Lilley the Prick, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 August 1993

I revived/rewrote this one in late 1995:

But the following lyric was the original and I think better one. Writing more than 25 years later (March 2019) I could express similar sentiments about a heartless Tory Government being mean, inconsistent and incompetent about benefits.

Peter Lilley was not/is not many people’s favourite politician.

                                               LILLEY THE PRICK

                                        (To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)
 
CHORUS 1
 
We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.
 
VERSE 1
 
Uncle Tony, was terribly bony,
He could not afford his meals;
They withdrew all his benefit claim forms,
Now he can’t get meals on wheels.
Johnny Huckle, was entitled to f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f fuck all,
He could hardly claim a sou;
They denied him his measly handouts,
Now he’s dossing in Waterloo.
 
CHORUS 2
 
We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.
 
VERSE 2
 
Peter Lilley, was pompous and silly,
He did not foresee attack;
When the Torys stabbed him with their long knives,
Peter wasn’t turning back.
Purgatory, was home to this Tory,
While the poor danced in the street;
But Saint Peter was not Lilley’s greeter,
T’was the devil he did meet.
 
CHORUS 3
 
O…….old Nick, old Nick, old Nick,
And Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
Have buggered up the DSS;
By retracting the benefit payments,
Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.

Below is a video of The Scaffold singing Lily the Pink:

Click here for the lyrics of Lily The Pink.

Submission To Matthew Woolcott’s NewsRevue Run, 4 August 1993

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING


MATTHEW WOOLCOTT AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 1993 RUN
 
Dear Matthew
 
I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my current offerings.  The pack includes some very new ones, the songs currently in the show and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. 
 
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then do let me know. 
 
See you soon.

Fergie’s No UN Envoy, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1993

I don’t think I thought all that highly of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess Of York. Here’s a lyric about her UN envoy role:

                                           FERGIE’S NO UN ENVOY

                                   (To the Tune of “She’s Always A Woman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
She can hunt with a gun,
She can ski every day;
She don’t half fuck around,
When she’s in St Tropez;
 
She can only write books for inane under threes;
She just wants to get rich, Fergie’s no UN envoy to me.
 
VERSE 2
 
She is haughty and proud,
She is not very brave, tho’;
She will go to Gorazde,
And to Sarajevo;
 
She will then sell her memoires for ginormous fees,
She’s a self centred bitch, Fergie’s no goodwill envoy to me.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
Oh – she took care of herself,
When she threw Andrew out,
He was not ready for;
 
Toes – that she put in her mouth,
When she gave her new man,
Sensual pedicures.
 
VERSE 3
 
She’s been spurned by the Queen,
So she’s not bloody goin’;
She won’t join that incompetent oaf,
David Owen;
 
She is undiplomatic,
But then so is he;
 
And the worst he can do,
Is split Kosovo too,
They should sack all these envoys swiftly.

Below is a video of Billy Joel singing She’s Always A Woman To Me with the lyrics on the screen:

I submitted a version Two three weeks later, substituting “Johnny Bryan” for “her mew man” in the middle eight. Not sure whether that was on request or just an attempt to make the lyric more useful/informative.

Who Do You Talk To, John Major?, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 July 1993

I don’t remember this one being used in NewsRevue, but neither do I recall it being rejected.

There were lots of songs and sketches about the Prime Minister at that time though and I’m not convinced this was among the best of them. One or two good lines, though.

WHO DO YOU TALK TO JOHN MAJOR


(A Quickie To the Tune of “Where Do You Go To My Lovely”)
 
VERSE 1
 
You talk like one of the Daleks,
And you dance like Coco the Clown;
Your clothes are from Marks and Spencer,
And you’ll soon bring this Government down;
(Yes you will).
 
VERSE 2
 
You live in a Georgian Terrace,
Down in Whitehall’s Downing Street;
And although you’ve been leader for ages,
You still haven’t quite found your feet;
(Or your brains or your balls).
 
CHORUS
 
Who do you talk to John Major,
When your recorder is off?
Swear when reporters surround you,
And then why don’t you just piss off.

Below is a video of Peter Sarstedt singing Where Do You Go To My Lovely with the lyrics on the screen:

The Snarling Cabbie, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused) , 27 July 1993

No wonder this lyric wasn’t used in a topical show. Writing about it more than 25 years later, March 2019, I’d only need to change a word or two to make it perfectly relevant today.

I might just do that…

THE SNARLING CABBIE


(To the Tune of “The Laughing Policeman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
PASSENGER:I know a snarling cabbie,
He really is irate;
He drives around old London town,
And gets into a state.
His black cab cuts up traffic,
He loves to shake his fist;
So people call him wanker,
On account of his firm wrist.
 
CHORUS 1
 
TAXI DRIVER:South of London? not this driver,
Now it’s time to pay.
Four pound fifty, change a fiver?
I’ve no change today.
You’ll get coated with saliva,
When I turn and say;
I aint got no sales slips neither,
Get out of me way.
 
VERSE 2
 
PASSENGER:Now folk who live in London,
Have had their fill of flack;
They hire the scabs in minicabs,
And not the taxis black.
But people went half round the bend,
Because alas alack;
The mini-cabbies snarl’s as bad,
Cos their trade’s also slack.
 
CHORUS 2
 
MINI-CABBIE:Business better?  Not in this town,
Cabbing’s now the pits;
Bleedin’ Tories, getting me down,
John Major’s a git.
Had that geezer Paddy Ashdown,
Do a back seat flit;
PASSENGER:I’ll get round by underground and dodge this heap of shit.

The embedded video below has Charles Jolly (Penrose) singing The Laughing Policeman:

If you want to read the lyrics to The Laughing Policeman, click here.

Bish Bash Bosh, NewsRevue Spin Off In Willesden, Opening Night, 22 July 1993

I have written a short piece about Bish Bash Bosh when I uncovered my submission sheet for that show – no need to repeat myself – click here or below:

On 22 July, Janie joined me and “others” for the opening night. Quite a stalwart was Janie in those days.

Harriet Quirk writes about that opening night on the NewsRevue Facebook group – click here for link:

I remember it well ! Rory Bremner came along to the first show with unfortunately only about 10 other people!…

…so that’s Rory, Janie, me, Harriet and possibly six others. We might be anble to name the whole audience if we put our minds to it. Harriet continues…

We were asked to put on shows at a venue in Willesden by a big Newsrevue fan and after lots of deliberation could only come up with Bish Bash Bosh as a name. Unfortunately it didn’t take off 😢

I responded:

The place was a dive if I remember correctly. I must interrogate Janie about it and see what she remembers. I do recall her not liking the place and forming a strong view that Newsrevue wouldn’t work there. 

Yup, that’s just about all she remembers.

I wonder whether anyone has the running order for that show. The only artifact that provides more clues I scraped from a comedy collective site some months ago – good job I scraped it because it has now gone. I have thus preserved one of Ivan Shakespeare’s classic songs – The Subsidy Song – for posterity. It was for sure in this Bish Bash Bosh show. Here’s the link again – enjoy.

That sheet confirms the Bish Bash Bosh cast…and what an excellent cast it was – scraped below with spellings/misspellings intact:

Jonathon Linsley, Paul Dietch, Paula Tappenden, Virginie Gilchrist and Una McNulty

Do You Know the Way To St Tropez, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 July 1993

This summertime special has a perennial quality to it, but I think it wasn’t much if at all used by NewsRevue; perhaps for that very reason.

I rather like it still and think it has some timely and reflective relevance in these #MeToo times – he says writing in October 2018.

DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO ST TROPEZ?

(To the Tune of “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”)

 

Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo;

VERSE 1 – GOLD DIGGERS OF 1993

Do you know the way to St Tropez,

We hope to find that France, gives us a chance to score today.

Do you know the way to St Tropez,

We’re going out to find, some rich gold mine in St Tropez.

MIDDLE BIT 1 – STILL THE GOLD DIGGERS

Juan is a great big freebie,

Find a wealthy guy and fly to Cannes,

In a week maybe two you’ll have a sun tan,

And some melanoma on the way;

And all the Sloanes are on their yachts,

And cruising gently round the bay.

 

VERSE 2 – LES FRENCH LADS

We were born and raised in St Tropez,

We’ve got a lot of cash, we’ll make a splash and have our way.

We can both get laid in St Tropez,

We find that English chicks, all want some kicks on holiday.

 

MIDDLE BIT 2 – ENCORE LES FRENCH LADS

We attract them like a magnet,

Screw a hundred, OK maybe ten,

They believe that we all are French noblemen,

When they learn the truth they will be sad;

The only count inside our pad,

Is counting all the girls we’ve had.

 

OUTRO

LES GIRLS:We both made a wrap in St Tropez,

Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo;

LES LADS:We both caught the clap in St Tropez,

Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo;

We both blew the works in St Tropez, (revealing empty pockets)

Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo;

LES GIRLS:We sponged off these burks in St Tropez,

Wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo;

ALL:Wo.

Here is a video of Dionne Warwick singing Do You Know the Way To San Jose…

…while the following one also shows you the lyrics to that fine Hal David & Bert Bacharach song:

The Inadequacy Of Socialist Endeavour, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 July 1993

Writing in March 2019, it is strange to recall that sense we had in the early 1990s that somehow the Labour Party was conspiring with itself to avoid ever returning to power. That emotion seems so very late 2010’s.

In 2019, the irony of my mentioning the newborn UNISON in this 1993 song is not wasted on me either, as my working life has got me so very close to that organisation these last 20 years or so.

There is irony that I hope goes unwasted in my choice of Brecht/Weill music for this lyric. But then what would an ethnically-challenged dude like me know of irony, I can almost hear Jeremy Corbyn cry?

Anyway, here’s the lyric:

THE INADEQUACY OF SOCIALIST ENDEAVOUR


(To the Tune of “The Inadequacy Of Human Endeavour”)
 
VERSE 1
 
The Labour Party’s not,
About to stop the rot,
We always seem to top the polls but still win not a lot.
Every by-election,
Seems to go the Liberals way,
When will we Socialists find,
Something new to say?
 
VERSE 2
 
Trades unions main whim,
Is keeping Labour’s vim,
They merge to form a big block vote and longer acronym.
COHSE, NUPE, NALGO,
Now all work in UNISON;
Even tho’ six months ago,
None of them got on.
 
VERSE 3
 
The Tories reach nadirs,
With frauds and sexual smears,
But Labour still has failed to win for nearly twenty years.
Smith and Margaret Beckett,
Are an unattractive pair;
No-one believes the rumours,
About their affair.
 
VERSE 4
 
Now we’re more like the right,
We’ll get out of our plight,
The people will trust us again and then we’ll win the fight.
Cuts and lower taxes,
Claw back benefits we paid ‘ya;
Soon all the woolly lefties,
Will vote for John Major.

Here is a link to the song Das Lied von der Unzulänglichkeit des menschlichen Strebens, sung by Bertold Brecht himself, with the lyrics underneath. Or, if you just want to hear the song and see what Brecht looked like, click the embedded link below.

If you want an English translation of the lyrics, The Inadequacy (or Insufficiency) Of Human Endeavour, click here.

Michael Mates, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 July 1993

I even had to look up Michael Mates, writing over 25 years later in March 2019, to remind myself about him. He was a Tory MP. But why I thought he was lyric-worthy in 1993 is a bit of a mystery to me, other than the link with Asil Nadir alluded to in the lyric. I don’t think this piece was used in the show.

MICHAEL MATES

(To the Tune of “My Old Man Said Follow The Van”)
 
 
OPENING BIT
 
Michael Mates,
Brought on mass debates,
And caused lots of ‘asil on the way;
Off went Nadir with ‘is wrist watch tickin’,
John Major wished that Mates had gone with ‘im.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
John dillied and dallied,
Dallied and dillied,
Changed ‘is mind, u-turned, gave Mates the sack.
 
CLOSING BIT
 
But they can’t judge the special Serious Fraud Office,
‘Cos Nadir ain’t coming back.

Here’s Marie Lloyd singing “My Old Man Said ‘Follow The Van!'”, with the lyrics on the screen. The chorus arrives after about 40 seconds:

https://youtu.be/bALc3o0y5Kc

I’m The Leader Of the Tory Gang, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 June 1993

I must have had glam rock on the brain that summer, as my previous “piece”, a week or so earlier, was also glam:

Anyway, here is the Tory Gang lyric, which I don’t think was used, but it might have been – I’m realising from my submission sheets that quite a lot of lyrics that I don’t recall seeing used actually were used.

Postscript: yes, this one was used as evidenced by the next submission sheet.

I’M THE LEADER OF THE TORY GANG

(To the Tune of “I’m the Leader of the Gang I Am”)
 
INTRO (The Chorus come on to the stage – John Major Doesn’t)
 
VOICEOVER: And now the Prime Minister, John Major, will come on to explain his new decisive policy towards ministerial appointments and dismissals.
 
CHORUS:Come on come on, come on come on, come on come on come on;
MAJOR:No way.
CHORUS:Come on come on, come on come on, come on come on come on;
MAJOR:(Enters) Oh all right;
 
MAIN BIT (The voice is Major, the visual is “Glitterati”)
 
MAJOR:I’m gonna stand beside you, guide you chide you;
I’m gonna stand beside you;
CHORUS:Oh no!
MAJOR:Although I tried to guard you, far too hard to;
And so I shall discard you…. (oh yes)
I’m the leader, and the weeder,
I’m the leader of the Tory gang;
I’m the leader and the media,
Says my conscience never feels a pang.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
MAJOR:I can hire you, show me your flair, no one calls me square;
I can fire you, I have no soul, soon your head may roll.
I shuffled out Norman,
CHORUS:Lamont Lamont;
MAJOR:And may throw out more men,
CHORUS:You won’t you won’t;
MAJOR:So now I’m not boring
CHORUS:You are you are.
 
CLIMAX (the Chorus moves in on Major)
 
MAJOR: Ja wanna be a Tory gory story,
Or are you after glory?
CHORUS:Oh yes.
MAJOR:Why are you getting nearer, steer-a, clearer,
You’re making me feel queerer;
CHORUS:Oh yes.
MAJOR:Why don’t you three go draft a, dafter, charter?
Just tell me what you’re after,
CHORUS:RESIGN!!
 

Trigger warning: The song “I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am!)” was a big hit for Gary Glitter, later thoroughly disgraced as a child abuser. But in 1973 he was top of the pops. You don’t have to click the video if you don’t want to; I cannot really watch this material any more:

https://youtu.be/8hPoOOhXg-k

You can read the lyrics of “I’m The Leader Of the Gang (I Am!) by clicking here.