I went to NewsRevue so often in the 1990s, I’d rarely even note it in my diary.
Thursday night was “writers meeting and see NewsRevue night” most weeks.
But on this particular week things must have been different, as John Random has recently (July 2017) sent me a note from his own diary, as follows:
IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY – SORT OF
Friday August 1st. Newsrevue. Especially good was Ivan’s Alice in LabourLand and Ian Harris’s Me and Paula Jones about Clinton’s sexual harassment case. Ian and Janie were there, as were Barry and Ali Robertson
John is such a nice chap, his note doesn’t actually ask me to upload the lyric so he can read it.
But I’m a nice chap too and I realise that a revisit to the lyric will please John, me and perhaps other Ogblog readers too, so “up it goes”…as Bill Clinton no doubt frequently used to put it.
Slow numbers don’t often work in NewsRevue, but this one was a surefire winner.
ME AND PAULA JONES
(A solo for Bill Clinton to the Tune of “Me and Mrs Jones”)
VERSE 1
Me and Paula Jones,
We had a thing going on;
I know right from wrong, but I took my dong,
And let it show now.
I showed Paula my mark,
In the trailer park;
(My troopers), my troopers made sure she’d be there;
Holding hands, shaking my growing glands,
As those troopers helped me service my shlong.
VERSE 2
Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a case going on;
We both know that it’s long, but she claims I’m wrong,
When I let it show now.
I’ve now gotta be extra careful,
I can’t afford to get my bone up too high,
Cos she has her own litigation,
And so, and so do I
VERSE 3
Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a case going on;
We both know that it’s strong, but it’s much too long,
To let it go now.
Now it’s time for us to be courting,
The Supreme Court, the Supreme Court inside;
Now she’ll brief her silk and I’ll brief mine,
Tomorrow we’ll meet, the same court the same time
OUTRO
Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a thing going on;
Sax solo voters – I’ve always been extra partial to playing with my sax
(Bill wanders off, playing his sax)
Here is the original video of Billy Paul singing Me and Mrs Jones, which is absolutely cracking! So 1970’s; the fag hanging out of Billy Paul’s mouth is massively symbolic. In any case, although the song has now been so overplayed as to seem a cliché, in truth I still think it is a fabulous song:
18 January 1997: John Random (Burns) & Jenny Mill At Sandall Close
I think this was the first time we had dinner with those two. Janie dutifully wrote in her diary “fish only, no meat” so my guess is that we did indeed eat fish.
Who would have thought that, inadvertently, we’d see those two for a meal almost exactly 25 years later, but we did indeed go to their place in Bromley for a super meal on Sunday 16 January 2022.
24 January 1997: Bridge At Maz’s Place
I’m guessing here, but the four would probably have been Maz (obvs), me (also obvs), Andrea and Tessa at that time.
I think Maz was living in Becklow Road, Acton by then.
The eating and drinking will have been as central to the evening as the bridge, if not more so.
25 January 1997: Dinner At Stuart & Cathy’s Place
Stuart Kent (“Little Mick” Kent, my dad’s cousin’s son) and his partner Cathy Andrews.
They lived in Muswell Hill in a rather eccentric-looking penthouse apartment designed in an uber-1970s garish style, which they had inherited from the previous owner – an unusual look they clearly liked & had enhanced.
This is a sour comedy song really, about Northern Ireland politics. But in 1996 peace seemed potentially within striking distance and yet illusive. This did OK in NewsRevue, if I remember correctly, but not as well as others on the subject.
Was it John Cowan who wrote a great “Addams Family” parody for this subject? I remember something by John Random about the Orangemen marching that almost had me falling off my chair with laughter.
♬ PAISLEY AND ADAMS (To the Tune of “Father & Son”) ♬
VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!
VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)
I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Paddy Mayhew’s snot;
That prick will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.
VERSE 3 – BOTH
PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, with these Tories;
From the moment I could shout,
ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace was blown away;
I know, the peace is blown.
I wrote an update 22 July 1997 which I think revived this one for a while:
PAISLEY AND ADAMS 1997 VERSION
(To the Tune of “Father & Son”)
VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!
VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)
I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Maureen Mowlem’s twat;
That bitch will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.
VERSE 3 – BOTH
PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, since those Tories;
From the moment I could shout,
ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace will blow away;
This looked all neat and tidy with an Amipro table at the end of it; the best I can do now is to turn the table into a list of submissions.
But you’ll get the idea.
I was getting into co-writing a bit at that time; a couple on this submission – never worked quite as well as I’d hoped it would.
John Random was quite regularly directing runs in those days; perhaps one a year or more. John will know.
John Random
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
MARCH-APRIL 1995 RUN
Dear John
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show but mainly previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
have i the right (co-written with John Cowen)/have i the right/honeycombs – New
i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers – New
privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle – 4-6
the peanut farmer/the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New
tory rebel (co-written with d a barham)/ rebel rebel/david bowie – New
gillian shepherd/jennifer eccles/hollies – New
oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine – 1-3
why do you want to break our ties with clause 4?/what do you want make those eyes at me for?/emile ford and the checkmates – 1-3
I can usually tell now why songs were unused, but some were most unjustly overlooked…like this one.
Perhaps a bit too much going on in one item? Still, pearls before swine, were some of these lyrics. Ian Paisley singing “come right back to 1690” should have been performed.
I co-wrote this one with John Cowen. Perhaps that explains why so much is going on in one lyric.
John Random might choose to explain why this one was unused, as it transpires it was submitted to him.
HAVE I THE RIGHT
(To the Tune of “Have I The Right?”)
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
Have I the right behind me?
Or will the rebels gag and bind me,
Will Tebitt ever ever stop;
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the right invectives,
Bastard and dimwit are ineffective,
So I might soon be for the chop.
(Sing along now, entourage, yes, both of you)
CHORUS 1 – JOHN MAJOR & HIS ENTOURAGE
Come right back, you Eurosceptics,
You’re loud and mad and you’re apoplectic,
Come right back, to 32 Smith Square (oh yeh);
Come right back, rejoin our party,
Or we’ll get Blair and his arty-fartys,
Slick right back like Mike Portillo’s hair (oh yeh).
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
Have I the right wing morons?
The Teddy Taylors and Theresa Gormans,
I wish that I was reassured,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the Ulster crazies?
The Molyneauxs and the Ian Paisley’s,
They’re angry with my peace accord;
CHORUS 2 – IAN PAISLEY
Come right back to 1690,
We won at Boyne and we’re part of Blighty,
Come right back to Ulster Union (oh yus);
Come right back, to times medieval,
Talks with the Irish are a damn-ed evil,
Come far right or you will soon be gone, (oh yus), (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
ALL: Soon be gone, oh yeh, (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
Soon be gone.
If you want to hear the Honeycombs and see their lyrics, click below.
Everyone who has ever raised a VAT invoice should raise at least one worded like the invoice below:
INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
Date: 9 January 1995
FAO Risk Theatre Company Limited
c/o John Random Tax point: 9 January 1995
c/o Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: Risk Theatre Company Limited
ACCOUNT REF: RT01
INVOICE NO: 02010
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the 1994 run of Whoops Vicar, Is That My Dick.
£
ROYALTIES 11.07
VAT @ 17.5% 1.93
————-
TOTAL £13.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
Of course, as any fule no, that invoice should have read “Whoops Vicar, Is That YOUR Dick”. How I might have mistaken my dick for that of the vicar is anyone’s guess.
On the whole I remember the better of my lyrics well and have forgotten some of the less interesting ones. But just occasionally I surprise myself and this mini-opera falls into that category.
The conceit of these lyrics was to speculate a few weeks before the Autumn Budget as to its possible content.
Not only am I immensely proud of these lyrics on rereading them in April 2019, but I recall what a stunning job John Random and his NewsRevue cast did with this piece.
Ken Clarke, then Chancellor and the central villain of the mini-opera, is, 25 years later, seen as a voice of Tory moderation. Times change, to some extent. Yet the closing number seems as apt today as it did in 1993.
_ 1993 AUTUMN BUDGET RUN UP MINI OPERA _
(To various tunes from “Oliver”)
FOOD TAXABLE FOOD (tax inspector’s chorus to “Food Glorious Food”)
If we tax the sick and poor, will they live to 84? Lets put V.A.T. on fu-el; When they can’t pay off their loans, put them into paupers homes, Then we’ll also tax their gru-el; Duty on crusts, every crumb shall be fined, till they beg or they borrow or cadge; Then charge more for prescriptions, when they get the flu, then we’ll tax funerals, just imagine:
Food taxable food, VAT putting the lamp on; Tax songs that are crude, Excise a large tampon; Huge levies on orange juice, That’s normal in Denmark; Which fruit was let on the loose? Must be Ken Clarke…… (‘ere ‘ee comes fellers; the Clarkful Bodger)
I’M REVIEWING THIS NEW TAXATION (Ken Clarke is “Reviewing the Situation”)
I’m reviewing this new taxation, I’m a lawyer and my sums are not so good; With my budget for reinflation, I should tax the rich and be like Robin Hood.
Cos I have the autonomy, To fuck up the economy, So don’t expect much bon hommie, On budget day from John or me, I’ll tax the wealthy hopefully, But then they might not vote for me; (thinks)….I think I’d better think it out again.
CON EVERYONE BUT THE RICH (tax inspector’s chorus to “Consider Yourself”)
Con everyone but the rich, Con everyone who’s not a Conservative, We’ve burdened the poor so long, It’s clear, we’re, doing the numbers wrong; See if yer chancella’s la-di-da or uppity, Tax yer cup of tea ‘n’all; But there’s a chance that Ken will end up at number ten, ‘less the Tory party falls. Con everyone but your mate, The poor never vote for us, So after fiscal legislation Ken can state, KEN:Con everyone not one of us.
Below is Food Glorious Food from Oliver! with the lyrics on the screen:
https://youtu.be/t9ZoZhfdo0A
Below is Ron Moody singing Reviewing The Situation:
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack includes some rewrites of older ones and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. I haven’t included any chestnuts from earlier runs, but if you want one that you remember, just let me know.
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I shall be happy to change them on request.
I shall try to write some new ones for you over the next 10 days or so if the inspiration comes.
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack includes some rewrites of older ones and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. I haven’t included any chestnuts from earlier runs, but if you want one that you remember, just let me know.
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I shall be happy to change them on request.
I shall try to write some new ones for you over the next 10 days or so if the inspiration comes.
