Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Sunbed, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 March 1994

It really isn’t easy to turn cancer into comedy. This might be the only time I did it with any success.

I have a very clear memory of writing this one; it popped into my head while I was “squatting” in Gordon McVie’s office while doing some work for Cancer Research Campaign (which became part of Cancer Research UK), back in the Binders days.

I assigned the rights to the lyric to the charity, which will have made it a few bob.

The version below is dated November 1995 on the computer, but the original was written in March 1994; I think I might have revived it unchanged because of a fresh sunbed cancer scare story.

SUNBED
(To the Tune of “Sunny”)

VERSE 1

Sunbed, yesterday my skin was pale and white,
Sunbed, until I used your ultraviolet light;
Now my sunbed is made, I look like a joke,
Indoors with my shades and rum and coke;
Sunbed tan of gold, I’ve been sold.

VERSE 2

Sunbed, thank you for your ultraviolet rays,
Sunbed, you took away the acne from my face;
You gave to me a golden tan,
But may decrease my life span;
Sunbed I feel swell, I look well.

VERSE 3

Sunbed, now my skin looks like taramasalata,
Sunbed, I hope these blotches aren’t melanomata,
You made me dream of Barcelona,
Now I’ve gleaned carcinoma,
Sunbed I’m not telling, I’ve seen swelling.

VERSE 4

Sunbed, yesterday I lost my sense of humour,
Sunbed, when they diagnosed malignant tumour;
I spent all my cash, to try to look sunned,
I wish I’d endowed a cancer fund;
Sunbed you’re a curse,
I look worse,
Than my Macmillan nurse.
(Rather sinister looking Macmillan nurse – man in drag? – helps the victim off the stage)

Here’s Bobby Hebb singing Sunny with lyrics:

Letter To Steve Parsons Re NewsRevue, 27 March 1994

Steve Parsons 27 March 1994
News Revue
 
 
Dear Steve
 
NEW MATERIAL / NOTE FROM PARENTS

 
I enclose my latest pieces.
 
I apologise for the recent dearth of my material or indeed my very appearance. I can only attribute the problem to vast excesses of work. Unfortunately, I have been too busy even to get an absence note from my parents. Fear not. I expect to be with you this week with some friends in tow. I also hope the bank holiday weekend will give me a chance to produce yet more fresh material.
 
I also have some news for the “where are they now?” department. I spied Richard Katz (ex Laura’s run, October 1992) at the National Theatre in Caryl Churchill’s new play “The Skriker”. I must admit, I didn’t recognise him until about half way through the play during a song and dance routine with Richard wearing plastic flowers on his back. (Naturally, this behaviour made the News Revue memories come flooding back).
 
Be that as it may, I look forward to seeing you all on Thursday.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

Comedy, NewsRevue Lyric (Incomplete), 20 March 1994

Clearly it was becoming a Sunday habit for me to write these lyrics for NewsRevue – all of the March 1994 ones were written on a Sunday – apart from one which I finished off on the Monday.

This one I didn’t finish off, nor, as a result, did I even catalogue it. I discover it now in the electronic folder with the others, looking sad and forgotten…

…which is exactly what it was.

_ COMEDY _

(To the Tune of "Tragedy")

VERSE 1

Here I lie in a lost and lonely Parliament,
Screw a spy and appeal up to the firmament;
Getting off with Bienvenida,
Army toff those boss men need her,
Holding them, moulding them, scolding them, balding men.

CHORUS 1

Comedy, when you need a fuck with a tart named Buck,
A travesty, kissing in the dark with your research clerk,
It’s tough out there, so men who are faithful are going nowhere.
You’re history, with a Kings Cross slag or a plastic bag;
It’s parody, when your MPs lie and you know well why,
It’s hard to say, why men who hold power behave in this way.

VERSE 2

Ev’ry day another top dog bites the dust,
Spokesmen say “a private tragedy”, you must…
Not believe this explanation,
They deceive, the entire nation;
Absurdity with birds you see ain’t tragedy or savagery.

CHORUS 2

Comedy, when the knickers drop pants are down and the

Here are the Bee Gees singing Tragedy with the lyrics on the screen:

Shooting Four Mortars At Heathrow, NewsRevue Lyric, 13 March 1994

Yes, I think I can see what I was trying to doi here. Neat idea, reads quite well, but was not destined for a long run in the show, if indeed it got a go at all.

_ SHOOTING FOUR MORTARS AT HEATHROW _

(To the Tune of "24 Hours From Tulsa")

(Irish accents are virtually compulsory for this song)

VERSE 1

Gerry Adams,
Called us to say that the IRA might not fight no more,
But in the voice of an actor,
He also said that we should get rid of our old mortars.
So we were only taking four mortars to Heathrow,
Only transporting our aged arms,
Our Micra looked odd en route,
With missiles aimed out the boot….

VERSE 2

Stuck in an M4 tailback,
When we all saw the Excelsior with a huge car park,
Right by a Heathrow runway,
We stopped the car and aimed our mortars to fire after dark;
Cos we were only, shooting four mortars at Heathrow,
Only 24 yards from a plane;
Some bastard sold us a pup,
The fire bombs failed to erupt,
But our car blew up.

(You could try an instrumental with a little Irish jig type dancing at this juncture, or you might decide to give that a miss)

VERSE 3

But still we’d left some mortars,
Home we returned but as our car burned we went home by tube;
Set off some more bombs remotely,
Somewhere obscure like Terminal Four when the Queen was due.
And we were only firing more mortars at Heathrow,
Only discharging all of our arms;
Our mortars were a damp squib,
Security was so glib,
Gave us the rib,
So we shall never never never go there again…..
……ho, ho, ho, maybe?

Below is a video of Gene Pitney singing 24 Hours From Tulsa:

Here is a link to the lyrics of 24 Hours From Tulsa.

Little Willie Waldegrave, NewsRevue Lyric, 13 March 1994

William Waldegrave was a cabinet minister in John Major’s government.

It transpired that he was also a neighbour of mine in Notting Hill Gate and a regular at our favourite Chinese restaurant around the corner, The Park Inn, where he and his family became nodding acquaintances of ours.

But I didn’t discover the latter until after I had written this lyric (and others) about him. As far as I know, Waldegrave never discovered that I, his fellow diner, was also that lyricist.

                                         _ LITTLE WILLIE WALDEGRAVE _

                                      (To the Tune of “Little Willy”)
 
(Abba wigs might come in handy for this song)
 
VERSE 1
 
Big lies, small lies, Little Willie Waldegrave’s so fair he’s a chevalier,
Touchy, Duchy, Willie looks so silly with his bouffant funny looking hair;
Way past one and Willie’s such a sight,
Cos when Waldegrave debates he may talk all night,
Hey there, stay there, grey hairs, flair.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Cos Little Willie Willie’s hair, won’t comb,
And you can’t make Willie wear hair styling foam;
Tried telling him that he looks like a coxcomb,
Little Willie Willie’s hair, won’t comb.
 
VERSE 2
 
Left wing, right wing Little Wally Willie says its couth to express an untruth,
Hanky-panky Willie drives em silly on Profumo and Hartley Booth,
Tories sell arms to Iraq and Iran,
But Willie pins the lies on James Callaghan,
Forsooth, war sleuth, half-truth, proof.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Cos Little Willie Willie won’t tell lies,
Though he says all other MPs tell pork pies;
Now Willie Waldegrave’s the one they despise,
Cos Little Willie says MPs tell lies.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Little Willie says he won’t resign,
Though the Scott Inquiry says Willie did sign;
He oughtta style hair like Michael Hestletine,
Michael is ascendant while Willie’s in decline.

Here’s a video that plays Little Willy by The Sweet with the lyrics on screen:

https://youtu.be/70UBvQvPGEU

While here is The Sweet on TOTP performing their song. Brian Connolly’s tank top and yellow outfit has to be seen to be believed – remember that this stuff was described as “Glam Rock” at the time, 1972:

Letter To Steve Parsons Re NewsRevue, 6 March 1994

Steve Parsons 6 March 1994
News Revue
 
Dear Steve
 
SONGS
 
I enclose this weeks offerings and hope you like them. I have given you two versions of The Boy From New York City, as my song borrows structure from both.
 
The tape also includes a couple of tracks that Nick R Thomas asked me to tape for you; apparently you have his lyrics but couldn’t trace the tunes.
 
As I said on Thursday, your team are all bursting with talent. I’m sure that the run will be excellent once they all relax and enjoy themselves on stage (they were probably already doing just that by Friday last!)
 
Looking forward to seeing you all later in the week.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
Encs
 

They Are The Tories, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1994

Yet another lyric which my log claims I penned on 6 March 1994. I’m not sure if this one was used or not; I don’t think it was…or if it was I don’t think it worked in the show.

Some good lines though, matching the lines from I Am The Walrus quite neatly.

_ THEY ARE THE TORIES _

(To the Tune of "I Am The Walrus")

VERSE 1

It’s absurd that such a turd as Douglas Hurd can run our foreign office;
See how they run those bits of a gun see how the arms, are firing.
Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for Lord Justice Scott,
Parliamentary penguins tried to cover proof up,
My they’ve all been naughty boys they are a wicked lot.

CHORUS 1

They are the egg heads {ooooh} they sold the war heads {ooooh},
They are the Tories, goob goob ga joob.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Sitting in a Baghdad garden waiting for the gun,
If the gun don’t come,
They’ll buy their Scuds from Georgia or from Ukraine.

CHORUS 2

They are the despots {ooooh}, they have the death squads {ooooh},
They are the warlords, goob goob go joob.

VERSE 2

Matrix Churchill bosses were still going down Old Bailey thanks to you,
Ministers all signed except for Heseltine says Justice Scott’s, inquiry;
(Inquiry, inquiry, inquiry.)
Yellow man don’t trust Hurd,
Although he can speak Mandarin;
Mahatir Mohamad’s angry in Malaysia,
Cos the English press say’s he made on the Pergau Dam.

CHORUS 3

They were the aid men {ooooh}, now there’s no trade men {ooooh},
They are the Tories, goob goob ga joob goob goob goob ga joob ga goob.
Oompa oompa stuff Kuala Lumpur, Kuala Lumpur stick it up your jumper, oompa oompa damn Kuala Lumpur…….(exit gracefully).

Here is a video of The Beatles singing I Am The Walrus:

Reject, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused/Incomplete), 6 March 1994

I must have written this one at the same time as The Graft In Little Rock City…

The Graft In Little Rock City, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1994

…but it is incomplete and I didn’t even catalogue it, so my guess is that I felt it was less than satisfactory and was waiting for inspiration and/or the news to revive it…

…then I forgot all about it for 25 years.

Anyway, here it is. The idea of Hillary Clinton belting a lyric to the tune of Respect still pleases me…but probably not quite this lyric.

_ REJECT _

(To the Tune of "Respect")

VERSE 1

Hilary Clinton that’s me,
Bill should be a lot more PC;
All I’m asking is for a little less sex with bimbos
{just a little bit, just a little bit}
‘Specially when I’m home,
{just a little bit, just a little bit}

VERSE 2

Bill ain’t very strong, when it comes to women,
wrong woman
All I’m askin
Hit it, Billy C
(Sax Solo)

VERSE 3
give you money
return honey
give me proper home
re re

MIDDLE EIGHT
A REJECT
That’s what Bill considers me
DISSECT
I should cut off his willy.

OUTRO
Sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him,
Sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him,
just a little

Here is Aretha Franklin singing Respect with the lyrics on the screen:

While I’m at it, here is Otis Redding, who wrote the song, performing it live. Personally I love both the Otis and the Aretha versions of this song:

The Graft In Little Rock City, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1994

Uploading this part of my lyric archive some 25 years after the event, April 2019, makes me realise that accusations of Presidential corruption in the USA are more commonplace than we tend to remember. Trump might be more awful and cartoon-villain-like than his predecessors, but many have had scandals hanging over their heads for much of their presidency.

I don’t recall this lyric being used much, if at all. Some good lines though. I had to look up Bernard Nussbaum – White House Counsel under Clinton…

…and I still couldn’t spell “Hillary” in 1994.

_ THE GRAFT IN LITTLE ROCK CITY _

(To the Tune of "The Boy From New York City")

INTRO – THE PRESS

De dum de, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-de-dum,
De-dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-de-dum;
Oh-wah, oh-wah, cool cool Hilly, tell us how you worked with Governor Billy,
Oh-wah, oh-wah, Hilary Clinton, tell us all the things that you know went on.

VERSE 1 – HILARY CLINTON

We lived before, in Arkansas {yeh, yeh},
Which is the poorest US state you ever saw {yeh, yeh};
Bill’s a dope, who comes from Hope,
But with me pulling all his strings maybe he can cope {uh, uh}.
Oh-eee, you’ve gotta all believe, he don’t inhale {oh no} and don’t tell tales {oh no}.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – HILARY CLINTON

Bill thought that Whitewater was bonny, but still refused to sign;
He sold his colleagues up the Swanee, like Michael Hesteltine.

VERSE 2 – HILARY CLINTON

Oh-wah, oh-wah, we’ve no pity, tell us about the graft in Little Rock City;
Oh-wah, oh-wah, come on Hilary, the papers say that you both were ancillary.
I had a shock, in Little Rock {yeh, yeh},
When all those stories broke on where Bill stuck his cock {yeh, yeh};
If its true, he’s in deep doo-doo,
A la recherche de Paula Jones and Sally Perdue {who they?}.
Oh-eee, a press conspiracy, on how Bill grafts {yeh, yeh} and how he shafts {yeh yeh}.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – HILARY CLINTON

Now we’re in trouble for Whitewater, but if Bill’s got some sense;
He’ll take a tip from Shirley Porter, and shred all evidence; that’s smart.

OUTRO – PRESS AND HILARY OVERLAPPING LINES

{HILARY:Well alright, so he’s thick,
PRESS:Oh-wah, oh-wah, don’t be shitty, blow the gaff on graft in Little Rock City;}
{HILARY:But he’ll blame it all on Bernard Nussbaum so the flack don’t stick….
PRESS:Oh-wah, oh-wah, come on Hilary, the papers say the Clintons were ancillary}
(Repeat, dancing off)

Below or here is The Boy From New York City sung by The Ad Libs:

Here is a link to the lyrics of The Boy From New York City.

Sixteen Bugger Your Eighteen, NewsRevue Lyric, 21 February 1994

By the time I wrote this piece, I had probably overdone the subject of Tory “back to basics” hypocrisy over moral issues, especially homosexuality, for NewsRevue.

A pity, really, as I think this lyric might, purely in lyrical terms, be the best of the lot.

_ SIXTEEN BUGGER YOUR EIGHTEEN _

(To the Tune of “Sixteen Going On Seventeen”)
 
INTRO
 
MP:You wait, little chap, till you’re twenty one; until then you masturbate on,
Your life, little chap, is an empty one, for MP’s to legislate on.
GAY(S):We wait on….
 
VERSE 1
 
MP:You are sixteen going on seventeen, God help you if you’re gay;
Fellows you meet, would give you a sweet and make you go the wrong way.
You are seventeen going on eighteen, too young to be so lax,
You’ll have to wait unless you are straight to indulge in sexual acts.
 
Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,
Gaiety undeclared, for you are too young to consent.
 
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do;
I’m a minister don’t think I’m sinister I’ll defile your youth.
 
VERSE 2
 
GAY(S):Under eighteen we’re in the gay scene, we don’t think we’re naive;
Your back to basics makes us young gays sick, practice what you believe.
You are sixty going on seventy, you are all out of touch,
Old public schools where you learnt the rules did not sway you old sods much.
 
Totally unprepared were you to equalise the age,
Tory MPs are scared, for you, must now face gay outrage.
 
We’ll try something harsher and wilder to get our message through,
We want sixteen bugger your eighteen, we’ll out all of you.

Here are Richard Haydn and Eleanor Parker singing Sixteen Going On Seventeen in the Sound Of Music movie:

Click here for the lyrics to Sixteen Going On Seventeen.

In 1997 I updated this lyric for some House Of Lord’s reason:

SIXTEEN BUGGER YOUR EIGHTEEN – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Sixteen Going On Seventeen”)
 
INTRO
LORD(S): You wait, little chap, till you’re aged eighteen; until then you masturbate on,
Your life, little chap, is an empty one, for we Lords to legislate on.
GAY(S): We wait on….
VERSE 1
LORD(S): You are sixteen going on seventeen, God help you if you’re gay;
Fellows you meet, would give you a sweet and make you go the wrong way.
You are seventeen going on eighteen, too young to be so lax,
You’ll have to wait unless you are straight to indulge in sexual acts.
Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,
Gaiety undeclared, for you are too young to consent.
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do;
I’m an ageing peer, no-one calls me a queer, I’ll define your youth.
VERSE 2
GAY(S): Under eighteen we’re in the gay scene, we don’t think we’re naive;
Not up for blokes and too young for smokes, this can’t be what you believe.
You are sixty going on seventy, you are all out of touch,
Old public schools where you learnt the rules did not sway you old sods much.
Totally unprepared are you to recognise young men,
New Labour want the change cos they have Chris Smith and Red Ken.
We’ll try something harsher and wilder to get our message through,
We want sixteen bugger your eighteen, we’ll out all of you.