I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of new songs, songs currently in the show and one or two rewrites of older ones etc. If you want me to work on an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Feel free to call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
The letter below refers to the original version of my log or song catalogue. I had forgotten that I originally produced it, with a harrumph, for Daryl Boot, at his request.
Now, I realise, I am grateful to Daryl for kicking off that process of logging the materials, as it has helped me no end with Ogblogging the body of work that is my lyrics and stuff.
Young Brian Lara’s a batsman, Who’s wanting to score record runs; Fours, Sixes, And no-one stops him scoring tons. The bowlers are so frustrated, They cannot get Brian Lara out; They’re knocked away, round the park all day, And this is what those bowlers shout.
CHORUS 1
{boom boom boom bomm} Bowl Lara a yorker, {boom boom boom bomm} Bowl Lara a goog-l-ie, {boom boom boom bomm} Pick stitches off the seam, It’s our only chance to bowl out his team.
VERSE 2
But back in his native West Indies, They wanted young Brian in Trinidad; His girlfriend moaned, “he’ll not come home”, Although that Sobers spinner had.
CHORUS 2
{boom boom boom bomm} Is Lara a lover? {boom boom boom bomm} Will Lara just leave her? {boom boom boom bomm} Despite his record cache, He still can’t score off his maiden match. ({boom boom boom bomm} Tell Lara to lob her, tell Lara to feel her….)
Below is a video of Ricky Valance singing Tell Laura I Love Her, with lyrics on the screen.
Dennis Potter died a few days earlier. This lyric did well in the show for quite a while, I seem to recall. I rather like it still.
Dennis Potter mostly wrote nostalgia-fest dramas, often set in the 1930s. One such series, Pennies From Heaven, had an infamous “nipple painting” scene.
_ PAINTING THE ANGEL’S NIPPLES _
(To the Tune of “Painting The Clouds With Sunshine”)
VERSE 1
Now Dennis Potter’s late, Inside those pearly gates, He’s up there painting the angel’s nipples; Up in the firmament, His main artistic bent, Is daubing heavenly tits with stipples.
MIDDLE EIGHT
He’ll paint a few, Mauve red and blue, Flashback to doggy style screw; Show some black eyes, To symbolise, Violent male’s hue.
VERSE 2
Now Dennis Potter’s dead, Lets all read books instead, Cos TV drama won’t cause a ripple. (Tiddly pom)
In April 1996, for some reason, perhaps the broadcast of his posthumous pieces, I updated the above lyric:
PAINTING THE ANGELS’ NIPPLES – 1996 REMIX (To the Tune of “Painting The Clouds With Sunshine”)
VERSE 1 Now Dennis Potter’s late, Inside those pearly gates, He’s up there painting the angels’ nipples; Up in the firmament, His main artistic bent, Is daubing heavenly tits with stipples. MIDDLE EIGHT He’ll paint a few, Mauve red and blue, Flashback to doggy style screw; Then draw some puss, While Lazarus, Makes a girl spew. VERSE 2 Now Dennis is no more, He’s shown on Channel 4, Where Potter’s drivel won’t cause a ripple. (Tiddly pom)
Below is Jack Hylton performing Painting The Clouds With Sunshine:
Not a great lyric this. I’m guessing it had something to do with soccer football in the USA.
_ THE SPAR WRANGLED FAN CLUB _
(To the Tune of “The Star Spangled Banner”)
VERSE 1 Oh hey can you see, By the world cup floodlights, The Mexican waves, And Miami cops beating? Soon the Irish will be, In our bars causing fights, We’ll have Danes at our raves, And Dutch rip out our seating.
MIDDLE EIGHT
We can’t bear soccer crowds, They’re so violent and kitsch, We don’t play the game, We just want to get rich.
VERSE 2
We say that your spar wrangled fan club is a bitch, Cos our Gridiron football game, Keeps the violence on the pitch.
Below is a video of The Star Spangled Banner with lyrics on the screen:
I enclose my latest batch of songs. I hope you like them. Please also bear in mind the Wimbledon and Bethel ones.
Of course, I wouldn’t put pressure on you but you do remember that I have a huge group of friends coming in on Sunday who are all expecting heaps of my songs and word perfect performances of everything. But stay calm! That’s the main thing.
By the way, the Film 94 sketch contained several of my lines and some by other people (e.g. Debbie Barham) but was credited solely to Jonathan. Was this a mistake on the running order? There was some rustling in the ranks on Thursday I can tell you!
Your problem, my dear fellow, is that your name is reminiscent of Henry Root. This probably explains why you get absurd letters from me. However, unlike Mr Root I have not yet made my pile.
I really enjoyed the show last week, by the way, please keep it up. Look forward to seeing you Thursday or Sunday or both.
I know, I know, sketches weren’t really my thing – the lyrics are better. Still, there are one or two half-decent groan gags in this quickie sketch:
FILM '94 - NAKED GROAN 33 1/3rd
BARRY NORMAN:Good evening. And indeed, why not? Tonight on Film ’94, we cover films that reflect current affairs in 1994. For example, we have the family politico-drama about hypocritical Minister for the Disabled, Nicholas Scott, and his charity worker daughter. It’s called, “My Father, the Heave Ho”. Still on the subject of politics, an hilarious comedy on the whacky exploits of Tim Yeo, Stephen Milligan, Alan Clarke and Hartley Booth, counterpointed by the tragic demise of John Smith: “Four Beddings and a Funeral”…. …or if you prefer, and why shouldn’t you?, the action drama movie of the year, set in the dangerous world of Formula 1 motor racing: “Four Funerals and a Welding”. One movie with an outside chance of success is about the advent of the National Lottery in Britain: “The Tory Luck Club”. In truth, you’re unlikely to get a winning lottery ticket. Indeed you’re more likely to get a case of Necrotising Fasciitis, the so called killer bug. Summer releases include a whole spate of international films covering this appetizing subject, including “Remains of the Thy”, “The Scent of Green Pap”, “Germy Nob”, “Farewell My Conk” and “So That’s What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. Goodnight.
Yes, there was life before the National Lottery, which was launched in the autumn of 1994. That spring, the contract to run the lottery was awarded to a consortium named Camelot. From the point of view of a comedy lyricist like me, the rest was history.
_ WIN A LOT _
(To the Tune of “Camelot”)
VERSE 1
Large lotteries were banned a while ago here, To stop us betting everything we’ve got; But now there’s mega-profits that could flow here, From Camelot.
VERSE 2
Accounting firms who framed the deal made packets, Consultancies have earned an awful lot; Solicitors have got in on the racket, They planned a lot.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1
BRANSON:Damn the lot, Camelot, Now Branson’s turned a shade of green; Camelot, Ham a lot, The spectacle’s obscene.
VERSE 3
The razzmatazz is certain to delight us, Huge prizes paid by Wogan on the spot; More likely Necrotising Faciitis, Than win a lot.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
Win a lot, win a lot? This country’s going to the dogs; Gamble lots, Camelot, Like Irish, Greeks and Frogs.
OUTRO
They say they’ll donate loads to worthy causes, And half the take in prizes reappears; But they won’t have forgot, the most auspicious lot, By far the biggest winner of the year is Camelot.
Below is a video of the lyrics to Camelot, sung by Richard Burton:
If you prefer, you can hear and see Richard Harris (no relation, despite his familiar tendency to speak notes rather than sing them once they go out of range) perform the song Camelot in the movie:
I really enjoyed the opening night and felt that you had all done an amazing job under difficult circumstances. This run should be a corker!
I have not felt very song inspired this weekend, I’m afraid, so you get one new song (Win A Lot), one sketch (which might well suit amalgamating with other similar material if you’ve had some) and an update of my song about the homeless that was in the show for a few weeks in Autumn 1992. I feel that it reflects current events better than it did in 1992!
I am glad you said you’re working on “Song With No Tune” and “Wimbledon”, especially the former. My test audience all really liked it. Several people were unaware that the Woodstock revival festival is to be called “Bethel”. Consider substituting “Woodstock” for “Bethel” (they scan the same), but I think that the festival promoters will have their way and Bethel will have wide name recognition in a week or two.
Look forward to seeing you soon, hopefully Thursday.
