDLE EIGHT – THE PRESS

He’s the shit of Araby,
And when he leaves the Treasury,
You should see him follow sheikhs around;
That’s bad.
Even though he’s ripped off half the Nation,
He’ll still sue for defamation,
Guardian and World in Action found.

AITKEN: I’m a cad;

When he’s laying down to sleep,
He’s counting guns instead of sheep;
From his pockets,
Arms and rockets sprout;
Who’s counting?
He knows vital statistics,
Like girls with huge ballistics
He’s a shit who knows arms dealing inside out.

OUTRO – AITKEN

I’ll sue the media liberally,
Cos I’m the Chief of Treasury;
And if I treat the judge nicely (winks),
I’m sure the court will side with me.

Here is a YouTube of Spike Jones and His City Slickers version, including the “patter” section parodied above:

Here is a link to the lyrics, including the patter verse.

I also found a wonderful video version of Spike Jones & His City Slickers performing this number, but without the patter – amazing vid though, Spike Jones himself seen on percussion.

I wrote an update 24 June 1997:

THE SHIT OF ARABY – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “The Sheikh of Araby”)

VERSE 1 – JONATHAN AITKEN

I’m the shit of Araby,
A right fat cat Tory;
Jon Aitken is my name,
Gun running is my game.

When I meet those Saudi gits,
They put me in the Ritz;
With cars and jewellery,
Cos they want my weaponry.

MIDDLE EIGHT – THE PRESS

He’s the shit of Araby,
And Aitken left the Treasury,
Just to follow gun-crazed sheikhs around;
That’s bad.
Even though he ripped off half the Nation,
He still sued for defamation,
Guardian and World in Action found.

AITKEN: I’m a cad;

When he’s laying down to sleep,
He’s counting guns instead of sheep;
From his pockets,
Arms and rockets sprout;
Who’s counting?
He knows vital statistics,
Like girls with huge ballistics
He’s a shit who knows arms dealing inside out.

OUTRO – AITKEN

I sued the media liberally,
I thought the judge would side with me;
But lost my seat on the Privy;
And I’ll go down for perjury.

Ebola, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

Almost certainly unused, in too bad taste even for NewsRevue.

Some good lines in it though.

Postscript: false memory. My submission letter of 26 November 1995 indicates that this one had been used 7+ times – i.e. in more than one run; perhaps several.

My cata-log indicates that it was originally written on 16 May 1995.

So not too bad taste for NewsRevue – not in the slightest. Whatever was I thinking when I wrote the above note?

EBOLA
(Really Sick Quickie to the Tune of “Maria”)

VERSE 1

Ebola,
They’ve just found a germ named Ebola;
It’s really rather vile,
It makes you throw up blood,
And bile.

VERSE 2

Zaire,
I’m glad I’m not there and I’m here;
The thought of it’s as sick,
As Michael Howard’s prick,
And piles.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Ebola,
Say it loud and Kinshasa’s in turmoil,
Say it soft, and its a brand of corn oil.

OUTRO

Mazola,
Won’t go through you as fast as,
Ebola.

Maria from West Side Story is a nice song in its own right:

Letter To Kerry Michael, NewsRevue Pre-Run Submissions, 26 November 1995

Now Kerry Michael MBE, nach. I wonder whether he still lists NewsRevue on his CV?

The table of submissions was neat and tidy but the only way I can cut and paste it from Amipro to here, it needs to look like a great long list…

…but you’ll get the gist.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
CHRISTMAS 1995 RUN

Dear Kerry

Great to have you back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

christmas song/mary’s boy child / harry bellafonte: New

lilley the prick/ lilly the pink / scaffold: 4-6

serbi serbi chief chief/ chirpy chirpy cheep cheep / middle of the road: 4-6

those were the raves/those were the days / mary hopkin: 4-6

Sunbed/sunny / bobby hebb: 4-6

old boys/ oh boy / buddy holly: 7+

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you / seekers: 7+

crap tarantino man/son of a preacher man / dusty springfield: 4-6

the shit of araby/the sheikh of araby / spike jones: 4-6

side 2

ebola/maria / west side story: 7+

sealed syphilis/sealed with a kiss/brian hyland: 4-6

jumping mick jagger/ jumping jack flash / rolling stones: 4-6

surf the internet/surfin’ usa / beach boys: 4-6

eton beat it / michael jackson: 4-6

greenpeace NO RECORDING – SORRY: New

the pill is safe/ chantilly lace / jerry lee lewis: 4-6

Lilley The Prick, NewsRevue Song, 26 November 1995

This one is a rewrite of a lyric from 1993:

Lilley the Prick, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 August 1993

Not the most subtle lyric, but quite effective in transmitting its message, I feel.

LILLEY THE PRICK
(To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)

CHORUS 1

We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.

VERSE 1

Michael Howard, was a terrible coward,
He would never take the blame;
So they gave him, political functions,
But he deflects guilt, just the same.
Johnny Aitken, was constantly takin’,
Large back-handers from some sheikh;
So they gave him, political functions,
Now he’s yet more on the make.

CHORUS 2

We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.

VERSE 2

David Hunt, was a bit of a c-c-c-c-con man,
Tories thought that he should go-o-o,
They withdrew his political functions,
Now he has no portfolio.
Mike Portillo, was abrasive as Brillo,
And his head looked like a pad;
So they gave him political functions,
Now he’s Peter Lilley’s lad.

CHORUS 3

We-ee-ee-‘re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
He’s buggered up the DSS;
He’s retracting our benefit payments,
Now Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.

Here is Lily the Pink by the Scaffold, with their lyrics on show.

Eton, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

Prince Charles and Princess Diana chose to send Prince William to Eton. I chose to write this lyric.

I don’t recall it being used, but it is a quicky and my memory ain’t what it was.

Postscript: my 26 November 1995 submission letter shows this one having been used for 4-6 weeks previously, so I must have slightly tweaked the lyric then but it had been used. My cata-log shows me completing this lyric originally 19 September 1995. So there.

ETON
(To the Tune of “Beat It”)

VERSE 1

WILLIE: They tell me that I am as thick as pig shit,
Don’t ever go to Eton cos you’ll never fit;
But every boy round here is an upper class twit,
At Eton, at Eton.

WILLIE: You see the truth is no-one cares if you’re daft,
As long as you don’t mind the cannings and the graft,
And learn to shake your pals very warmly by the shaft,
At Eton, I just want to be bad

CHORUS 1

WILLIE: At Eton,
CHARLES:: Eton,
DIANA: Eton,
CHARLES: Eton,
DIANA: Rugger and fags and beatin’;
CHARLES: They’ll whip your buttocks raw to the bone,
But Eton’s more genteel than Gordonstone,

OUTRO

(Willie is being caned by Charles and Diana during the outro)

DIANA: That’s Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh
CHARLES: Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh
DIANA: Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh
C & D: Eton Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh.

Just in case you cannot remember Beat It by MIchael Jackson…or simply want to hear the song and read the lyrics…here’s Michael:

The Pill Is Safe, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

I don’t recall this one being used, but I think it was good enough. One of those perennial scares about health.

THE PILL IS SAFE
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)

INTRO

Hello, you third generation pill, you.

VERSE 1

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row coming on;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
It always makes the autumn fun;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.

VERSE 2

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now the whole of London’s using caps and condoms;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.

VERSE 3

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`

Here is the Big Bopper’s version of Chantilly Lace:

I updated the lyric 22 April 1996:

THE PILL IS SAFE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)

INTRO

Hello, you third generation pill, you.

VERSE 1

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row we all see;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
Just like we did with BSE;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.

VERSE 2

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now there’s less precaution and there’s more abortion;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.

VERSE 3

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`

Son Of Man by Dennis Potter, The Pit, 25 November 1995

We described this as:

Very, very good…

…in my log and I do remember this play/production well.

I hadn’t especially been looking forward to it. I do like generally Potter’s work but I wasn’t sure about his take on this subject. Janie having the hots for Joseph Fiennes pretty much sealed the deal for us to book it.

It was a superb production. Joseph Fiennes is a very good actor, the supporting cast was excellent and Bill Bryden directed well. The Theatricalia entry for this one can be found here.

Michael Billington loved it:

Billington on Son Of Man Fri, Oct 20, 1995 – 33 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Michael Coveney was less sure, talking up Joseph Fiennes but not the play:

Coveney on Son Of God Sun, Oct 22, 1995 – 68 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

A Short Break In Turkey, Placeholder & Links, 8 to 18 November 1995

There’s not a great deal of written material on this short trip to Turkey, which Janie and I enjoyed very much.

I have now, however, written up the holiday as best I can as an eight-part piece, starting with the Istanbul leg of the trip – click here or below:

A Short Visit To Turkey Part One: Two Full Days In Istanbul, 8 to 11 November 1995

Janie’s diary (see above) confirms how we flew out from Heathrow to Istanbul on 8 November and had arranged to be met at the airport and taken to our first hotel, the Sokullu Paşa Hotel.

It also shows that we booked a flight to Izmir lunchtime 11 November, with the Avis desk awaiting us there.

Our flights back to Heathrow on 18 November were 10:00 Izmir to Istanbul, then 13:45 to Heathrow arriving London at 16:00 GMT.

We had not arranged any accommodation for the Izmir week; we were playing it by ear on a fly-drive holiday. Seems fair enough in November, frankly.

Part of our purpose was to see Ros Elliot (who lived/lives near Izmir) and her plans were a bit up in the air, so booking ourselves up ahead of time would have been a bit daft.

There’s a good album of well-labelled photos – which you can already view – click here or below:

023 The Great Library and stuff at Ephesus T_1995_G1_Photo32_30A

From those photo labels and memory, I’ll write up the whole trip, hopefully before the end of February 2021.

A Short Visit To Turkey Part Eight: Bodrum & Then Return To Izmir & Ros, 17 November 1995

Bodrum‘s a beautiful coastal town and of course we made sure we had time to stroll the town in the morning before heading back in the direction of Izmir to meet up with Ros Elliott at the end of our trip.

On our way out of Bodrum we encountered some scallywags who showed us their school.

I cannot remember exactly where we stayed that last night but I am pretty sure that Ros lived in Kuşadası at that time, so I suspect it was on “that side” of Izmir, making it a convenient place for us to meet Ros and get to Izmir airport reasonably early the next day.

Update: Ros remembers that Janie and I stayed at the Ege University Hospital Hotel, which was brand new at the time and was happy to take guests unconnected with the University or the hospital. According to Ros, the place remains open to all comers. It was very conveniently located for our purposes…

…except that, as Ros recalls, we found it surprisingly difficult to find a suitable restaurant in that Bornova district of Izmir.

Still, Janie and I do remember having a very pleasant meal with Ros and finding it very interesting to “swap notes” with her; us as tourist visitors while she had already been living in Turkey for a few years by then.

Ros said we had seen an awful lot in just a few days and she was right. Looking back on the pace at which we took that road trip, while I can believe we used to tour like that I wouldn’t dream of arranging such an itinerary in so few days any more!

Towards the end of the meal, “Mystic Ros” read our coffee grounds in the Turkish style…and I tried to reciprocate.

We’d had a great time.

All the pictures from that holiday (just one or two from this leg of the journey are not shown in this piece) can be viewed on Flickr – click here or below.

A Short Visit To Turkey Part Seven: Around The Aegean Coast, Fethiye, Marmaris & Bodrum, 16 November 1995

We had a lovely morning stroll around Fethiye, taking in the beauty and quaintness of the place. The above photo is but one example. As is the one below.

Then we drove on to the trendy town of Marmaris, where we wee able to enjoy some lunch out of doors and also were able to wander around, trying to look trendy ourselves.

Best head towards Bodrum if we want to get there before dark!

Then on to Bodrum, where we stayed for the night. After dinner…

… we took a stroll around and just about managed to get a night shot of the castle.

We vowed to return the next day to take a daytime picture of the castle. Did we succeed? Tune in for the next and last episode.

All the pictures from that holiday (just one or two from this leg of the journey are not shown in this piece) can be viewed on Flickr – click here or below.

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