Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Portillo And Lillyet, NewsRevue Mini Ballet, 21 January 1994

I do not recall the “boycotting of Romeo and Juliet because it is too hetero” incident that triggered this idea. But I do recall Michael Portillo and Peter Lilley, prominent politicians at the time and still quite prominent 25 years later as I write in 2019.

Nurse Edwina is Edwina Currie, who at that time was best known for the “salmonella in eggs” scandal. Friar Gummer is John Gummer, who I latterly got to know well through the Marine Stewardship Council.

I do also recall this mini ballet going down very well with the audience.

_ PORTILLO AND LILLYET _

(A mini-ballet performed to Tchaikovsky’s Fantasie “Romeo & Juliet”)
 
(The musical themes I suggest are the fighting theme, the love theme a totally inappropriate tune from elsewhere and the coda. You’ll have to work out the choreography for yourselves. The narrative should hopefully provide plenty of ideas and some laughs in itself.)
 
INTRO
 
And now, following the recent boycott of Romeo and Juliet for being too heterosexual, The News Revue Back To Basic Outing Ballet Company is proud to present: Portillo and Lillyet. Your narrator is Anna Ford.
 
ANNA FORD
 
Scene one. Outside Tory party head quarters in Smith Square. The two rival factions, the Mounting-dues and the Cap-your-debts, are fighting in the street. Two of the young combatants eyes meet. They are Portillo and Lillyet. Both realise that this is the love that dare not speak its name. A love of port wine and cut budgets. Hastily, they arrange a liaison and scurry away from their fighting colleagues.
 
Scene two. A quiet spot somewhere in Whitehall. The star-crossed lovers cavort an exquisite dance. I said an exquisite…oh never mind. Then, Lillyet makes the immortal speech “Portillo, Portillo, cut the arts now, Portillo.” The lovers have one final fling and then part to return to their whips.
 
Scene three. A commons tea room. Nurse Edwina approaches Lillyet. As they jive, she tells Lillyet that his love of Portillo can never be fulfil-ed. For Lillyet is a spending department Cap-your-debt and Portillo is a treasury Mounting-due. Besides, Portillo is far too young. However, Nurse Edwina promises to try to get the age of consent reduc-ed. She persuades the gullible Lillyet to take a sleeping draft while he waits for Edwina’s bill to be enact-ed.
 
Scene four. A commons corridor. Nurse Edwina sends Friar Gummer to tell Portillo about their cunning scheme. The tragedy begins to unfold as Friar Gummer slips on some drittsekk in the corridor and fails to reach Portillo in time. When Portillo arrives and sees the sleeping Lillyet he assumes Lillyet to be dead. Portillo assumes that his political career is over. He swallows one of Nurse Edwina’s poisoned eggs, which she had conveniently left lying around. Portillo perishes. Lillyet awakens. He sees the dead Portillo and swallows one of Nurse Edwina’s poisoned eggs himself. Nurse Edwina is re-instat-ed to a ministerial post and the rival factions of the Tory party continue to squabble and make fools of themselves ceaselessly. 

Billy You Ain’t No Hero, NewsRevue Lyric, 17 January 1994

I am especially fond of this lyric, not only because it did well in NewsRevue, but because Mike Hodd (the founder of the show) has oft told me that this is one of his favourite lyrics.

There are several versions of this lyric (Bill Clinton’s peccadilloes were gifts that kept on giving to satirists), the first of which I think was the most successful.

                                               BILLY, YOU AIN’T NO HERO

                                   (To the Tune of “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”)
 
VERSE 1
 
The marching band went down along main street,
The presidential car behind;
Drum majorettes went down upon Billy,
Bill Clinton didn’t seem to mind.
And with her hand upon his shoulder,
A rather angry Hilary;
She firmly put him in a half nelson,
And set him on the pillory.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Billy, don’t be a plonker,
Don’t screw around all your life;
Billy, why must you bonk her,
Why not make do with your wife.
And as Billy jogged down the road,
He thought “where should I dump my load?”;
Billy don’t be an arse hole, don’t be a creep.
 
VERSE 2
 
The US troops are trapped in Somalia,
Cos Billy Clinton sent them there;
Don’t understand the wars he’s supporting,
Still pokes his nose in those affairs.
He was a pacifist objector,
When it was his neck on the spot;
But now that Bill is just giving orders,
He sends the troops in like a shot.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Billy, don’t play at heros,
Don’t waste American life;
Billy, don’t interfere, oh,
Stay home and fight with your wife.
Cos like with his girlfriends before,
He’ll go in and quickly withdraw,
Billy, you ain’t no hero, go back to sleep.

Below is a video of Paper Lace singing Billy Don’t Be A Hero with lyrics on the screen:

For the 1996 US Presidential election I revised the second verse and chorus thusly:

BILLY, DON’T BE AN ARSEHOLE 1996 ELECTION SPECIAL
(To the Tune of “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”)
 
VERSE 2

The Grand Old Party locked deep in combat,
Dole and Buchanan fighting it;
One right wing bastard takes on another,
The public doesn’t give a shit.
Bill Clinton might get re-elected,
Despite the fact he’s made a mess;
It’s not because Americans love him,
They just hate Bill a little less.
(They said……)

CHORUS 2

Billy, don’t be an arsehole,
Don’t make America woyce (worse, pronounced Brooklyn style – “woyce”);
Billy Clinton or Bob Dole,
Or Ross Perot – what a choice!!.
Think of all the issues Bill ducked,
And of all the pussy he’s fucked;
Billy, don’t be an arsehole, go play with your sax.

BILLY: Someone mention sex??

Then, in early 1998, when subpoenas were supposedly coming in like confetti, I rewrote Verse 2 and Chorus 2 yet again:

BILLY, YOU AIN’T NO HERO – SUBPOENA REMIX
(To the Tune of “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”)

VERSE 2

Bimbos’ subpoenas flood to The White House,
Claiming that Bill had stoked them up;
They called the roll of Bill’s jilted lovers,
Five hours later we woke up.
With Paula and Monica Lewinsky,
He bit off more than they could chew;
Bill’s trapped between Little Rock and a hard place,
He only wants his hourly screw.
(Or head).

CHORUS 2

Billy, thinks he’s a hero,
Roll with a hot dog or two;
Billy, you are a weirdo,
Why doesn’t Hillary do?
And while Billy plays with his sax,
He plans where he’ll next get some ac-tion,
Billy, you ain’t no hero, why not resign?

Those Were The Raves, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 January 1994

This is one of my personal favourites and it was used a reasonable amount in NewsRevue.

I originally put this lyric up dated 3 July 1994, but have now discovered from my log that it was originally written 9 January that year. So the twaddle I wrote about writing it while setting up Z/Yen and leaving Binders…

Written around the time that I was setting up Z/Yen – I think I had handed in my notice at Binders by then. That fact has no bearing on the song/lyric.

…is twaddle.

I recycled the rap break in my first performance piece for the Gresham Society soiree in 2011 – a version of Any Old Iron with rap break – to be Ogblogged in the fullness of time.

THOSE WERE THE RAVES

(To the Tune of “Those were The Days”)

VERSE 1

Once upon a time there was a hanger,

Where we used to hold a dance or two;

Remember how we drove in our old bangers,

Just think of all the speed we used to do.

CHORUS 1

Those were the raves my friend, we drove folk round the bend,

We’d sing and dance and hyper ventilate;

We were so full of beans, on our amphetamines,

But come the Monday we would vegetate.

RAP MIDDLE SECTION

Yo, pal, those were the days,

We t’ought d’ey’d always be the craze;

We’d spin and dance de whole night t’rough,

Cos I was poppin’ Es and you was sniffin’ glue;

And now you’ll hear the sad, sad song,

Of how we lived so fast and died so young;

But sugar, I don’t mean the thing’s I rap,

I should get outta the way, cos I’m talkin’ crap;

And I go on and on and on and on,

You know my jaw don’t stop until the break of dawn;

I’m just rabbitin’ on about a prior year,

Cos I suffer from verbal diarrhoea, yo.

VERSE 2

Soon a dizzy feeling in the cloakroom,

Jemmimah the pink rat flew through he door;

In the glass a hideous reflection,

I squeezed the zit, then passed out on the floor.

CHORUS 2

Those were the raves my friend, but they were bound to end,

We’d spin and dance all night in ecstasy;

House Acid and Hip-Hop, ’till we were fit to drop,

We’d crash and burn before we’re twenty three, (la la la la la la la la la la la la).

Here is Mary Hopkin singing Those Were The Days – if you click through you can read the lyrics too:

https://youtu.be/y3KEhWTnWvE

Christmas Song, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 4 January 1994

You really don’t need to point out to me that 4 January is not a good time of year to get inspiration for a Christmas song, especially when you write for a topical show.

This lyric popped into my head when it popped into my head, what else can I say?

                                                      _ CHRISTMAS SONG _

                                            (To the Tune of “Mary’s Boy Child”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Long time ago in Kingston town,
A calypso star went wrong;
Harry Belafonte sang,
A putrid Christmas song.
 
CHORUS 1
 
“Merry Christmas” Slade does sing,
But no-one’s having fun;
And man will bill for ever more,
A Christmas number one.
 
VERSE 2
 
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had,
An extremely shiny nose;
Frosty snowman cut a disc,
With Seal and Axil Rose.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Santa Claus has come to town,
To get on all our tits;
And man must listen ever more,
To ghastly Christmas hits.

Below is Harry Belafonte singing Mary’s Boy Child, with lyrics on the screen:

Get Back To Basics, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 2 January 1994

Prime Minister John Major’s “Back To Basics” campaign was the gift that kept on giving to comedy folk like me back then.

This lyric almost wrote itself and ran in NewsRevue a lot in 1994.


                                                      _ GET BACK TO BASICS _


                                           (To the Tune of “Get Back”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Major was a man who thought he was a leader,
But he knew it wouldn’t last;
Major was a feeble ineffective bleeder,
Borrowed slogans from the past.
 
CHORUS 1
 
MAJOR:Get back, get back, get back to basics once again;
Get back, get back, Victorians were real men;
Get back to basics!! (Trollop)
 
VERSE 2
 
Yeo Yeo was a man who hated single mothers,
Tho he was a single dad;
Yeo Yeo thought that morals just applied to others,
Others thought that Yeo was mad.
 
CHORUS 2
 
MAJOR:Get back, get back, get back on the backbench again;
You lack, you lack, the morals on which we depend;
Get back, backbencher! (you trollop)
 
VERSE 3
 
Tory was a party hated indiscretion,
Didn’t like the way it looks;
Major gave the public a distinct impression,
With the House of Commons cooks.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Set back, set back, set back to Tories once again;
Lets sack, lets sack, the hypocrite at number ten.
 
MAJOR:Get back to basics
ALL:Basically you’re crap
MAJOR:Oh bollocks.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Get Back To basics:

Click here for a link to the Beatles singing Get Back with lyrics on the screen. The embedded vid below doesn’t have the lyrics.

In February 1994 I replaced Verse 3 et. seq. with the following:

VERSE 3
 
MAJOR:Stephen was a sad sack with no contaception,
Never had a furtive shag;
CHORUS:Stephen it appears preferred his own erection,
With a flex and plastic bag.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Get back, get back, get back to Playtex once again,
Get black, get black, get black suspenders on your men;
Set back, set back, set back to Tories once again;
Lets sack, lets sack, the hypocrite at number ten.
 
And lets hear it for Hartley Booth, the easy lay preacher:
Amen.

The Voice Over, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1994

It possibly needs to be said that, back in the early to mid 1990s, the voices of IRA and Sinn Fein people could not be broadcast on UK media, so their words would be spoken by an actor.

This lyric is about the politics of all that Ireland stuff at that time.

There are several versions and I’m not sure how many, if any, were used. I don’t think the first/original version was used.

_ THE VOICE OVER _

(To the Tune of “The Wild Rover”)
 
VERSE 1 – GERRY ADAMS
 
(Obviously a voice over)I’ve needed voice overs for many a year,
Cos I spent all me time spreading terrorist fear;
But now that the Irish and British accord,
I might never have this voice over no more.
(His own voice now)So its no nay never,
IRA will no more,
Have a pointless voice over,
No never, no more.
 
VERSE 2 – THE GIRLS
 
We’re from Northern Ireland which you might console,
Tho’ at least we’re allowed to employ birth control;
But now Patrick Mayhew works with Fienna Foil,
They might stop us using the pill and the coil.
And once we’ve got rhythm,
To be sure to be sure,
We won’t get our legs over,
No never, no more.
 
VERSE 3 – THE REVERAND IAN PAISLEY
 
I’ve been a wild vicar for many an age,
Cos I spend all me time preaching hellfire and rage;
But now that the British might elbow me out,
I’ll get really angry and bellow and shout.
And I’ll lose my temper,
Cause a loyalist riot,
And you’ll know my life’s over,
The day I keep quiet.
 
FINAL CHORUS – ALL
 
So in Northern Ireland,
No nay never no way,
Will the violence give over,
Not yet anyway.

Below is a video of The Dubliners singing The Wild Rover with the lyrics on the screen:

I tried submitting a simplified version of the lyric a bit later in January 1994 – I think this was by request and I think one might have been used:

_ THE VOICE OVER _

(To the Tune of “The Wild Rover”)
 
VERSE 1 – GERRY ADAMS
 
(Obviously a voice over)I’ve needed voice overs for many a year,
Cos I spent all me time spreading terrorist fear;
But now that the Irish and British accord,
I might never have this voice over no more.
(His own voice now)So its no nay never,
IRA will no more,
Have a pointless voice over,
No never, no more.
 
VERSE 2 – THE REVERAND IAN PAISLEY
 
I’ve been a wild vicar for many an age,
Cos I spend all me time preaching hellfire and rage;
But now that the British might elbow me out,
I’ll get really angry and bellow and shout.
And I’ll lose my temper,
Cause a loyalist riot,
And you’ll know my life’s over,
The day I keep quiet.
 
FINAL CHORUS
 
So in Northern Ireland,
No nay never no way,
Will the violence give over,
Not yet anyway.

In May 1994 I added an additional verse at the start. I’m pretty sure this version wasn’t used in the show:

VERSE 1 – MAD MULLAH
 
I’ve been a mad mullah for many a year,
Cos I spend all my time making novelists fear;
They claim that we mullahs back the IRA,
With Iranian weapons, but we say “no way”.
Yes it’s no way never, (CHORUS:right up your cassock)
Would we fund Irish blarney,
Cos their actor voice overs,
Can’t say “Rafsanjani”.

In September 1994 I added a suggested interlude between the Adams and the Paisley verses, which again, I’m pretty sure, wasn’t used:

[Optional Patrick Mayhew or John Major: I’m not convinced that the phrases “no nay never”, “no never” and “no more” mean the same thing as perminent. It is not clear. Now if Gerry Adams had made it clear, in whatever form of words he liked, you wouldn’t have had to suffer Ian Paisley singing the next verse]

There’s No Business, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1994

This one got used a lot by various people over the years – it has a timeless quality really, apart from in mega boom times.

I really like it still, writing this up in October 2018:

_ THERE’S NO BUSINESS _

(To the Tune of “There’s No Business Like Show Business”)

 

VERSE 1

 

The miners, the builders, the dockers, the erks,

The workers who are made to foot the bill;

The bosses, employers, directors and berks,

Who pay themselves fat bonuses at will;

The green shoots that are growing like a snail,

The companies that are about to fail.

 

CHORUS 1

 

There’s no business, just slow business, and so businesses close;

All our infrastructure is unpeeling,

Everything is rotting to the core,

Britain’s bosses all are so unfeeling,

When they’re revealing,

They’re sacking more.

 

CHORUS 2

 

We’ve no people, to grow people and so people must go,

Industry’s a turkey so decayed and old,

That leaves folks stranded out in the cold,

Everybody’s business is about to fold,

So sing, dance and amuse,

Revue gladdens the news.

I had completely forgotten that original closing couplet, aiming the song as an opening or closing number for the show. It was replaced by various couplets at times, sometimes naming Chancellors, but perennially:

The market’s out of control,

We’ll all land on the dole.

Here is a clip from the movie Annie Get Your Gun:

The following version has Ethel Merman and the lyrics if you click through:

Submission To Maggie Danylewycz, Re NewsRevue, 2 January 1994

My first encounter with the superb director Maggie Danylewycz – hence my inability to spell her name that first time. This didn’t seem to put Maggie off using my material – she used loads in that run.

                    LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING


                      MAGGIE DANNIEVICH JANUARY-FEBRUARY 1994 RUN
 
Dear Maggie
 
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings.  The pack consists of mainly new songs plus one or two rewrites of older ones etc.  I haven’t included chestnuts from earlier runs, but if you want me to work on one that you have uncovered, just let me know.
 
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I shall be happy to change them on request.
 
See you soon.

Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 1 January 1994

My burst of creative energy over that seasonal break continued into the early days of 1994.

This lyric, about the Serbian wars, is the only item from my paltry song thought jottings in China, Hong Kong and Bali to make it to an actual lyric.

Quite a good one, though, which i think did well in NewsRevue and for sure did well for Ben Murphy who recorded it.

_ SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF _
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Where’ve the Balkans gone?{Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan{Mr Slobidan},  Yugoslavians  {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.
 
VERSE 2
 
Where are Bosnians?{Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan  {Mr Radovan}  Brutal Serbian  {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.
 
VERSE 3
 
Still the war goes on{Still the war goes on}
Greater Serbian  {Greater Serbian}  Strike Albanians  {Strike Albanians}
Far far away, Kosovo way.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Last year the Kosovans were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief.

Below is a video of Middle Of The Road singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, with the lyrics, such as they are, on the screen.

https://youtu.be/qljlDmYHd68

In the summer of 1995 I wrote an update of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief which I think revived the lyric in NewsRevue for several weeks:

SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF – SUMMER 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)

VERSE 1

Where’ve the Balkans gone? {Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan {Mr Slobidan}, Yugoslavians {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.

CHORUS 1

Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.

VERSE 2

Where are Bosnians? {Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan {Mr Radovan} Brutal Serbian {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.

CHORUS 2

Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.

VERSE 3

Where is UNPROFOR? {Where is UNPROFOR?}
In this brutal war {In this brutal war} Saving weak and poor? {Save the weak & poor?}
No bloody way, no bloody way.

CHORUS 3

Last year the Bosnians were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Russian Shock, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 December 1993

This lyric did well in NewsRevue early in 1994 if I remember correctly.

Writing more than 25 years later, in 2019, this ultra-Nationalistic Vladimir Zhirinovsky character is still hanging around in Russian politics, it seems…

…April 2022 Update: The old git has snuffed it.

Headline Photo by A. Sdobnikov, CC BY 3.0

The reference to Liberal Democrats in the Isle of Dogs was related to a local election saga in the autumn of 1993 – click here.

_ RUSSIAN SHOCK _

(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
 
The song should be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
 
INTRO
 
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
 
VERSE 1
 
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again,
Oi!!

In May 1996 I wrote an update of the above lyric:

RUSSIAN SHOCK – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
The song should possibly be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
INTRO
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
VERSE 1
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
CHORUS 1
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again;
We could vote Gennady Zyuganov,
Old style Commie, probably insane,
We could vote Yavlinsky from Yabloko,
Maybe stick with Boris Yeltsin once again,
Oi!!

Below is Dimitri Dourakine’s recording of Casatschok with a suitable miltary dancing video. No lyrics, as there aren’t any, really. Just the occasional “oy”. Or do I mean “oi”?