Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

I don’t recall this one being used – perhaps it was. The Britpop rivalry between Oasis and Blur was all the rage back then – Ben Murphy did loads on that – but not this lyric.

RIP IT OFF
(To the Tune of “Roll With It”)

VERSE 1

You gotta rip it off,
You gotta plagiarise,
You gotta sound like the Beatles back in 1965;
With a lyric telling kids just what to do.

You gotta rake it in,
You gotta make a pile,
You gotta sing that you’re young in a very aged style;
I think its gotta be Oasis’ hair (pronounced scouse style – “hur”)
It’s either them or Pulp or maybe Blur,
These new bands are such novel deja vu.

MIDDLE EIGHT

They all know what it takes to get along (yeh, yeh yeh),
Just pull the chords from someone else’s song (yeh yeh yeh)
And don’t sing ding-a-ding or bang-a-gong (no no no)
And you’re agent plugs away with all this tripe but it’s gotta be a Grade A hype.

OUTRO

You gotta fool the kids,
You gotta top the charts,
You gotta promise Oasis but sell them a mirage;
I think we’re gonna make a lot this year (still scouse style – “yur”),
Our single aim’s to earn more dosh than Blur,
And some of you might think that aim’s unfair (scouse – “unfur”),
Cos half our fans migrate from Rupert Bear (you’ve got it – “Rupert Bur”),
But even if you think this song sounds square (goes without saying “squur”),
I think there’s still one point where we concur,
The more cash that we earn, the more you’re screwed.

Here’s Oasis singing Roll With It, including lyrics:

Writing in June 2017, just after Emmanuel Macron has shaken up the French political system and we wait to see if he can deliver, it is good to read this reminder of the way French politics is/was.

I’m not sure if this one was used; quite possibly not, or if so, only briefly.

There are some good lines in it, though.

 MY NAME IS JACQUES  MY NAME IS JACQUES (To the Tune of “My Name is Jack”)

VERSE 1
My first name’s Jacques and my surname’s Chirac from the Lysee Palace Home;

When I use the Paris Subway they call me Metro Gnome.

CHORUS 1

JACQUES: Yes my name’s Jacques and my surname’s Chirac, From the European school of wayward right wing trends;

CHORUS: We all hate Jacques, he’s a pain in the jack- -sy, He’s almost ghastly as that bastard bloke Le Pen. (Whistle refrain)

VERSE 2

Here comes Kohl with his opinion poll which he thinks means he’ll survive;

And here comes Mitterand who’s only just alive.

It’s lots of fun so I’d love to run my full fourteen years;

Those plebs on strike can take a hike, we’re nursing our careers.

CHORUS 2

JACQUES: Yes my name’s Jacques and my surname’s Chirac, From the European race to get Maastricht criteria;

CHORUS: We all hate Jacques cos he stabs in the back, And is disappearing quickly up his own posterior. (Whistles refrain)

VERSE 3

Here’s Juppe with a lobby who say, that I shouldn’t test the bomb;

And here comes Jacques Santer, who’s Euro must get on;

There’s this silliest bloke who we love to joke who is known as Major the Creep,

Our blokes on strike can take a hike but still blockade his sheep,

Go back to sleep.

CHORUS 3

JACQUES: Yes my name’s Jacques and I’m known for my tact-, -ics, I never listen as my own thing’s what I do;

CHORUS: We all hate Jacques and his right wing brat pack, So the French republic all recherche les temps perdue.

We all hate Jacques!!!!

Here is a video of Manfred Mann singing My Friend Is Jack – you need to click through the link for the lyrics set out underneath the vid:

I rather like this lyric. I’m not sure how well it did in the show.

DON’T YOU WANT ME VOTERS?
(To the Tune of “Don’t You Want Me?”)
VERSE 1

MAGGIE: You were working as a teller in a Brixton Bank when I met you;
I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around,
And turned you into someone blue;
Now five years later on you’re facing up to defeat,
Success has not been easy for you;
But don’t forget it’s me who put you where you are now,
And I can put you back down too.

CHORUS 1

MAJOR: Don’t, don’t they want me?
You know I can’t believe it when they say they won’t vote Tory;
Don’t, don’t they want me?
You know I don’t believe it when the papers say I’m boring.
I think I might resign….
MAGGIE: What! And let in Hestletine?
BOTH: You’d [I’d] better toughen up or we will both be sorry.
MAJOR: Don’t you want me voters? Don’t you want me?……….(feebly)………. no?
Don’t you want me voters? Don’t you want me?…..(more feebly)…… oh.

VERSE 2

MAJOR: You were working as Prime Minister in Downing Street that much is true;
But even then I knew I’d find a much better way, either with or without you.
MAGGIE: Those five years since I went have been dismal times, you make me spew;
But now the right is stuck between the rocks and hard place,
And so we must put up with you.

CHORUS 2

MAJOR: Don’t, don’t they want me?
You know I don’t believe it when they say I’ve got no mandate;
MAGGIE: Don’t, don’t they want you?
You might need an election long before you reach your planned date.
MAJOR: I think I might resign….
MAGGIE: The plonker’s lost his spine
BOTH: You’d [I’d] better get it back or we’ll have no more Tories.
MAGGIE: Don’t you want him voters? Don’t you want him? No!!!
MAJOR: Don’t you want me voters? Don’t you want me?…..(feebly)…… oh.
BOTH: Don’t you want me [him] voters?

[MAJOR: (spoken) Well I was only asking.]

Here is Don’t You Want Me sung by the Human League:

I like this lyric but I’m not sure it got used much, if at all. I assigned the rights to ChildLine.

I wrote two versions in quick order – the second is better I think – here’s the second (I’ll place the first version right at the end for completist purposes):

CHRISTMAS SONG – VERSION 2
(To the Tune of “Mary’s Boy Child”)
VERSE 1

Long time ago in Kingston town,
A calypso star went wrong;
Harry Belafonte sang,
A putrid Christmas song.

CHORUS 1

“Merry Christmas” Slade does sing,
But no-one’s having fun;
And Cliff will try for ever more,
For Christmas number ones.

VERSE 2

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had,
A very shiny nose and fur;
Frosty snowman cut a disc,
With Oasis and with Blur.

CHORUS 2

Santa Claus has come to town,
To get on all our tits;
And man must listen ever more,
To ghastly Christmas hits.

OUTRO

Preach goodwill one day each year,
Pretend we’re all not gits;
And charities will ever more,
Launch putrid Christmas hits.

Here is Harry Belafonte singing Mary’s Boy Child with the lyrics:

Here’s the first version of my lyric:

CHRISTMAS SONG
(To the Tune of “Mary’s Boy Child”)
VERSE 1

Long time ago in Kingston town,
A calypso star went wrong;
Harry Belafonte sang,
A putrid Christmas song.

CHORUS 1

“Merry Christmas” Slade does sing,
But no-one’s having fun;
And man will bill for ever more,
A Christmas number one.

VERSE 2

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had,
An extremely shiny nose;
Frosty snowman cut a disc,
With Seal and Axil Rose.

CHORUS 2

Santa Claus has come to town,
To get on all our tits;
And man must listen ever more,
To ghastly Christmas hits.

I even had another go with it in December 1996:

CHRISTMAS SONG – 1996
(To the Tune of “Mary’s Boy Child”)

VERSE 1

Long time ago in Kingston town,
A calypso star went wrong;
Harry Belafonte sang,
A putrid Christmas song.

CHORUS 1

(Ding dong ding dong)
“Merry Christmas” Slade does sing,
But no-one’s having fun;
And Cliff will try for ever more,
For Christmas number ones.
(Funk it up now)

VERSE 2

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had,
A shiny nose and shiny fur;
Frosty snowman cut a disc,
With Oasis and with Blur.

CHORUS 2

(Ding dong ding dong)
Santa Claus has come to town,
To get on all our tits;
And man must listen ever more,
To ghastly Christmas hits.

OUTRO

Preach goodwill one day each year,
Pretend we’re all not gits;
And charities will ever more,
Launch putrid Christmas hits.

Almost certainly unused, this feels like a pun on a song title stretched beyond reason. I’m not even sure what I was really trying to say with this one.

THE TAX CUTS ARE THE WEAKEST
(To the Tune of “The First Cut is the Deepest”)
VERSE 1 – KEN CLARKE

I would have levied your hearts and your souls,
But we’ve fallen behind in the polls;
And since I’ve taken almost all that you’ve got,
This time around I’ll hand it back again,
Voters, I’ll hand it back again, but you know…….

CHORUS 1

Our tax cuts are the weakest,
(Surely you know)
Our tax cuts are the weakest;
Cos when it comes to pleasing people we’re cursed,
So when it comes to lower tax, we’re first,
But once we’re back in number ten it’s reversed,
(That’s how it is)
Our tax cuts are the weakest,
(Surely you know)
Our tax cuts are the weakest.

VERSE 2 – KEN CLARKE

I still want you fiscally,
So I’ll stump up fag and booze duty,
And sneak some extra dosh through VAT,
With half a chance I’d tax and spend again,
Voters, I’ll tax and spend again, cos you know…..
Ooohhh ooohhh

CHORUS 2

Our tax cuts are the meanest,
(Surely you know)
Our tax cuts are the meanest;
And when it comes to help the needy we’re worst,
Cos looking after number one comes first,
That’s why we’re squeezing you pip-squeaks ’til you burst,
(That’s how it is)
Our tax cuts are the meanest,
(Stuff Tony Blaire)
Our tax cuts are the weakest,
(Load of hot air)
OUR TAX CUTS ARE THE WEAKEST!!!

Here is Cat Stevens singing The First Cut Is The Deepest. Load YouTube to read lyrics in the text area beneath:

I don’t recall this one being used, but I think it was good enough. One of those perennial scares about health.

THE PILL IS SAFE
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)

INTRO

Hello, you third generation pill, you.

VERSE 1

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row coming on;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
It always makes the autumn fun;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.

VERSE 2

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now the whole of London’s using caps and condoms;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.

VERSE 3

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`

Here is the Big Bopper’s version of Chantilly Lace:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfkvdlBz62k

I updated the lyric 22 April 1996:

THE PILL IS SAFE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)

INTRO

Hello, you third generation pill, you.

VERSE 1

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row we all see;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
Just like we did with BSE;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.

VERSE 2

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now there’s less precaution and there’s more abortion;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.

VERSE 3

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`

I’m not too sure what this lyric was about – presumably some sort of jazz fundraiser for the nascent Globe back then. Hardly big news and I don’t think this lyric made the NewsRevue show.

Shame really, it has some good lines. I might try to revive it as a performance piece of my own for my baroq-ulele.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S RAGTIME SHOW
(To the Tune of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”)
VERSE 1

Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show;
Come on and see, come on and see,
It’s the best show in the Globe.

You can corpse at comedy or you’ll learn from history,
Close the play with carnage if the show’s a tragedy;
This card’s the best bard by a yard, at least that far.

Come on along, come on along,
As You Like It, Much Ado;
Come on along, come on along,
Henry Four Parts One and Two;
And if you wanna see that Julius Caesar play set rag style,
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.

VERSE 2

Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show,
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
Sing a rag hey nonny no.

With a funny sense of rhyme, called iambic pantomime,
Make heroic speeches then go murder eight or nine,
This show is so Tarantino meets Sarajevo;

Come on along, come on along,
Mix up twins then all marry,
Come on along, come on along,
Play a jazz soliloquy;
And if you want to hear “Hey Nonny Nonny” syncopated,

OUTRO

Come on and hear, come on and hear,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime,
Little boys in drag time,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.

Here’s a YouTube of Louis Armstrong singing Alexander’s Ragtime Band:

…and here’s a link to those Alexander lyrics too.