Not my best ever lyric, this one. I don’t think it was used, but perhaps it was.
I guess I was irritated about Coca Cola’s prominence in the Olympics marketing that summer. But the games were being held in Atlanta Georgia, so what did I realistically expect?
Anyway, here are my lyrics:
THE OLYMPICS ARE SHIT
(To the Tune of “The First Time”)
VERSE 1
First line, first drug,
What a feeling is this?
Electricity surge
Extra power, what bliss.
Like a break in the clouds in the Atlanta sun
With the sound of the crowds now the contest’s begun.
These are amateur games with professional kit,
And a whole load of substance abuse, the Olympics are shit,
The Olympics are shit.
MIDDLE EIGHT
When they were new,
The Olympics were fair and true,
Now there just are no words to describe the deception
Oh no no no
VERSE 2
Big dosh, such hype,
What a sponsorship deal;
The most mercenary yet,
Can this nightmare be real?
Let me sponsor your towel, print my name on your shorts,
The gold medal is yours, we don’t care for the sports;
They should give an award for the product which bored,
Us the most with this commercial shit, Coca Cola is it!
Coca Cola is it.
Here is the advert/song which is a suitable repository for the above lyric – other brands’ irritating soft drink commercials are available.
There must have been a few strikes on that summer. It’s a neat idea but probably reads better than it would have performed. I don’t think it was performed.
STRIKE ME A LETTER (To the Tune of “The Letter”)
VERSE 1
SINGER: Give me a ticket for an aeroplane. STRIKE 1: (speaks) Sorry dear, the pilots and air traffic controllers are on strike. SINGER: Ain’t got time to take a fast train. STRIKE 2: (voiceover) London Transport apologises for the inconvenience, but due to industrial action there are no fast train Metropolitan Line services today. SINGER: Lonely days are gone, I’m a goin’ home, Cos my baby just-a wrote me a letter. STRIKE 3: (speaks) Unlikely, dear – post boxes are boarded up for the umpteenth time as postal workers are staging another 24 hour stoppage….. SINGER: (speaks – frustrated)…. she had it couriered to me – OK?
VERSE 2
SINGER: I don’t care how much money I’ve got to spend. STRIKE 1: (speaks) Cashpoint machine’s broken down again. SINGER: Got to get back to my baby again. STRIKE 3: (speaks) You’ll have to drive, clever clogs. No planes and trains, remember? SINGER: Strikes that never end, drive me round the bend, And now my baby just e-mailed me a letter.
MIDDLE EIGHT
SINGER: Then she faxed me a letter and demanded her rights to see me without doubt, Listen, mister, in the States, Bill Clinton says it’s just three strikes and you are out, I’ll go there, hey….
VERSE 3
SINGER: Give me a ticket for an Aeroplane, STRIKE 1: (speaks) Choose your transatlantic carrier, sir – British Airways, British Airways or British Airways. SINGER: (speaks) um….British Airways please. STRIKE 1: (speaks) I think they’re about to go on strike again. SINGER: These disputes are such a vast pain Tories cause a storm, strikes become the norm, I think I’ll write John Major a letter. STRIKE 3: (speaks) Not much point just now, the postal workers are still on strike. SINGER: (speaks) Just answer me this one question – how do striking postal workers hold a postal ballot to agree the end of a strike?
Usual apologies for the poor look of the “table” of submissions, which converts so poorly from Amipro software, but you’ll get the idea.
Jason Kane seems to have called me prior to my submission; a rare proactive move by a new director before the start of a run. Well done him.
Jason Kane
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JULY-AUGUST 1996 RUN
Dear Jason
It was good to hear from you this weekend. I was feeling guilty about my lack of submissions and actually had a jotter full of new ideas.
This starter pack consists of mainly the new songs, plus a couple of rewrites and one or two currently in the show which I think still have legs.
Please do call me again if you are still short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Approx.. No. of weeks performed/ 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
hillary / eleanor / turtles – new
john major just cares for me / my baby just cares for me / nina simone – new
tony blair / gloria / vivaldi = new
solicitors are doin’ it to themselves / sisters are doin’ it for themselves / eurythmics – new
saturday night’s all right for tantrums / saturday night’s all right for fighting / elton – new
mr ghali / mr blobby / mr blobby – new
netanyahu / hallelujah chorus / handel – new
paisley & adams / father & son / cat stevens – 1-3
ode to eurosceptics / symphony 9 mov 4 excerpt / beethoven – 1-3
Presumably there had been a news item about Elton John having a hissy-fit about something.
SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALL RIGHT FOR TANTRUMS (To the Tune of “Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting”)
VERSE 1
It’s Saturday, late, And so I’m in a state; I’m Elton John don’t call me queer; It’s seven o’clock, got my glasses stocked, In my walk-in wardrobe full of gear.
My cash pile’s a biggy, So don’t go and call me wiggy, Or Elton here might cause a scene; There’s nothing bizarrer than a poof in a tiara, With a partner who’s a screaming queen.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh….
CHORUS 1
Don’t give me so much TV exposure, I’m still standing ‘tho I’ve sinned; Saturday night’s all right for tantrums, Like a candle in the wind.
Your song’s got me sounding like a rocket man, A song for any guy I like; Saturday night’s all right for tantrums, Saturday night’s all right. All right, all right, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
OUTRO
CHORUS Elton John, Elton John, Elton John Elton John, Elton John, Elton John Elton John, Elton John, Elton John’s Full of shite.
Below is a video with Elton John singing Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting with lyrics on the screen:
Written primarily for NewsRevue, I think this one was performed during the summer of 1996. I don’t think it made it to Edinburgh though; maybe it did.
These days (writing in December 2015) the notion that New Labour is almost indistinguishable from the Conservatives is considered to be hard-left Corbynism, but in those days, before Labour took power in 1997, it was pretty much the way most people felt.
♬ JOHN MAJOR JUST CARES LIKE ME
(To the Tune of “My Baby Just Cares For Me”) ♬
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR – SOLUS
John Major don’t care for fools,
John Major don’t care for schools,
John Major just cares for beef;
John Major don’t care for bastards’ tactics,
John Major don’t care for Eurosceptics.
George Gardener is not my style,
And even Peter Lilley’s guile,
Is something I don’t need;
John Major don’t care who knows,
John Major just cares for me.
MIDDLE EIGHT – INSTRUMENTAL – LET THE PIANIST SEIZE THE DAY
(John dances a little – then enter Tony Blair)
JOHN: Hello Tony. Have you come to join me?
TONY: I’ve been with you all the while, John.
(They dance together – at points synchronised – at some points chronically unsynchronised)
TONY: I say I say I say. What’s the difference between new labour and old conservatism?
JOHN: I don’t know. What is the difference between new labour and old conservatism?
TONY: I don’t know. I thought you knew. What’s this “New Labour, new danger” bit then?
JOHN: New danger that the British public gets another 17 years of the same old rubbish, I suppose. I don’t write ’em. I just tell ’em.
(They dance some more.)
VERSE 2 – BOTH
TONY: New Labour don’t care for wealth,
New Labour don’t care for health,
JOHN: It cares like me!!
TONY: New Labour don’t care for left wing vision,
TONY: New Labour don’t care for Socialism.
JOHN: Eric Heffer is not his style,
TONY: And even Norman Tebbit’s smile,
Is something I can see;
JOHN: (Its something he can see)
I wonder what’s wrong with Bambi?
TONY: John Major just cares for,
JOHN: The stuff Tony Blair’s for?,
BOTH: {New Labour just cares like me.}
{John Major just cares like me.}
Yeah!!
Not one of my great pieces and I don’t think this one ever got performed. At least I don’t think I ever got paid for it.
My best song on the subject of Bill and Hillary Clinton, , though I say so myself, was a lyric that might sit comfortably with Billy Don’t Be a Hero. Indeed, Mike Hodd himself (pater familias NewsRevue) often talks that one up. I’ll upload that one too, some day.
But reflecting on this Hillary song as I write now, in December 2015, the stuff about Hillary communicating with the late Eleanor Roosevelt doesn’t get talked about much.
I really like the song, by the Turtles, upon which the lyric sits comfortably if you choose to do so. It is one I can just about play on my baritone ukulele.
You’ve got a thing about you,
Landing us both in the poo,
Every reporter, Hillary, smears me;
Your plans intoxicate me,
That’s why the press berates me,
Over Whitewater, will the courts clear me?
CHORUS 1 – BILL CLINTON
Hillary, gee, I think you’re swell,
With those properties you sell,
Through our pals’ Arkansan Mafia;
Hillary, do we both have pride?
Do we both shag on the side?
Like did Vincent Foster stiff yah?
VERSE 2 – HILLARY
I’ve been too altruistic,
So I’m told by my mystic,
Speaking the words of Eleanor’s phantom;
I’m going to play by new rules,
No-one calls me a screw ball,
Out of my box, I’ll box like a bantam.
CHORUS 2 – HILLARY
Eleanor, Mrs Roosavelt,
Through the Ouija board I felt,
As I touched Mahatma Ghandi;
Eleanor, I like a good time,
Is it really such a crime?
Has it made my legs go bandy?
OUTRO – BOTH
HILLARY: Eleanor, gee I think you’re swell – oohh aahh
BILL Hillary, I don’t think you’re well – oohh aahh
BOTH Aahhhhhhhh
This is a sour comedy song really, about Northern Ireland politics. But in 1996 peace seemed potentially within striking distance and yet illusive. This did OK in NewsRevue, if I remember correctly, but not as well as others on the subject.
Was it John Cowan who wrote a great “Addams Family” parody for this subject? I remember something by John Random about the Orangemen marching that almost had me falling off my chair with laughter.
♬ PAISLEY AND ADAMS (To the Tune of “Father & Son”) ♬
VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!
VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)
I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Paddy Mayhew’s snot;
That prick will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.
VERSE 3 – BOTH
PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, with these Tories;
From the moment I could shout,
ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace was blown away;
I know, the peace is blown.
I wrote an update 22 July 1997 which I think revived this one for a while:
PAISLEY AND ADAMS 1997 VERSION
(To the Tune of “Father & Son”)
VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!
VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)
I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Maureen Mowlem’s twat;
That bitch will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.
VERSE 3 – BOTH
PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, since those Tories;
From the moment I could shout,
ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace will blow away;
I think this quickie song worked well as a companion piece to sketches about Euroscepticism in NewsRevue back in 1996. The cast of idiots might have changed, but writing now nearly 20 years later (December 2015) and this subject is pretty high on the Tory agenda and indeed the national agenda with a referendum promised.
♬ ODE TO EUROSCEPTICS (To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”) ♬
CHORUS – MP’s
ALL: At Westminster in the commons,
Tossed out of the cabinet;
Wasting power with John Major,
Seen our chance of grabbing it.
BLOKES: We’re both Normans,
GIRL 1: Teresa Gorman,
GIRL 2: Bill Cash without his testicles;
ALL: (So) we shall beef all through the summer,
We are Eurosceptical.
ALL: Storm the polls with,
Old Jimmy Goldsmith;
Tell Major where to stick his whips;
(We’ll) bore you shitless ’til next Christmas,
We are Euroscepticists.
DonkeyHotey [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]
Actually there were several versions of this lyric in the aftermath of the 1996 Israeli election and Benjamin Netanyahu‘s subsequent antics. This lyric did really well in NewsRevue and several directors asked for updates. Below is the first version – more or less straight after the 1996 election.
THE NETANYAHU CHORUS (To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)
[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]
THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Not the Israeli boss we expected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Old Shimon Peres has been rejected; (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Ariol Sharon is resurected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And Yasser Arafat is dejected. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)
The leader of Likud, he is no bloody good; The leader of Likud will want to fight and show his might.
FOUR YEARS SHALL SEEM (formerly For He Shall Reign)
Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never; Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never.
BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)
Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) He’s dead thick, (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And such a prick; (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And smart he’s not – Peres must wish Bibi had been shot.
CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Although one thing occurs to us mark you; Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu; Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s dead thick and such a prick; But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you, We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu; WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!!
A very minor edit in october 1996, changed the second line of “The Leader of Likud” to:
he chose to fight and show his might…
…and the last line of “Big Fat Git” to…
And smart he’s not – Peres must wish Bibi had been shot.
Also a 1 March 1997 remix, which also seems very minor, changing just the title and a few lines, bringing corruption into the mix:
NETANYAHU CHORUS – YES HE REALLY IS A BASTARD REMIX (To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)
[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]
THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Not the Israeli boss we expected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Old Shimon Peres has been rejected; (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Ariol Sharon is resurected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And Yasser Arafat is dejected. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)
The leader of Likud, he is no bloody good; The leader of Likud he likes to fight and show his might.
FOUR YEARS SHALL SEEM (formerly For He Shall Reign)
Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never; Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never.
BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)
Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) He’s a prick (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Corrupt and thick (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And smart he’s not – Israelis wish that Bibi had been shot.
CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Although one thing occurs to us mark you; Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu; Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s a prick, corrupt and thick; But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you, We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu; WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!!
Finally, the following version from May 1999 when I thought, wrongly, that he was gone for good. Sadly he was merely gone temporarily:
NETANYAHU CHORUS – GOODBYE REMIX (To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel) [The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.] THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH) Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Bibi and Likud have been rejected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Since Ehud Barak has been elected (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Israel is partying, they’re all plastered (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) So we shall sing goodbye to that bastard. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH) The leader of Likud, he was no bloody good; The leader of Likud he chose to fight and show his might. THREE YEARS HAVE SEEMED (formerly For He Shall Reign) Three years have seemed like ever and ever, and peace was put on the never and never; Three years have seemed like ever and ever, and peace was put on the never and never. BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS) Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) He’s dead thick, (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And such a prick; (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And smart he’s not – Israelis wish that Bibi had been shot. CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Although one thing occurs to us mark you; Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu; Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s dead thick and such a prick; But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you, We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu; WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!! (goodbye).
Below is the Hallelujah Chorus by George Frederick Handel with lyrics on the screen:
