Janie and I went threee times in a fortnight to see RNT Studio plays at the Cottesloe. This was the first of those three visits. It was a modern Liverpudlian play of the post-Thatcherism variety. We thought it was a very good play and really enjoyed (if that is the right word) this production.
Michael Church gave it a very good review in the Observer:
The diaries give very few clues about this short break to Cornwall. I think we both simply agreed to book out the first three days working days of that week and drive off to Cornwall.
We went in Red Noddy – at that time my company car – a souped-up automatic Honda Civic. In those days Janie had Blue Noddy – a slightly older, souped-down automatic Honda Civic.
The only clue as to our destination in either diary is the slightly misleading note in Janie’s:
“Rossiney” [sic] – meaning “Bossiney” House Hotel Tintagel
I think we stayed there two nights – dining at the hotel on one night and “commuting” to Rick Stein’s Padstow Restaurant the other night. That Rick Stein meal was an excellent one and I think in those days Rick Stein himself was still hanging around that place when we dined there.
From memory, I think we then drove on to St Ives and stayed somewhere around there for a couple of nights – exploring St Ives, Lands End itself and whatever else was worth seeing at that very south-western tip of Great Britain.
Janie had written down…
…”Gyllyndune Manor” (Falmouth)…
…but crossed it out. I don’t think there was room at the inn or perhaps she decided she didn’t like the sound of it. I vaguely recall just allowing enough time on arrival at St Ives to check places out and plug for something. Midweek in April this was not a tough ask.
The only thing I wrote down in my diary for the whole trip was…
…*Ben Murphy…
…and I do recall trying to call my west-country comedy customer Ben Murphy ahead of our journey home, with a view to possibly stopping off for a quick face-to-face on his home turf in Somerset. Ben made himself scarce for that idea…or possibly simply was, as he said later, otherwise engaged. Hard to pin down, was Ben.
I don’t think we took any photos on that break – at least I cannot find any and neither of us, at the moment, remembers taking any. Yet it seems strange that we didn’t. Possibly a mislaid batch of photos will emerge in the fullness of time – don’t hold your breath, though.
For now, feast your eyes on a couple of pictures that good folk put in the public domain.
I wrote this parody of Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear for NewsRevue around the time of the Newbury by-election in April 1993.
Very little was known about Tony Blair back then; indeed I couldn’t even spell his name. I cannot quite remember what made me spot him as an up and coming politician; perhaps it was just that he had a prominent role in that by-election campaign. Perhaps I simply latched on to the name Tony Blair fitting perfectly where “Dancing Bear” goes in the song.
The original song, Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear, is by Randy Newman, but was made famous by the Alan Price Set.
The latter version is the very first record I ever owned; I seem to recall nagging an auntie to get it for me. I also recall my father moving my teddy bear’s legs to make it dance for me when the song came on the radio. I was four-on-five when the record came out. Ahhh.
I don’t think Newman had teddy bears in mind when he wrote the song, but it is ironic (at least for me) that Newman went on to write the scores for the wonderful Toy Story movies. But I digress.
So was I the first political satirist to give Tony Blair the song treatment? Must have been up there with the first pack, if not the very first. I have left the spelling mistake on Blair[e]’s name in tact, for old time’s sake.
♬ BECKETT, SMITH, CLAIRE SHORT AND ZANY TONY BLAIRE ♬
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)
VERSE 1
JOHN SMITH:I may go out to Newbury,
To visit Doobrie,
Who’s standing there;
After a lot of thought,
I’ll take Beckett, Short,
And young Tony Blaire;
THE TEAM:The Liberals, deplore us,
The press all, ignore us;
ALL BUT BLAIRE:Oh who would think that Tony Blaire,
Would be so neglected everywhere,
It’s just amazing how square people can be.
(Tony Blaire tries to do a zany dance to prove how unsquare he is: it transpires that he is actually quite square himself. He may try to repeat the dance at the end of each verse.)
VERSE 2
THE TEAM:We go to ghastly places,
Like Newbury races,
And Newbury fair;
Our low poll is a myth,
We’ve got Beckett, Smith,
Short and Tony Blaire;
Voters are choosing,
The Tories are losing;
BECKETT/BLAIRE:Oh who would think that John and Claire,
Would appeal to dames with blue rinsed hair,
But Newbury voters out there seem very pleased.
PIANO BIT
(During which John Smith makes a short speech to the “voters” in the audience)
JOHN SMITH:Don’t be fooled by talk of this tactical voting nonsense. The best way to get the Tories out of Newbury is by voting Labour, the natural party of opposition. Thank you.
OUTRO
THE TEAM:Who needs alliance,
To gain triumphs?
The Tories get the minor share,
But we split the vote so the trophy’s theirs,
We’re Beckett, Smith, Claire Short and zany Tony Blaire.
I liked this play and production far more than Janie did. Where I liked the intellectual aspects of the content, Janie found them pretentious and at times confusing.
I have a heap of jotting pads I’ll want to trawl at some point, as part of my archive wallow, but here is a very rare example of me digitising some NewsRevue-oriented jottings in 1993.
It was the start of the cricket season, for the genuine (i.e. county) cricket lover, but much too early in the year for cricket to be in the news. So what was I doing jotting this stuff for NewsRevue?
Keith might remember exactly what that cricket bat business was…or deny all knowledge/involvement.
Anyway, point is…
…that must have turned my mind to cricket and the potential for cricket-oriented NewsRevue lyrics.
The show had been blessed by a cracker the previous season – I’m pretty sure that it was by Jonny Hurst – You’ve Got To Pick A Cricket Ball Seam to the tune of Pick A Pocket Or Two from Oliver!
Indeed seam picking and inappropriate behaviour with barmaids was all I could think of in getting some ideas onto an e-jotter that April.
My guess is that I typed these ideas up in order to print the page out and chat ideas through with the team of writers at a writers meeting.
Sadly (or perhaps mercifully) nothing came of it – I don’t think I ever wrote a cricket-related piece for NewsRevue in the end – strange really.
(Some Bally Crickers Quickies That Have No Further To Go And May Just Be Enough)
CRICKET MEDLEY (A prize of 10p is offered to the first reader who can name the album from which all three songs in the medley originate)
NO WASIM (To the tune of “No Woman No Cry”)
No Wasim, no crime, no Wasim no crime,
And/or:No Waquar, no crime, no Waquar, no crime.
I SMOKED THE SILK CUT (To the tune of “I Shot The Sheriff”)
I smoked the Silk Cut,
But I didn’t smoke the dope or weed.
And/or:I chased the barmaid,
But I didn’t chase the drag on weed.
And/or:I pulled the barmaid,
But I didn’t pull or pick the seam.
GET UP STAND UP (To the tune of “Get Up Stand Up”)
Get up stand up, England cricket team,
Get up stand up, don’t just blame the seam.
The answer to the music “quiz” is of course Live! by Bob Marley and the Wailers – I must have been listening to side two that day. If you like this kind of music – here are some vids for you to enjoy. Not the versions from the album, but vids of live performances all.
I’m not sure whether this one ever saw the light of day in the show – Michael Eriera did used to use a lot of mine, even if they weren’t overtly funny.
But on re-reading this lyric 25 years later I am quite taken by some of the rhymes and in particular by the strength of sentiment I wanted to get across and, I think, managed to get across within a very sparse word pattern.
YUGO YUGO
(To the Tune of “Iko Iko”)
VERSE 1
My Grand Duke told your Grand Duke, the Balkan scene is dire;
My Grand Duke said to your Grand Duke, we’ll let them wallow in the mire.
CHORUS 1
Talking ’bout Yugo {Yugo} Yugo {Yugo}
Yugoslav-ee-i-ay; {Oh, oh}
Cannot interfere with Balkan ways, never mind the folks they slay.
VERSE 2
Look at those troops with blue berets, Boutros Boutros Ghali;
I bet you five dollars they do nothing today, UN troops will keep away.
CHORUS 2
Talking ’bout Boutros {Boutros} Boutros {Boutros}
Boutros Boutros Ghali; {Oh, oh}
Fails to save the Bosnian Muslims, fails to save the Somalis.
VERSE 3
My envoy told your envoy, Radovan’s a liar;
My envoy told your envoy, he’s goanna set Tuzla on fire.
CHORUS 3
Talking ’bout Cyrus {Cyrus} Cyrus {Cyrus}
Cyrus Vance and Owen; {Oh, oh}
When will the UN do anything, when will the UN go in?
VERSE 4
Look at those Serbs all dressed in green, Boutros Boutros Ghali;
They’re not just men they are killing machines, goanna rape and loot and slay.
CHORUS 4
I suggest you go {you go} you go {you go}
You go to Gorazde, {Oh, oh}
I shall keep a safe distance away, I shall stay at home and pray,
Yes, lets just stay at home and pray, lets just stay at home and pray;
{Boutros!!}
Below is a little vid with The Dixie Cups singing Iko Iko and the lyrics on the screen:
An interesting letter to Michael Eriera, with whom I got on well and who liked my material. Useful as proof that some songs, about which I was unsure whether or not they ever featured in the show, were in fact used.
16 April 1993
Dear Michael
Congratulations on a fine opening night. I enjoyed the show and get the feeling that the other writers have been re-inspired. Please pass on my compliments to the team. Now that I have sobered up, I thought that some comments (hopefully they are constructive ones) may be helpful.
SLOWER NUMBERS (NORMAN LAMONT, WILL YOU EMPLOY ME)
I think these work surprisingly well the way you do them (I worry about the slow ones). I was pleased to see the original Norman, rather than the less subtle rewrite that was in the show previously. I decided I didn’t like Employ Me after I wrote it but you’ve made me change my mind.
JOHN MAJOR NUMBERS (DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY, JOLTED JOHN)
I didn’t think there was anything else to say with Don’t Fuck Up, but Keith’s business with the cricket bat and that awful hat have brought it back to life. Jolted John lacked something for me. Perhaps Keith should be prepared to sound a bit less like John Major and more like a nerd in the original tune. Try the spoken bits in between like theatrical asides. That could also make it less static for the first few verses.
BETTER FACE
Needs something else. I love the idea of Sonia doing it but it lacked the laughs. It needs some OTT theatricality to it as it is not really a subtle song (rather, it has one subtle point and smells subtle). I had the dubious privilege of seeing the video for the first time this morning and it gave me a few visual ideas. Consider making one of the chorus a soldier rather than a child – you could spoof the “bass” in the last chorus. Consider candle waving at the end (as long as you don’t burn down the pub). If all else fails then by all means drop it – it’s had a good run before. Please also remember to attribute the money to Save The Children Fund as I assigned the rights to them when I wrote it.
MAASTRICHT
Total success. Proves the point that sailing close to the wind by doing some really difficult songs pays dividends. Well done.
DESIGNER
Needs something. I don’t think people could hear all the words. It is really “a belter” – it cannot be too loud or too melodramatic. I visualise him virtually in tears by the end – he is a ruined man and he’s telling us about it. Consider knicker throwing – the Tom Jones/knickers mind set is so strong. I also thought that it was too soon after the cigarette pun sketch for more puns. If all else fails – try Grunge Clobber Wearer instead which is more topical (and is my pet song of the month).
Hope my comments are helpful. I hope it doesn’t seem too critical as basically I believe that you are on track for a really good run. Well done once again to you all – look forward to seeing you soon.
My diary says that I played bridge with my gang at Tessa’s place on the Thursday evening. That would have been Tessa, Andrea and Maz.
Janie’s diary says that Phillie & family were arriving that day and that they were having dinner “at mum’s” that Thursday evening from 6.00 and that I would be coming over 12.30.
I think I had a key by then. Or this might have been the occasion that resulted in me having a key.
Anyway, Janie’s diary says that we all went for a meal at North China on the Friday evening. This is the gathering of Pauline, Phillie, Tony, Charlie, Janie and me, all around a Chinese restaurant table, that i recall so well from our early time together. I think we only ever did that as a group of six the once.
The diaries are very light on what we did. Possibly we didn’t do much.
To some extent Phillie, Tony & Charlie were probably using Sandall Close as a base to do other stuff.
Where the heck did everyone sleep at Sandall Close?
Anyway, we were all still talking to each other come the Tuesday, as the diary says we six (including Pauline) had a dinner party at Sandall Close on the Tuesday evening.
Janie and I both worked that day too.
I think the family stayed on with Janie until the Wednesday afternoon.
Janie and I felt motivated to see a professional production of The Real Thing a few years later at the Donmar Warehouse.I recall the play working much better, especially for Janie, second time around.
Still, I don’t think the evening went too badly. I’m pretty sure I treated the pair of them to dinner after show, but I do not recall where and both our diaries are silent on the matter.
It almost certainly would have been either Wine & Mousaka, Lisa’s or Noughts & Crosses in those days. I don’t know why, but I think it was Wine & Mousaka that first time.
Observer May 1993 Cottesloe Sun, May 9, 1993 – 55 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Billington Springboards May 1993 Tue, May 4, 1993 – 23 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
