Well, I was a bona fide NewsRevue writer when I submitted this one, although i might not have known it yet.
But for some reason the then Director, John Random, did not deem this one good enough.
Perhaps the subject, the big bang, didn’t seem topical enough. I think something big bang-ish must have been in the news. I rather like the lyric.
BIGGY BIGGY BANG BANG (To the tune of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”)
INTRO
Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang: CHORUS 1
Ooohhh, aaahhh, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang’s primeval, And now Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang’s believable; Look at all the happy scientists, but they never can explain, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang’s too big for my small brain, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, except for this refrain:
THIS REFRAIN
The birth of the universe, In six lines of rhyming verse, Is likely to be a first, so hark;
The soup is primordial, It looks like lime cordial, A proton, a neutron and quark.
CHORUS 2
Ooohhh {NASA}, aaahhh {COBE}, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Big Bang’s cosmological, This {Supa} find {Nova} Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, is so astronomical; See {Mega} how {Giga} all the puzzled journo’s struggle to describe the dross, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, but they’re all at a loss, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, and no-one gives a toss. {Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang primordial Biggy Biggy Bang}
Below is a video of the song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The very helpful and encouraging Spitting Image people (especially Bill Dare and Giles Pilbrow) eventually encouraged me to contact NewsRevue, primarily because my songs tended to be very topical, whereas Spitting Image tended not to do topical musical numbers. I was not only encouraged but also rather chuffed to see a W2 address for the Canal Cafe Theatre. Within walking distance seemed convenient enough for me.
At NewsRevue my correspondence found a welcoming John Random inviting me to a writers’ meeting on 2 April 1992, which will be the day I first met several “friends of decades” and the first time saw NewsRevue. A young Jacquie Somerville was directing that run, much to the chagrin of the regular writers, as she was primarily using material from her own troupe, which I believe included Reece Shearsmith, together with material written by her pal Andrew Whelan. But John told me at that writers’ meeting that he was due to take over as director of the next run shortly.
I hope to write up that early journey from juvenilia towards NewsRevue via Spitting Image more fully at some stage; there is quite a fat file of my correspondence and early efforts.
There was no YouTube or e-mail with attachments in those days. I must have spooled a copy of the Jolson verse/chorus from my trusty reel-to-reel onto a cassette. The WP file of the lyrics is time stamped 08:12. I think I heard the news that execution had been stayed on the Today programme shortly after 8:00 (just after midnight California time), so I concluded the lyric with a stay of execution and dropped a package off by hand at the Canal Cafe Theatre on my way to work.
By the time I got home from work that day, Robert Alton Harris had been executed. I wasn’t sure what that existential change to the ending would do for the fate of my topical song, but of course in the hands of seasoned topical satirists like John Random and Chris Stanton, such last minute tweaks are merely par for the course.
So, when I went to the writers meeting on 23 April, I was thrilled to see my little song on the running order for that week’s show. I was even more thrilled to see my song performed. It turned out, of course, to be the first of many.
I seem to recall a slightly gruesome yet somehow amusing “snuffed” head gesture by Chris Stanton to conclude the song appropriately, despite the lyric. I cannot remember who else was in that cast; John Random will no doubt remember; he remembers most everything. Ian Angus Wilkie I think… But enough of my 2016 waffle, here is the full extract of the lyrics of my debut NewsRevue song from 1992:
♬ CALIFORNIA HERE I GO ♬
(To the tune of “California Here I Come” – but strictly no blackface when performing this please)
INTRO
When the calls for death start growing,
And guillotines are starting to fall;
That’s when I am westward going,
To the place that kills ’em best of all.
California, I’ve been blue,
I’ve not seen death since ’62;
I can’t wait ’till blood starts flowing,
Even now I’m starting to call:
CHORUS 1
California here I go,
See the Nightmare on Death Row;
Where killing, is thrilling, oohh what a gas,
San Quentin, is rentin’, programmes, seats and opera glass.
The show’s soon startin’, don’t be late,
Watch the bad guy meet his fate,
In a snuff movie by the State,
California here I go.
CHORUS 2 (More slowly – different singer?)
California, here I go – yeh,
Back and forth along death row;
You oughta, try slaughter by electric chair,
Say hello to gallows, gassing folks is not quite fair.
In remembering Chris Stanton, who died 9 March 2020, I refer to his masterful private performance of John Random’s superb 0898 song.
For those who don’t know what I’m talking about (and also for those who do), I’m pretty sure that John won’t mind me upping his lyric sheet for 0898 – click here.
And for those who are not sure what the tune might sound like, the following vid plays the best known version of the song, “Busy Line”, performed by Rose Murphy, upon which 0898 is based.
Please take my word for it that 0898 was traditionally delivered about 50% faster than Busy Line.
Originally submitted to Spitting Image, 9 or 10 February 1992, I subsequently submitted it to NewsRevue.
Anything that worked to “I Will Survive” was automatically on John Random’s prohibited list, I later discovered, but I did eventually get a version of the song into NewsRevue, perhaps as late as October 1993 but I think probably before that too.
You can’t keep a good lyric down, John; this one is, in my view, quite a good lyric.
The following version is e-dated April 1992, so the original Spitting Image one might be lost for all time, but I doubt if I really changed it between February and April – just a tiny tweak I suspect, otherwise I’d have saved it as a revised version:
MRS T
(sung by Maggie Thatcher to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
VERSE 1
At first I was afraid; (yes, even Mrs T),
Was scared of living out my life without publicity;
But then I spent so many nights just watching “Grey Man” droning on,
And I grew strong; and I learned how to get back on.
So now I’m back, from outta space,
To find that people know my voice and they still recognise my face.
I should have sacked the bleeding lot, I should have left the EEC,
If I had known for just one second that they’d end up sacking me.
CHORUS 1
Oh yes it’s me,
I’m on TV,
Even though it’s only Channel 4,
Or sometimes BSkyB,
But I’ve got interviews to give,
So while I still can breath and live,
I’m on TV,
I’m on TV.
VERSE 2
I tried to warn you, John, about the EMU,
But now I fail to understand what people see in you;
Cos then you took me to one side and whispered softly in my ear,
That it was better for the party if I quietly disappear.
So I went back, across the sea,
Where I had organised a Brussels photo-opportunity.
Yes I went straight up to the top, because I’m never one to tarry,
And I tried to head-butt Jacques Delors and kneecap Ray McSharry.
For any completists out there who are still reading, here is the October 1993 version which was adapted for some hoo-ha around Mrs T’s memoirs or something:
MRS T – AUTUMN 1993
(sung by Maggie Thatcher to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
VERSE 1
At first I was afraid; (yes, even Mrs T),
Was scared of living out my life without publicity;
But then I spent so many nights just watching “Grey Man” droning on,
That I grew strong; and I learned how to get back on.
So now I’m back, and out in print,
My memoirs will be a best seller so I’m going to make a mint.
They detail how I discharged Howe, because he backed the EEC,
I’ve been voracious for revenge since those dumb bastards ousted me.
CHORUS 1
Oh yes it’s me, literally,
You know my book has been reviewed on Channel 4 and BSkyB;
And I have memoirs left to write,
That dump John Major in the shite,
I will revive, I will reprise.
VERSE 2
I tried to warn the public that John Major’s thick,
And that those arseholes Clarke and Lawson used to make me sick;
But then the Tory party magnets whispered softly in my ear,
That it was better for the party if I quietly disappear.
So I went home and wrote my book,
And now those jerks who tried to gag me are deep in the shtook,
You see my memoirs have a knack of making everyone look silly,
And they ought to circulate more quickly than Dave Mellor’s willy.
CHORUS 2
So no more blues, my book’s reviewed,
Even tho’ it’s one of seven in the Finchley Evening News;
But I’ve more paragraphs to draft,
Cos half my cabinet was daft,
I will surmise, I will surprise, hey, hey.
(People in white coats lead her away, saying “there there” and “just slip your arms into this nice little jacket”)
One of my very early efforts at lyric writing was this lyric about the break-up of Yugoslavia. The original is dated 1 July 1991 – I’ll need to upload a scan of the printout for that exact lyric. The version that follows – version 2, was updated and extended for NewsRevue in 1992 in the very early days of my involvement there. I have a feeling that it was actually used in the show briefly in the late summer/early autumn of 1992. If not Paula Tappenden’s cast then the one after.
Or did John Random use it in one of his subsequent runs/shows?
Anyway, here’s version 2:
YUGOSLAVIA (Version 2)
(To the tune of “Istanbul not Constantinople”)
VERSE 1
Serbia is in Yugoslavia,
Now there’s Croatia and also Slovinia,
Plus there’s Bosnia and then Macedonia,
Two that I don’t know,
And Mon-te-neg-ro.
VERSE 2
Lets go back to old Yugoslavia,
No you can’t go, there is such a palava,
You may get shot up and never recover,
One day you’re in Bled,
Next day bled and dead.
TRITE MIDDLE BIT 1
Even tennis stars,
Our commentators fear;
They can’t say without a glitch,
Goran Ivanisovitch.
VERSE 3
Take a break out in Yugoslavia,
No I won’t go there, I think I would rather,
Go to Greece or maybe Czechoslovakia,
Why did poor Yugoslavia get the veto?
Cos they went all to pieces after Tito.
(Instrumental – with “do, do, do’s”, “wo, wo, wo’s” and outbursts of “Serbia”, “Croatia”, “Bosnia”, possibly accompanied by some suitably violent business)
TRITE MIDDLE BIT 2
Even tennis stars,
Have put their lives at risk,
Monica Seles groans and grunts,
Even she had death threats once.
VERSE 4
See a shrink if in Yugoslavia,
Cos the countries shrinking farther and farther,
I’d prefer to be in the Intefarda,
Why is poor Yugoslavia now the pits?
Cos the Serbs are a bunch of violent gits.
Please note that the above version was dated 5 July 1992 – also aimed to be topical for Wimbledon but more than a year before the actual murder attempt on Monica Seles’ life.
Below is a YouTube of The Four Lads singing Istanbul (not Constantinople)…
…or if you prefer the zappy They Might Be Giants version:
George & Edith Corke are John Burns (aka John Random)’s great-grandparents. (John and the diary are shown above). This is a blog version of their fascinating and charming honeymoon diary from the summer of 1901. The original is in fading pencil but was diligently transcribed by John’s mum into biro many moons ago. Notes in square brackets are mostly hers. John has now digitised the words. Additional notes, links and some insight into our editing process (May/June 2020) can be found through this link.
THURSDAY JUNE 27th 1901
Arranged to be married at Halewood [Parish Church]
John Lord / St Nicholas’s Church, Halewood / CC BY-SA 2.0
Left Widnes by 8.15 am train. Arrived Halewood 8.35 in company with Chris and Bella [her younger brother and his wife] Ned and Ann Butler. [Ned Franklin was the son of Hannah Franklin née Corke and Anne Butler a more distant cousin descended from Richard Houghton.] Clara Thomas, Sally Bradshaw and Jane, friends and employees from the shop. We all travelled first class and were a merry, happy party.
Arrived at the pretty church at 8.45. We were met by the rector the Rev. Gibson Smith who greeted us very cordially and performed the ceremony without any hitch. After signing the register Edie and I went to Mr. Millen’s in Wood Lane, so that I could change my suit for travelling. The others of the party were looking round the graveyard as the rector is very proud of it and has great care bestowed in the cultivation of flowers, especially roses.
From ‘A Centenary of Halewood Parish Church’ by James Eccles (1939) p.48 Halewood Parish Local History Pages, www.halewood.org.uk – with thanks to Mike Royden
We all met again and went to the station. The party returned home and Edie and I came on to Liverpool in order to catch the 12am train for London.
Called at Kardomah [Coffee House] and had light refreshments. Proceed to the London and North Western Railway Station and at 12am [noon] then started travelling via Runcorn Bridge. We could see our house in the distance.
Kardomah picture borrowed from https://sites.google.com/site/kardomah/ – permission for fair use assumed – would actively seek permission if we could work out how to do so.
We had very good places in corridor train occupying the seat solely all the way, which was very pleasant. No crushing whatsoever. We arrived in London at 5pm at Euston and took [a] hansom [cab] to 37 Bedford Place, Russell Square, which is kept by the Misses Dobson. After tea we went by bus to Strand and along the Thames Embankment over Westminster Bridge and on to Green Park through Pall Mall and then on home.
Hansom cabs at Temple
FRIDAY JUNE 28TH
We walked down Oxford Street to Regent St. to see the shops. On the way we saw a regiment of Horse Guards mounted, who were going as a guard to the Mansion House where Mayor and officials proclaimed the month for the coronation of Edward VII and his queen next year [August 1902]. After lunch, we went from Tottenham Court Rd. station in the two-penny tube to Bond St. and thence to Hyde Park where we saw the London society driving in their carriages and parading Rotten Row. There were hundreds of carriages mostly with two horses in each and the largest number of smart society people ever in our lives. The sight was one of great splendour.
The traffic and carriages were controlled by the police both mounted and on foot with such order that not the slightest accident occurred amongst the assemblage. We came home by bus to dinner and then to the Vaudeville Theatre see a comeditta entitled Sweet and Twenty in which Seymour Hicks and Ellaline Terriss were the principal actors. The piece was very well staged and played.
Seymour Hicks and Ellaline Terriss
SATURDAY JUNE 29TH
In the morning we went through the Houses of Parliament. The House of Lords and Commons. The Lords was better fitted. All seats were covered with crimson. The gilded throne for the king and queen being at one end. In the centre were tables containing books and writing material. Also, the woolsacks were in the centre. We passed then to the House of Commons was arranged with raised seats on each side covered in leather with a desk in front, the Speaker’s chair and mace being in the centre. The walls of the buildings were covered with paintings and the grand staircase had a great number of statues of eminent men. After leaving the Parliament we came home by the Horse Guards after seeing the government offices and Downing Street.
After dinner to Hyde Park via Piccadilly to see the swells again and this time we saw the Queen (Alexandra) who drove with only one lady. They were both dressed in black. We had a very good view of her twice. Bus home to dinner (7pm) and stroll round the Square. Bought new white felt hat 7/6 in New Bedford St.
Sunday June 30th
Morning Westminster Abbey to service. Thence to Hyde Park, Rotten Row to see the Church Parade. Ladies and Gents in all the latest London and Paris style. Dinner at 1.30. Then to Albert Hall Sacred Concert. Great Organ. Royal Artillery Band. 80 performers and lady and gent for solos.
Tea at Kensington. Passed Palace. Statue of Victoria put up at Jubilee by her daughter Princess Beatrice. Kensington Gardens and park by the lake and home via Hyde Park where military band played in evening. Rain came on, home by bus and escaped the wet.
P.S. Walked to Marble Arch through park and home down Park Lane on Sunday morning.
Monday July 1st
Bus to Paddington via Edgware Rd. Train from Bishop St. to Richmond via Hammersmith. Very busy little place. Good shops. Bus on to Hampton Court via Twickenham, Teddington and Bushey Park. The drive is lively, well-wooded, especially the park in which were numerous deer, quite tame.
Stephen Williams / Deer in Bushy Park / CC BY-SA 2.0Andy Beecroft / Private Gardens, Hampton Court / CC BY-SA 2.0
Hampton Court 1.45. Had lunch. Then to Hampton Palace. Picture galleries, apartments of former Eng. kings and queens. Courtyard, corridors, apartments let to ladies in reduced circumstances. Changing guards. The magnificent gardens: orange trees. The vine. Fountains and goldfish. The lake or canal. The maze. Beautiful avenues of trees. Swans. Dull morning. Beautiful afternoon. Started home 6.15 by bus to Richmond. Pretty place very busy. Pleasure boat in river and beautiful scene looking from the bridge. Tea at Richmond and look round. Train home 8pm to Bishop St. Bus home arriving 9pm.
Tuesday July 2nd
Bus to Strand. Called at Sharp Perrins. [wholesalers to the drapery trade. The bride and groom ran a draper’s shop in Victoria Rd. Widnes.] Mr. McIntyre not in house. Asked for Mr. Freeman who took us into private office. Was very cordial and said he would do his best for us. Edie bought some things to be sent on. Up in lift. People all very nice. After lunch Burlington House to see the pictures. Very fine collection. Entrance and catalogue 1/-. Special picture Queen’s funeral. Portraits of King and Queen. Duke of York. Roll call etc. The statuary very good also. Rained very heavily. Tea in Piccadilly. Home for dinner 7pm. Strand Theatre in evening. HMS Irresponsible. Mr. Arthur Roberts very clever actor. We thoroughly enjoyed the piece which has many absurd situations presented.
This original page from The Sketch is available from Vintage Edition – click linkBorrowed from The British Music Hall Society Facebook Group (linked) where this is image is unattributed; assumed public domain and/or fair use
Wednesday July 3rd
Bus to Strand, Fleet St, Cannon St. to Bank and Exchange. Went through both places. Fine painting round Exchange Walls. Lunch. Then to Mall and saw Buckingham Palace, Marlborough House, St. James’s Palace and saw company of Horse Guards who looked so bright and interesting in their pretty uniforms and trappings. Walk up Piccadilly and home by two d. Tube. Dinner 7. Bus to Earls Court Military Exhibition. Various types of soldier in life-size wax models. All kinds of guns. Hotchkiss, Krupp, Howitzer, Maxim, Field etc.
Public Domain, with thanks to the Getty Research institute & Hathi Trust Digital LibraryPublic Domain, with thanks to the Getty Research institute & Hathi Trust Digital LibraryPublic Domain, with thanks to the Getty Research institute & Hathi Trust Digital Library
Beautiful grounds and gardens. Several military bands. Canadian water-chute very exciting. Electric launches. Canton river. Had sail around; water kept in motion by water-wheel driven by steam. Big wheel. Oriental market. Egyptian coffee saloons. Chinese soldiers. Endless staircase lift. You stand still and it takes you to the top for 1d. Refreshment room. Ladies band. Home by Rails Underground.
Thursday July 4th
Bus to Piccadilly. Then to Regent St. and Bond St. Beautiful shops. Called at Paris Bank re more money. Far East café. Strawberries and cream 1/-. All decorated in willow pattern blue. Girls’ dress Oriental style. Yellow bandolier, fans etc. in hair. Very pretty effect. Lunch. Steamer upriver (!) to Greenwich Hospital and Observatory.
Home by tram over Westminster Bridge. On tram nearly 1 hour for 3d. Bus over halfpenny. Westminster Bridge from Trafalgar Square only a halfpenny. Wrote letters and stroll round Russell and Bloomsbury Squares.
Friday July 5th
Covent Garden flower women
Walked to Covent Garden Market. Enormous quantity of fruit and vegetables and flowers. Then on through Strand to Victoria Gardens, Thames Embankment and sat for about an hour. Bus home. Lunch. Oxford St. afternoon bought bag and brooch. Ices and then to Covent Garden Theatre to Leon Italian Opera Company in Carmen. Madame Clave. [Emma Calvé] Finest music and opera singing we ever heard.
Emma Calvé as Carmen. Click picture for Internet Archive source book.
Below is a YouTube with the voice of Emma Calvé singing the Habanera in 1902.
Three tiers. Boxes all filled. Jewellery and dresses of ladies magnificent and the carriages after the performance was wonderful. Ices 6d and 9d each.
Bus to Sharp Perrin’s to give small order. Bus to St. Paul’s Cathedral. Right up to the altar and sanctuary. Splendid view. Bought paper dish covers. Home. Lunch. Bought tickets for Paris. £9 12/- 6d. Ordered box to be called for while Edie packed. Paid Mrs. Dobson. Wrote letters. Dinner 7. Hansom to London Bridge Station at 8. Left at 9 for Newhaven. Arrived 10.30. Left Newhaven 10.45. Arrived Dieppe 3 a.m. Slept most of the time in berths. Fairly rough passage.
Met Daisy Jarnke on board just arrived at Dieppe. We travelled together to Paris arriving 7.30. Bus to Hotel Rapp et Duphot.
Breakfast café au lait, bacon and eggs. Hotel close to Madeleine. Walked through streets. Hôtel de Ville and into Notre Dame. Iced lemon. Rest in afternoon. Walked through Place de la Concorn [Concorde] and Champs Élysée. Saw carriages and people promenading. The Hyde Park of Paris. Dinner at 6.30. Walk along boulevards, café au lait. Home at 10.p.m. Very tired after travelling.
Monday July 8th
Camille Pissarro: The Tuileries Gardens, 1900, Hermitage Museum
First drive in Cook’s four in hand coach as per programme. Lunch. Palais Royale Café. Gave each a rose. Had bottle of wine each. Home 5.30. Diner 6.30. Walked through Tuerilles [Tuileries] Gardens and then by steams up river to Café Charitant. Home by steam train. Then to Place de La Concorn [Concorde] 10.30
Coach to Versailles Trianon. State coaches. Bois de Boulogne. Longchamps St. Cloud,]. Lunch. Versailles. Gardens. Grounds. Fountains etc. State rooms. Picture. Furniture. All very beautiful. The day’s drive was really fine. Home 5. 30. Dinner 6. 30. Walk through Tuilleries [Tuileries] Gardens. Sat by Monument. Rue de Rivoli. Tea 9.30. Home 10.p.m
Paris – Rue de Rivoli (c 1900) Source: Les anciennes rues de Paris
Wednesday July 10th
Coach drive as per programme. Louvre pictures and sculpture. Mint workmen leaving. Through Luxury magazine (magasin = department store). Bought buckle. Very large business place. Moving staircase. Coach to Gobelin Tapestry. Church of St. Etienne du Mont. Palace of Justice. Gardens and galleries of Luxembourg pictures and statuary. Panthéon. Resting place of great men of France buried in vaults underneath. Names on tablets inside. Very large building formerly used as a church. Visited morgue. Home 5pm.
Walk round streets. Home dinner 6.30/ Another walk round shops. Lemonade bottle 1 Franc. Weather today and each day very hot. Cloudless sky.
Thursday July 11th
Edouard Manet Le fiacreClaue Monet : La Cathédrale de Rouen, 1901
Breakfast 9.30 Fiacre [a French horse-drawn cab] to Station St. Lazare. Left at 10.00am. Arrived Rouen 12a.m. Saw cathedral. Fruit 1 Franc. Arrived Dieppe 1.00 close to steamer. Left Dieppe 1.45. Found it much colder on the steamer. Slight fog at sea. Horn blows.
c1910 Publisher: Eugene Le Deley. Paris.
Epilogue
GEORGE CORKE BORN 1857 ST. HELENS LANCS, DIED 1913 WIDNES
EDITH ELIZA WILKINSON BORN STOCKPORT 1862, DIED 1935 WIDNES
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